Instant Family

Pete Wagner:
We want to thank the Lord for our first Christmas together. And we want to give thanks for this lovely meal and also this, um, bounty of super fun cardboard boxes. Amen.

All:
Amen.

Pete Wagner:
Okay. Tuck in, everybody.

Lita Wagner:
Where's my potato chips?

Pete Wagner:
We're not having chips tonight, munchkin. Sorry.

Lita Wagner:
I want my chips.

Ellie Wagner:
Lita! Lizzy, Pete and I worked really hard on this dinner. There's lots of yummy food for you to eat.

Lita Wagner:
No!

Ellie Wagner:
Hey, hey, hey. [Lizzy tries to intervene in Spanish] Hey! Lizzy, Lizzy, please! Lizzy, no, okay? I've got this.

Lizzy Wagner:
Why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to help you.

Ellie Wagner:
I'm not yelling at... I'm sor... I am. Just then I was. But it's... Look. Lita, don't do what Lizzy said. What did you say? Cuatro? "Go to your bedroom"?

Pete Wagner:
No, cuatro means "quart." Like quart of milk. She said, "You're not gonna have a potato chip, but you will drink that milk."

Ellie Wagner:
In any case, we have this. It's fine.

Lizzy Wagner:
Okay, fine.

Ellie Wagner:
Okay. Let's try some of this meat loaf, okay?

Lita Wagner:
NO!! I want my chips!

Ellie Wagner:
You're not having chips!

Pete Wagner:
I don't think she's getting on board with the plan, honey.

Lita Wagner:
I don't want this!

Ellie Wagner:
Hey!

Pete Wagner:
You sure you don't wanna just give her some chips?

Ellie Wagner:
No, we're not giving her chips! She's gonna eat... [Lita suddenly lets out a piercing scream in a very loud manner]

Pete Wagner:
What is she doing?

Ellie Wagner:
God! She's taking naked selfies in the bathroom!

Pete Wagner:
She's taking naked selfies of herself?!

Pete Wagner:
[seeing Lita coated in ketchup and holding a SpongeBob SquarePants knife] That wasn't in the classes. I've got nothing for that.

Pete Wagner:
[after beating the adult janitor Jacob] Hey, you ever touch, text, or think about our daughter ever again, and you're a dead man.

Ellie Wagner:
This isn't even a real Barbie. You've got a real Barbie at home that Santa gave you a few weeks ago.