Odd Couple

Murray:
A suicide telegram? Who sends a suicide telegram?

Oscar Madison:
Felix, the nut, that's who! Can you imagine getting a thing like that? She even had to tip the kid a quarter.

Murray:
A whole bottle of pills! My God, get an ambulance!

Oscar Madison:
Wait a minute, will ya? We don't even know what kind!

Murray:
What difference does it make? He took a whole bottle!

Oscar Madison:
Well, maybe they were vitamins! He could be the healthiest one in the room!

Oscar Madison:
Don't point that finger at me unless you intend to use it.

Oscar Madison:
I'm in for a quarter.

Murray:
Aren't you going to look at your cards first?

Oscar Madison:
What for? I'm gonna bluff anyway. Who gets a Pepsi?

Murray:
I get a Pepsi.

Oscar Madison:
My friend Murray the policeman gets a warm Pepsi.

Roy:
You still didn't fix the refrigerator. It's been two weeks now - no wonder it stinks in here.

Oscar Madison:
Temper, temper. If I wanted nagging, I'd go back with my wife. I'm out. Who wants food?

Murray:
What do you got?

Oscar Madison:
I got, uh, brown sandwiches and, uh, green sandwiches. Which one do you want?

Murray:
What's the green?

Oscar Madison:
It's either very new cheese or very old meat.

Murray:
I'll take the brown.

Roy:
Are you crazy? You're not going to eat that, are you?

Murray:
I'm hungry!

Roy:
His refrigerator has been out of order for two weeks now. I saw milk standing in there that wasn't even in the bottle!

Oscar Madison:
What are you, some kind of health nut? Eat, Murray, eat!

Oscar Madison:
I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.

Roy:
They can do it, you know.

Oscar Madison:
Do what?

Roy:
Throw you in jail.

Oscar Madison:
Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy.

Murray the Cop:
Aren't you worried about the kids?

Oscar Madison:
Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards?

Roy:
I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant.

Oscar Madison:
If you're my accountant, how come I need money?

Roy:
If you need money, how come you play poker?

Oscar Madison:
'Cause I need money.

Roy:
But you always lose.

Oscar Madison:
That's why I need the money.

Roy:
Then don't play poker.

Oscar Madison:
Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips.

Oscar Madison:
You see, wise guy? Potato chips!

Murray the Cop:
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Murray the Cop:
What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game!

Murray the Cop:
All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game.

Oscar Madison:
My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them.

Roy:
He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously.

Oscar Madison:
Life goes on even for those of us who are divorced, broke and sloppy.

Oscar Madison:
Don't threaten me with jail, Blanche, because it's not a threat. With my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do.

Oscar Madison:
Murray, lend me twenty dollars or I'll call your wife and tell her you're in Central Park wearing a dress.

Felix Ungar:
I'm a neurotic nut, but you're crazy!

Oscar Madison:
Look at this. You're the only man in the world with clenched hair.

Felix Ungar:
Funny, I haven't thought of women in weeks.

Oscar Madison:
I fail to see the humor.

Oscar Madison:
I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!

Felix Ungar:
In other words, you're throwin' me out.

Oscar Madison:
Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones!

Oscar Madison:
You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.

Oscar Madison:
Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!

Felix Ungar:
Take what back?

Oscar Madison:
"Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?

Sports Writer:
Well, that's the ballgame.

Oscar Madison:
It's not over yet.

Sports Writer:
Bases loaded, Mazeroski up, ninth inning - you expect the Mets to hold a one-run lead?

Oscar Madison:
What's the matter? You've never heard of a triple play?

Oscar Madison:
Getting a clear picture on Channel 2 is not my idea of whoopee.

Murray:
What happened to the apartment?

Oscar Madison:
It's been given the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Oscar Madison:
Don't come to me with your petty problems. You get this one stinkin' night a week. I'm cooped up here with Mary Poppins 24 hours a day.

Roy:
What if he's laying in a gutter somewhere ? Who would know who he is?

Oscar Madison:
He's got 92 credit cards in his wallet. The minute something happens to him, America lights up.

Oscar Madison:
I know him. He's too nervous to kill himself. Wears his seat belt in a drive-in movie.

Murray:
Hey, did you know Felix was once locked in a john overnight? He wrote out his entire will on half a roll of toilet paper. What a nut!

Vinnie:
If you need me, I'll be at the Meridian Motel in Miami Beach.

Oscar Madison:
You'll be the first one I call, Vinnie.

Oscar Madison:
Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.

Oscar Madison:
Where are you going?

Felix Ungar:
To the john.

Oscar Madison:
Alone?

Felix Ungar:
I always go alone. Why?

Oscar Madison:
No reason. You going to be in there long?

Felix Ungar:
As long as it takes.

Murray:
Off-duty arrest. Caught them gambling.

Felix Ungar:
I put order in this house. For the first time in months, you're saving money. You're sleeping on clean sheets. You're eating hot meals for a change and I did it.

Oscar Madison:
Yes, you did. And after we've had your halibut steak and tartar sauce, I get to watch you Saran Wrap the leftovers.

Vinnie:
I thought he looked edgy the last couple of weeks. Don't you think he looked edgy?

Speed:
No, as a matter of fact, I thought you looked edgy.

Speed:
Excuse me, sir, but aren't you the one they call the Cincinnati Kid?

Murray:
You don't like it, get a machine.

Roy:
Geez, it stinks in here.

Oscar Madison:
Can't you keep it warm?

Felix Ungar:
What the hell do you think I am, the Magic Chef? I'm lucky I got it to come out at 8 o'clock.

Murray:
What are you, crazy, letting him go to the john alone?

Roy:
Suppose he tries to kill himself!

Oscar Madison:
How's he gonna kill himself in the john?

Murray:
Whaddaya mean, how? Razor blades, poison, anything that's in there.

Oscar Madison:
Nah, that's the kids' bathroom. The worst he could do in there is brush his teeth to death.

Roy:
He could jump!

Vinnie:
That's right! Isn't there a window in there?

Oscar Madison:
Yeah, but it's only six inches wide.

Murray:
Yeah, well he could break the glass - he could cut his wrists!

Oscar Madison:
He could also flush himself into the East River. I'm telling you he's not going to try anything.

Roy:
Sh! Sh! Listen, listen!

Roy:
He's crying. You hear that, he's crying!

Murray:
Isn't that terrible? For God's sakes, Oscar, do something, say something!

Oscar Madison:
What? What do you say to a man who's crying in your bathroom?

Felix Ungar:
They're here! The dinner guests. I'll go get a saw and cut the meat!

Oscar Madison:
Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.

Oscar Madison:
The hell's so funny?

Felix Ungar:
It's not spaghetti, it's linguini.

Oscar Madison:
Now it's garbage.

Felix Ungar:
I was just repeating what I thought you said.

Oscar Madison:
Well, don't repeat what you THOUGHT I said, repeat what I said! My god, that's irritating!