Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)

Friend:
[in Italian] You got to play with her before you lay her.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian] For how long?

Friend:
[in Italian] Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian] How long with your wife?

Friend:
[in Italian] Thirty seconds.

Fabrizio:
[in Italian, in awe] Lucky!

The Queen:
Kiss me quick!

The Fool:
Yes!... where is your quick?

The Queen:
Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body.

The Fool:
Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.

Victor Shakapopulis:
Doctor, I read a statement you made that, uh, you felt that the average length of a man's penis should be nineteen inches. Doesn't that seem a little long?

Dr. Bernardo:
Long? My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of.

Victor Shakapopulis:
Yes I know, but nineteen inches. I mean that's-...

Dr. Bernardo:
Does it sound mad? That's what they called me at Masters of Johnsons Clinic, mad. Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings. It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat. I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics. It was I who first said that the clitoral orgasm should not be only for women! They ridiculed me, said I was mad, haha! But I showed them. They threw me out of Masters of Johnson, no severance but, and I had it coming. But I showed them!

Victor Shakapopulis:
Are we having dessert?

Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

Victor Shakapopulis:
How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Dr. Bernardo:
Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread. They're getting on famously! Here I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

Victor Shakapopulis:
But why? What good will this do anybody?

Dr. Bernardo:
It'll show those fools who called me mad!

Helen Lacey:
Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous!

Victor Shakapopulis:
Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.

The Girl:
For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance - that affirmative, negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.

The Operator:
I don't know if we're gonna make it or not, doesn't look too good.

The Girl:
I'm a graduate of New York University.

The Operator:
We're gonna make it.