The Good Place, Season 2

Eleanor:
Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or whuuuat are you? A type of soup, maybe?

Michael:
Eleanor you and I both know that you're not like everyone else in this neighborhood. Everyone here led a remarkable life. But you the work you did as an environmental activist was just extraordinary!

Eleanor:
Ah, well, it's the environment. I mean, I loved, um mushrooms. I can honestly say that.

Michael:
Well, it paid off, because you were the number one point-getter in this entire neighborhood. And as such, I was just hoping that you could say a few words at tonight's welcome party. You know, just to introduce yourself.

Eleanor:
How can I say no? Can I say no? It doesn't feel like I can say no. But if I can: Michael, I'm saying no.

Michael:
Okay, so, you'll speak for maybe an hour or so?

Michael:
Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.

Michael:
Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Tahani:
The point is, we're all good people, right? We all did the right thing whenever we could. And that's why it's so nice to be here among you, in this massive house that I want. I want this house. Give it. No, I'm just kidding. But really, give me the house.

Michael:
Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

Chris:
You said that if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her, like saying, "I'm going to the gym," so that's what I've been saying.

Michael:
That was a suggestion of the type of thing you could say! How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?

Chris:
Five. No, nine.

Michael:
You dimwit!

Chris:
Hey, man! I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I twist them until they snapped in half, and I move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else. I'm going to the gym!

Jason:
Can I go to your house?

Janet:
I don't have a house, Jason. I live in a boundless void.

Jason:
Can I go there?

Janet:
No. It's a boundless void.

Tahani:
It's just that I'm not used to dressing like a plumberess. Is that what you call a female plumber or is a toilet sweep or, or clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.

Tomás:
My darling, you are in the Good Place. Relax. Feel the breeze on your feet. That's why crocs have holes in them!

Tahani:
I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!

Eleanor:
This is the wise monk who gave me the magic amulet. I gotta figure out what it means. Could be the key to this entire mystery.

Michael:
Luang, perfect. Why don't you take Jianyu back to your yurt, right away?

Jason:
Homey, no! I'm not spending another second with this loser. You said he was gonna be my best friend, but he is not. My best friend from Jacksonville was named Pillboi, and he was dope! We would talk together, get high together, throw old batteries at drones together. But this guy can't hold a camel to Pillboi.

Eleanor:
Okay, I no longer think he's a wise monk, and I'm pretty sure this is just a piece of garbage.

Michael:
They're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

Eleanor:
Hey, what if I, an already amazing person who definitely belongs here, wanted to learn even more about how to be a good person? Is one of these nerds, like, a teacher or a life coach or an Instagram fitness model or something?

Janet:
Eleanor, I'd like you to meet Chidi Anagonye. Chidi, this is Eleanor.

Eleanor:
Janet tells me you were a professor of some kind.

Chidi:
Yes, I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy focusing on deontology.

Eleanor:
Hang on one second, Cheebee. [To Janet] This guy's too big of a nerd. Who else you got?

Jason:
I'm too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu. What a stupid age I am.

Tahani:
I'd never survive down there! They should take Eleanor! She's a pear shape! She'd fit right in!

Eleanor:
Oh, excuse me! You WISH you could have a bite of this pear!

Jason:
I know this sounds crazy, but…I think we're in the Bad Place?

Michael:
Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.

Eleanor:
As my mom always used to say, if a cop handcuffs you to a bike rack, there's always something you can gnaw through.

Chidi:
Your mom always said that?

Michael:
Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.

Chidi:
I think this is pointless. We're trapped in a warped version of Nietzsche's eternal recurrence.

Eleanor:
Oh, cool, more philosophy. That'll help us.

Chidi:
Well, don't you see the problem? We are experiencing karma, but we can't learn from our mistakes, because our memories keep getting erased. It's an epistemological nightmare.

Eleanor:
Ugh, even your nightmares are boring.

Chidi:
You you are so mean, Eleanor. You're just like those childhood bullies who said I would never get tenure.

Eleanor:
I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Jason:
You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason," but I know a little wisdom I can give you.

Michael:
I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.

Michael:
Let's not get all caught up on who lied to who or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.

Chidi:
It was happening until 20 seconds ago.

Tahani:
You know, believe it or not, I actually found myself in a very similar situation a few years ago, except in that instance, Michael was Javier Bardem and the Bad Place was Vanessa Redgrave's panic room.

Eleanor:
What do we do?

Jason:
We team up with Michael.

Eleanor:
Okay, hot take, but I like your confidence. Tell me why.

Jason:
He has a bow tie.

Eleanor:
Oh, no.

Jason:
I always trust dudes in bow ties. Once, this guy in a bow tie came up to me at the gun range in a Jacksonville bus station and said he'd give me $600 if I put these weird turtles in my duffle bag and brought them to Daytona Beach. So I hotwired a swamp boat to Daytona and the guy paid me the $600. My point is, you always trust dudes in bow ties.

[a beat; Eleanor slaps Jason]

Jason:
I'll tell you what I want to know right now before we go any further. Did the Jacksonville Jaguars win the Super Bowl last year?

Michael:
[chuckles] Oh, you're serious. Uh, no.

Jason:
Will they ever win the Super Bowl?

Michael:
Jason, I can't predict the future. But no. They won't.

Michael:
I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to - the hanging bits.

Eleanor:
Gross.

Michael:
Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

Michael:
We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.

Eleanor:
"We're running out of time and I'm your only option?" A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.

Host:
Tahani Al-Jamil, social activist, philanthropist, neck model and now cover girl for "International Sophisticate Magazine."

Tahani:
Oh, it's such an honor. I have long dreamt of being one of the women or yachts who grace your cover.

Host:
Let's begin with your sister, Kamilah. A woman who, as you know, was offered the spot on our cover, but turned it down.

Tahani:
[annoyed] I actually didn't know that. Please, carry on.

Host:
Well, next week, Kamilah will travel to Cleveland, Ohio to become the youngest person ever inducted into the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. Remarkable.

Tahani:
...Is there a question?

Host:
Don't you find that remarkable?

Tahani:
Kamilah is very impressive. As you know, she released her debut album only six months ago and yet, the critics thought it was so brilliant that the Hall of Fame decided to waive its 25 year waiting period. Sadly, I will not be attending the ceremony because I will be in Haiti on a relief mission. Perhaps we should talk more about that.

Host:
Perhaps we should. But first, another question about Kamilah. Don't you think she and I would be friends? We have a lot in common, we are both Capricorn, and we're both only children.

Tahani:
...

Host:
I'm sorry, I forgot about you.

Tahani:
Oh, no. I died in Cleveland?

Michael:
I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

Chidi:
How long do you have to know someone before you do the right thing?

Eleanor:
Nine weeks, minimum.

Michael:
I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream-

Eleanor:
Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

Jason:
And who am I? Describe me now!

Tahani:
Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?

Jason:
Yes! She does.

Tahani:
Janet, when I turned 18, I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum, and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code: "I, Tahani Al-Jamil, shall do my level best to make every event too much."

Eleanor:
Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.

Chidi:
Are you trying to say "valedictorian?"

Eleanor:
No.

Chidi:
Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

Eleanor:
That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.

Chidi:
You mean a skirt?

Eleanor:
No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.

Eleanor:
Dude, you broke Michael.

Chidi:
No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.

Eleanor:
And what if he can't?

Chidi:
Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.

Donna:
Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow". The point is: that's where Max is.

Eleanor:
Can we visit him at the farm?

Donna:
Nope, because it's very far away in Guam. It's in Guam.

Eleanor:
Can we at least...

Donna:
Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam.

Tahani:
I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.

Michael:
Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.

Chidi:
Hi, Jeanette.

Janet:
Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"

Jason:
Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.

Tahani:
Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.

Jason:
No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.

Tahani:
Why? It's not important.

Michael:
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.

Eleanor:
Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.

Michael:
Sounds like a crappy deal.

Eleanor:
Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."

Tahani:
But this is hard because the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.

Chidi:
Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?

Michael:
Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.

Everyone Else:
...

Michael:
Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?

Chidi:
Yep. Ten more buddy.

[Michael goes up to the chalk board and starts writing]

Michael:
People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?

Chidi:
Good.

Michael:
Good.

Jason:
Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?

Tahani:
Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."

Jason:
Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.

Tahani:
But then that person would know we were together.

Jason:
Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.

Tahani:
But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.

Jason:
I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.

Chidi:
I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?

Michael:
"Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."

Chidi:
Do you see how you're already off topic?

Michael:
Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.

Janet:
Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.

Tahani:
Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.

Michael:
These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?

Eleanor:
Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.

Jason:
Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.

Michael:
What's happening? What's wrong?

Janet:
I am wrong. I can't stop glitching. I don't know why. And it's getting worse. I fear this neighborhood is in danger of total collapse. So that's the main thing. How are you?

Michael:
They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.

Michael:
Wait a second, Janet. What are you telling me? Are you saying that because you're glitching out the neighborhood is in danger of total collapse?

Janet:
Fun fact: mathematically, it's equally likely to either im- or explode.

Michael:
Okay, okay. So I suppose the next question should be; What's causing the problem?

Janet:
Unclear. The glitches started out small, and then began to escalate, and then I came here looking for help, and then I started talking, and then you looked at me annoyed, like that, and now here we are.

Michael:
That glitch appears to be limited to this building. So Vicky won't know.

Janet:
That's the good news. The bad news is, I seem to be losing my ability to sustain object permanence. So it's sort of a glass half full, glass stops existing in time and space kind of deal.

Janet:
Janets can't lie.

Michael:
You lied to Vicky earlier.

Janet:
Interesting. I guess I did. I suppose after 802 reboots, I must have gained the ability to lie. That's fun! I want to try to lie again... I love your outfit.

Michael:
[reading manual] "In the event of continued malfunction, hold down Janet's nose, and insert paperclip into small hole behind left ear. Janet will rapidly collapse in on herself. When Janet is roughly the size of a marble, she can be launched into space through an inter-dimensional suction tube or eaten as a midday snack."

Janet:
I'm very high in potassium. Like a banana!

Michael:
Janet, uh, what's a food that people think they enjoy but that's also kind of a bummer?

Janet:
Frozen yogurt.

Michael:
Oh, yes! [laughs] Frozen yogurt. Oh, Janet, you're a genius.

Janet:
Correct.

Janet:
Eleanor told me that instead of being sad, I should go get it, girl. So I'm going to go get it, girl.

Michael:
Get what?

Janet:
Unclear. I'll get everything, just to be safe.

Janet:
We are so in sync, we're finishing each other's...

Derek:
Derek!

Michael:
So, Chidi, just wanted to double check. How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?

Chidi:
It's frowned upon.

Michael:
Okay. What if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier? That's okay, right?

Janet:
Say "goodbye," Derek.

Derek:
Ah, good-bob. I hope we same place again very now.

Janet:
His brain is wrong.

Tahani:
It combines both classic aspects of British sport: whimsy and restraint. Oh, so restrained. I believe it was Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain who called croquet "barely a game."

Jason:
I went to Lynyrd Skynyrd High School in Northeast Jacksonville, which was really just a bunch of tugboats tied together.

Tahani:
Didn't you get seasick?

Jason:
No, sorry they were tied together in a junk yard. It wasn't a very good school. For most of my classes, we just sold dirty magazines door-to-door.

Tahani:
You know, Jason, every single detail about your life is deeply disturbing. And yet, I envy you. I was never allowed to goof off.

Chidi:
There is something called the Doctrine of Double Effect. In order to remain ethical, you can't just go into this with the intention of killing Derek. Your only goal has to be to spare Jason and Tahani from future pain by filling them in on Jason's past.

Michael:
No, I got you, I got you. So, it's like ethically we should tell Jason that he used to be married to Janet, and it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to Derek's death, wink.

Chidi:
No, the winking is bad. You should not be winking or saying the word "wink.

Tahani:
Jason I'd never guess we would be where we are today, me, a prominent British philanthropist with award-winning legs set to marry you, a swamp dweller who once asked me if the Presidents on Mount Rushmore have butts on the other side. We don't make any sense together, and yet, when I'm with you, I can really let my hair down, metaphorically speaking of course, because I'd never have it up in the first place. I'm not a factory worker.

Janet:
Goodbye, Derek.

Derek:
Goodbye, mommy-girlfriend. Bye, everybody. Derek's going away now.

Eleanor:
Does he seem a little bit uh still alive?

Janet:
Well, he's about as dead as he can be. Kind of like he's in power-saver mode.

Eleanor:
I've been keeping a secret from you. About you.

Chidi:
What is it?

Eleanor:
The thing is, it's not even harming you, and if I tell you, I feel like it might harm you. So, uh, ethically speaking, I don't think I have to tell you.

Chidi:
Yeah, well, forget all that. This is freaking me out. I'm losing my mind. So just tell me.

Eleanor:
I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."

Shawn:
When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back. Some people called you names, like "the Thomas Edison of incompetence," or "that dick".

Tahani:
At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.

Jason:
Do you mean us almost getting married and then finding out I was married to Janet and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend? Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

Tahani:
The first bit.

Michael:
Oh, Kierkegaard is so great. Have you read "Fear and Trembling"? Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"? Because that's what you are.

Tahani:
No one can ever truly turn over a new leaf. Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed Argo, but then, right on schedule, it was, "Guess what, Tahani, I'm gonna be Batman."

Jason:
I vote we...

Tahani:
No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

Jason:
I was gonna agree with you.

Tahani:
Oh, great, well, that's two votes for my plan.

Jason:
I never thought I'd be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.

Eleanor:
What cops? Where do you think we are?

Michael:
Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place, because they suck!

Jason:
No, they don't. All we need is a defense and an offense and some rule changes.

Tahani:
That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen, and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Shawn:
Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't. You aided the humans just to spite Michael. You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Tahani:
I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar. "Let's go." What? That's what I said.

Tahani:
You know my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, "I would like to speak to a manager." But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me.

Jason:
My mom was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?

Tahani:
No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories...

Jason:
She got fired after I...

Tahani:
Please, no.

Jason:
...robbed the pet store where she worked.

Tahani:
Please, please, Jason.

Jason:
We actually robbed it together.

Tahani:
No, no, no.

Jason:
Long story short, it was all a dream.

Tahani:
Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier for me.

Jason:
And to Janet, the best robot...

Janet:
Not a robot.

Jason:
Girl...

Janet:
Not a girl.

Jason:
And straight up hottie...

Janet:
I am attractive, yes.

Jason:
Any of us could have ever asked for.

Janet:
Thanks, guys. Because of the way we were conceived of and created, Janets don't typically give speeches...

Eleanor:
Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Michael:
All I've ever really wanted was to know what it feels like to be human, and now we're going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!

Michael:
As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.

Eleanor:
That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

Michael:
The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.

Eleanor:
Nope. Still nonsense. One more try.

Michael:
In a way, the Good Place was inside the Bad Place all along?

Eleanor:
You know what? That's technically true. I'm gonna give it to you.

Michael:
I just made an aphorism.

Chidi:
Here's the thing about me. You know the sound a fork makes in the garbage disposal? That's the sound my brain makes. All the time. It's just the constant grinding about things that I'm afraid of oorrr things that I want or want to want, or want to want to wa...

Eleanor:
You're grindin' in there right now, bud.

Michael:
See the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone, separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place. The only things there are the Judge's quarters, the accounting department, and the Janet warehouse. There's also an IHOP.

Jason:
Oh! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity! No.

Michael:
Sorry. In this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes". You don't really eat these pancakes. It's more like they eat you.

Jason:
Okay. I'll get eggs, then.

Tahani:
What is that? Is that jewelry? Not that it matters. It's just some jewelry I don't have. Can I have it?

Jason:
I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

Michael:
There are nine hot dog torture departments. Making people into, stuffing people with...

Tahani:
Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun. Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Michael:
Yes. "Throats".

Michael:
It's a torture museum. Famous examples of bad behavior, and explanations of the torture they earned.

Jason:
Is there a gift shop?

Michael:
Jason, this is Hell. Of course there's a gift shop.

Shawn:
Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels, but then I remembered, I'm a naughty bitch.

Eleanor:
Damn, you're good at this.

Tahani:
Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough, and you become pretty good at lying. Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all."

Shawn:
I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason. I can only fail up.

Eleanor:
What if lying is ethical in this situation? What if certain actions aren't universally good or bad? - Like Jonathan Dancy says.

Chidi:
Jonathan Dancy? Are you talking about moral particularism? We never even covered that. You read on your own?

Eleanor:
You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

Robot Tahani:
I'm Tahani Al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention seeker with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion, which I've been to, by the way.

Tahani:
I have, actually. It's remarkable.

Robot Tahani:
It's remarkable!

Tahani:
...

Eleanor:
Michael said the portal would lead us to the Judge, so where's the Judge? All I see is a burrito.

Chidi:
Do you think it's a test? Like, maybe one of us is supposed to eat it, or we eat it together, or or maybe, maybe it's a test to see how long we can go without eating it.

Jason:
I'm not scared of any burrito. I'll eat it. Unless the burrito is the Judge.

Tahani:
Don't be so bloody ridiculous. Judges aren't food, judges are serious people who wear long, silk nightgowns and big, white powdered wigs.

Chidi:
Wait, you don't already know everything about us? You're not omniscient?

Judge Gen:
Well Not in the way you mean. I try to learn as little as I can about the events of humankind so I can remain impartial, 'cause I'm a judge. Yadda, yadda, yadda. That being said, sometimes I get bored and I cheat a little bit. I've been binging Ken Burns's Vietnam recently. It's okay. I mean, I'm immortal, but that thing is long.

Judge Gen:
I just absorbed the entirety of your existences, and I just wanna say you guys are so cute. And the thing is, you didn't file any paperwork, and you have no advocate, and the rules say I gotta [blows raspberry] Send you back.

Tahani:
Your honor, please hear our case. You frankly wouldn't believe what we've been through just to be here today.

Judge Gen:
I mean, I would, because I just learned everything about you, but keep talking. I am, like, obsessed with your accent.

Tahani:
We have made so much progress and all we ask is an audience with you to prove it. Is that not your very purpose to weigh in on matters such as ours? To paraphrase a song written by my godfather: Hey, judge. Don't make it bad. Take a sad group and make us better.

Judge Gen:
Say "aluminum".

Tahani:
Aluminium.

Judge Gen:
I love that!

Michael:
Oh, spare me the sanctimonious lecture. You never cared about me. In the words of one of my actual friends: Ya basic. It's a human insult. It's devastating. You're devastated right now.

Judge Gen:
Tahani it's such a pretty name. My name is super boring - "Gen". It's just short for "hydrogen", which was the only thing that was in existence at the time that I was born. Anywho.

Tahani:
Quvenzhané Wallis and Stephen Hawking in the same room discussing me? Guess they must've made up.

Judge Gen:
How's it going in here?

Jason:
I'm losing by three. Meditating to calm myself down. I'd be winning by, like, a million if I could play as the Jags instead of playing against the Jags. I hate scoring against my own favorite team. [with dawning realization] But you already knew that. Because this is the test!

Judge Gen:
Yeah, that's not a revelation or something. I explained that very clearly.

Tahani:
The whole point of this afterlife test is that everyone in these rooms is supposed to be talking about me. And yet, even in this scenario, you are still talking about Kamilah. Which is exactly the point. I was never going to be enough for you. Never going to earn your respect. You know, I've done things that you would never have approved of. I died dressed as someone in the service industry, I shagged a Floridian, I even ate a Cheeto. That's right. Chewing it was deafening, and it's the happiest I have ever been.

Michael:
If I'm right, the system by which we judge humans the very method we use to deem them good or bad is so fundamentally flawed and unreasonable that hundreds of millions of people have been wrongly condemned to an eternity of torture.

Judge Gen:
Damn! That was intense! Look at my arm, y'all. Look, I got goosebumps. Doesn't happen very often.

Eleanor:
The little voice in your head sounds like the old lady from Downton Abbey?

Tahani:
Oh, yeah, sorry. Maggie Smith is my godmother.

Co-worker:
Hey Eleanor! Do you want to come to Lauren's baby shower!?

Eleanor:
Do you want to chew on my ass...sortment of brownies that I will be bringing to Lauren's baby shower?

Co-worker:
S-sure...

Eleanor:
I'm actually trying to eat vegetarian.

Brittany:
Ew! Why?

Madison:
Is it because you feel bad for all the widdle animals with their cute widdle faces because people stuff them into tiny cages just so that we can eat them?

Eleanor:
Yeah. That's exactly why.

Michael:
You know, I had a friend that said whenever she was doing something bad, she'd hear this this little voice in her head, distant little voice, saying, "Oh, come on now. You know this is wrong." And then when she started doing good things, that voice went away. It was a relief.

Eleanor:
Your friend sounds like she's one pick short of a pickle party.

Michael:
She's a little rough around the edges, but she was also a really good person, when she tried. See, I think that little voice was her conscience, trying to guide her in the right direction.

Eleanor:
I gotta go home. What do I owe ya?

Michael:
The real question, Eleanor…is what do we owe to each other?

Eleanor:
What? Did I sell you a drink? - Am I a bartender?

Michael:
Drinks are on me. Good luck.