George Lopez, Season 6

George (to Ernie):
Why didn't you tell me they were moving the factory?

Ernie:
I left you a message.

George:
Dude, I don't listen to your messages anymore.

Ernie:
Why?

George:
Dude, you call me every time you see a hot girl on the freeway. Then, you take up 5 minutes of my voice mail saying "George, George, George!"

George (after the cops said they just wanted to question Benny but arrested her on sight):
Hey, you lied to me! That's why nobody likes cops. You never see a fireman saying "Jump" and then he takes away the trampoline thing!

Vic (to Angie):
I thought you said your pregnancy was a false alarm?

Angie:
It was. But I saw how excited George was that I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Vic:
So, what are you gonna do nine months from now? Wrap a basketball in a blanket and say "Look, he's got your head?"

[After George is refusing to sleep with Angie]

Angie:
I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've been avoiding me all day. Now get upstairs! We're doing this, Alice!

George:
Angie, we'll deal with your screwed-up family later. Right now, we need to get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.

Angie:
George, I need to talk to you.

George:
No one talks in the George Lopez media room except Clint Eastwood and those guys begging not to be killed by Clint Eastwood.

Max:
Dad, there's some dude in the bathroom. You want me to get the bat?

George:
[to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"

Angie:
That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.

Angie (to George):
I hope what you just found out isn't going to affect your testimony.

George:
Just a little at the end. (reading his speech for court) "I don't think my mom should go to jail for an old robbery when her real crime... is giving away her only son! I HATE HER, I HATE HER SO MUCH! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury."

[After learning that George discovered that Benny tried to give him away]

Angie:
Honey, you know how much I love you, but... I have to say, your life is really jacked up.

Gina (to Ernie):
You're not my type.

Ernie:
I'm a man and I have a pulse!

George (to Angie):
Our vows were to love, honor and cherish each other. I don't have to tell you nothing.

[George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]

George:
[in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.

[After Ernie rejects his attraction to Angie, hurting her feelings]

George:
You have drooled over my wife since high school. Now, the one time I wanted you to think she was hot, you say no?!

Ernie:
I didn't want to show it. Not in this outfit.

George (to Angie):
Did you and your mom have any unresolved conflicts?

Angie:
I wish they were unresolved. Do you know what I said when I was on the phone with her last week? I told her I never forgave her for cheating on my dad. I called her a selfish tramp. That is the last thing I ever said to my mother.

George:
Oh, I'm sorry, Angie. I didn't know that.

Angie (crying):
I can never take it back. I can never tell her I'm sorry.

George:
How many times has Carmen said she hated you?

Angie:
Forty-seven.

George:
You counted?

Angie:
Yeah, it hurt.

George:
Of all those times, did you ever feel that she stopped loving you?

Angie:
No.

Benny:
[to George] What were you gonna do with me when I die?

George:
Pet cemetery!

Max (to George):
What if I end up like Ernie?

George:
A thousand things have to go wrong before you end up like Ernie.

George:
(after Ernie's attempts to "seduce" the predator fails) Hey, man, don't worry. I'm sure somewhere... (starts laughing) I can't say it with a straight face. You got rejected by a sexual predator!

George (to Ruth about Benny):
That's my mom. You may have heard of her. After her last confession, Father John was seen in the shower saying "I can't get clean. I can't get clean."

Ruth:
You know what they say: "Chicken soup is a mother's penicillin."

George:
When I was a kid, my mom's penicillin was: "Hey, fathead, walk it off."

Benny:
I don't believe you. You framed him. Do you realize because of what you did, I hated men for twenty years?

George:
Hated men? Not on Friday and Saturday nights! How dumb did you think I was, I knew there wasn't a ghost in your room! "Oooooooohhhh." No ghost calls out men's names!

Ernie:
Oh, now I get it! I never understood why a ghost would haunt for 10 minutes, go use your bathroom then haunt again.

Benny:
Wayne was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were gonna get married. Why would you do something like this?

George:
Wayne might've been great for you, but not for me.

Benny:
Was he mean to you? Did he smack you around when I wasn't in the room? Because it's okay, I gave him permission to do that!

Benny:
You couldn't share me, so you ruined my life.

George:
I didn't know what Wayne meant to you, Mom. I was ten. I didn't know anything. I thought it would be cool if you married Elton John.

Benny:
George, Wayne could've made our lives so much better, but you blew it.

George:
I know. I feel horrible about it, but there's nothing I can do. It was a long time ago.

Benny:
It wasn't a long time ago. He came by the other day and you told him I was dead. You lied. You're always calling me a liar, but you are no better.

George:
Yes, I am. I only lied once.

Benny:
Really? Is this the first time Wayne has tried to contact me?

George:
(lies) Yes.

(walks over to Ernie)

Ernie:
(scared) He comes by everytime he's single, it's been 7 times in the last 30 years. Oh, he misses you greatly.

Benny:
7 times.

George:
Okay, so I was raised by the biggest liar in the world. You told me, for my birthday, that you got me a cat, like a special breed, called the nut cat. That squirrel almost tore my whole face off!

Benny:
At least I didn't ruin your life, I'm gonna die alone thanks to you.

George:
No you're not. I'm gonna find Wayne and I'm gonna fix this, I'm gonna give you guys a second chance.

Benny:
You told him I was dead.

George:
So? I'll just tell him the truth, and I promise you Mom, when he sees you, he's gonna think you're as beautiful now as you were 30 years ago-- oh qué la, I'm lying now and I can't stop lying! (runs out the house)

George:
Man, I'm too late. Angie has the bills.

Ernie:
So? What's the big deal?

George:
I went a little crazy with my raise and dropped $900 on some new golf clubs. I was hoping to get the bill before Angie got a chance to see it.

Ernie:
You hide things you buy from your wife?!

George:
(imitating Ernie): "You hide things you buy from your wife?!" Dude, you really need to get a woman, I'm tired of explaining these things to you!

Ernie:
George, If you hadn't hooked up with Angie when you were 18, your life would've been just like mine.

George:
That is the worst thing you've ever said to me!

Vic:
(to George) What is with the smoke? Did the little girl from Kansas poor water on your mother?

George:
(to Benny) Okay, uh, here's the deal. I'm gonna try to stop complaining because I don't want to be your excuse for smoking. So if you can't quit, it's 'cause you're self-destructive, undisciplined, (yells) AND YOU NEVER GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I WAS A KID!

Angie (to George):
What did you do to finally make Benny quit smoking?

George:
I told her the same thing I wrote on her Mother's Day card: "You're old and you'd better not lose your job, because sabes que? I ain't taking care of your ass! Warm regards, your loving son George."

Angie:
George! I just finished the letter and I put it on official stationary. I signed it N.W.A.

George:
Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending this to a racist?

Angie:
Not *that* N.W.A! The Neighborhood Watch Assocoation!

Angie:
(after taking the bat from George) You're just gonna get hurt. You've got the reflexes of a drunk grandma!

(Benny snatches the bat from Angie)

Benny:
You got anything else to say about drunk grandmas? (Angie doesn't say anything) I didn't think so.

[When George is planning to threaten a neighbor into taking down a racist statue]

George (while holding a bat):
You know what they call this in the hands of a Judo master?

Angie:
The last thing he touches before he dies?

Vic (to George):
What the hell is wrong with you?

George:
Like you care. (walks away)

Angie [to Max]:
I know you had a good time working at the factory, but it's not your future. [to George] Would you please talk some sense into your son?

George:
Max, there is no way you're dropping out of school.

Max:
But I have to start making money right now. Social Security is a pyramid scheme being gutted by the baby boomers.

George:
Do you have any idea what the hell you're saying?

Max:
No. Somebody knocked over the radio on the loading dock. It's stuck on AM.

George:
You don't go to war without a general! You don't play football without a quarterback! You don't have a wolf pack without... what's the head wolf called?

Ernie:
The lone wolf?

George:
The lone wolf can't be the leader. He's alone!

Ernie:
Maybe they're following him, but he doesn't know it.

George:
Do you want to go to the factory or do you want to talk about wolves?

Ernie:
I wanna go to the factory, but can we talk about wolves on the way?

Mr. Vega (to George):
You've either got a lot of guts or you're an idiot.

George:
Maybe I'm both. You don't know me!