Grounded for Life, Season 1

Henry:
Dad said we couldn't get a cable box, they're too expensive.

Eddie:
Your dad and I live in two different worlds.

Jimmy:
Uncle Eddie, it's stolen isn't it?

Eddie:
'Stolen' would be a word from your dad's world.

[referring to Sean throwing chicken at a car when he sees Brad and Lily making out in it]

Claudia:
[giggles]

Sean:
It's not funny! I didn't know what else to do.

Claudia:
How is throwing chicken even an option?!

Claudia:
Walt, why are my children on a chain gang?

Walt:
I am teaching these boys how to dig a hole

Sean:
Why?

Walt:
A good hole can serve a boy in a lot of ways. It helps them focus, lets them sweat, and makes them appreciate a warm bed at night.

Claudia:
How much is there to teach about a hole?

Walt:
That's the kind of attitude that leads to substandard holes.

Sean:
Well there was more than just chicken.

Claudia:
Biscuits?

Sean:
NO, no.

Eddie:
So you still have the biscuits?

Sean:
No, there were no biscuits! I'm talking about an additional incident.

Eddie:
I can't believe you didn't get biscuits, they come with the chicken.

Sean:
I didn't get any biscuits! Look I went out to get a bucket of chicken, I got a bucket of chicken.

Eddie:
You would have had to specifically asked them to leave the biscuits out!

Christina:
Hey, Lily, this is weird, you're online.

Lily:
No, I'm not.

Christina:
Yes, you are. Your screen name just popped up on my buddy list, see?

Lily:
No way! Uh, somebody signed on with my name!

Christina:
No!

Lily:
Yes! Send them an instant message. "Lily, what are you doing?"

Christina:
They're not answering.

Lily:
Type "Are you there?" This is so freaking me out!

Christina:
Totally!

Christina:
Yes, just hanging around, you know, just keeping it fresh?

Lily:
[furious] Oh, my God. It's my dad.

Christina:
How do you know?

Lily:
It's him.

Neighbor:
How's it goin' Mr. Finnerty?

Sean:
Ah, you know, keepin' it fresh.

Lily:
Did he really say keeping it fresh?

Claudia:
[shaking head] I'll talk to him.

Christina:
Should we sign off?

Lily:
No, move over.

Walt:
Back in my day we used to play Cowboys and Indians. Of course that was when you were allowed to say Indian. You can't say Indian anymore.

Henry:
I'm not allowed to say bite me.

Jimmy:
Hey! Watch your Mouth!

Henry:
Bite me, Indian!

Sean:
Hey, Lily, you liked the Ramones, didn't you?

Lily:
Well, the music was good, but I kept worrying they were gonna die.

Preacher:
Have you tried talking to Jimmy about this?

Sean:
Oh, I tried, but it kind of backfired.

Sean:
See, Jimmy, you're not possessed by Satan because...there is no Satan!

Henry:
[talking to a large group of classmates] My dad says there's no such thing as Satan, which means there's no such thing as hell, which means you can pretty much do what ever you want, so go right ahead. [complete anarchy ensues]

Preacher:
And you wonder why Sister Helen has it in for your family?

Sean:
Out! She has it out for our family. And i couldn't have forseen that!

Sean:
You know, hearing it out loud makes me realize I'm the worst dad in the world

Claudia:
Please. You're not even the worst dad in the house.

(Walt glares)

Claudia:
How do two fourteen year old girls even get from Staten Island to the middle of New Jersey?

Walt:
Well, if their fathers have achieved a basic level of competence, they don't get there.

Sean:
Dad, I don't need your help.

Walt:
No, of course not, just let it play out. At some point, the state'll intervene.

Lily:
You have literally pushed me off a cliff! You have literally pushed me to my death! I am literally dying. I am literally dead from embarrassment because of you!

Sean:
Lily, you really need to look up the definition of the word 'literally'.

Lily:
I am literally going insane!

Sean:
Alright! Good usage!

Eddie:
(about Sean) He looks like a drunk bear.

Lily:
You buy stuff for Jimmy and Henry all the time. How many freaking Pokemon are there?

Sean:
A hundred and fifty five. Can you hand me the socket wrench?

Lily:
Get Pikachu to hand it to you.

Sean:
Sure. Go for the obvious one!

Claudia (to Lily):
Friends don't let friends drive naked!

Sean (to Lily):
You just sexually harassed a waiter with your mom! How cool is that?

Sean:
Eddie, where the hell did you get 150 dollars cash?

Eddie:
I don't ask you where you get your money.

Sean:
I got a job.

Eddie:
I didn't ask.

Lily:
(to Eddie about the No Doubt tickets) How did you get them?

Eddie:
I know a guy.

Lily:
You always know a guy. How many guys do you know?

Eddie:
I know about 75 guys.

Lily:
Eddie got me 4 tickets to the No Doubt concert.

Claudia:
Oh, that's great.

Lily:
No, you don't understand. It's amazing! It's totally sold out and it's in a tiny club. It'll be like they're in our house.

Claudia:
That is amazing!

Lily:
No, you don't understand. It's incredible. It's a benefit concert, only 300 people will be there, and me & my friends will be 4 of them.

Claudia:
It's incredible!

Lily:
No! It's genius!

Claudia:
I know!

Lily:
Oh forget, you'll never understand.

Sean (to Eddie):
It's hard to find people like that, people who like you.

Eddie:
Yeah, she's one in a million. I have to get rid of her.

Walt:
(about Eddie fabricating his death) Wait, was this about four months ago?

Sean:
Uh-huh.

Walt:
Cause people kept coming up to me and saying they felt sorry for me, but I thought they just meant in general.