Small Soldiers

Archer:
Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it's not there.

Archer:
What's your name?

Alan:
Alan. Now shut up!

Archer:
Greetings, Alan now shut up.

Gwendy Doll:
All my makeup is cruelty free!

Major Chip Hazard:
You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

Major Chip Hazard:
I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning.

Chip Hazard:
His battery is dead but his memory lives on.

Major Chip Hazard:
It's a small world after all.

Irwin Wayfair:
You put munitions chips into toys?

Chip Hazard:
We are the Commando Elite. Everything else is just a toy!

Gwendy Doll:
If you can't accessorize, pulverize!

Major Chip Hazard:
We're not toys, we're action figures!

Ralph, Clean Room Technician:
The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair:
EMP?

Ralph, Clean Room Technician:
Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.

Gwendy Doll:
I think I over-plucked my eyebrows!

Major Chip Hazard:
A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Chip Hazard:
His battery has run out but his memory will keep going, and going, and going.

Chip Hazard:
You are the best of the best of the few and the proud, so ask not what your country can do for you. Only regret that you have but one life to live! Search out the Gorgonites and crush them all!

Phil Fimple:
I think World War II was my favorite war.

Archer:
Greetings. I am Archer, emissary or the Gorgonites.

Alan:
Awfully polite for a monster.

Archer:
Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...

Alan:
"Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave!

Major Chip Hazard:
Beware. There are 11 Gorganites

Phil Fimple:
11 Gorganites? What does he mean there are 11 Gorganites? There's only 7 of them

Irwin Wayfair:
There's 11 Gorganites. There's 7 Gorganites and 4 humans.

Gil Mars:
Y'know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials that show us 4x4 trucks popping up to the top of Mt. Rushmore and parking on top of Abraham Lincoln's head, okay? I'm sick of shampoo commercials that try to convince women that they can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys could actually talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass? I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back. Toys, in short, gentlemen, that actually do what they do in the commercials.

Irwin Wayfair:
Well... that's an interesting idea.

Gil Mars:
Forget about this "batteries not included" crap. We're gonna stick in a lifetime Globotech lithium cell, keep these things running forever! That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.

Larry Benson:
Yeah! [chuckles] Hey, how's this for a slogan? "The Commando Elite - anything else is just a toy."

Gil Mars:
"Everything else is just a toy."

Larry Benson:
Th-That's good too! Sure.

Irwin Wayfair:
Uh, sir? Uh, you know, that kind of, uh, computing power doesn't really seem feasible right now, and--

Larry Benson:
Irwin, Irwin. We're members of the GloboTech family. Surely, we can hunt down that technology.

Gil Mars:
We can make missiles that can hunt down one unlucky bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a nuclear warhead right up his ass. I don't think we're gonna have a problem with this.

Ms. Kegel:
[after being told the product will be ready in three months] Alright, then. Now, these are your security cards. These will give you unlimited access to all top-secret GloboTechnology. And these are your individual secret passwords. Please take a moments memorize them now.

Irwin Wayfair:
[sees his password and chuckles] Mine's Gizmo.

Ms. Kegel:
[snatches Irwin's password; annoyed] I said "secret".

Archer:
Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites. What is your name?

Alan:
I'm Alan, now shut up. I gotta do my homework.

Archer:
Greetings Alan-Now-Shut-Up.

[Alan does a double take at Archer's remark]

Nick Nitro:
Falling in, sir. [falls to the ground, and the Commando Elite walk towards Nick Nitro]

Brick Bazooka:
Outta the way.

Nick Nitro:
[weakly] It's...only a flesh wound, sir.

Chip Hazard:
Rest easy. You've done your job.

Nick Nitro:
Did we win?

Chip Hazard:
[solemnly] We will. [sniffles] Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory will keep going. His death will be avenged! [Brick Bazooka sniffles and cries] Commandos, secure the perimeter, tap all communications, let's roll armor, we got us our war to win. If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethile!

Commando Elite:
Sir, yes, sir!

Archer:
Alan, friend of Archer, defender of Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta.

Alan:
"Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there, you're headed for the microwave.

Archer:
Beware: There will be no mercy.

Alan:
[incensed] Are you threatening me?

Archer:
The Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.

[scene switches to Stuart Abernathy's toy store where Chip Hazard stands in front of a US Flag made from puzzle pieces.]

Chip Hazard:
Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give us death. Eternal vigilance is the price of duty and, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what our country can do, only regret that we have but one life to live. The war against the Gorgonites will be won.

Slamfist:
[activates and notices] Uh-oh.

Chip Hazard:
Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites, and frag 'em all!

Ralph Quist:
The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system that it's plugged into, like a smart drug for machines. Then imagine it can learn.

Irwin Wayfair:
[nervously] Wh-What are you talking about, artificial intelligence?

Ralph Quist:
No. Actual intelligence. It's no wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One little flaw, and they scrap the whole project.

Irwin Wayfair:
Ah-ha. So, there is a flaw in the chips.

Ralph Quist:
Well... they're a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair:
EMP? Electromagnetic pulse?

Ralph Quist:
Yeah, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive. They said adequate shielding wasn't cost-effective. [scoffs] Did the Medicis ever tell Michelangelo "Sorry, Mike, but marble's not really cost-effective. Here's a bag of cement."? I think not! [sneezes]

Irwin Wayfair:
Gesundheit.

Ralph Quist:
Thank you.

Larry Benson:
Look, there really shouldn't be any problem, right? Just because the chips can learn.

Ralph Quist:
Am I not being clear? They learn within the boundaries of their primary programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it from within. So if you've got a problem, it's in your software.

[Fimple residence. Chip Hazard stumbles upon a bunch of Gwendy Dolls, causing the Commando Elite to see them]

Brick Bazooka:
Bombshells, sir.

Kip Killigan:
Fully posable. [he and Brick Bazooka laugh]

Brick Bazooka:
Hello, dolly.

[wolf whistle]

Butch Meathook:
Mmm-mmm. Sweet stuff. Hubba, hubba.

Link Static:
R&R, sir?

Brick Bazooka:
Request a three day pass, sir.

Chip Hazard:
Denied! [Brick Bazooka groans] Fellow soldiers, this is a new army. Those are reinforcements. Bring me the head of Nick Nitro, move. [Nick Nitro's body is brought to him] Soldier, your memory will live on. [pulls Nick Nitro's head off and begins cannibalizing it, to the Commando Elite discomforting]

Butch Meathook:
Damn!

Link Static:
Ooh! Criminy.

Butch Meathook:
I think I'm gonna hurl.

Chip Hazard:
[reaching Nick Nitro's microprocessor chip] A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

[In a scene akin to Frankenstein, the chip is used to electrify and animate the Gwendy Dolls]

Brick Bazooka:
[laughing] It's alive! It's alive!

Gwendy Doll:
[walks to Chip Hazard] Hi there! Cannon Fodder Gwendy reporting for duty, sir! [salutes]

Chip Hazard:
[salutes] Carry on, soldier.

Larry Benson:
Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Stuart Abernathy:
I'll check, but I don't think I have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple:
"Nuclear warhead"? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson:
It's the chips; They're not shielded against an electromagnetic pulse. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair:
That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy:
Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair:
[pointing at Larry] Oh, that would be "Gizmo" over here.

[the Commando Elite begin playing The Spice Girls' Wannabe]

Alan Abernathy:
What are they doing?

Irene Abernathy:
Psychological warfare.

Christy Fimple:
The Marines did this against Noriega.

Marion Fimple:
Phil! Phil!

Phil Fimple:
What?

Marion Fimple:
I love this song!

Irwin Wayfair:
We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson:
How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.

Irwin Wayfair:
What's "Oh?"

Larry Benson:
What?

Irwin Wayfair:
You just said "Oh."

Larry Benson:
No, l said "Oh."

Irwin Wayfair:
Err, "Oh" like "That's interesting", or "Oh" like "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson:
No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh. Look, forget the "Oh." I'll go to Legal to start on the countersuit. Alright?

Irwin Wayfair:
The chips. That's the "Oh"!

Larry Benson:
Oh.

Irwin Wayfair:
Yeah. These micro-processing chips, what do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson:
They, you know, micro-process. And they come from the land of "I Saved Your Job." Come on.

Irwin Wayfair:
[looks up the chips on his computer] They were designed for the Department of Defense. [shocked] You put munitions chips in toys?!

Larry Benson:
Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair:
I don't know. I think it's kinda sad. I mean, you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.

Larry Benson:
Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

Irwin Wayfair:
Yeah, well, the real world sucks.