Office Gossip

[first lines]

Sam:
What're you watching?

Jo:
The tape from the dating agency.

Sam:
Ah, cool. Can I watch? I want to see all those saddoes.

Jo:
They are not saddoes.

Sam:
I bet they are: "Hellooo, my name is Colin and I'm a computer programmer."

Jo:
So I'm a saddo, am I?

Sam:
No, of course not. You're desperate.

Jo:
Why Satan chose me to bear his daughter I do not know.

[last lines]

Sam:
I've been thinking about what you said yesterday. You know, about going on dates.

Jo:
Oh, right.

Sam:
And I asked some of my friends what they thought you should do.

Jo:
That was very thoughtful of you.

Sam:
Two of the boys thought you should go out with the woman. They thought it sounded interesting.

Jo:
Yes, well, that's boys for you.

Sam:
And one of the girls asked if you would go out with her granddad, 'cause he's all alone too, but he's got no teeth and his breath smells so I don't think that was a good idea.

Jo:
No, right.

Sam:
I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I reckon that if you want to go on some dates, then you should.

Jo:
As it happens, I've been doing a lot of thinking today. And you know what I've decided? Come on, let's go to Dunkin' Donuts.

Sam:
Yes!

[first lines]

Rod:
[over the intercom] Jo! I wouldn't say no to another cup of coffee. Oh, and maybe you could get me one of those doughnuts from the canteen, a chocky-chocolate one, please. But try to get one with less chocolate if you can; Sheila's got me on another diet. She says I've got to lose half a stone. Oh, and you'll need to move all my meetings this afternoon; I've got an appointment with Mr Henman at two o'clock. I think he might go on a bit. There's only four meetings to change, though; well, you can ring round after you've brought me my doughnut.

[last lines]

Mark Spenser:
Is Rod free?

Jo:
No, you just missed him. He's with the MD.

Mark Spenser:
Is he now? So he's not in his office, then?

Jo:
No.

Mark Spenser:
Like he was with Mr. Godwin.

Jo:
Oh, see for yourself if you don't believe me. [opens the office door, showing Rob seated at his desk] There you are. See. He's not there.

Simon:
I don't know where you got this idea about me and bosses. I've worked for five women, and Max is only the third I've slept with.

Cheryl:
Here you go, Mr Battle. Here's your drink. [hands him a glass of milk]

Rod:
Mm. Thank you. What is this?

Cheryl:
What you asked for: milk and one sugar.

Rod:
Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s, but in a coffee.

Cheryl:
You didn't ask for it in a coffee. I said was making myself a coffee, what would you like? and you said milk and one sugar.

Rod:
Yes, but only...

Cheryl:
Oh, I'm happy to make you a coffee is that's what you'd like, Mr Battle, but you really should have said that's what you wanted.

Rod:
No no no no no, just just just, you know, don't bother.

Cheryl:
Don't worry, I'll soon get used to all your little ways.

[first lines]

Rod:
Damn good things airbags. Remember the accident I was in last month? The airbag just went shoo whuff, you know. Not a mark on me.

Jo:
So if we were to have a crash now, they'd just whuff up and save us.

Rod:
Yeah. Well, me. Only got the driver's airbag; the other one was extra, so I didn't bother.

Jo:
Oh, great! What's the point of having one airbag?

Rod:
Well, better than nothing.

Jo:
Not from where I'm sitting, it isn't.

Rod:
Most of the time I'm on my own.

Jo:
Well, I'm not surprised. "Fancy a lift?" "No fear." What does your wife think about you only having the one?

Rod:
Sheila's fine about it.

Jo:
Sheila doesn't know about it.

Rod:
That's right.

Jo:
I spoke to Cheryl, put her straight.

Rod:
Huh. That's no good. I mean, who's she told? How many people here know?

Jo:
Well, there's... there's Lorraine in reception, and Maggie the cleaner. They're both off today, so... apart from them everyone knows.

[last lines]

Oliver:
Mum! Come and look at this. Daddy's in my picture with a lady. [holding a painting of Rod and Jo in a bed on a beach] Mum!

[last lines]

Jo Thomas:
Well? How'd you get on?

Sam Thomas:
He said he never wanted to hear me play again.

Jo Thomas:
There y'are, told ya.

Sam Thomas:
And then he threw the violin out the window.

[first lines]

Jo:
Sure you wouldn't like a coffee while you're waiting?

Monsieur Lavalle:
Thank you, no.

Jo:
I hear you beat us at football last night. Two-one, wasn't it?

Monsieur Lavalle:
Yes. England were very good, but France were better.

Rod:
Morning, Jo. See the match last night? French up to their usual tricks. Morning, did you see it? That was never a penalty; the frog took a dive. Oh, my leg, my leg, I have broken my leg. I tell you, we buy their smelly cheese from their smelly farmers, and the French stitch up up every single time. I'm sorry; you are, um?

Jo:
Monseiur Lavalle from Bob-a-Lux toys in Lyon, France.

Rod:
Mind you, it's the Germans that are the real menace. I mean, they've stitched us up every time.

Jo:
And this is Herr Munt. From their Munich office.

Jo:
You can't want a relationship that's just sex and noth... You're a man; sorry, I was forgetting.

[first lines]

Simon:
[drawing horses for the office pool] I don't know why I'm bothering; mine never usually gets past the first fence.

Jo:
Last year mine pulled up getting out of its box. [draws] Oh, me luck must be changing; I've got the favourite.

Simon:
That's a horse called 'The Favourite'. It's a hundred to one shot.

[last lines]

Simon:
Perhaps I'm just lucky. You know sometimes, Jo, I think I live a truly charmed life. Hello.

Terry Hill:
Hello. Terry Hill. Cheryl's been saying that you're calling me a con man.

Simon:
Uh. Terry.

Jo:
I'll get your wheelchair, Simon.

Simon:
I don't think I'll be needing that, Jo.

[Terry punches Simon]

Jo:
I think you will, mate.

Simon:
I've got pretty strong moral principles, Jo, and basically I can't cheat on a husband when I find out he's a nice bloke. And a member of a gun club.

[last lines]

Maxine:
Uh, Rod, I just thought you ought to know that I've spoken to the MD and we will be changing the box.

Rod:
Ah, well, good for you.

Maxine:
Sadly, Joanna, I couldn't say that your daughter came up with the solution because, of course, she's not meant to be here today, so, uh...

Jo:
You've taken all the credit.

Maxine:
[to Sam] So, no hard feelings, eh.

[Sam shoots Maxine with the splatter gun]

Maxine:
Joanna, your daughter has just splatted me.

Jo:
She can't have. She's not here today.

[first lines]

Jo:
It's all right; don't worry. Mr Battle's a sweetie, really.

Rod:
Aarrgh! Damn! Damn! [kicks a chair] Damn!

Jo:
Rod!

Rod:
It seems that the little kiddies aren't buying our splatter gun. Little monsters. Thick, ignorant, stupid little bastards.

Jo:
Rod!

Rod:
Ah! Oh, S-Sam. [laughing in embarrassment] What a lovely, what a lovely surprise. Shouldn't you be at, shouldn't she be at school?

Jo:
Been flooded. The guinea pig got stuck down the drain. Been given the day off.

Rod:
Wow! That's great! I bet you're a happy little girl.

Sam:
No, our guinea pig's dead.

Rod:
Right, yes. Not so good for the guinea pig obviously. Um, what was his name?

Sam:
Lucky.

Maxine:
This is a toy company; it's no place for children.

Simon:
Max hates babies! She thinks King Herod was a good bloke!