Alice in Wonderland

Alice's Mother:
Where is your corset? And no stockings!

Alice:
I'm against them.

Alice's Mother:
But you are not properly dressed.

Alice:
Who's to say what's proper? What if it were agreed that "proper" meant wearing a codfish on your head? Would you wear it?

Alice's Mother:
Alice.

Alice:
To me a corset is like a codfish.

Lady Ascot:
Do you know what I've always dreaded?

Alice:
[casually] The decline of the aristocracy?

Absolem:
Who are you?

Alice:
Absolem?

Absolem:
[thinking that she's Absolem] You're not Absolem. I'm Absolem. The question is, who are you?

Chessur:
It looks like you ran afoul of something with wicked claws.

Alice:
But I'm still dreaming!

Chessur:
What did that to you?

Alice:
Bannawood. Banda--

Chessur:
The Bandersnatch! Well, I'd better have a look!

Alice:
What are you doing?

Chessur:
It needs to be purified by someone with evaporating skills or it will fester and putrify.

Alice:
I'd rather you didn't. I'll be fine as soon as I wake up.

Chessur:
At least let me bind it for you. [wraps up her wounds] What do you call yourself?

Alice:
Alice.

Chessur:
The Alice?

Alice:
There's been some debate about that.

Chessur:
I never get involved in politics.

Chessur:
What's happened to you, Tarrant? You used to be the life of the party. You used to do the best Futterwacken in all of Witzend.

Alice:
Futter-what?

March Hare:
Futterwacken!

Dormouse:
It's a dance.

[March Hare starts dancing a jig.]

Hatter:
On the Frabjous Day, when the White Queen once again wears the crown, on that day, I shall Futterwacken... vigourously.

Knave:
[has his arm around Hatter's throat] If you're hiding her, you will lose your heads.

Hatter:
[strained] Already lost them.

Knave:
You're all mad!

March Hare:
Thanks very much. [Belches loudly]

Alice:
[to Bayard] You were supposed to lead them away, the Hatter trusted you!

Bayard:
They have my wife and pups.

Alice:
What is your name?

Bayard:
Bayard.

Alice:
Sit!

Bayard:
[Sits] Would your name be... Alice? By any chance?

Alice:
Yes, but I'm not the one everyone's talking about.

Bayard:
The Hatter would not have given himself up just for any Alice.

Alice:
Where did they take him?

Bayard:
To the Red Queen's castle in Salazen Grum.

Alice:
We're going to rescue him.

Bayard:
That is not foretold.

Alice:
I don't care! He wouldn't be there if it weren't for me!

Bayard:
The Frabjous Day is almost upon us. You must prepare to meet the Jabberwocky!

Alice:
From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I've been told what I must do and who I must be. I've been shrunk, stretched, scratched, and stuffed into a teapot. I've been accused of being Alice and of not being Alice but this is my dream. I'll decide where it goes from here.

Bayard:
If you diverge from the path...

Alice:
I make the path!

The Red Queen:
[referring to Alice, who's just grown to a large size and naked] And what is this?

White Rabbit:
It's a who, majesty. This is... um...

The Red Queen:
"Um"?

Alice Kingsleigh:
[thinking quickly] From Umbridge.

The Red Queen:
What happened to your clothes?

Alice Kingsleigh:
I outgrew them. I've been growing an awful lot lately. I tower over everyone in Umbridge. They laugh at me. So, I've come to you hoping you might understand what it's like.

The Red Queen:
My dear girl, anyone with a head that large is welcome in my court. [to her subjects] Someone find her some clothes, use the curtains if you must, but clothe this enormous girl!

[Alice smiles.].

Knave:
[sees Alice] And who is this lovely creature?

Red Queen:
Um, my new favorite.

Knave:
What is her name?

Red Queen:
Um.

Knave:
[to Alice] I believe your name has slipped the queen's mind.

Red Queen:
Her name is Um, idiot!

Alice:
From Umbridge.

Hatter:
What a regrettably large head you have. I would very much like to hat it. I use to hat The White Queen, you know. Poor dear, her head was so small.

Red Queen:
It's tiny. It's a pebble of a head.

Hatter:
Have I gone mad?

[Alice checks Hatter's temperature]

Alice:
I'm afraid so. You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Chessur:
I've always admired that hat. I was wondering...since you won't be needing it anymore...perhaps you would consider bequeathing it to me?

Tarrant:
Excuse me? I'll have you know it IS a formal execution. I'd like to look my best.

Chessur:
It's a shame about all this. I was looking forward to seeing you Futterwacken.

Tarrant:
I was rather good at it, wasn't I?

Chessur:
I really DO love that hat. [Smiles slyly] I would wear it to all the finest occassions.

Alice:
I couldn't kill the Jabberwocky if my life depended on it.

Absolem:
It will.

Alice:
This is impossible.

Hatter:
Only if you believe it is.

Jabberwocky:
So, my old foe, we meet on the battlefield once again.

Alice Kingsleigh:
We've never met.

Jabberwocky:
Not you, insignificant bearer. My ancient enemy, the Vorpal one.

Alice Kingsleigh:
That's enough chatter.

Hatter:
You could stay...

Alice:
What an idea. A crazy, mad, wonderful idea... But I can't. There are questions I have to answer, things I have to do. But I'll be back before you know it.

Hatter:
You won't remember me.

Alice:
Of course I will. How could I forget? ...Hatter, why is a raven like a writing desk?

Hatter:
I haven't the slightest idea. ...Fairfarren, Alice

Alice Kingsleigh:
I'm sorry, Hamish. I can't marry you. You're not the right man for me. And there's that trouble with your digestion. [walks over to her sister] I love you, Margaret, but this is my life. I'll decide what to do with it. [turns to Lowell, meeting his sour look with a stern glare] You're lucky to have my sister for your wife, Lowell, and be good to her. I'll be watching very closely. [goes up to Aunt Imogene and takes her hands] There is no prince, Aunt Imogene. You need to talk to someone about these delusions. [walks past Lady Ascot, looking sternly at her] I happen to love rabbits, especially white ones. [goes up to her mother] Don't worry, Mother. I'll find something useful to do with my life. [turns to the Chattaway sisters] You two remind me of some funny boys I met in a dream.

Lord Ascot:
You've left me out.

Alice Kingsleigh:
No, I haven't, sir. You and I have business to discuss.

Lord Ascot:
Shall we speak in the study?

[Alice smiles and starts to head to the house, when suddenly she turns back to the crowd]

Alice Kingsleigh:
Oh. And one more thing. [lifts the hem of her dress to her knees and does the Futterwacken]

[Alice and Helen are on the way to her surprise engagement party at the Ascot's estate]

[Alice and Lady Ascot are taking a stroll through the garden]

Lady Ascot:
Do you know what I've always dreaded?

Alice:
[casually] The decline of the aristocracy?

Lady Ascot:
Ugly grandchildren. But you're lovely. You're bound to produce little... Imbeciles!

[Notices that the gardeners have planted the wrong color roses] The gardeners have planted white roses when I specifically asked for red.

Alice:
You could always paint the roses red.

Lady Ascot:
What an odd thing to say.

[The White Queen looks like she's about to throw up]

Iracebeth:
[crouches down to a frog servant's height; whispering] Did you steal my tarts?

Frog Servant:
No, Your Majesty.

Iracebeth:
[wipes a splotch of juice from the corner of his mouth with her finger and tastes it; whispers] Squimberry juice.

Frog Servant:
I was so hungry! I didn't mean to!

Iracebeth:
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Stayne:
Um forced herself on me. I told her, "My heart belongs to you." But she's obsessed...with me.

Stayne:
[enters Iracebeth's throne room] Majesty, Alice has escaped. [Iracebeth angrily slaps him in the face] On the Bandersnatch. [Iracebeth slaps him again but in the opposite direction] With the Vorpal sword.

Iracebeth:
[slaps him again] HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!

Stayne:
I may have underestimated her. But...we have her conspirators. The Hatter and a dormouse.

Iracebeth:
OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

Alice:
[to herself before facing the Jabberwocky] Six impossible things. Count them, Alice. One, there's a potion that can make you shrink. Two, and a cake that can make you grow.

Jabberwocky:
So, my old foe, we meet on the battlefield once again.

Alice:
We've never met.

Jabberwocky:
[last words] Not you, insignificant bearer. My ancient enemy, the Vorpal one.

Alice:
That's enough chatter. [cuts his tongue off. Mirana looks like she's about to throw up] Three, animals can talk. Four, Alice, cats can disappear. Five, there's a place called Wonderland. Six, I can slay the Jabberwocky. [begins battling the Jabberwocky]

[A blue butterfly flies over and lands on Alice's shoulder]

Alice:
[last lines] Hello, Absolem.

[Spreading his wings, Absolem flies away as Alice watches him]

[screen fades to black as credits roll]

Alice:
Curiouser and curiouser.

Alice:
How can I be the wrong Alice when this is my dream?

Alice:
It wasn't a dream at all, it was a memory. This place is real, and so are you and so is the Hatter.

Alice:
[to the Jabberwocky as she raises the Vorpal Sword] Off with your head!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THREE OF MY TARTS!!!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
Never mind him, he's mad.

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
I love a morning execution, don't you?

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
Liars! Cheats! Falsifiers! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
RELEASE THE JUBJUB BIRD!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
You're right, Stayne, it is far better to be feared than loved.

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
Prepare the Jabberwocky for battle. We're going to visit my little sister.

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
[to her sister, Mirana] I know what you're doing. You think you can blink those pretty little eyes, and I'll melt just like Mummy and Daddy did.

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
No! It is MY crown! I AM THE ELDEST! [turns to her card guards] JABBERWOCKY!!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
Where's your champion, sister? (Alice: Here.) Hello, Um.

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
The Hatter's interfering! Off with his head!

Iracebeth (Red Queen):
HE TRIED TO KILL ME!