That '70s Show, Season 4

Eric:
Where are we going?

Angel:
To your future.

Safety Dance by Men Without Hats plays in the background

Eric:
What was that?

Angel:
You will find out soon enough!

[A little kid punches the Alternate Eric at Donna and Hyde's wedding]

Alternate Eric:
Ow!

Alternate Kitty:
Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.

Eric:
Brother? What the hell?

Angel:
Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Alternate Red:
Now, son, what do we call Eric?

Jake:
Dumbass!

Alternate Red:
There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

[at the Point Place 1988 high-school reunion]

Alternate Eric:
[hears real-life version of himself, who just witnessed the alternate Eric and Donna admit their feelings] Oh, wait a minute. You actually had a relationship with Donna?

Eric:
Wait, I thought you said he couldn't hear me.

Angel:
I'm loose with the rules, so sue me.

Alternate Eric:
No, seriously, you had Donna?

Eric:
Look, we broke up. You're much better off.

Alternate Eric:
Says you! Look at me. I'm 28 years old! I've only had sex with Big Rhonda, and all three times, believe me, she did not look like that! [Points to Big Rhonda, who has a very sexy body]

Eric:
Idiot. You're sad you were never with Donna? Well, you got off light, man! I had her and I lost her, and believe me, you don't wanna know how bad that hurts! [storms out of reunion hall]

Alternate Eric:
So, you're an angel, right? Is there any thing you can do to help me?

Angel:
Alright, listen closely: NO!

[Donna is cleaning up the garden, when she walks to the hedge and runs into Eric]

Eric:
Hey.

Donna:
'Hey'? Is that all you have to say to me?

Eric:
Well, what do you have to say to me?

Donna:
Huh. How about this? 'Hey.'

Eric:
I'm not wrong!

Donna:
You are wrong, you dill-hole! [walks off]

Eric:
Oh, great. That's nice. That's really mature. Double dill-hole! [to himself] Double dill-hole?!

[Red and Eric talk about their breakups over beer]

Red:
There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.

Eric:
We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Red:
Yes, we do.

Eric:
It's just... hurts.

Red:
Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Eric:
Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

Red:
Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

[At Eric's basement, Eric is not happy about Donna's presence]

Donna:
Oh, right. Paul McCartney and Wings are on tonight. [sits down]

Eric:
[paces around] Okay, so... Okay, we're all here now. So... So, Donna, you're staying?

Donna:
Okay.

Eric:
What I meant to say was... Look, Donna, I don't think it's cool if you hang out here.

Donna:
So, what, you're like, kicking me out? ... Wow. Okay then. Bye.

Jackie:
Well, if you're kicking her out, then you're kicking me out.

Eric:
No, Jackie no. Oh, wait. I mean, bye!

[Kelso joins WFPP's contest, where a van is at stake]

Kelso:
Oh-ho, man! Oh, I hope I win this van. I really need a place to do it with Jackie.

Max:
Okay. Listen up everybody. The rules are simple. You place one hand on the van. If you remove your hand for any reason, you're out. Last person to remove his hand wins the van. Any questions? [A guy lifts his hand from the van to stick it up] You're out. Any other questions?

Daniel:
[cuts in] Don't start without me, Max.

Max:
Oh God.

Daniel:
[walking up to Bob and Kelso] Hello. My name is Daniel and I have won every WFPP contest since the Weber Gas Grill Trampoline Bounce of 1972. I am unbeatable, so the choice is yours: joy or despair...pleasure or pain...life...or death. [spits in his hand and slams it on the van] I am Daniel! And I cannot be beaten.

[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]

Fez:
Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.

Unknown Girl No 1:
So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?

Unknown Girl No 2:
I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?

Unknown Girl No 3:
It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.

Unknown Girl No 4:
I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.

Big Rhonda:
You gonna eat that?

Unknown Girl No 5:
I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.

Unknown Girl No 6:
My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?

Unknown Girl No 7:
Okay. So guess which leg's real.

Unknown Girl No 8:
I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.

Fez:
So? What do you think?

Hyde:
You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.

Fez:
No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.

Hyde:
Yeah. Right.

Theo:
I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.

Leo:
It's true, man.

Theo:
I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-

Kitty:
Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.

Theo:
Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.

Red:
Well, I'm sold.

[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]

Kelso:
Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.

Fez:
Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.

Eric:
Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?

Donna:
You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.

Eric:
God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?

Hyde:
Okay, that one was out of the park.

[Kelso and Eric are trying to read the number on Eric's hand}]

Kelso:
72936.... ampersand?

Eric:
Oh yeah maybe. I'm not really sure how to dial that though.

Kelso:
You just [points to phone] ...oh man me neither.

Fez:
Oh, Eric. I think you just consummated yourself.

[The gang discuss Kelso's selection as talent for Red's Price Mart stockboy video]

Eric:
You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?

Hyde:
Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.

Kelso:
That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.

Hyde:
Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]

Eric:
That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.

Jackie:
Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.

Eric:
What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.

Hyde:
Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.

Kelso:
[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.

[Hyde and Fez have just discovered that Leo actually has no million-dollar inheritance]

Fez:
There is no money, you son of a bitch!

Leo:
Oh, man, I guess all this stuff has to go.

Fez:
: [to parrot] That means you, too, Feathered Frank! Good day.

Parrot:
But, FEZ!

Fez:
I said, good day!

[Eric invites Stacey to dinner at his house]

Stacey:
At your house? Will your dad be there? 'Cause I'll go if he's there.

Eric:
Okay...what, do you like, you like my dad? [Stacey looks away and to twirls her hair] OH MY GOD, YOU LIKE MY DAD!?

Stacey:
You know if he's seeing anyone?

Eric:
Yeah, my mom! And they bought furniture together, so yeah, I think it's pretty serious.

Eric:
Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.

Kelso:
Yeah we kinda expected that.

Hyde:
Thought you said you had news.

Eric:
Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]

Donna:
Oh my God!

Kelso:
Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!

Eric:
Why?

Kelso:
Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!

Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.

Donna:
Technically I got you. And then you blew it.

Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.

Donna:
Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]

Hyde:
That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.

Donna and Kelso:
How soft is he Hyde?

Hyde:
Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!

Kelso:
Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!

Fez:
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!

Kelso:
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!

Jill:
Why are you friends with him?

Hyde:
I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]

Eric:
Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?

Hyde:
I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!

[Jackie sees Big Rhonda in the Forman basement]

Jackie:
Rhonda? How did you get in?

Big Rhonda:
I used my key.

Jackie:
Michael, why don't I got a key?

Kelso:
Well, it's not because everyone doesn't want you to have one, that's for sure.

Kelso:
I don't want to play Joseph as a carpenter. Oh! How about I play him as a spaceman?

Eric:
Kelso, I don't think Jesus was the son of a spaceman.

Kelso:
Really? Well, where do you think God lives?

Leo:
It's true, man. [Points upward]

[Kitty and Red are sleeping and wake up upon hearing "We wish you a Merry Christmas"]

Red:
What the hell?

Kitty:
Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]

Red:
Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!

Bob:
Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!

Red:
Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!

Bob:
What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!

Red:
Bob, are you drunk?!

Bob:
I'm not sober!

[Eric and Red both grab the last waffle]

Eric:
Hey...leggo my Eggo.

Red:
Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!

[Eric drops the waffle]

[Jackie and Donna are not too pleased about Penny attracting much of the boys' attention]

Jackie:
Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.

Donna:
I know. I mean, we don't go to her town and try and out-whore her. Well, she can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.

Jackie:
Right. But we're not gonna let them do that, are we?

Donna:
Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

[Eric has scheduled a date with Penny at the basement]

Eric:
Good evening, milady. 11 o'clock on the nose.

Penny:
Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]

Kitty:
Penny, there's no rat...

Penny:
[jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!

Eric:
No, I was...

Red:
Eric, step away from your cousin.

Eric:
No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

Penny:
I'm not adopted.

Eric:
Wh-What? What? She's lying!

Kitty:
Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?

Eric:
I'm... sleepwalking?

Red:
And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.

Penny:
Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

Eric:
A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.

Penny:
Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

Eric:
Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red:
No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Eric:
No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.

Kitty:
Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

Rhonda:
[hugs Fez] Oh, my God, Fez! A tornado? This changes everything. This could be our last night here on Earth!

Fez:
Oh, no! I'm going to die a virgin!

Rhonda:
Not if I can do something about it!

Fez:
You can do what you want. There's a tornado coming!

[Red, Kitty, Bob and Joanne are playing Monopoly in the Formans' basement when the tornado is called off. Red folds up the Monopoly board.]

Red:
Call it a tie!

Bob:
A tie? We had all the money!

Red:
We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.

[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]

Jackie:
[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.

Hyde:
Big day at the office?

Kelso:
Yeah, I worked a double shift.

[Jackie visits Kelso at a beach-theme photoshoot, where the photographer directs him]

Photographer:
Great, OK, the ball's your best friend, give it a big smile. Great. Now you're mad at the ball. Oh, I hate you bad, ball. Great.

Kelso:
[sees Jackie] Oh, didn't expect to see you here.

Jackie:
Well, I didn't expect to come. But, I did a lot of thinking and I...

Kelso:
No, wh-what is it now. You want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army, and go off and fight wars?

Jackie:
I came here to talk to you about your modeling and...

Kelso:
Yeah, Jackie, I don't have time for it right now. It just isn't important. Sound familiar. Alright then, you should go now.

Jackie:
B-But.

Photographer:
OK. Hey, let's build a sandcastle. Oh, and get your favorite thing in the whole world. Hey, some jerk just kicked it over, boo-hoo-hoo. Great.

Jackie:
Todd, what are you doing here?

Todd:
I saw you fighting with Michael. I thought there might be a problem. Even though I really hope there's not a problem. Is there a problem?

Jackie:
Yeah, I think so.

Todd:
Well, you know what would make you feel better? Coming to see a movie with me.

Jackie:
You know what? Yeah. Yeah, let's go.

[Red sees Leo at the door of the Forman house. Knowing that Leo likes Kitty, he is not pleased to see him]

Red:
Listen, hophead! I love that woman with a FIERY PASSION...that consumes my soul! That's right. So you can either walk out of here on your own, or you can hop out of here with my foot in your ass!

Eric:
[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!

Donna:
No way!

Eric:
Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?

Fez:
My lips are sealed.

Eric:
Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.

Hyde:
You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!

Eric:
Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.

Donna, Fez and Hyde:
Your secret's safe with me.

[Flashback to 1968]

Young Eric:
Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Young Hyde:
Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Young Eric:
Okay, Steven.

Young Hyde:
And it's Hyde.

Young Eric:
Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?

Young Hyde:
That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.

[Eric hands it to him, then Kitty and Red come out from the house.]

Kitty:
Well, now, who do we have here?

Young Eric:
This is Hyde.

Kitty:
Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!

Young Hyde:
I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Red:
Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!

Kitty:
Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]

Red:
I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]

Young Hyde:
If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]

[Returns to the present]

Hyde:
Now I have to kill you.

[Donna starts changing her blouse when Kelso suddenly comes in]

Kelso:
Oops, sorry!

Donna:
[covers self in time] Kelso! Kelso, we just talked about this today!

Kelso:
Damn, Donna. If you'd just let me see them, I'd stop!

Donna:
[grunts] Fine. [flashes Kelso]

Kelso:
They're beautiful...[collapses]

[Red is doused with oatmeal because of a botched prank on Kelso]

Eric:
Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!

Red:
Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!

[Red serves Kitty's lasagna to Eric, Hyde, Kelso, and Fez]

Red:
[enters dining room] Ah good, all the half-wits are here. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to get you. You won't know where, and you won't know when. But it will hurt. And you will cry. And I will laugh. And...did I mention it will hurt? Very good.

[Red summons Eric over the 'Vette]

Eric:
Um, you wanted to see me?

Red:
Did you take my car out last night?

Eric:
No.

Red:
I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.

Eric:
A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.

Red:
Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.

Eric:
I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?

Red:
Start her up.

Eric:
Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.

Red:
For a month! Why did you do it?

Eric:
To impress this cheerleader.

Red:
No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?

Eric:
Well, can I have the car again?

Red:
Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.

Hyde:
[calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.

Eric:
You know what? Let's just call it a month.

Jackie:
Michael...

Kelso:
[groggy] Jackie? Am I dreaming?

Jackie:
Yes, you are.

Kelso:
Are we gonna do it?

Jackie:
Yes, we are.

Kelso:
Cool. Where's Donna?

Jackie:
WHAT?! [attacks Kelso]

[Kelso is going through Red's tools to find a saw to cut down a street sign the gang wants to give to Hyde for his birthday]

Kelso:
[As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.

Red:
[After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!

Kelso:
Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]

Red:
[Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!

Kelso:
Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

[Fez has just fantasized a musical performance of the whole gang singing 'Sing a Song']

Fez:
So what do you think?

Leo:
I think whatever you're on I'll take two of em!

[Fez is having another fantasy where he is part of the Forman family]

Kitty:
Okay kids it's nighty night time.

Eric Night mom.

Hyde:
Night mom!

Fez:
That's my mama!

Eric:
I love you Fez.

Hyde:
I love you more!

Red:
I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Kitty:
Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!

All three boys:
Awwwww!

[Jackie's bedroom. Kelso comes in.]

Kelso:
Guess what. I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

Jackie:
Behind the gym?

Kelso:
And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway… Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you Tater Tots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

Jackie:
That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Kelso:
Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Jackie:
Michael, what are you saying?

Kelso:
I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad! And… And… I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

Jackie:
Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

Kelso:
No. [He leaves.]

Jackie:
Wait, but Michael!

Bob:
And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.

Kitty:
She said no?

Eric:
Can you do that?

Red:
No.

Bob:
I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.

Eric:
Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty:
[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob:
The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric:
There is?

Red:
No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

[Red and Kitty talk to Eric after he turns down Donna's bid for a second chance.]

Red:
Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric:
I said No.

Red:
You said No!

Kitty:
... Dumbass!

Eric:
Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty:
[agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric:
Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red:
So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty:
Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.