Hey Arnold!, Season 3

Helga:
Boy I'm feeling goofy, you know this Arnold guy he's been on my mind morning, noon and night for the past six years. I mean think about it, since I'm currently nine years old that is fully two thirds of my young life, is that crazy or what? Why do I torture myself by keeping it all a big secret why not just tell Arnold? La La La La La. Hey why am I telling you all this, you don't even know the guy. I'll just call that adorable little football head right know and tell him myself. Phone rings she gets answering machine. Hello Arnold this is Helga yes Helga G. Pataki the girl that worships you yes wastes days of passionate thoughts about you ohh my angel sweet love ohh how I lo.... [screams]

Arnold:
[Halfway across town] Did you hear something just now?

Gerald:
No.

[Helga is hiding in the air vent directly above the hallway, unknown to the fourth-grade boys.]

Curly:
Why don't we have the meeting right here in the hallway?

Helga:
Oh, brother! Why doesn't everyone I know just show up so they all can spend the rest of their lives in this hallway?

Mr. Green:
Hey! That looks like my ham!

Harold:
[whimpers] Ham? What ham?

Mr. Green:
Harold Berman, I can't believe my eyes. You stole my beautiful ham! And now it's ruined!

Harold:
Aw, I was hungry! I was really, really hungry!

Mr. Green:
That doesn't give you the right to steal from people! You understand that?

Harold:
NO! MOMMY!

Mr. Green:
I'm gonna have to call his mommy.

Rabbi Goldberg:
Harold, I'm disturbed about two things. First of all, you stole. Stealing is against the law; Thou Shalt Not Steal.

Harold:
But I was hungry, Rabbi Goldberg!

Rabbi Goldberg:
And secondly and most important, you stole a ham. Ham is not Kosher. Not Kosher at all. We don't eat ham. We haven't for 5,000 years, and we don't need to start now.

Harold:
I know! And I'm sorry!

Rabbi Goldberg:
Yes. I know you're sorry, because you did something that got you into trouble. But I don't think you understand why. When I was a young man about your age, I had a friend who admired a vest hanging in a tailor shop. It was a beautiful vest: Red velvet with gold buttons. He coveted that vest, Harold, but didn't have the money to buy it! You know what happened? My friend stole the vest! And he was punished! He had to work at the tailor shop, learning how to cut and sew and stitch so he would see just how much work it takes to make a vest. He learned a good lesson. You can too, Harold. I have an idea.

Harold:
Do you like being a butcher?

Mr. Green:
Huh? Yeah. I've been doing it for a long time.

Harold:
What's your favorite kind of meat?

Mr. Green:
Don't you have sweeping to do?

Harold:
What's the difference between a rump roast and a buttstick?

Mr. Green:
Hey, I got work to do! Go sweep outside! Just two more days, and he's out of my hair.

Mr. Green:
Harold, what in the name of Pete do you think you're doing?!

Harold:
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Green. You caught me stealing that turkey red-handed, didn't you? Guess you have to punish me now and make me work in your shop again, huh?

Mr. Green:
Oh, no. You're not fooling me, Harold Berman. I told you I don't want you to work in my shop anymore, and I meant it! Now go on, scram!

Arnold:
Uh, Mr. Green. I brought someone to help you.

Mr. Green:
Oh, no. No, Harold. I already told you, you're in more trouble than you were. You couldn't possibly be any help.

Miriam:
Uh, Mr. Blue.

Mr. Green:
It's Green.

Miriam:
Where are my briskets?

Mr. Green:
I told you, we're out of briskets!

[Harold gets hit by Arnold's ball]

Gerald:
Say something, big boy.

Harold:
Easy squeezy, lemon peasy.

Helga:
[Calls to someone off screen] Medic.

Ernie:
Ow! That baseball hit me right in the head!

Mickey Kaline:
You got dangerous lumber, kid!

Mickey Kaline:
It's not the hot dog!

Mr. Hyunh:
But you see, Arnold and tall hair boy, I don’t want to be famous! I want to live my life simply! I like my banana wallpaper, I like doing my own laundry! Just give me the simple things!

Ernie:
[reading his poem "Knocked Down]

I knocked down my share of buildings and leveled a lot of place

And've seen the miserable looks on the former occupants faces.

If you kick us out, Grandpa, we'll be really angry and sad,

On account that living right here has been the best time most of us has ever had.

Mr Simmons:
You know, Gerald, if you're still recovering from your tonsilectomy, you could consider giving your part to somebody else for Friday's concert.

Stinky:
Now there's an idea!

Gerald:
No! I'll be fine! Hey man, this part means a lot to me. Don't give it away to somebody else!

Stinky:
I still got my tonsils. In fact, I got four of 'em! I'm a freak of nature!

Mr Simmons and Gerald:
STINKY!

Helga:
So the thing is, Patty, I realized you're a human being too, and you have felines...? ooh, ooh, feelings!

Patty:
[to Helga] Hey, don't mind me asking, but you and Arnold...Do you have some kind of thing for each other?

Helga:
What? No, I mean, are you crazy, give me a break!

Patty:
I was just asking. He's kind of cute.

Helga:
If you like football heads. [the girls exchange smiles]

Oskar:
Drink Ya-Hoo Soda, it's really great. I'm telling you it's the best soda okay?

Director:
How old are you?

Oskar:
I'm seven years old. I'm a little kid, see?

Director:
Next!

Oskar:
Ehhhhhhhhhh...

Stinky:
Ya-Hoo Soda, just drink it.

Miriam:
[when she hears about Olga getting married] No, Olga! Don't make the same mistake I made!

Helga:
Oh man, this guy's a total liar! If Olga marries him, her life will be ruined... Perfect!

Bob:
So what's the stinkin' rush all about? get married in a year, if you still want to.

Miriam:
You won't want to.

Olga:
Mommy, Daddy, please don't be harsh.

Doug:
It's okay, darling, your parents just need time to adjust.

Bob:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you little twist top, Big Bob Pataki doesn't adjust, you got it?

Helga:
Daddy, it's not fair to have Olga choose between her true love and us.

Olga:
[tearfully] Helga's right, Daddy, you're being an awful brute, and Mommy, you're not even trying to like Doug. I am so miserable. [runs off crying and weeping to her bedroom]

Helga:
If I play my cards right I can get rid of Olga for good.

Principal Wartz:
What do you possibly think you're doing?

Curly:
I'm not opening this door! I'm not coming out! I'm mad as heck, and I'm not going to take it any more!

Principal Wartz:
What are you talking about?

Curly:
Turns out I am not the ball monitor this week. I wanted the responsibility. Oh, I could taste it. And I'm not having a fine day, in fact, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong!

Curly:
Then later in class, Harold answered the bonus question that I was about to answer. Harold stole the question from me! Another injustice.

Harold:
No fair! He let me answer that question!

Mr. Simmons:
Curly, you let Harold answer that question.

[Behind the lockers]

Arnold:
I think Curly's finally snapped.

Gerald:
No kidding.

[In the bathroom]

Sid:
You guys, Curly's snapped. He's throwing kickballs at Principal Wartz. My kickballs!

[In the halls]

Helga:
Hahaha. It's finally happened. Our demented Curly has gone over the edge.

[In the halls]

Peapod Kid:
Curly? Snapped? How terrible. Terribly sad.

[In the library]

Campfire Lass:
There's a grand brouhaha outside Principal Wartz's office. LET'S GO!

Curly:
[throwing a ball at Mr. Simmons] Save your new ageisms for the saps, Granola Boy!

Curly:
Heeeeere's Curly!

Principal Wartz:
[To Curly] Okay, what are your demands?

Curly:
My demands? Okay, I'll tell you my demands! I, I want two Yahoo sodas and, and a meatball sub!

Harold:
What happened?

Helga:
Any bloodshed?

Mr Simmons:
I think we all learned a valuable lesson from this.

Helga:
Yep - don't ever trust the quiet ones. They'll go bonkers and hole up in the principal's office.

[Grandpa believes he has died]

Grandpa:
Well, that's it. I must be in heaven. Oh, no! Oskar's here! This must be the other place!

Arnold:
No, Grandpa, you're still with us. Good morning, Grandpa.

Grandpa Phil:
What's so good about it?

Helga:
Me, Mom and Dad are supposed to visit my grandma in South Dakota.

Arnold:
Sounds like fun.

Helga:
I'd rather have a root canal.

Helga:
Great! You lost the directions; we’re totally lost on the road to nowhere, with a map of Wankyland!

Helga:
Mom, please tell me you didn’t leave your purse on top of the car again!

Miriam:
Helga, you know, I think that that is exactly what happened.

[as Arnold and Eugene Horowitz are going in a Roller Coaster]

Sid:
He's a goner...

Gerald:
He's a brave boy...

Harold:
He's a saint — he gave me his tokens...

Helga:
I'll show them. I'm me the most mountain, nature-loving girl the Aptidute has ever seen. [Whacks a pine cone with a stick]

Eugene:
5, 6, 7, 8, and— [Gets hit with the pine cone]

Phoebe:
[Giving a possible explanation to Helga's suggested career of woodsperson] Perhaps the test results indicate that someone with your dominate aggressive personality's best suited to a solitary occupation with a physical outlet for your expressions of rage. [Helga leans forward and glares angrily at Phoebe; nervously] Or perhaps not.

Oskar:
Look, buddy, I told you, I don't have the money. I have to use it to pay for my mother's hip operations.

The Man:
You little weasel, I'll give you a one week to come up with a cash, or else...

Oskar:
Or else what? Okay, I get the picture. You're a big man, aren't you?

Gerald:
[sighs] That Oskar Kokoschka, he's always get into trouble. Does he have a job or anything?

Arnold:
[laughs a little bit] Oskar? I don't think he's ever had a job.

Oskar:
[Knocks the door #5 and looks down at Ernie] Ernie, how's your demolitions business?

Ernie:
What do you want, Kokoschka?

Oskar:
What makes you think I want something? It hurts me when you say things like that.

Ernie:
Okay, then. Um... what is it?

Oskar:
Well, I just came to tell you, to tell you that I love you, buddy. Come on, give us for a hug!

Ernie:
That's nice, Oskar. I like you too. And, uh, a brotherly, sort of way.

Oskar:
Well, that's all I wanted to say.

Ernie:
Sorry, Oskar, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Oskar:
Well, you should be more careful next time, before you go around judging people. Oh, by the way, can I borrow fifty bucks?

Ernie:
You're a bum, Kokoschka! A lousy bum! You'll never change.

Oskar:
Yeah. So how about the fifty? [Ernie slams the door at Oskar, and Oskar sadly walks away to the next door and then he knocks the door #3] Mr. Hyuhn! How's my fellow immigrant good buddy? Uh, how's it going?

Mr. Hyuhn:
You're not get any money from me! You're not good, Oskar! No good at all! [Slams the door at Oskar and makes him walk away]

Oskar:
[Arnold's Grandpa opens the door] Grandpa! [Arnold's Grandpa slams the door at him. And walks away] And I guess there's only one thing to do.

The Man #2:
Okay, son, when can you start the job?

Arnold:
It's not for me, it's for him.

Oskar:
How many sick days do I get?

The Man #2:
Him? Is he little old to be a paper boy?

Arnold:
He work really hard, I promise.

Arnold:
Your first day on the job, you said you had a stomach flu. And today, you said you had a bad back!

Oskar:
What's your point?

Arnold:
My point is are you going to have another excuse tomorrow, or are you going to do your own job instead of making me do it for you?

Oskar:
Arnold, of course I'm going to do my job. Don't worry!

Arnold:
Good.

Oskar:
But I can't tomorrow. It's a national holiday for my old country. I forgot to tell you.

Arnold:
That's it! [Begins walking upstairs] I'm tired of all your excuses!

Oskar:
Arnold, you seem a little cranky. Maybe you should take a nap.

Arnold:
Look, I only helped you because you said you were desperate. You said you wanted to change. I guess I was wrong. Mr. Kokoschka, I'm sorry, but you are a huge loser!

Iggy:
Arnold, I am so sorry!

Arnold:
[bitterly] Oh, it's you.

Iggy:
[as Arnold begins to walk away] I tried to call it off. I couldn't get through! I'm sorry!

[Arnold stops walking and shoots an unusually furious stare at him, to the sound of a discordant screech sound, before continuing on his way]

Miriam:
I just have to go to work... somewhere.

[Mocking Big Bob, bowing theatrically]

Helga:
All hail the Beeper King!

Inge:
Helga!

Arnold:
Helga, are those flowers in your hair?

Helga:
[disguised as a hall monitor] Yeah, you got a problem with it?

Stinky:
Wow, Helga, you look just like the girl on the box of hot chocolate.

Phoebe:
You set her up on purpose?

Arnold:
Can't believe you do something that mean.

[All the kids at the school playground leave Helga alone and have their lunch elsewhere]

Helga:
Hey, she was ruining my life!

Harold:
Well, I think girls are stupid and I think dancing stupid too, and if I ever had to dance with a girl I bet I'd drop dead.

Harold:
Stop it ma, I'm not charming and I'm not handsome — I'm a big dumb ugly kid.

[Harold and Patty are hanging out on the balcony, since Harold doesn't want to dance, and no one will dance with Patty]

Harold:
Pretty good shot.

Patty:
Thanks.

Harold:
Your eyes are kinda puffy. You been crying?

Patty:
No, what are you, crazy? I just got something in my eye.

Harold:
Well, how come you're not dancing?

Patty:
How come you're not dancing?

Harold:
'Cause I don't like it.

Patty:
Well, I don't like it either.

Harold:
Dance is stupid, anyway.

Patty:
No kidding.

Harold:
I mean, what would be so bad if you didn't have to do with girls?

Patty:
What's wrong with girls?

Harold:
Nothing. I just don't like 'em, okay?

Patty:
You're just saying that 'cause you're a boy.

Harold:
So what if I'm a boy? What's wrong with boys?

Patty:
Nothing. Except they're stupid.

Harold:
I am not stupid! And if you say that again, I'm gonna pound you!

Patty:
You and what army?

Harold:
You know, you really bug me!

[Pause]

Patty:
I know why you can't dance. You're scared.

[Sid and Stinky notice Harold and Patty]

Sid:
Hey, Stinky, come over here and tell me what I'm looking at.

Stinky:
Well, I'd say it looks like Harold. Only it can't be Harold. On the count he's single with a girl.

Sid:
It is Harold. And it's not just a girl, it's Big Patty.

Stinky:
You reckon he snapped his cap?

Sid:
He must've, Stinky. What other explanation could there be?

Harold:
Stop it! You guys don't know what you're talking about. Her name's not Big Patty, she's Patty. And she's not clumsy and she's not dumb. Not only that, she's smart and she's nice and funny. I must be crazy to listen to you guys, why do I care what you think? The only thing that matters is what I think. And what I think is I like Patty! And if anybody's got a problem with that, I'll beat you up so bad it won't even be funny!

Harold:
I bet Rhonda thinks I'm a geek because I'm fat and loud and OBNOXIOUS!

Curly:
And I'll bet she thinks I'm a geek 'cause my dad cuts my hair with a bowl!

Sid:
I bet she thinks I'm a geek because of my huge nose!

Stinky:
It's not that huge, Sid.

Sid:
Thanks, Stinky, but you're just saying that because you've got the biggest honker in the whole city. No offence.

Stinky:
None taken.

Harold:
[After hearing Phoebe's explanation of a geek] Bite the head off a chicken?!

Eugene:
But that's totally unfair! None of us bite off chicken heads... well, except for Curly.

Curly:
Yeah! And that was just the one time!

[the kids are thinking of ideas for something to do]

Harold:
I say we all go over and crash Rhonda's party and eat all her food!

Kids:
YEAH!

Helga:
Well, I say we get a carload of horse manure and leave it on her porch!

Kids:
YEAH!

Curly:
I say we paint ourselves with tiger stripes, and go free all the animals in the zoo!

[Everyone stares at him]

Helga:
[sarcastically] Fine, Curly. We'll meet you there in an hour. [Curly runs away cackling] Poor twisted little freak.

Gerald:
Hey, Arnold! Back from the cool party already?

Arnold:
Yeah. Basically it stunk. So I left.

Gerald:
Wanna go do something?

Arnold:
But I thought you had plans tonight?

Gerald:
Nah, I just made that up so you wouldn't feel bad about goin' to Rhonda's party. You wanna go throw rocks at Helga throwing rocks at a dumpster?

Arnold:
Sure.

Harold:
Geek party at Arnold's house!

Curly:
Ahhhhaaa free all the animals Ahhhhhhaaaa!

[Rhonda, Nadine and Lila have just found the words "Arnold Loves Lila" written on the wall. Unknown to them, Helga has written it, originally writing "Arnold Loves Helga" then changing it when she heard them coming.]

Nadine:
Do you think it's true?

Rhonda:
Of course it's true, it's written on the wall: Arnold Loves Lila.

[Helga is watching as Lila and Arnold spend time together]

Helga:
The worst part is, I did this to myself! If only I had left what I wrote on the wall, if only I wasn't so gutless, maybe Arnold would be cosying up to me, instead of that Little Miss Perfect phony Lila.

Stinky:
How about the Muave Avenger?

Arnold:
We are not calling our go-cart, the Muave Avenger. [Scene changes] I can't believe we called our go-cart the Muave Avenger.

Edmund:
Hey, when do I get to drive?

Wolfgang:
You get to drive, uh... NEVER!

[Eugene has come in second.]

Stinky:
But we didn't win.

Eugene:
But I didn't crash!

Stinky:
But we didn't win.

Grandpa:
[looking through a photo album] Heh Heh Heh, there’s Gertie rolling me in honey and staking me on top of an ant hill. [Arnold is seen walking up the stairs] That mischievous, pigtailed little imp. Oh mercy.

Arnold:
Hey Grandpa.

Grandpa:
Why, if it isn’t young Arnold home from his day at school. How come you’re all covered in paint?

Arnold:
Helga poured it on me. So I poured some on her.

Grandpa:
[stands up] What! Oh my word, you’ve snapped Arnold! You’ve turned into some kind of vicious, paint-pouring thug. [Arnold rolls eyes] I don’t know what to think about you any more. Why didn’t you follow your instincts like I told you?

Arnold:
I did Grandpa.

Grandpa:
I wasn't talking about those instincts. I meant your good ones.

Arnold:
I know, Grandpa. I feel terrible. What should I do?

Grandpa:
Well, you may be stuck with this girl for a long time, you better try and make peace.

Arnold:
Yeah, I'm gonna call Helga and apologize.

Big Bob:
Hey, Helga, it's your little friend, Alfred, on the phone!

Helga:
Arnold? Calling me? At my house?

Big Bob:
Yeah, yeah, Arnold. Whatever. Anyway, he's on the phone for you!

Helga:
Oh, Arnold! So kind, so just, so moral! [is twirling around while the telephone cord is wrapping around her] You couldn't help but return to the ways I know and love. [she sighs and falls to the floor with a loud thump, Big Bob hears the fall from downstairs]

Arnold:
Helga?? Are you there??

[Helga is on the floor wrapped in her telephone cord]

Helga:
[sarcastically] Yeah, yeah! An agreement sounds great. Have my people call your people and we'll draw up the papers! Yeah, in your dreams, football head! Like I'm ever going to agree with you about anything! And don't ever call me at my house ever again! EVER! [sighs and Big Bob opens her bedroom door and looks down to her confused, Helga looks up at him and laughs sheepishly]

Big Bob:
I'm not even gonna ask... [leaves her room]