Albatross

[first lines]

Joa:
Are you alright? I'm taking Posy to an audition, so you're manning the front desk this morning.

Beth:
I'm not, I'm revising.

Joa:
It's writing. You can revise on the desk. You have to give people keys, Beth.

Jonathan:
[caught masturbating] You don't need to clean here.

Emelia:
Are you sure? It's pretty dirty form where I'm standing. Filthy actually.

Jonathan:
It takes years to write a great novel.

Joa:
And it takes you just as long to write a sh*t one!

Beth:
Do you need to call your mom to check?

Emelia:
I would but, she's a bit dead.

Beth:
Oh. Sorry.

Emelia:
It's okay. Not very fair for you to take the blame. She *did* kill herself.

Clerk:
Have you got any ID?

Emelia:
[takes out her compact and looks at herself] Yeah, definitely me.

Clerk:
No. Are you 18?

Emelia:
Yes.

Clerk:
Can you prove it?

Emelia:
[flashes him] There. Are those not the breasts of an 18 year-old?

Clerk:
That'll be 2 pound 99, please.

Emelia:
So, tell me about the cliff house. I want to know everything.

Jonathan:
Mm. There's not much to tell. I came over here to go to Cambridge. Saw a beautiful young actress in a touring play, and whisked her away to the cliff house. Just for the weekend. Really just ignorance at 22. Struck gold. And now it hangs around my neck, drawn to me with its excess.

Emelia:
Yeah... I meant the house. Like the actual building. Is it Victorian?

Joa:
[laughing uncontrollably]

Female Customer:
Uh, excuse me. I am a vegetarian.

Emelia:
That isn't something to boast about.

Emelia:
Good morning, Mrs. Fisher. How's it hanging?

Emelia:
[in college cafeteria] I have never seen so many ugly men in all my life. I mean look at them, they're trying to wear their brains on the outside.

Emelia:
You haven't lived a bloody day since, have you. I mean what else have you achieved in the last 20 years? I've read your other work, and it sure ain't Tolstoy. Unless it's the sequel: "Bore and Cease".

Jonathan:
Why are you being so cruel and childish.

Emelia:
Because I *am* a child. I'm best friends with your daughter, in case you had'nt noticed.

Jonathan:
Emelia, we don't need to do this.

Emelia:
I can't do this to Beth any more. And I hate you for being able to.

[last lines]

Emelia:
Hi. Um, can I get this printed and bound?

Copy Shop Attendant:
Yeah, no problem. Just take a seat.