Mind Your Language

Miss Courtney:
[asking Mr. Brown questions from a sheet] Sex?

Jeremy Brown:
Occasionally.

Jeremy Brown:
How about a toast for Ali and Su-Lee?

Giovanni Capello:
No, sorry, we have no toast, only biscuits.

Jeremy Brown:
No, I mean a toast for Ali and Su-Lee.

Giovanni Capello:
We have no toast for them, either!

Jeremy Brown:
Where do you go to cash a check?

Ranjeet Singh:
In Czechoslovakia!

Jeremy Brown:
Now, although most sports are international, there are some sports that are native to different countries. For example, the national sport of France is...

Danielle Favre:
Football!

Jeremy Brown:
Correct! And the national sport for Italy is...

Giovanni Capello:
Girls!

Jeremy Brown:
That's not a sport!

Giovanni Capello:
Maybe not, but it's more popular than football!

Ranjeet Singh:
If at first, you are not succeeding, try try!

Jeremy Brown:
[corrects Ranjeet] Again.

Ranjeet Singh:
If at first, you are...

Police Sergeant:
What is your name?

Juan Cervantes:
Por favor?

Police Sergeant:
How do you spell that?

Jeremy Brown:
That's not his name!

Police Sergeant:
Oh, giving me a fake name, are we?

Juan Cervantes:
Por favor?

Police Sergeant:
I'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favor, or whatever you name is!

Ali Nadim:
Oh dearie me!

Jeremy Brown:
You can say that again!

Ali Nadim:
Oh dearie me!

Miss Courtney:
[points to a book with a pencil] What is this?

Ranjeet Singh:
Pencil!

Miss Courtney:
Can anybody tell me who said "To Be or Not To Be"?

Chung Su-Lee:
Chairman Mao!

Miss Courtney:
This may come as a shock to you, but there are people who've written things besides Chairman Mao.

Chung Su-Lee:
Chairman Mao lite evelything!

Miss Courtney:
Well, he certainly didn't lite... *write* "To Be or Not To Be"!

Jeremy Brown:
Su-Lee, spell "Democracy"

Chung Su-Lee:
C-H-I-N-A.

Jeremy Brown:
And I suppose if I asked you to spell "Dictatorship", you would have spelt "England"?

Chung Su-Lee:
Or "America"!

Ingrid Svenson:
I very much like teacher.

Danielle Favre:
You will not make the eyes on Mr. Brown!

Ingrid Svenson:
If I want to, I will!

Danielle Favre:
Mr. Brown does not care for the blonde ladies!

Ingrid Svenson:
Swedish women are the beautifulest!

Danielle Favre:
[scoffs] The problem with Swedish women is that are they too big in the bosom!

Ingrid Svenson:
The French are too big in the mouth!

[repeated line]

Ali Nadim:
Jolly good!

Jeremy Brown:
[Mr Brown is talking to the class about everyday things they should know how to say and do] Ali, where would you go to get some aspirin?

Ali Nadim:
The Tandoori Takeaway.

Jeremy Brown:
What?

Ali Nadim:
My jolly good friend who works there always has plenty aspirin.

Jeremy Brown:
No, where would you *buy* aspirin?

Ali Nadim:
Why would I be buying aspirin, when I can get it from my jolly good friend for free?

Jeremy Brown:
All right, where would you go if the Tandoori Takeaway was closed?

Ali Nadim:
Oh, blimey! The Taj Mahal Curryhouse

Jamila Ranjha:
White Chemist!

Jeremy Brown:
[Ali leaves his seat and begins to walk out of the classroom] Where are you going?

Ali Nadim:
To buy aspirin.

Jeremy Brown:
I thought you said you didn't have a headache?

Ali Nadim:
Oh blimey! I do now!

[repeated line]

Juan Cervantes:
Por favor

[repeated line]

Taro Nagazumi:
Aso!

Jeremy Brown:
Take Danielle, for instance.

Giovanni Capello:
I would love to take Danielle!

Ali Nadim:
Did you know, it takes two Sikhs to milk a goat? One to be holding the teats, and the other to be moving the goat up and down, up and down!

Ranjeet Singh:
And did you know, that Muslims have no ice? Because the man who is making the ice has left!

Ali Nadim:
Are you saying that all Muslims are stupid?

Ranjeet Singh:
No, just you!

Jeremy Brown:
[calling out roll] Giovanni?

Giovanni Capello:
[stands up] Si, professore!

Jeremy Brown:
No "professore"!

Giovanni Capello:
No "professore"?

Jeremy Brown:
No, from now on, you are to address me as "Sir".

Giovanni Capello:
"Sir"? Now I understand! [bows] You have gone to get "notted"!

Jeremy Brown:
[baffled] Come again?

Giovanni Capello:
Si, you have gone to get "notted" by the Queen!

Ranjeet Singh:
[holding his hands together] A thousand apologies!

Ranjeet Singh:
[describing the girl] She had skin like milk, hair like silk, and a figure like a tender bamboo shoot...

Jeremy Brown:
Well, if she had skin like milk, hair like silk, and a figure like a tender bamboo shoot, what's the problem now?

Ranjeet Singh:
Blimey, that was twenty years ago! Now she has put on so much weight that from behind she is looking like an elephant!

Giovanni Capello:
When are you going to do this killing yourself?

Ranjeet Singh:
Tonight.

Maximillian Papandrious:
Can we come hand watch?

Jeremy Brown:
Look, if you don't kill yourself, I'll get you an elephant!

Ranjeet Singh:
You promise that you will get me an elephant?

Jeremy Brown:
Only if you don't kill yourself!

Ranjeet Singh:
I promise. Killing myself is not going to do any good for me. [Pleased, Mr Brown gives Ranjit his kirpan back]

Ranjeet Singh:
I have a much better idea - I KILL HER! [Alarmed, all the students tackle him]

[the class is going through similes]

Jeremy Brown:
Ali: "As sly as a..."

Ali Nadim:
Sikh! [Ranjit glares at Ali]

Jeremy Brown:
"Fox!" Ranjit: "As mad as a..."

Ranjeet Singh:
Muslim! [the opposite of the above happens]

Jeremy Brown:
"Hatter!"

Ranjeet Singh:
[fixing an escape plan] Maybe I jump out the window...

Giovanni Capello:
You be lucky - we're on the third floor!

Giovanni Capello:
My boss he all the time say he's bugged.

[a dart game goes astray and a dart lands on Ranjeet's turban]

Juan Cervantes:
[sheepish] Por favour, Ranjeet... [removes the dart]

Danielle Favre:
[laughing] It's a good thing you had your turban on, Ranjeet, or it would have gone straight through your head!

Ali Nadim:
Oh, blimey... He wouldn't have felt it!

Ranjeet Singh:
You'll be feeling my FIST in a moment!

[playing Scrabble]

Ranjeet Singh:
Ah, I've got it... "Sugar!"

Taro Nagazumi:
No good-o!

Danielle Favre:
Quel idiot! "Sugar" is not spelled S-H-U-G-A-R!

Ali Nadim:
That is correct! Everyone knows that sugar is spelled with two Gs!

[a train rumbles past Max's apartment]

Jeremy Brown:
What was that?

Maximillian Papandrious:
What was what?

Juan Cervantes:
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Commence la fiesta! Qi es Mister Brown?

Giovanni Cupello:
No fiesta. Mister Brown, he's a-gone. [Juan starts crying and blesses Mr Brown's soul to rest in peace]

Giovanni Cupello:
No, no, no! He's a-not a-dead, he's a-vanish! [Juan cheers up and praises God]

Jeremy Brown:
Taro, Su-Li, what are your plans?

Taro Nagazumi:
[sozzled with sake] Su-Li and me go to bed-o! [Mr Brown stares at the two of them]

Chung Su-Lee:
Not together! I go home to lead rittle led book!

Maximillian Papandrious:
You want I go give him a bunch? [bunches his fist]

Danielle Favre:
He's bigger than you, Max!

Giovanni Capello:
Everybody is a-bigger than Max!

Maximillian Papandrious:
Hokay, you wanta start something?

Giovanni Capello:
Now listen, nanamascuri, you no trouble to me!

Maximillian Papandrious:
Hokay, step houtside!

Ali Nadim:
This month I have been chosen to lead the holy procession at the mosque, so I am practicing.

Ranjeet Singh:
Aaah, waste of time! The Sikh religion is the true religion!

Giovanni Capello:
That's a-not true! Catholic religion is the true religion!

Juan Cervantes:
[gesticulating] S?, S?, Roman Catholic!

Maximillian Papandrious:
What about Greek Orthodox?

Anna Schmidt:
What about Martin Luther?

Taro Nagazumi:
Shinto!

Jamila Ranjha:
Buddha!

Chung Su-Lee:
Chairman Mao decree all religion! [Everybody starts talking]

Jeremy Brown:
Maybe I should just call the whole thing off...

Sid:
You can't! It's a point of honor! You can't just let that guy do what he wants with whoever he wants! No, you've gotta make a stand!

Sid:
Oh, I expect you'll be all right once you've hit him a couple of times...

Jeremy Brown:
It's him hitting ME that worries me!

Miss Courtney:
[pronouncing judgment on Brown and Jarvis] The school has a perfectly good gymnasium. If you two must knock each other about, I suggest you do it there tomorrow night, after class!

Ali Nadim:
Why's a rhinoceros is being like an elephant? Neither of them can ride a bicycle.

Jeremy Brown:
Now carry on Taro but do try to get out of the habit of ending every other word in O.

Taro Nagazumi:
I try.

Jeremy Brown:
Good.

Taro Nagazumi:
Went first to see buffal.

Jeremy Brown:
Buffal?

Taro Nagazumi:
Like a big hoove.

Jeremy Brown:
A buffalo.

Giovanni Cupello:
I'm gonna do for you some impersonations. Okey cokey, here we go. 'Ey, you wanna nice piece a salami? I got a lovely piece for you.

Miss Courtney:
And who's that supposed to be?

Giovanni Cupello:
That's my butcher Antonio.

[the broad-chested Ingrid is looking for a seat]

Juan Cervantes:
Hey, please sit with me! Here, next to me!

Ranjeet Singh:
There is also a seat here beside me!

Taro Nagazumi:
Excuse, please-o!

[Ranjeet wants to talk about his cousin]

Jeremy Brown:
Tell us about your cousin, Ranjeet...

Ranjeet Singh:
He is being discharged this week.

Jeremy Brown:
Discharged? Was he in hospital?

Ranjeet Singh:
No, prison! And he was sent there for something he didn't do!

Jeremy Brown:
Really? What was it he didn't do?

Ranjeet Singh:
He was not fast enough!

Jeremy Brown:
Brilliant! Out of ten students, I have nine failures!

Chung Su-Lee:
[running in] Velly solly I am rate...

Ali Nadim:
[to Mr Brown] Congratulations! You are getting 10/10!

Giovanni Cupello:
[trying to make friends with Zoltan] I talk to him...

Ali Nadim:
Oh, blimey! He speaks Hungryarian!

Giovanni Cupello:
Sure I speak Hungryarian!

Jeremy Brown:
You all have to do much better this year! It's time you pulled your socks up!

Juan Cervantes:
Soright! [stands up and pulls his socks]

[Anna tells the tale of a romantic encounter]

Anna Schmidt:
He took me home and placed me on the bed, and then he was stroking my end...

Jeremy Brown:
Which end?

Anna Schmidt:
[holding up her hand] This end.

Jeremy Brown:
Oh, your HAND, oh yes, go on...

Anna Schmidt:
I was feeling very romantisch. Then, I did something I have regretted ever since...

Jeremy Brown:
What did you do?

Anna Schmidt:
I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone!

Chung Su-Lee:
Velly solly we ale rate!

Ali Nadim:
Yes, please. We were late because of mist.

Miss Courtney:
Mist?

Jeremy Brown:
[looking outside] It's a perfectly clear night. How could you be late because of mist?

Ali Nadim:
We mist the bus!

Ali Nadim:
If the first wife is agreeable, the husband can take one more.

Jeremy Brown:
You can't do that!

Ali Nadim:
Why not?

Jeremy Brown:
It's bigamy!

Ali Nadim:
No, it's big of ME!

Jeremy Brown:
You mean to say your wife AGREED to let you take another wife?

Ali Nadim:
No, no. It is for the baby.

Jeremy Brown:
Baby?

Ali Nadim:
Yes, please. We have been trying for four years, and nothing is happening. So I am taking anther wife for the baby.

Chung Su-Lee:
I cannot mally Ari.

Ranjeet Singh:
[blessing Mr Brown] May you receive a long life and wonderful blessings...

Jeremy Brown:
[looking at Danielle's gift] It's "eau de toilette," toilet water. You put it on your head.

Ali Nadim:
Oh Blimey! You are taking water from the toilet and putting it on your head?

Ranjeet Singh:
If we make the new teacher go away, maybe Mr Brown will be coming back.

Maximillian Papandrious:
How we make new teacher go?

Ranjeet Singh:
Very easy! [He pulls out his kirpan and jerks it in a quite literal cutthroat manner]

Giovanni Capello:
That's a-no good! We a-get blood all over a-the class!

Maximillian Papandrious:
Much better we push er hout of the window!

[a strike is planned by the class]

Ranjeet Singh:
What is this strike? Does it mean we are going to be fighting?

Giovanni Capello:
No, a fight like in the onions.

Anna Schmidt:
[bewildered] What onions?

Giovanni Capello:
The trade onions!

Giovanni Capello:
We win, we win! Mr Brown, he's a-coming back!

Jeremy Brown:
[puts cow bell around Miss Courtney] In India, you'd be sacred!

Jeremy Brown:
To coin a phrase, I've been given the bullet.

Giovanni Capello:
Santa Maria! She try to shoot you?

Giovanni Capello:
[about Miss Courtney summoning Mr. Brown] Hey, maybe she's a-gonna get you a birthday present!

Jeremy Brown:
Yes, and maybe the Pope's getting married!

Giovanni Capello:
[shocked] He is? I didn't know that!

Ali Nadim:
Excuse me please, I am thinking that your strike is not going to be working. What we need to be doing is to be revolting!

Ranjeet Singh:
And I think that you are already revolting!

Jeremy Brown:
Giovanni, give a sentence using the word "deliver."

Giovanni Cupello:
Sure, professori. "Too much a-vino is a-no good for deliver."

Jeremy Brown:
Are you serious?

Giovanni Cupello:
Sure, I read it in a newspaper!

[For the road trip, Juan, Ranjeet and Max bring cans]

Jeremy Brown:
What's all this?

Maximillian Papandrious:
Hit's beer!

Ranjeet Singh:
We are not driving, so we can be drinking!

Jeremy Brown:
Sid, your petrol gauge reads empty...

Sid:
Well, it's broken. It always reads empty.

[playing "I Spy"]

Ranjeet Singh:
I am spying with my little eye, something beginning with "N!"

Maximillian Papandrious:
"Nail"?

Ranjeet Singh:
No!

Anna Schmidt:
"Nose"?

Ranjeet Singh:
No!

Taro Nagazumi:
[looking in a tree] "Nest"-o!

Ranjeet Singh:
No!

Giovanni Cupello:
[staring at Danielle] "Neck!"

Ranjeet Singh:
No!

Ali Nadim:
[pointing to Jamilla's knitting] "Knitting!"

Ranjeet Singh:
You are being stupid! Knitting does not begin with an "N"!

Anna Schmidt:
Well done, Ranjeet! Now that everyone's given up, please tell us what it was you saw!

Ranjeet Singh:
"Engine!" [He gets criticised by the rest, much to his chagrin]

Ali Nadim:
You damn fool! You are being more stupid than I am!

Ranjeet Singh:
Don't you call me stupid, you Pakistani poppadum!

Jeremy Brown:
At this rate it's going to take us a week to get through the alphabet...

Jeremy Brown:
Ali, give a word starting with "I..."

Ali Nadim:
[pointing at Ranjit] "Infidel!" [Mr Brown calls for calm]

Jeremy Brown:
Ranjit, "J..."

Ranjeet Singh:
[pointing at Ali] "Jackass!"

Giovanni Capello:
[Giovanni was left in charge of the class until Mr Brown's return]

Giovanni Capello:
[harried] Ah, professori, I don't know how you put up with all these foreigners!

Jeremy Brown:
Ali, give a word starting with "Q..."

Ali Nadim:
"Queue."

Jeremy Brown:
Yes, "Q..."

Ali Nadim:
"Queue..."

Jeremy Brown:
Go, on Ali...

Ali Nadim:
"Queue!"

Jeremy Brown:
Ali, just go ahead and say a word starting with "Q!"

Ali Nadim:
I mean bus stop queue!

Jeremy Brown:
Oh, a QUEUE, oh yes, very good, Ali...

Jeremy Brown:
Ranjit, give a word starting with "S..."

Ranjeet Singh:
"Eskimo!"

Jeremy Brown:
"Eskimo" begins with an E!

Ranjeet Singh:
A thousand apologies!

Jeremy Brown:
Think of a word that describes you...

Ali Nadim:
"Stupid!"

Ranjeet Singh:
Don't you call me stupid, you half-eaten Pakistani poppadum!

Jeremy Brown:
Juan, explain what is wrong with the following sentence: "The cows was in the field"

Juan Cervantes:
The cows... was NOT in the field.

Jeremy Brown:
No, Juan, the correct sentence is "The cows were in the field"!

Juan Cervantes:
I didn't see them!

Danielle Favre:
[about the men in her life] They only want me for my body, all of them! They just want to get me into bed!

Jeremy Brown:
Well, I suppose you should sort it out with them...

Danielle Favre:
Oh no! I like it!

[Ali runs into the classroom, being chased by a rabid Ranjeet]

Ali Nadim:
Oh, blimey! That infidel has gone oranges!

Jeremy Brown:
You mean bananas!

Ali Nadim:
Yes please!

Jock:
Aww no, I'm not gonnae listen to Charlie Chapatti over there claiming he's mah equal.

Ranjeet Singh:
[drawing his kirpan] WHAT DID HE SAY?

Jeremy Brown:
Nothing, Ranjeet...

Ali Nadim:
[laughing] On blimey, he's called you a jolly chapatti!

Jock:
That goes for you an' all Takeaway Tommy.

Ali Nadim:
I give you bunch of fingers!

Ali Nadim:
[charges]

[the whole of the class gangs up on Jock]

Jock:
Okay, who's first? [takes off his jacket and gets ready to scrap]

Taro Nagazumi:
Excuse, please-o!

Jeremy Brown:
Yes, Taro?

Taro Nagazumi:
Not polite-o, to insult lady-o. Please apologize-o.

Jock:
Get knotted!

Taro Nagazumi:
[angry] Put up your fists-o!

Jock:
OK, hara-kiri, if it's a fight ya want, ya'll get one, ya ready? [screams]

Jeremy Brown:
For example repeat after me; the fat black cat sat on the mat.

Jock:
The fa' black cat satnamat.

[greeting Mr Brown]

Ranjeet Singh:
Good night, Mr Brown!

[Su Li prepares an acupuncture needle to cure Mr Brown]

Ranjeet Singh:
Oh, blimey!

Jeremy Brown:
What?

Ranjeet Singh:
Nothing nothing nothing!

Taro Nagazumi:
[grinning, soused with sake] Geisha girl give you much warmth...

Giovanni Capello:
[listening to the radio] Hey, everybody! It's the Conga!

[bidding farewell to Mr Brown]

Ali Nadim:
Good evening...

Miss Courtney:
Can anybody tell me what "B.C." stands for?

Maximillian Papandrious:
Before Christmas!

Jeremy Brown:
In future you will be given extra homework and I hope that I see some improvement. Some of you are just simply not trying; for example, Max, the opposite of Anti-Meridian is not Uncle-Meridian but Post-Meridian.

Maximillian Papandrious:
h'OK [Giovanni laughs behind hand]

Jeremy Brown:
I don't know what you're laughing about Giovanni, your answer to the question 'write a sentence using 'a metaphor' was unbelievable.

Giovanni Capello:
[surprised] But I did write a sentence using a metaphor!

Jeremy Brown:
Oh yes, last night I phoned my girlfriend and a metaphor a drink.

Juan Cervantes:
[stricken with indigestion] My stomach, she is downside up!

Jeremy Brown:
Danielle, give me three plays by Shakespeare...

Danielle Favre:
"Romeo and Juliet." "As You Like It."

Jeremy Brown:
One more...

Danielle Favre:
I don't know any more.

Jeremy Brown:
What, not one?

Danielle Favre:
Non...

Jeremy Brown:
I'll give you a clue: "King..."

Danielle Favre:
"Kong!" [Juan pounds his chest with approval]

Miss Courtney:
[about Mr Brown] How could he break his leg by missing just one step?

Juan Cervantes:
[pointing to a long flight of stairs] Step he miss, top step...

Juan Cervantes:
Mr Brown is dead? [breaks down crying]

[Juan pays a visit to Mr Brown in the hospital]

Juan Cervantes:
Hey, Buenos Dias!

Jeremy Brown:
Go away.

Sid:
Please welcome Miss Greece! [Max enters in a flowing Greek robe, with a long hemline that makes him look a bit effeminate]

Maximillian Papandrious:
[glaring at Sid] Hokay...

Sid:
Ohhhh, oh I'm so sorry, MISTER Greece!

Jeremy Brown:
What's it like wearing that, Max?

Maximillian Papandrious:
Hit's a bit cold, boss!

[Giovanni pops up in a pinstripe suit, fedora, guitarcase and cigar]

Jeremy Brown:
Are you representing Italy, or the Mafia?

Jeremy Brown:
[in a "Don Corleone" voice] I represent Sicily!

Sid:
Let me introduce the lovely Mister Spain! [Juan enters wearing a matador's outfit]

Juan Cervantes:
Ol?!

[Miss Courtney wants a student from Mr Brown's class to present a bouquet to Her Majesty]

Miss Courtney:
Hi want to do that! Please let me do that!

Miss Courtney:
It is customary for the bouquet to be presented by a LADY...

Giovanni Cupello:
With a-that skirt, who's a-gonna know the difference?

Maximillian Papandrious:
Hokay, step houtside!

Giovanni Cupello:
[about Harold the Conqueror] Maybe he was a-killed by Robin the Hood! [makes rat-tat noises]

Jeremy Brown:
Robin the Hood... ROBIN HOOD hadn't been born yet; he appeared in the Middle Ages!

Ranjeet Singh:
How can he be in middle age if he has not yet been born?

Ranjeet Singh:
Do you like flowers?

Giovanni Cupello:
Scusi?

Ranjeet Singh:
I am asking, do you like flowers?

Giovanni Cupello:
Sure I like a-flowers!

Ranjeet Singh:
Good. I'll be sending some to your funeral!

Giovanni Cupello:
I got it! We get the professori drunk, and then we make him a-marry Anna so that she doesn't go back to Germany!

Danielle Favre:
Anna will never agree to that.

Giovanni Cupello:
Sure she will!

Danielle Favre:
How do you know?

Giovanni Cupello:
We get her drunk as well!

Giovanni Cupello:
[to a hungover Mr Brown] You no remember dancing on the table?

Ranjeet Singh:
Excuse me please, may I borrow 10p?

Ali Nadim:
Yes, okay!

Ranjeet Singh:
Thousand thank yous!

Ali Nadim:
However, I am making one condition.

Ranjeet Singh:
What's that?

Ali Nadim:
You must say, "All Muslims are nice, kind and most wonderful persons"!

Ranjeet Singh:
If I say that, will you lend me 10p?

Ali Nadim:
If you are saying that, I will GIVE you 10p!

Ranjeet Singh:
Very well! All Muslims are nice, kind and most wonderful persons!

Ali Nadim:
[gives Ranjeet 10p] Jolly good!

Ranjeet Singh:
There is just one thing.

Ali Nadim:
What's that?

Ranjeet Singh:
All Sikhs are VERY BIG LIARS!

Jeremy Brown:
Well my students will be hard at it now.

Sid:
Yeah, there is a lot of it about.

Jeremy Brown:
I was talking about the exam.

Miss Courtney:
You reek of drink.

Sid:
Beg your pardon?

Miss Courtney:
Drink.

Sid:
If you insist.

Jeremy Brown:
I am Brown...

Ali Nadim:
[points at himslf and Jamilla] No, we are brown. You are white!

Jeremy Brown:
No, my name is Brown, I am your teacher.

Giovanni Capello:
Ah! Tu professori!

Miss Courtney:
I distinctedly requested for the local authority to send a woman teacher, especially in view of what happened to Mr. Warburton.

Jeremy Brown:
Mr. Warburton?

Miss Courtney:
Yes, he was teaching English language for Foreign students last term. I'm afraid he only lasted a month. Then, he departed.

Jeremy Brown:
Dead?

Miss Courtney:
Demented! Yes, the strain was too much for him. Typical of the male sex, no stamina! Always seem to be able to cope at first and then he just snapped! It was really quite disgusting!

Jeremy Brown:
Really? What did he do?

Miss Courtney:
Climbed out of the classroom window, on to the roof, took off all his clothes and stood there stark naked singing "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts!"

Jeremy Brown:
How distressing. Well, there's no need to worry on my account. I mean, I'm not about to climb out of the classroom window!

Miss Courtney:
I know you aren't.

Jeremy Brown:
Oh? Thank you for your confidence!

Miss Courtney:
It has nothing to do with confidence. We've had the window frames nailed down!

[the class has donated clothes for charity]

Miss Courtney:
[holding a red bra] Danielle?

Jeremy Brown:
No, Max!

Miss Courtney:
The Greeks do have unusual tastes in garments...

Jeremy Brown:
No, he says he found it under his bed. He has no recollection of how it got there...

[Juan and Danielle open a kissing booth]

Juan Cervantes:
For ?5, you get a kiss on one cheek. [He kisses Danielle as said]

Juan Cervantes:
For ?10, you get a kiss on both cheeks. [He kisses Danielle as said]

Juan Cervantes:
And for ?15... [He nearly swallows Danielle's mouth in a breath-taking manoeuvre]

Giovanni Cupello:
I buy one of them ?15 kisses!

Juan Cervantes:
I no kiss you!

Giovanni Cupello:
Not you, Danielle, you silly Spanish omelette!

Mr Brown :
Ali Nadim

Ali Nadim :
GIFT

Mr Brown :
Gift?

Ali Nadim :
I am surprising you no?Everyday I am learning new English words and I am finding out that gift is another word for present

Mr Brown :
Yes, very ingenious

Jeremy Brown (English teacher):
How did you spend your weekend?

Taro Nagazumi (Japanese student):
I go to Parace.

Jeremy Brown:
Oh, Paris.

Taro Nagazumi:
Yes.

Jeremy Brown:
France?

Taro Nagazumi:
No Flance, Englando.

Jeremy Brown:
Taro.

Taro Nagazumi:
Yes, teacher?

Jeremy Brown:
Paris is in France.

Taro Nagazumi:
No, to Buckingham Parace.

=====

Jeremy Brown:
I follow you.

Taro Nagazumi:
You forrow me?

Jeremy Brown:
Yeah.

Taro Nagazumi:
I didn't see you there.

- Real life dialogue, Mind Your Language, Season 1 Episode 8

Maybe it's better if I get it off my breast. - Anna Schmidt (British German student), Mind Your Language, Season 1 Episode 8

One day the priest give a big sermon in the church. All about women, girls, and the pleasures of the flesh. And the mor eI he spoke, the more I realize what I would be missing. - Giovanni Capello (Italian British student), on why he didn't become a priest, Mind Your Language, Season 1 Episode 8