Veep, Season 4

Kent:
The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable.

Ben:
Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Selina:
Alright, so we'll "cock-thumb" the joint chiefs. What do you think they're gonna offer?

Ben:
I don't know, two, three billion? You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield?

Selina:
Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay? Get about ten bucks for that.

Sue:
I do not like to swear guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.

Mike:
The "shit" is gonna to hit the "fuck"?

Sue:
No, F is for "fan", Mike, not "fuck". Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Furlong:
I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.

Amy:
Is this about the submarine jobs?

Furlong:
Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!

Kent:
Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?

Furlong:
It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!

Amy:
The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!

Mike:
And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!

Furlong:
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!

Ben:
Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.

Furlong:
Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!

Selina:
This speech was supposed to perfectly define my presidency. [...] Whole cities of children were gonna be saved from poverty. Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal... giant... dildos!

Kent:
Catherine, America doesn’t like you.

Catherine:
What?!

Kent:
That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.

Catherine:
[grabbing Kent's pages of polling statistics] Let me see that!

Kent:
It's not that you're unlikeable, it's just that there's a perception...that you are unlikable.

Catherine:
They hate me!

Kent:
I wouldn't say "hate", you just...polarize opinion, with the bulk of it gravitating to this poll here. [indicates on the page]

Catherine:
This is like high school all over again!

Kent:
Yeah, kind of, but much bigger!

Bill Ericsson:
What is Gary doing? Trying to max out America?

Ben:
Wow. Who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Patty:
Okay, I will not hear a single bad word said about my friend Gary, but yeah! Yeah, he is out of control!

Ben:
Did you see the cost of the dinner?

Bill Ericsson:
This'll sting us. Make us look decadent and remote.

Ben:
Said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Selina:
Who do you think you are? Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you First Lady, because I don't remember marrying you, Gary! I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls! I think I'd remember that!

Gary:
Ma'am, I'm really sorry for the painting, and I'm really sorry for the spending, but you have to understand—

Selina:
Oh, shut up! Just shut up! You are unimportant! And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield!

Gary:
That is not true, ma'am.

Selina:
You think you're some sort of a big shot here? Oh, my God, you are not a big shot here, Gary! You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers! God!

Gary:
You're wrong.

Selina:
Excuse me?!

Gary:
When's Catherine's birthday?

Selina:
June 8th—

Gary:
Ninth.

Selina:
Ninth!

Gary:
Which senator's daughter's in rehab?

Selina:
You're out of line, missy!

Gary:
Geldray. What are you wearing tomorrow?

Selina:
I don't know!

Gary:
I do, I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball!

Selina:
No you're not!

Gary:
Yes I am!

Selina:
NO YOU'RE NOT!

Gary:
I have broken my body for you!

Selina:
Oh, come on.

Gary:
I've let myself be laughed at, I've let myself be humiliated, but I'm happy to do it! Most times, you don't even know that I exist, BUT I AM FUCKING EVERYTHING TO YOU!

Selina:
Oh, I am so happy to find somebody else to get me my hand cream!

Gary:
Okay, go!

Selina:
Yeah!

Gary:
Can you find somebody else who did what I did?!

[Long pause]

Selina:
You mean on Labor Day?

Gary:
I didn't say that.

Selina:
Yeah you did, you ju— you just said "Labor Day".

Gary:
I said I would never mention that ever.

Dan:
Sir?

Ben:
Yes?

Dan:
The HIV girl.

Ben:
Yes?

Dan:
The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.

Ben:
Yes?

Dan:
Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.

Ben:
Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?

Dan:
Yeah.

Ben:
Shit!

Dan:
Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."

Ben:
Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!

Bill Ericsson:
Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?

Ben:
Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?

Mike:
This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Dan:
What's our line here? Do we tell the president?

Ben:
No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!

Teddy:
[to Jonah] Hey, I Am Groot, stop swapping spit here with Pretty Woman, and get me Brock and Hunter!

Ben:
Hey, Dan.

Dan:
Thought you resigned.

Ben:
I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

[beat]

Dan:
No. No, this is not—this is not real.

Ben:
No, you're right Dan, it's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan:
So am I fired? Please Ben, don't say that I'm fired.

Ben:
You're not fired...

Dan:
Oh, thank fuck for that.

Ben:
...because you've just resigned.

Kent:
It's a perfect fit. Worked on the Families First Bill, and handsome. Therefore, guilty looking.

Dan:
No, no. No! I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data!

Ben:
You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant, you don't threaten the administration, because we will fucking destroy you! We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs!!

[beat]

Kent:
I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

[re:
Senator Doyle floundering during his speech on supporting LGBTQ people in sports]

Bill Ericsson:
Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

Ben:
I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!

Jonah:
I fucking hate Kent. I'm gonna wipe that... neutral expression off his face.

Amy:
I feel like I'm on a life support machine and the keep pulling the plug... to charge their phones!

Ben:
I'm so tired, I could sleep a horse. Or whatever that word thing is.

Catherine:
Being the First Daughter is a big responsibility.

Selina:
Good.

Catherine:
But I'm happy to serve my country, and to help out my mom.

Selina:
That's very good, yes.

Catherine:
I love you, Mom.

Selina:
Oh, no, honey. You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, Mom."

Catherine:
I love you, Mom!

Selina:
Well, not like that.

Selina:
Karen, what do you think of Pierce?

Karen:
Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.

Amy:
Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!

Selina:
Okay, Amy, that is enough.

Amy:
I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.

Selina:
[as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.

Amy:
You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.

Tom James:
What a great convention! Best one in four years.

Tom James:
Madam President, I am here to serve. You are the sun, I the moon. Of Jupiter. Not even one of the good ones.

Mike:
Great. Another hate text from Amy. "You looked sweaty on TV yesterday. Are you going through the changes?"

Kent:
I wish I understood vendettas. They're so time-consuming.

Tom James:
Sometimes you have to gamble. Unfortunately, our horse did not win.

Selina:
No, it certainly didn't! It fell at the first fence and it got shot, and now some French fucker's got it in a baguette!

Kent:
[re: the intruder] I had not anticipated this; this, I had not anticipated.

Ben:
Well that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Kent:
Ben, Tom James has just said the shooter is a victim too; PTSD.

Ben:
Oh, my God! Calamity James! And that's just off the top of my head!

Kent:
Well, what do I do?

Ben:
Just get him off, you fucking mannequin!

Tom James:
[after hearing about the data leak] Y'know, I could kick over chairs and scream "How in the risen fuck did this happen?" What's the point? It's done. I say we move on. Together, the Magnificent Seven!

Kent:
He's really good.

Richard:
It's 'cause there's seven of us!

Kent:
I meant as a politician.

Richard:
I know, I know.

[regarding the children in the kindergarten]

Dan:
You know at least three of these kids are probably mine.

Congressman Moyes:
[to Richard and Jonah] So you're the best the White House has to offer? Two giant children in their Dads' suits?

Selina:
I think I just sneezed up part of my pancreas.

Tom:
I dunno what this is about.

Ben:
Good point. Dan and Amy; they're being paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill! There, you've been blooded, so, join the circle jerk, grab a dick.

Tom James:
EVERYONE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLES!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! [to Bill Ericsson] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, [to Mike] you're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, [to Kent] and Nazi Doctor! [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the president. So lets do that shall we?

Selina:
Tom... I do the team talks, okay?

Tom James:
You're absolutely right, ma'am.

Selina:
And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together, people!

Dan:
You could just hit the fucking gas, Jonah.

Jonah:
Dan, I'm not getting a ticket, okay? That's the sort of thing that comes back to bite you when you run for office.

Dan:
Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Jonah:
Okay, new rule in the cube: if your name begins with "D," you need to shut the fuck up immediately!

Richard:
I'm fine because my name begins with an "R."

Dan:
Not if we shorten it to "Dick."

Ben:
It's a matter of public record that Dan Egan was fired because of his relation to the data breach. I mean, you could have Googled that.

Mr. Rakes:
That's not my question. Was he responsible?

Ben:
Well, Washington needed a sacrifice. So we all ran and got out our pitchforks, and we set fire to the Wicker Dan.

Mrs. Brewer:
Okay, so why did he deserve to go if he was innocent?

Ben:
You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens. I mean, life is chaotic. And it's often unfair. I know it is for me. Dan Egan deserved to go. So, he went.

Mr. Rakes:
So Jonah Ryan wasn't sent here to defend the bill to deliberately undermine it?

Ben:
No. No. Read my luscious lips: no.

Ms. Bennett:
Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled "the Jonad Files?"

Dan:
Uh, no. No, ma'am.

Amy:
No. That doesn't ring a bell.

Ms. Bennett:
So it's not a word combining "Jonah" and "gonad?"

Dan:
Not to my knowledge.

Jonah:
I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.

Mr. Rakes:
In fact, Mr. Egan, I was told that you encouraged staffers to add to this glossary of abuse.

Dan:
I do not at this moment in time recall the action nor the document in question.

Mr. Rakes:
Okay, maybe this will jog your memory. We have some extracts. "J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinkerballs, Wadzilla, One Erection—"

Jonah:
Do we have to go through all of these?

Mr. Wallace:
I'm not sure that I see the relevance.

Mr. Rakes:
The witnesses claim they held their former colleague in high regard and I am attempting to prove otherwise.

Mr. Wallace:
Okay, yeah, sure. No, you can proceed.

Mr. Rakes:
"The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, SupercalifragilisticexpialiDickCheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca."

Jonah:
My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that, that's a good nickname.

Selina:
I have to go. I have to call the President of Africa, so—I mean South Africa, specifically.

Tom James:
Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.

Bill Ericsson:
Where is Congresswoman Bennett?

Mrs Brewer:
She is absent.

Bill Ericsson:
Yes, I got that. I took Noticing in high school!

Mr. Rakes:
Can you tell us who was responsible for the data breach, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben:
No.

Mr. Rakes:
But you do know who was responsible?

Ben:
No.

Mrs Brewer:
Can you tell us anything at all about said data breach?

Ben:
No.

Mr Rakes:
Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty?

Ben:
No... I am not.

Kent:
Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.

Gary:
Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Selina:
Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Selina:
Oh, Gary! I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.

Gary:
How nice!

Selina:
Yeah, Karen.

Ben:
Fuck!

Tom James:
What happens when there's— when there's a tie?

Ben:
Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens when we get a tie.

Selina:
Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over.

Gary:
Yep.

Selina:
And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy. Goddammit.

Selina:
Where's Tom?

Karen:
Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.

Ben:
What?

Selina:
The fuck he has!

Amy:
Why would you let him do that?

Karen:
Well you don't work here.

Ben:
Neither do you!

Selina:
Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.

[everyone starts to protest]

Kent:
Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.

Selina:
No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING ITS NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!

Selina:
[about Tom James] That fucking guy, with his fucking charm, and his fucking son, in his fucking wheelchair, with his spine all fucked up!