Mr. & Mrs. Smith

[first session with a marriage counselor]

John:
Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane:
Six.

John:
[chastened] Five or six years.

[at the counselor's office]

Counselor:
How often do you have sex?

Jane:
I don't understand the question.

John:
Yeah I'm lost, is this a one to ten thing?

Jane:
Yeah, is, like, ten nothing or one? 'Cause tech- technically speaking, zero would be nothing.

[after a long pause]

Counselor:
How 'bout this week?

[another long pause]

John:
Including the weekends?

Jane:
There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we don't say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor:
Marriage.

[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane:
If you don't like them we can take them back.

John:
All right, I don't like them.

Jane:
[pause] You'll get used to them.

John:
Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane:
Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.

Jane:
Promise me to leave the town or I will blow it.

John:
Ok... I give up. Please blow it.

Jane:
Excuse me. What?

John:
Go on. Blow it.

Jane:
You think I won't?

John:
I think you won't.

Jane:
OK. Five. Four. Any last words?

John:
Your new curtains are hideous.

Jane:
Goodbye John. [Janet hit's the PC keyboard and the bomb detonates. The monitor screen blacks out.] What the hell is this?

Janet:
You said Goodbye.

John:
[during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before. [Jane slams on the brakes] Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?

Jane:
[hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!

John:
It was a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane:
Oh, that's better! That's much better! [pause] What's her name and social security number?

John:
No, you're not gonna kill her.

Jane:
You deviated from the plan.

John:
The plan was flawed.

Jane:
The plan was not flawed.

John:
Anal.

Jane:
Organized.

John:
Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.

Jane:
Well, your instinct set off every alarm of the building.

John:
My instinct got the job done. It may not have been Jane Show...

Jane:
No! It was John Show. It was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.

John:
Your fake mother's birthday present.

Jane:
The point is, you are always the first to break team.

John:
You don't want a team. You want a servant to hire.

Jane:
I want someone I can count on.

John:
[sigh] Jane, there is no air around you any more.

Janeh:
Oh, what is that supposed to mean?

John:
That means there is no room for mistakes, whatsoever. No mistakes. No spontaneity. Who can answer that?

Jane:
Well, you don't have to. Because this is not even a real marriage!

[brief ice cold silence]

Danz:
Who are you people?

Jane:
Shut up!!

[at the marriage counselor's office]

Counselor:
At the scale of one to ten, how happy are you in this marriage?

Jane:
[quickly] Eight.

John:
Wait, is ten perfectly happy or...?

Counselor:
Just respond instinctively.

John:
[turns to Jane] You ready?

Jane:
Yeah.

Together:
Eight.