Red vs. Blue, Season 1

Simmons:
Hey.

Grif:
Mmyeah?

Simmons:
D'you ever wonder why we're here?

Grif:
It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, are we the product of some... cosmic coincidence? Or is there really a God, watching everything, you know, with a plan for us and stuff. I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night.

Simmons:
...What? I mean why are we out here, in this canyon?

Grif:
Oh. Uhhhhh. Yeah.

Simmons:
And what was all that stuff about God?

Grif:
Uhhhhh. Hm? Nothing.

Simmons:
...Do you want to talk about it?

Grif:
No.

Simmons:
You sure?

Grif:
Yes.

Simmons:
Seriously though, why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere. No way in or out.

Grif:
Mmhm.

Simmons:
The only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here.

Grif:
Well, yeah, that's because we're fighting each other.

Simmons:
No, no, but I mean... even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come and take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.

Grif:
What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens, next thing I know, Master Chief blows up the whole Covenant Armada, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys!

Tucker:
What are they doing?

Church:
...What?!

Tucker:
I said, what are they doing now?

Church:
God... damn! I'm getting so sick of answering that question—

Tucker:
You have the fucking rifle; I can't see shit! So don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick—

Church:
Okay, okay, look: they're just standing there and talking. Okay? That's all they're doing— that's all they ever do— is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, "What are they doing?", my answer's gonna be, "They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!"

Tucker:
...What are they talking about?

Church:
You know what? I fucking hate you.

Grif:
Talk about a waste of resources. I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent forms of life, you know, fight them.

Simmons:
Yeah, no shit, that's why they should have put us in charge.

Sarge:
Ladies! Front and center on the double!

Simmons:
Fuck!

Grif:
Yes sir!

Sarge:
Hurry up, ladies. This ain't no ice cream social!

Simmons:
Ice cream social?

Sarge:
Stop the pillow talk, you two. Anyone want to guess why I gathered you here today?

Grif:
Uhh... is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?

Sarge:
[sarcastically] That's exactly it, Private. War's over, we won; turns out you're the big hero and we're going to hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Simmons here is in charge of confetti!

Grif:
I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge:
God damn it private! Shut your mouth or else I'll have Simmons slit your throat while you're asleep.

Simmons:
Oh I'd do it, too.

Sarge:
I know you would Simmons. Good man. Couple of things today, ladies. Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Grif:
Crap, we're getting a rookie.

Sarge:
That's right, dead man. Our new recruit will be here within the week, but today we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Lopez, bring up the vehicle.

[Lopez drives up in a new jeep]

Simmons:
Shotgun.

Grif:
Shotgun... Fuck!

Sarge:
May I introduce our new Light-Reconnaissance Vehicle. It has 4-inch armor plating, MAG bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen! This is the M12 LRV! I like to call it the "Warthog".

Simmons:
Why "Warthog", Sir?

Sarge:
Because "M12 LRV" is too hard to say in conversation, son.

Grif:
No, but, why "Warthog"? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig...

Sarge:
Say that again?

Grif:
I think it looks more like a puma.

Sarge:
What in Sam Hell is a "puma"?

Simmons:
Uhh, you mean like the shoe company?

Grif:
No, like a puma. It's a big cat, like a lion.

Sarge:
You're making that up.

Grif:
I'm telling you, it's a real animal!

Sarge:
Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.

Simmons:
Yes, sir!

Sarge:
Look, see these two tow hooks? They look like tusks, and what kind of animal has tusks?

Grif:
...A walrus.

Sarge:
Didn't I just tell you to stop making up animals?!

Tucker:
What is that thing?

Church:
I dunno. It looks like... Uh... It looks like they've got some sort of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it.

Tucker:
A car? How come they get a car?!

Church:
What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.

Tucker:
[mutters to himself] You can't pick up chicks in a tank...

Church:
Oh, you know what? You could bitch about anything, couldn't you? We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up, man?! Frig! And secondly, how're we gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?

Tucker:
Well, what kind of car is it?

Church:
I don't know, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a, uh ...like a big cat of some kind.

Tucker:
...What, like a puma?

Church:
Yeah, man, there you go.

Sarge:
So unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with: the Warthog. How about it, Grif?

Grif:
No, sir. No more suggestions.

Sarge:
Are you sure? How 'bout Big Foot?

Grif:
It's okay.

Sarge:
Unicorn?

Grif:
No, really. I'm... I'm cool.

Sarge:
Sasquatch?

Simmons:
Leprechaun?

Grif:
Hey, he doesn't need any help, man.

Sarge:
Phoenix?

Grif:
[sigh] [muttering] Christ.

Sarge:
Hey Simmons! What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats.

Simmons:
Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir.

Sarge:
Hey Grif! Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that? I like it. Got a ring to it.

Simmons:
Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif:
Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant", and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod heading for—

Donut:
(interrupting) Excuse me uh, sirs...?

Grif:
"Sirs"? Oh crap.

Donut:
I was told to report to Blood Gulch outpost number one and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif:
Sorry, man, Sarge is at command getting orders; ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons:
Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif:
You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons:
Also, he told me that if I had any trouble from you I should, [clears throat] [mimicking Sarge] "Get in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can."

Grif:
...That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Simmons:
Okay, Rookie, what's your story?

Donut:
Private Donut reporting for duty, sir! Ready to fight some aliens.

Grif:
Couple of things here, Rookie. First off, "Private Donut"? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut:
This is the standard issue red.

Grif:
Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits, and since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut:
[referring to Simmons] Well, he's wearing red armor.

Simmons:
No. My armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut:
Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons:
I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

[the Blues are admiring their new tank]

Caboose:
So I say to the guy, "How you going to get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship." And I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker:
Hey kid?

Caboose:
Yeah?

Tucker:
You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose:
Oh... okay. You got it, man!

Church:
You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

Simmons:
Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal—

Grif:
I just refuse to call him Private Donut.

Simmons:
We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut:
Absolutely!

Simmons:
We need you to go to the store and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif:
Yeah and, uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut:
The what?

Simmons:
He means the Warthog.

Grif:
You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut:
What? Uh, yeah! Yeah, of course I do. Sure. No problem.

Simmons:
Well, get going then.

[Donut starts to go left]

Grif:
Other way.

[Donut turns around and goes right]

Donut:
I knew that! Just... got turned around, that's all.

[Donut goes off frame]

Simmons:
How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif:
I'd say... at least a week.

[camera cuts to Donut]

Donut:
Elbow grease! How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with the headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the sergeant.

[the Blues talking about their new tank]

Tucker:
You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church:
Oh, man! Listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker:
Church, women are like Voltron; the more you can hook up, the better it gets.

Simmons:
You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif:
Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

[Donut walks towards Blue base]

Donut:
Finally! There it is! Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!

Church:
Hey, I'll letcha in on a little secret. I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.

Tucker:
Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?

Church:
No, man, she's just my girlfriend, y'know. We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out and... ah, you know how it works.

Tucker:
Oh, well... are you gonna marry her when you get back?

Caboose:
I'm not gonna get married. My dad always said, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Church:
Hey, Rookie, did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Tucker:
No, I think he called her a slut!

Church:
I'll tell ya what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.

Caboose:
[dryly] Great.

Church:
See, we've got this general—

Tucker:
Right... the... general guy.

Church:
—who likes to come by and make random inspections at bases. So what I'm gonna have you do is I'm gonna have you go in the base and stand right next to the flag at attention just in case he decides to come by.

Caboose:
When is he coming by?

Tucker:
We'd never know. Could be today could be... a week from now.

Caboose:
You want me to stand at attention for a week?

Church:
You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base! You're gonna be right there with the flag.

Caboose:
What's so important about the flag?

Church:
Oh, come on! Don't they teach you guys anything in training?

Caboose:
They didn't tell us anything about a flag... why is it so important?

Church:
Because it's the flag, man, you know... it's the flag ...it's ...Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.

Tucker:
Well... it's... it's complicated... it's blue, we're blue—

Church:
It's just important, okay? Trust us. So when the general comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.

Tucker:
Right.

Church:
So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.

Caboose:
How will I know when I see him?

Tucker:
There's only three of us out here, Rookie. He's gonna be the guy who doesn't look like one of us.

Church:
Now get in there and don't come out!

[Caboose runs into Blue base]

Church:
Man! That guy is dumber than you are!

Tucker:
You mean he's dumber than you are.

Church:
[sarcastically] Wow, Tucker. That was a great comeback.

[Caboose goes back out of Blue base]

Caboose:
Uhhh... Mr Church? Sir?

Church:
Oh my God! What! Tucker, I swear I'm gonna kill him!

Caboose:
Sorry about calling your girl a... slut.

Church:
ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! GET IN THERE!

[Caboose runs back inside Blue base]

[Tucker turns around and has his back to the Blue base and starts laughing. Upon hearing this, Church turns around and has his back to the Blue base as well]

Church:
Tucker, are you laughing at me?

[Donut comes behind both of them]

Donut:
Excuse me, sir? Can I ask you a question?

[Church and Tucker, without looking, assume that Donut is Caboose]

Church:
Dear God in heaven, Rookie. If I turn around and you are NOT inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!

Donut:
What did I do?

Church:
One...

Donut:
Ah, gimmie a break!

Church:
Two...

Donut:
Fine!

[Donut runs inside Blue base]

[Donut runs into a room with Caboose standing next to the Blue flag; Caboose thinks that Donut is the general and Donut thinks the Blue base is the store]

Caboose:
Wow! You got here fast!

Donut:
Why is everybody so freaking rude in this canyon?!

Caboose:
I'm not, sir! What can I do for ya?

Donut:
Finally! Someone with a little respect around here!

Caboose:
Yes, sir! [motions toward flag] I assume you're here because of this.

Donut:
Wait... is this all you have?

Caboose:
Uh, yes, sir! That's it!

Donut:
Aw man! This figures. Shit. What about elbow grease?

Caboose:
Ummm...

Donut:
Headlight fluid?

Caboose:
Nope. All we have is this flag.

Donut:
Well, I can't go back empty-handed. I guess I'll take that.

Caboose:
Sure... that makes sense... I guess...

Donut:
Man, they're gonna give me so much shit for coming back with just this stupid flag.

[Donut runs off with the Blue flag]

[Church and Tucker talk outside about the tank, completely unaware of what just took place]

Church:
Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.

Tucker:
Me? I can't drive that thing!

Church:
You're telling me you're not armor certified?

Tucker:
I ca— I don't even know how to use the fuckin' sniper rifle! Don't you know how to drive that?

Church:
No! Holy crap! Who is running this army?!

[Caboose leaves Blue base]

Caboose:
Hey! Just wanted to let you know, the general stopped by and picked up the flag!

Church:
[to Caboose] Yeah, okay. Whatever, moron! [back to Tucker] Why would they give us a tank if nobody here knows how to drive the damn thing? ...Wait a second. What did he just say?

[Through a combination of misunderstandings, Caboose let Donut take the blue flag]

Church:
Let me get this straight; you gave this guy our flag...

Caboose:
Is that bad?

Church:
Bad? Oh no, that's not bad! Next time he comes over, why don't you just help him blow up the whole god damn base?!

Tucker:
There! There he is!

[Church looks though a sniper rifle]

Church:
Where? [sees Donut] Oh! Yeah! Oh, I got him! He's sneaking around back behind the cliffs.

Tucker:
He must be one smart son of a bitch.

[Camera cuts to Donut]

Donut:
Oh man, I am so freakin' lost! Where the hell is the base?

Church:
Oh shit! Hey, Tucker, look at his armor. It's red.

Tucker:
Oh man! That means it's their sergeant.

Church:
Well, that makes sense. At least now we know how he got by our defenses.

Caboose:
Uh...you know...he came in the back door where you guys were standing.

Tucker:
Yeah, okay, well let's take him out then.

Church:
Rodger that. Okay, say goodnight, Sarge. [takes four shots; all miss]

[Camera cuts to Donut]

Donut:
SON OF A BITCH!

Church:
Aw crap. [sees Tucker staring] What?

Tucker:
You're really not very good with that thing, are you?

[Donut runs side to side]

Donut:
[yelling] Hey! It's me! Don't shoot! I'm the guy that bought the flag, remember?!

Tucker:
Oh, great. Now he's taunting us! That's just embarrassing.

Church:
All right, that's it! I've had it! Rookie, you stay here. Me and Tucker, we'll head through the teleporter, we'll cut him off at the pass.

Caboose:
Right!

Church:
Tucker, you ready? Let's go.

Tucker:
There is no way I'm going through that thing.

Church:
Tucker, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it doesn't work?

Tucker:
I don't know! Why would they give us a tank that no one can drive?

Church:
We already tested the teleporter, remember?

Tucker:
We threw rocks through it!

Church:
Yeah and so what? The rocks came through the other side, didn't they?

Tucker:
Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff.

Church:
Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about then? You're afraid of a little black stuff.

Tucker:
Yes, I am. I am afraid of black stuff.

Church:
Tucker, I almost hate to do this to ya. [Church points his gun at him]

Tucker:
You wouldn't.

Church:
You know, I look at it this way: either a) we go through there and get the flag back, or b) we stay here, and I get to kill you. Either way, I win.

Tucker:
For the record, I want you to know: rocks aren't people.

Church:
Duly noted. Now get in there.

Tucker:
Crap! All right. One... two...

[Tucker runs through the teleporter]

[Seconds pass and Tucker hasn't come out of the teleporter]

Caboose:
Huh. He didn't come out the other side...

Church:
Yeah. I've, uh... I've decided I'm not gonna use the teleporter.

[Church runs away from the base]

Church:
Okay, Rookie, you stay here. I'll be back with the flag.

Simmons:
I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

Grif:
I'm telling you, it was 4 shots; like bam, bam, bam!

Simmons:
Wait a second, that's only 3 bams.

Grif:
(annoyed) Bam.

[Grif looks through a sniper rifle]

Grif:
Wait a second, we got a Blue guy on the move out there!

Simmons:
Where's he headed?

Grif Oh crap! It's Donut. And he's got something. Looks like...Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons:
[jokingly] You mean the Puma?

Grif:
Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

Grif:
Oh crap! I-It's Donut. And he's got something. It looks like.... Simmons, get the Warthog.

Simmons:
(jokingly) You mean the Puma?

[Church catches up to Donut in middle of canyon]

Church:
FREEZE! [aims assault rifle at Donut]

Donut:
Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me? You could've hit me, dick!

Church:
Can it! Don't try to play stupid with me, Sarge! I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now.

Donut:
I just got here two hours ago and I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private.

Church:
Wait a minute, you're not the Sergeant!

Donut:
Yeah! That's what I just said.

Church:
Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?

Donut:
Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about.

[Tucker suddenly pops out through the teleporter]

Tucker:
THREE!

Church:
JESUS!

Donut:
HOLY SHIT! Who is this guy?

Church:
What in the hell?! Tucker? Is that you?

Tucker:
How did you get up here ahead of me?

Donut:
And what's with that black shit on your armor?

Tucker:
Hey! Freeze, Sarge! [Tucker levels his weapon at Donut's head]

Donut:
Will you stop calling me a Sergeant? I'm still just a Private!

Tucker:
The Sarge is still a Private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!

[Grif gets in driver's seat of warthog and ranchero music begins playing]

Grif:
Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

Simmons:
I'll take gunner. [gets in gunner position.]

Simmons:
Let's roll!

Grif:
How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

Simmons:
Don't worry Lopez, we'll bring her back in one piece!

Tucker:
Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Church:
Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

Tucker:
I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Donut:
Is this guy a retard?

[Annoying ranchero music from the Red Team's Warthog starts playing quietly and gets louder and louder as Church continues talking]

Church:
Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

[Warthog flies over hill towards Church, Tucker, and Donut]

Simmons:
Whooo-hoooo!

Church:
Son of a bitch!

Tucker:
Holy shit!

Church:
Run! Jesus, run!

Tucker:
The jeep followed me back in time!

[Simmons starts shooting and yelling taunts at the Blues, who have hidden behind a rock]

Grif:
What the hell is going on here?

Donut:
You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

Grif:
How did you get their flag?

Donut:
I don't know, I just asked for it.

Grif:
Wait, that worked!?

Donut:
I guess. Is it not supposed to?

Grif:
I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Donut:
Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

Grif:
There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Donut:
Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Grif:
Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Donut:
Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

Caboose:
Oh man... that's not good. Oh my God, that jeep has a really big gun. (indecisive) Stay here... tank... stay here... tank..... Ahh screw it! [runs towards the tank]

Church:
Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime.

[Church and Tucker are ducked behind rocks to avoid gunfire from the jeep]

Church:
My God, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?

Tucker:
You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank.

Church:
(obviously annoyed) Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?

Tucker:
Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy.

Church:
Well... yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to you.

[Caboose enters the tank's cockpit, and the engine starts]

Sheila:
Hello, and thank you for activating the M8O8V main battle tank. You may call me Sheila.

Caboose:
(nervously) Hello... Sheila... big tank lady...

Sheila:
Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Caboose:
Oh that'd be very nice. Thank you!

Sheila:
Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion-class tank. Let's begin with some driving.

Caboose:
Okay.

Grif:
Simmons! SIMMONS!! (Simmons stops shooting) Man! That thing is loud!

Simmons:
WHAT?

Grif:
Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

Simmons:
OKAY!

Grif:
Keep it down! Jesus! Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

[Caboose, learning how to drive the tank, has rammed it against a rock with most of the treads off the ground]

Sheila:
Now that you've mastered driving the M8O8V, let's move on to some of the safety features.

Caboose:
No! No, wait, go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?

Church:
(whispering) Psst! Hey! They stopped firing.

Tucker:
Why are you whispering?

Church:
(whispering) Ummm...I don't know.

[Tank drives up as Grif and Simmons are talking]

Grif:
Aw crap! I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Simmons:
Tell me again... uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

[Sheila pulls up behind them]

Grif:
Well, I guess it was this, or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Simmons:
Well at least that was fun.

[Both notice the tank]

Grif:
Ho-ly crap. What in God's name is that thing?

Church:
Tucker, don't be stupid. They're just trying to draw us out.

Tucker:
No they're not! Look! They left the jeep. They're gone!

Church:
Well... I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy but... a'ight, screw it! Let's go get it.

[Tank aims at Grif]

Grif:
Dude, hold still. I don't think it sees us.

[Tank pointing at Grif and Simmons]

Grif:
Why is it just sitting there?

Simmons:
Just trying to mess with our head. Let's get back to the Warthog.

[in the tank] Sheila:
This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence that can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button.

Caboose:
(talks over Sheila while she continues explaining; looking for button) Auto-fire... auto-fire... here! Here. No, wait! Okay that's more of a switch than a button...

Simmons:
Okay, you ready? Let's do this on three. One...

Grif:
Wait! On three? Or three and then go?

Simmons:
On three. It's always faster to go on three.

Grif:
Okay, okay, on three.

Caboose:
Here! (presses button)

Sheila:
Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated.

Simmons:
Ready?

Sheila:
Acquiring targets.

[on a hill, with Tucker] Church:
I'm going for the jeep. Cover me!

[Grif starts backing up, then turns around and starts running towards the jeep]

Simmons:
One...

Sheila:
(aims towards Grif) Target acquired.

Grif:
(panting) Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

Simmons:
Two...

Sheila:
(locks onto Grif) Target locked.

[cut to Church also running towards jeep]

Simmons:
Three! [Simmons turns around and sees that Grif left without him] Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite!

Sheila:
Firing main cannon.

[the jeep blows up]

Simmons:
Son of a bitch!

Grif:
SON OF A BITCH!!

Church:
Son of a bitch!!

[Sheila begins shooting at Simmons and Grif]

Sheila:
Firing main cannon.

Simmons:
Shit!

Sheila:
Firing main cannon. Firing main cannon.

Tucker:
[as Church arrives back at rock] Hey dude, the jeep blew up.

Church:
No kidding. Thanks for the update, Tucker!

[Grif and Simmons are hiding behind a rock while the tank is shooting]

Simmons:
(sarcastically) Hey! I have a great idea. Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the side of the rock! Great plan you idiot!

Sheila:
All targets eliminated. Acquiring new targets.

[Church steps out from behind the rock he and Tucker are hiding behind]

Church:
Hey, Tucker! Look at this, man! It's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.

Tucker:
What? No way.

Church:
(yelling to Caboose) Hey rookie! Good job, man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

Sheila:
[main cannon focuses on Church] New target acquired.

Caboose:
That's not a target. That's Church!

Church:
Yeah that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?

Sheila:
Target locked.

Caboose:
What? No! Target unlock! Unlock!! Please help me nice lady!

Sheila:
Firing main cannon.

Caboose:
Uh-oh...

Tucker:
Uh-oh...

Church:
What? Oh... son of a bi—

[Sheila fires and Church goes flying]

Tucker:
Holy fuck! Church, are you okay? Talk to me! Church! (yells to Caboose) You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!

Sheila:
Auto-fire sequence deactivated.

Church:
(gasping) Tucker! T-Tucker!

Tucker:
Church! It's going to be okay, man.

Church:
No... I-I'm no— I'm not gonna make it. Tucker, there's something I need to tell you.

Tucker:
(incredulously) What is it?

Church:
I just want you to know... I always hated you. I always hated you the most.

Tucker:
Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick.

Church:
Okay. Herrkkk... blaahh.

[Simmons and Grif run back to the base where Donut is standing next to the flag]

Donut:
What happened?

Grif:
(panting) Big... tank... shooting... Whoo!

Simmons:
Damn, man, we only ran like 300 feet. You are really out of shape!

Grif:
(panting) Fuck... you!

Donut:
Where's your car?

Simmons:
General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Grif:
Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

Donut:
You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

[Sheila's cannon fires, and the Warthog lands next to them on top of the red base]

Grif:
What the hell?

[Shelia fires at the base]

Grif:
SON OF A BITCH!

Donut:
Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!

Grif:
That's the tank!

Donut:
Hey, uh...Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

Grif:
No! Keep that away from me!

Tucker:
Why do you keep firing at the jeep?

Caboose:
Because it's locked on!

Shelia:
Target locked.

Tucker:
Well, unlock it!

Caboose:
Last time I unlocked it, I KILLED CHURCH!

Tucker:
Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then.

Donut:
I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Simmons:
Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge:
[Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Grif:
Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge:
Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Simmons:
Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge:
Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Grif:
Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

[Slight Pause]

Sarge:
Am I talking to the right base?

Grif:
Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge:
Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Tucker:
Uh oh.

[A large shadow flies over the Red Base]

Tucker:
: Hey, Caboose, you might wanna get out of the tank like right now!

Caboose:
I can't figure out how to GET THIS THING OPEN!

Sheila:
Night vision engaged.

Tucker:
Rookie! Get out now!

[Line of explosions approach the tank as Caboose is talking]

Caboose:
(desperate) Ok... open the... ok... uh, Sheila will you please open the door?

Sheila:
Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle T-

[Caboose escapes as Sheila is hit by an air strike, blasting her upside down]

Caboose:
Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!! Running, running, running! Man... That was close.

Tucker:
Look at your tank though.

Sheila:
[in a fading voice, referencing 2001: A Space Odyssey] I'm scared Dave. Will I dream? Daaaivvvvy... Daaaivvvvvy...

Caboose:
(screaming) SHEEEEIIIIIILLLLLLLAAAAAAA!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Tucker:
What? No! Sheila! Sheila! Wait, who's Sheila?

Caboose:
(devastated) Shiela's the lady in the tank. She was my friend.

Tucker:
Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!

Tucker:
[Radio sounds] Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?

Caboose:
[Cleaning Tucker's armor] Ok, that is the last of it. Your armor is clean now!

Tucker:
Did you get all the black stuff off?

Vic:
This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.

Tucker:
Hello! Command! We need help.

Vic:
Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?

Tucker:
I don't know what the technical military term is for it... but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men.

Vic:
...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?

Tucker:
No no no... not like that! We need more men to help us.

Vic:
Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?

Tucker:
Yeah but that got blown up too!

Vic:
Wow... sucks to be you.

Tucker:
Yeah, we know.

Vic:
Okay, here's what I can do: the nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-

Tucker:
Sixteen days?! That's almost two weeks!

Vic:
Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.

Caboose:
I like the in an hour one.

Tucker:
Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command, we prefer the quicker solution.

Vic:
Ten four, Blood Gulch. We will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post haste. Command out.

Tucker:
Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.

Caboose:
What's a freelancer?

Tucker:
Freelancers are independent, they're not red or blue. They're just guns-for-hire who will fight for whoever has the most money.

Caboose:
Like a mercenary.

Tucker:
Right. Or like your Mom when the rent's due.

Caboose:
Oh, that's funny.

Tucker:
Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?

Caboose:
No, no, not at all. That was... that was good

Church:
[appearing before Caboose and Tucker as a ghost and in a spooky voice] Tuuuckeeerrr... Tuuuuuucckkeeeeerrr...

Tucker:
(alarmed) WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Church:
I am the ghost of Church and I've come back with a waaaarrrniiiinnng...

Caboose:
You're not Church. Church is blue! You're white!

Church:
(normal voice) Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freaking ghost. Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?

Tucker:
Yeah, that's definitely him.

Church:
Now I gotta start over again. [clears throat and speaks in spooky voice] Tuuuuckeeerrr, Tuuuucckkeeeeerrrr, I've come back with a waaaaarrrniiiinng!

Tucker:
Is it really necessary to do the voice?

Caboose:
Yeah, it's kind of annoying.

Church:
Fine. Ok, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-

Caboose:
What's the warning?

Church:
Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!

Caboose:
Oh, sorry.

Church:
Seriously, man! I mean, I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here! Do you think this is easy? It's not! It's not like just... you know pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration!

Caboose:
(dejectedly) Sorry.

Church:
I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man! [exhales] Okay, here's the deal.

Caboose:
Is this the warning?

Church:
Alright, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose... your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.

Tucker:
Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.

Church:
Okay, Tucker. You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?

Tucker:
No!

Caboose:
Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?

Church:
Yes.

Caboose:
Cool! What was that like?!

Church:
Um... it was cold.

Caboose:
That's it? Just cold?

Church:
(annoyed) What do you want from me? A poem?! It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really fuckin' cold.

Tucker:
Would you just let him talk?

[Church tells about Sidewinder via flashback]

Church:
Alright, well... one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy. That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.

Tucker:
Do you think I was a good kid, Church?

Church:
Tucker, don't get jealous, man. Just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitchin' about the cold...

Soldier:
Man, it's fuckin' cold. I hope we get some action.

Church:
Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.

Jimmy:
Yep, soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.

Church:
And that's when Tex showed up. Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.

Mickey:
Bloody murder! Bloody murder!

Church:
The whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head and beat him to death with it.

Tucker:
Wait a second... how do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.

Church:
That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.

Jimmy:
This doesn't seem physically possible! Hurrk... Blehhh

[End of flashback]

Church:
Bottom line is: these freelancers, they're bad news. And Tex is one of the worst.

Caboose:
If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?

Church:
To tell you, I don't know why I'm not dead. Could have killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into eachother once before.

Tucker:
Where?

Church:
You, uh... You remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married. [starts to fade away] Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.

Tucker:
Okay.

Church:
I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing! You'll regret it. [fades away completely]

Tucker:
So! Tex and Church were after the same girl.

Caboose:
I told you his girlfriend was a slut!

[Camera pans and Tex appears]

Grif:
...and then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the side while they were hiding behind the rock but uh... that's when the tank showed up and uh... shit just started blowing up, I don't know.

Sarge:
[sighs] Grif, do you have any godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?

Grif:
I... I don't know... Like ten... Ten-twenty? Twenty-five bucks? ... You're gonna kill me now, aren't you?

Sarge:
Tell you what, Grif. I'm a fair man. I'll give you a 10 second head-start before I let Lopez do anything he wants to you.

Grif:
Guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry about-

Sarge:
5 mississippi, 6 mississippi.

Grif:
Okay, I guess I'd better get going.

[Sarge and Lopez look at each other, then start shooting at Grif]

Grif:
Hey guys! Not funny, somebody could get hurt here!

[Tucker is standing with Tex, while Tex fires at a target off screen]

Tucker:
That's basically it sir. They have five guys over there and a big jeep.

Tex:
[Speaks through a voice filter] And your flag. [reloads gun]

Tucker:
...Right. That too.

Tucker:
Hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try to not use other soldiers as target practice here.

[Caboose is standing in front of a rock full of bullet blasts]

Caboose:
I'm scared...

Tucker:
[talking to Tex but Tex is not listening] So you've got the special forces black armor I see... Were you in the special forces at some point? [Tex reloads some more] Yeah, I used to have black armour too. It was black because I got this stuff all over it from th- [Tex leaves] Okay, you gotta go? I'll see you later.

Caboose:
[whispers] I don't think he likes you.

[Tex runs outside red base cloaked]

Simmons:
Did you hear that?

Grif:
Yeah.

Donut:
[whispers] Hey, what's going on?

[Tex sticks Donut with a plasma grenade]

Grif:
What the fuck?

Donut:
What?

Simmons:
What is that thing?

Donut:
What thing?

Grif:
There's something on your head.

Donut:
What, is it a spider? Get it off!

Simmons:
No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...

Donut:
What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!

Grif:
It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...

Donut:
That doesn't sound much better than a spider!

Simmons:
Does it hurt?

Donut:
No.

Simmons:
Maybe we should try to take it off.

Grif:
Good idea. Go for it.

Simmons:
Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.

Donut:
Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.

[The plasma grenade explodes]

Grif and Simmons:
SON OF A BITCH!

Caboose:
[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

Tucker:
How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

Caboose:
I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Tucker:
Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Caboose:
Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

Tucker:
It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

Caboose:
You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Tucker:
Did Tex get into the base?

[Tex enters the reds base]

Caboose:
Yeah.

Church:
Blue team flag returned.

Tucker:
What the?! Who said that?

Church:
[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Caboose:
Hey, its Church!

Church:
Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Caboose:
Hey Church, what are you up to?

Church:
Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

Tucker:
W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Church:
Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Tucker:
Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Church:
Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

Caboose:
That sidewinder is cold!

Church:
argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Tucker:
Not to let him get involved?

Church:
Right, and what did you do?

Tucker:
We let him get involved.

Church:
And not just a little involved, how involved?

Caboose:
Very, very involved.

Sarge:
Freeze.

[Lopez enters base]

Sarge:
Drop your weapons.

Tex:
Hey buddy.

Sarge:
What?

Tex:
You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

[Sarge knocks out Tex]

Grif:
Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

Simmons:
He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Grif:
Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

Simmons:
[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Grif:
Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Simmons:
Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

Grif:
[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Simmons:
Whatever no one likes you anyway.

[Caboose watches Grif go into the base]

Caboose:
Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Church:
Well, that's just perfect!

Tucker:
What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

Church:
I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

Caboose:
She?

Simmons:
Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge:
Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

Tex:
[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Grif:
Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Tucker:
Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?

Church:
In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary.

Caboose:
I should have known... She didn't like me... Girls, never, like me.

Tucker:
Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you.

Caboose:
(Dejectedly) I like me...

Tucker:
I don't think I've ever seen a girl that mean before . . . are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?

Church:
I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy. And I'd definitely know if she was part shark.

Church:
But you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with.

Tucker:
Right, you should blame God. First he makes hangovers, and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. Thanks for nothing, God!

Church:
Will you shut up with that? She got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell.

Caboose:
A.I. What's the A stand for?

Church:
Artificial

Caboose:
What's the...

Church:
(Interrupting Caboose) Intelligence

Caboose:
Ohhhhhh, what was the A again?

Church:
Let's move on.

Tucker:
So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?

Church:
Oh hell no. She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements.

Tucker:
Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper.

Church:
So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?

Caboose:
I think so... That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you... a gay robot.

Church:
Yeah... that's right... I'm a gay robot.

Grif:
So, you're a girl, huh?

[Tex just stares silently at Grif]

Simmons:
Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Grif:
Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Tex:
Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Grif:
Yeah right. What are you gonna do, punch me?

[Tex moves forward, making Grif flinch.]

Grif:
Ahhhh! Not in the face!

(Tucker leaps through the teleporter, covered in black stuff, where Church is waiting)

Church:
Are you okay, Tucker?

Tucker:
Yeah, I'm fine. (turns back to their base) Come on, Caboose!

Caboose:
Does it hurt?

Tucker:
No, not at all!

Caboose:
Okay, here I come! (runs into teleport)

Church:
Does it hurt for real?

Tucker:
Oh yes, big time.

Caboose:
(as he emerges from the teleport) OOWWWWWWWJEEZ!! (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.

Simmons:
There's no L in it, it's pronounced 'both.'

Grif:
That's what I'm saying, bolth.

Simmons:
Both.

Grif:
You sound like an ass the way you say it.

Sarge:
Grif, quicher yammerin' and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.

Grif:
As in, more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

Simmons:
BOTH!

Grif:
Seriously dude, like an ass.

Sarge:
Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.

Grif:
Good point, sir.

Sarge:
YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back. Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camoflage. Now move it cupcake.

Tucker:
(Over Church's radio, fighting with Caboose) I'm not yelling. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

Church:
[Radio clicks] Oh my God... I can't believe I actually died for this war.

Sarge:
They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!

Grif:
Sir, are you OK?

Church/Sarge:
Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?

Grif:
No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

Church/Sarge:
I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]

Grif:
Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

Church/Sarge:
Uh...yeah. I guess did.

Grif:
Permission to speak freely sir?

Church/Sarge:
Go ahead.

Grif:
That's really fucking gross.

Church/Sarge:
Hey man, what's up, yo?

Simmons:
Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

Church/Sarge:
What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

Simmons:
I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Church/Sarge:
Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Simmons:
Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

Tex:
What the hell are you doing?!

Church (in Sarge's Body):
Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

Tex:
You're a little short to be Church.

Church:
What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge:
What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Church:
Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Tex:
Okay.

Church:
What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Tex:
Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Church:
Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

Tex:
I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Church:
Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

[Church re-enters Sarge's body]

[Church has broken Tex out of the brig]

Church:
Alright, I'll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One...two...thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the... where did my body go?! Oh you've gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]

Caboose:
Tucker did it!

[Just before Sarge returns to the real world from the afterlife]:

Sarge:
Will I remember any of this?

Church:
Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

[Episode starts at Red Base with Donut meeting Simmons and Grif, in a new suit of armour]

Donut:
Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

Grif:
...Uh, hey Donut?

Donut:
What?

Simmons:
Uh, about your armor...

Donut:
What about it?

Simmons:
How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?

Grif:
It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!

...

Simmons:
How'd he get pink armor,anyway?

Grif:
Don't ask, don't tell...

Donut:
Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.

Grif:
Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!

Donut:
I hate you guys...

Sarge:
Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.

Simmons:
Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Grif:
Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Simmons:
Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?

Grif:
I just thought he was a real quiet guy.

Sarge:
And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

Grif:
W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

Tex:
As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

Church:
I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Tex:
Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

Church:
You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Tex:
Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

Church:
[before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

Tucker:
So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.

Tex:
I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.

Tucker:
Yeah but you like it.

Tex:
Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

Tucker:
So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

Tex:
Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

Tucker:
Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

[Around Church's dead body, which was never buried]

Church:
Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

Tucker:
Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

Church:
It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

Tucker:
Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

Caboose:
Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?

[Caboose spies Donut through the rifle scope and believes that he is a girl]

Tucker:
Aw man, how come they get a girl?!

Tex:
[from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?

Tucker:
Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.

Tex:
And what the hell does that mean?

Caboose and Tucker:
...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]

Simmons:
You ever wonder why we're here?

Grif:
[Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.

Church/Lopez:
Ay, muchachos, necesite darle... un aviso... ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! [Translated: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning. What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!]

Simmons:
Um... sure.

Church/Lopez:
¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]

Tucker:
Oh Crap! Caboose, she's almost done fixing Sheila. I'd better radio Church and tell him what's going on.

Caboose:
Oh! Oh! Oh! Tucker, please! Please! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Tucker! Please!

Tucker:
Yes... You can be the one who radios Church.

Caboose:
Thanks man. [Activating radio] Calling Church. Come in Church. This is your close personal friend, Private O'Malley.

Tucker:
O'Malley? You said your name was Caboose!

Caboose:
I never said that! You guys did!

Tucker:
Why didn't you correct us?

Caboose:
Because I didn't want to be difficult. [Radios Church] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armour vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?

Church/Lopez:
¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchándome! ¡No mas Puedo hablar español! [Translated as: Caboose! No one here is listening to me! I can only speak Spanish for some reason!]

Caboose:
[Turns to Tucker] ... He says he wants to talk to you.

Church/Lopez:
¡Un tanque... grrrande!

Grif:
Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.

Simmons:
What country? We're on an alien planet.

Grif:
What are you, a communist?

Grif:
[surprised by nearby explosion] Son of a bitch!

Simmons:
Son of a bitch!

Church/Lopez:
Madre de Dios! [Translated as 'Mother of God']

Grif:
Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?

Simmons:
Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?

Sarge:
If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.

Donut:
Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]

Church/ Lopez:
Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]

Grif:
Uh, where's Lopez going?

Sarge:
To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.

Simmons:
Shouldn't we help him?

Sarge:
Nah, that would just ruin the moment.