The Good Place, Season 1

Michael:
Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?

Eleanor:
I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?

Michael:
Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Eleanor:
Cool.

Michael:
Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep. You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Eleanor:
Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?

Michael:
Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.

Eleanor:
Who's Doug Forcett?

Michael:
Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!

Eleanor:
I mean, somebody royally forked up. Somebody forked up. Why can't I say "fork"?

Chidi:
If you're trying to curse, you can't here. I guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it, so it's prohibited.

Eleanor:
That's bullshirt.

Janet:
Hi there. How can I help you?

Eleanor:
What the fork? Who are you?

Janet:
I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

Chidi:
She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...

Eleanor:
Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?

Janet:
No.

Eleanor:
Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

Janet:
That's correct.

Eleanor:
Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

Janet:
Yes, you were.

Activist:
Hi there. Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor:
Do you have a second to eat my farts?

[Eleanor tosses her coffee cup at a trashcan but it bounces off and falls on the ground]

Activist:
You missed.

Eleanor:
[scoffs] Pick it up if you're so horny for the environment.

Eleanor:
Look. I might not have been a saint, but it's not like I killed anybody. I wasn't an arsonist. I never found a wallet outside of an IHOP and thought about returning it but saw the owner lived out of state so just took the cash and dropped the wallet back on the ground.

Chidi:
Okay, that's really specific, and that makes me think that you definitely did do that.

Chidi:
I don't know what to do here. This is a mess, morally speaking. This is a putrid, disgusting bowl of ethical soup.

Eleanor:
Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

Janet:
It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Tahani:
That was my first time as a fashion "don't," and I did not care for it.

Chidi:
You are too selfish to ever be a good person.

Eleanor:
Well, I think you're wrong.

Chidi:
What country am I from, again?

Eleanor:
Sen...sodyne?

Chidi:
That is a brand of toothpaste.

Eleanor:
It's like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?

Chidi:
(pointing to the board) Plato!

Tahani:
So "Tahani" means "congratulations" in Arabic. And "Al-Jamil" means "beautiful," so my full name altogether means...

Eleanor:
"Congratulations, Beautiful.."

Tahani:
Thanks, Eleanor. You big flirt.

Chidi:
Basically, my life's work is 3,600 pages of garbage. Even Michael couldn't understand it.

Eleanor:
So? What does Michael know?

Chidi:
Everything. That's my point... he knows everything, and it was too convoluted, even for him.

Eleanor:
Michael does not know everything. Michael does not know I'm not supposed to be here. You wrote 4,000 pages on one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I mean I used to get bored halfway through writing a text message. Be proud.

Jason:
When I say I'm meditating, I'm just trying to figure out what the fork is happening. I think we might be in an alien zoo or on a prank show.

Eleanor:
No, Jianyu, we're dead.

Jason:
Whoa, that's a dope prank.

Jason:
And by the way, everyone here thinks I'm Taiwanese. I'm Filipino. That's racist. Heaven is so racist.

Eleanor:
Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu. It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy."

Tahani:
Don't mind me. I'm just dropping off my afternoon gloves, and picking up my early evening gloves.

Tahani:
I knew tonight was going to be perfect, but now it's going to be even perfect-er. Obviously, it's impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect.

Michael:
Well, it isn't, actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That's how you got Beyoncé.

Jason:
I came up with hundreds of plans in my life, and only one of them got me killed.

Jason:
I didn't get into heaven to go to school.

Eleanor:
You didn't get into heaven at all, shirt-for-brains.

Eleanor:
I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.

Chidi:
So, to sum up: Utilitarianism posits that the correct choice is the one that causes the most good or pleasure, and the least pain and suffering.

Eleanor:
I like this one. It's simple. Ugh, screw all the other complicated theories, why didn't you start with this one?

Chidi:
Ah, but here's the problem. If all that matters is the sum total of "goodness," then you can justify any number of bad actions, like torturing one innocent person to save a hundred, or preemptive war...

Jason:
Oh, dip, I get it. It's like, I knew this girl Sheila. She was a black market alligator dealer with a pierced jawbone.

Chidi:
Um, okay, what?

Jason:
Sheila was gonna get married to my boy, Donkey Doug and make him move to Sarasota. It would've broken up my whole break dancing crew and Donkey Doug was our best pop-and-locker. So I hid a bunch of stolen boogie boards in Sheila's garage and called the cops. I framed one innocent gator dealer to save a 60-person dance crew.

Chidi:
Shockingly, that is a relevant example of the Utilitarian dilemma. Well done.

Michael:
I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

Janet:
Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

Michael:
A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?

Tahani:
Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Michael:
It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

Eleanor:
When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Chidi:
I am in paradise! I should be doing paradise things, like rowing out on a lake with a good bottle of wine, reading French poetry.

Eleanor:
That's your idea of paradise?

Eleanor:
I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Eleanor:
Look at all these dishes piling up. I used to just throw them in the sink and they'd be magically clean by morning.

Chidi:
I did that. I cleaned the dishes.

Eleanor:
Oh... Then what's up with these bad boys?

Chidi:
You are unbelievable.

Tahani:
I'm sure you all know my sister, Kamilah. [cheers] Yes. Kamilah. Kamilah, of course, is the youngest person ever to graduate from Oxford University, she's a world-class painter, social activist, iconoclast, Olympic gold medalist for archery, a BAFTA Award-winner for her documentary on her Grammy Award-winning album, and the person voted "Most Likely to be Banksy." So without further ado, take it away from me! Sorry, I mean take it away, Kamilah.

Eleanor:
Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

Eleanor:
It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Chidi:
Quick summary of contractualism. Uh, imagine a group of reasonable people are coming up with the rules for a new society.

Eleanor:
Like if your Uber driver talks to you, the ride should be free?

Chidi:
Sure, but anyone can veto any rule that they think is unfair. So if you said, "We should be able to break our promises without any repercussions," someone would veto that rule.

Eleanor:
Well, my first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Chidi:
Well, that's called tyranny. And it's generally frowned upon.

Michael:
So to prepare to meet all of you, I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all ten seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those friends really were "friends," weren't they? Although - and I realize this is the kind of observation that would only occur to the mind of an eternal being. How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan real estate prices.

Eleanor:
Yeah, we were all confused about that too.

Tahani:
Jianyu, my love. How are you?

Jason:
[reading Magic 8-Ball] I am decidedly so.

Tahani:
That's very profound.

Chidi:
You can't make small talk with her for one day without being caught?

Jason:
No, I can't, and she freaks me out. She's so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um... Nala from The Lion King.

Tahani:
And do you like France as much as I do?

Chidi:
Well, they enslaved my country for 300 years. So no. But they have great museums.

Michael:
I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.

Eleanor:
Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Tahani:
By the way, uh, what's your favorite color for the tablecloths?

Michael:
Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes. It's called "pleurigloss."

Tahani:
Could you describe it?

Michael:
It's the color of... When a soldier comes home from war and sees his dog for the first time.

Tahani:
Hmm. How about blue?

Michael:
For a being like me, retirement is not something fun.

Tahani:
What is "retirement" for you exactly?

Michael:
Well, I wasn't gonna share this so as not to upset you, but it's, a... an extreme form of punishment. We call it "The Eternal Shriek." My soul will be disintegrated, and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun. And then my... my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds.

Tahani:
Oh, but the diamonds sound lovely.

Michael:
They're not. And then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod, like a...

Tahani:
Like a piñata.

Michael:
Yes, except you have the string around my waist, but instead it will definitely be around my genitals.

Eleanor:
Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Michael:
I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know? I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards." I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy."

Chidi:
Any moment now, Michael is going to get on that train, and we will never see him again, just like Professor Lindeman after I asked him to reread my 3,600-page manuscript. He said he was going out for cigarettes, but then he just left his tenured position at the Sorbonne.

Chidi:
You cannot kill Janet. Killing is one of the most famous moral no-nos.

Eleanor:
Janet is a nonhuman object who was sent here to help us, and the way she can help us is if we kill her. We're doing one small murder-y thing for a bigger, better reason. The ends justify the means.

Chidi:
Do you know who said that?

Eleanor:
Was it someone nice and great, like Oprah?

Chidi:
It was Machiavelli. A very non-Oprah-like figure.

Janet:
There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.

Chidi:
So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?

Janet:
That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Chidi:
Look, Janet has learned and grown. She's essentially living a life. We can't kill her.

Eleanor:
Not with that attitude, we can't! Listen, man, I'm dead, you're dead, we all died, and now we're killing her. Pay it forward.

Chidi:
Uh, no, that's not what that means at all.

Janet:
Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Chidi:
Ah, thank you. That helps.

Janet:
However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Eleanor:
Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Chidi:
I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.

[Chidi walks towards the kill switch]

Janet:
[begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...

Chidi:
Ah!

[Chidi jumps back]

Janet:
Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Chidi:
Your pleading seems so real.

Janet:
Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Eleanor:
Oh, wow. Look, it's Weekend at Bernie's, 'cause you're a dead guy in sunglasses. We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

Chidi:
I've never been more stressed out in my entire life.

Michael:
Well, Janet's been murdered. That's a nice capper to this wonderful day. I don't really know what happens now because Janet has never been murdered before... only today, here on my watch, while I was distracted with a party that Tahani was throwing for me, which I didn't want.

Tahani:
Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

Michael:
I'm not. I'm blaming you.

Chidi:
Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

Janet:
A-B... Janet.

Eleanor:
She knows her A-B-Janets.

Chidi:
She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Tahani:
You know, I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend, Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé.

Janet:
Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Michael:
Is it actually a cactus?

Janet:
I don't understand.

Michael:
I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?

Janet:
I have the file.

Michael:
You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?

Janet:
That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Michael:
Excellent. Please, give me the file.

Janet:
Here you go.

[Janet hands Michael a cactus]

Michael:
Did you ever take off your shoes and socks on a commercial airline?

Eleanor:
And socks? Ew, who would do that?

Michael:
People who go to the Bad Place, Eleanor, that's the point. And unless I can figure out a compelling reason to keep you here, you will spend eternity with murderers, and arsonists, and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines.

Eleanor:
Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say yes. On the other hand, snitches do get stitches.

Jason:
That is true. I read that once on the back of my boy Peanut's tricep.

Chidi:
You just casually cited Immanuel Kant. I know we're in a miserable bind here, but this might be the proudest day of my life.

Eleanor:
No offense, but that's a real bummer of a life.

Tahani:
You know, one of my shyest friends, I won't say his name to preserve his privacy, but he found my presence so comforting that he asked me to co-host his TV show Anderson Cooper 360.

Eleanor:
You guys came to say goodbye because you're my friends.

Tahani:
Well, I suppose some part of me possibly has a sense of casual kinship with you, much as one might be fond of a street cat.

Jason:
Don't worry, I got you. I'll just tell Michael you're the bomb and that you got a dope soul and hella ethics.

Eleanor:
Oh, boy. No, don't say any of that. Michael has a lie detector in there. It's a glowing cube.

Jason:
Like the AllSpark? From Transformers?

Eleanor:
Sure, uh, just like the AllSpark from Transformers, and he'll know instantly if you're lying about anything so only smiles and nods, got it?

Eleanor:
I'll tell you, but it doesn't make me look great, so don't judge me.

Michael:
That's literally the purpose of this entire exercise.

Eleanor:
I'm sorry I dragged you into this. And that I never did laundry. And that I waited until you were about to do yours then secretly tossed mine into the basket to trick you into doing it.

Chidi:
You didn't trick me. I repeatedly asked you to stop.

Trevor:
This is the 3:18 to the Bad Place, making thousands of stops for literally no reason. Now, you'll notice it's very hot in here, and it will get one degree hotter every time you think about how hot it is. Oops. You just thought about it.

Michael:
Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Trevor:
One final note: the dining car is at the very back of the train. It serves only room-temperature Manhattan clam chowder, and also, it's closed.

"Real" Eleanor:
Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare. Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it. And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.

Trevor:
Yep that was my pitch.

Eleanor:
Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Chidi:
Famously a piano player.

Troy:
Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.

Janet:
Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

Janet:
People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

Jason:
That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.

Janet:
Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?

Jason:
Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Eleanor:
You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?

Trevor:
Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file. You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.

Tahani:
I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin. You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook." That was me.

Trevor:
Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating. See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.

Eleanor:
No, we didn't!

Trevor:
Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?

Trevor:
Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Michael:
Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Chidi:
What uh, who's Shawn?

Michael:
He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

Tahani:
And his name is... "Shawn"?

Michael:
You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear - [to Eleanor] they have them down there - but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.

Eleanor:
Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

Jason:
Number five is number one. Number seven is number two. Number three and number four are tied for number three.

Tahani:
What are you talking about?

Jason:
I'm ranking my favorite Fast and the Furious movies. You said you wanted to know who I am, and this is the best way to get to know me.

Tahani:
And is, uh, that a family member?

Jason:
I wish. That's Ariana Grande, the sexiest woman alive.

Tahani:
You wish that you were related to a woman you want to have sex with. You know what? It'd be one thing if you just weren't a Buddhist monk, but you're barely even a regular, functioning person.

Michael:
Listen, I don't need the Chidi who once had a panic attack during Rock-Paper-Scissors because there were, and I quote, "just too many variables." I need the Chidi who stormed in here and told me to stop Eleanor's train without thinking of consequences.

Chidi:
Oh, boy, now I'm nervous about that decision.

Michael:
Retroactively? I mean, how do you even...?

Chidi:
I don't know.

Eleanor:
There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi!

Janet:
Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.

Uzo:
Come on, Chidi, pick someone.

Chidi:
Don't pressure me, Uzo.I have to consider all the factors; Athletic strategies, the fragile egos of my classmates, and gender politics. Should I pick a girl as a gesture towards women's equality, or..or is that pandering? Or do I think it's pandering because of my limited male point of view? I'm vexed, Uzo, vexed.

Michael:
Now, the average point total for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million. Right now, based on everything that you did on Earth, you have -4,008.

Eleanor:
That's not great, but I'm gonna do nice things for every goober in this place until my point total is so high I can rub it in all their smug faces.

Chidi:
You just lost five points.

Eleanor:
There has to be something bigger I can do than holding the door and waving. There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the Good Place.

Tahani:
[confused] Wall mart?

Eleanor:
It's a place that regular people go. You haven't heard of it.

Tahani:
Look, I know this is tedious, but holding a door for someone is three points, and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood, then that's almost a thousand points for just a start. Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid. It's not as if you could, you know, "sacrifice your life to save others" or "change the consciousness of a nation." Both of which I did, by the way. Such fun!

Tahani:
Eleanor, everyone hates you.

Eleanor:
Well, fork you too.

Tahani:
No, this is good. Now that we know, we can actually do something about it. And I am an expert at mediating conflict, like when my friends Scary, Sporty, Posh, and Baby had an issue with my other friend Archbishop Desmond Tutu.

Tahani:
We must throw the perfect party, or else you'll be tortured by demons forever. This will be the fourth most important party I have ever thrown.

Michael:
Jianyu is not a Taiwanese monk, but rather someone named Jason Mendoza, a failed DJ from Jacksonville, Florida.

Jason:
I wasn't a failed DJ. I was pre-successful.

Jason:
We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.

Janet:
And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.

Jason:
Love you too, babe.

Michael:
Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Pillboi:
Jason going to jail?

Police Officer:
No, man. Jason's dead. He suffocated in that safe. There were no air holes. Plus he did a bunch of whippits while he was in there, which couldn't have helped.

Pillboi:
At least he died doing what he loved - a bunch of whippits. Now he's never gonna get the life he truly deserved.

Police Officer:
Eh, I think he got roughly what he deserved.

Jason:
Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...

Janet:
I'm not a girl.

Jason:
And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.

Janet:
Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

Checkout girl:
So, big plans this weekend?

Eleanor:
Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

Checkout girl:
...

Activist:
Hi there! Do you have a second to talk about the environment?

Eleanor:
No! Buzz off whale humper!

Activist:
You know, I see you here all the time, and you're always mean to me, and it really hurts my feelings.

Eleanor:
It does? Because the minute you're out of my line of sight I literally forget you exist.

Eleanor:
Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.

Janet:
Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.

Eleanor:
Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Janet:
Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

Eleanor:
Eh, some of those are right.

Shawn:
I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

Bad Janet:
What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.

Shawn:
I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

Beadie:
Hello, Mindy. My name is Beadie. I'm from the Good Place, and welcome to your first day in the afterlife.

Trevor:
What's up, idiot? Sorry I'm late, babe. Hey, are you pregnant?

Beadie:
That's not possible.

Trevor:
Congrats. Yeah, so, Mindy, look. You mostly sucked, but then you did this one good thing. I mean, I still think we should get you...

Beadie:
They didn't, but neither did we. A compromise was made: the neighborhood you are in now by yourself. You submitted a list of things you wanted; the Good Place provided those things.

Trevor:
Yeah, and the Bad Place made some modifications.

Beadie:
We got you your favorite beer.

Trevor:
Yeah, but it's always warm.

Beadie:
On your jukebox, you'll find every song ever sung.

Trevor:
Yeah, by The Eagles, and it's only the live versions. Also, there's some spoken word poetry from William Shatner. It's deeply terrible.

Beadie:
You get the idea. Welcome to eternal mediocrity. Welcome to the Medium Place.

Mindy:
So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s. I only cared about making money and doing cocaine. One night, I had an epiphany, right? I needed to do something good with my life. So I drew up plans for this foundation that would help kids all over the world, would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture, and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.

Eleanor:
You were pretty coked-up, huh?

Mindy:
Oh, yeah, man, I was flying high! It was so awesome!

Mindy:
But you're not gonna believe this, I followed through. Yeah, I woke up the next morning, I went straight to the bank, I withdrew my life savings, and I was gonna start that charity.

Eleanor:
Good for you!

Mindy:
And then I immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail.

Eleanor:
Ooh.

Mindy:
Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me. [chuckles] 'Cause I love cocaine. [laughs] Do you have any? I'm just, I shouldn't. Do you?

Eleanor:
No.

Mindy:
Oh, yeah...I mean, I was just, I was just kidding. It was just a joke. I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now...

[long awkward pause]

Eleanor:
Are you okay?

Mindy:
Anyway...

Michael:
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Shawn:
As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... [read's Jason's file] Oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.

Shawn:
Attention Eleanor Shellstrop and Jason Mendoza. This is the Almighty Judge on High of All Beings Living and Dead for All Eternity. My name is Shawn.

Michael:
Hi there, since there's no Janet here to serve you, I brought you two a little treat.

Chidi:
Ah, kind of like a last meal?

Michael:
Not like a last meal, just, uh, the final food you might ever eat.

Tahani:
I'm gonna miss these little perks when I'm down in the Bad Place, being forced to wear a knock-off handbag and drink tap water.

Chidi:
That's what you think hell is?

Jason:
I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

Janet:
I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.

Chidi:
Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts because I couldn't do anything. I missed my mom's back surgery because I had already promised my landlord's nephew that I would help him figure out his new phone.

Eleanor:
You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days…side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

[While everyone argues, Eleanor closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she tries to think. Suddenly, her eyes snap open.]

Eleanor:
Holy motherforking shirtballs.

Chidi:
What?

Eleanor:
Oh, man. [She starts laughing.] Wow! Okay, okay… Yo, Mikey! Shawn! Come on out.

[Eleanor's bedroom door opens. Michael and Shawn come outside.]

Michael:
Is everything okay?

Eleanor:
Right as rain, Mikey my boy. So, Chidi and I are gonna go to the Bad Place.

Chidi:
What?!

Eleanor:
[to Chidi] Trust me, I've got this. [to Michael and Shawn] That's our decision. Let's hit it.

Michael:
Well, what about Real Eleanor?

Eleanor:
No, it's me and Chidi. Call the train.

Shawn:
Point of order. I don't accept this offer. The real mistakes were Jason and Eleanor.

Eleanor:
Gah, gah, gah, gah! You said any two of us. It's me and Chidi. Let's do it to it.

[Bambajan suddenly bursts through the door, book in hand]

Bambajan:
Michael! I just found an obscure precedent in the rules that might just save everyone.

Eleanor:
Buzz off, Bambadjan! Don't need it.

Bambajan:
…oh. Okay. [he leaves]

Eleanor:
[to Michael] Ready when you are, boss.

Chidi:
Eleanor, what's going on?

Eleanor:
[turns back to face Tahani, Jason, and Chidi] It took me a while to figure it out. But just now, as we were all fighting, and yelling at each other, and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me. They're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't. Because we're already here. This is the Bad Place.

[She turns back to Michael and Shawn as everyone stares in disbelief. Michael stares Eleanor down for a moment, before his face splits into a wicked smile and he lets out an evil laugh.]

Michael:
Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out.

General Quotes:
Welcome! Everything is fine. The sign present outside Michael's office in the Good Place

General Quotes:
The sign present outside Michael's office in the Good Place