Undeclared

Lloyd Haythe:
You know what, Hilary? I - we can't do this.

Hillary:
Why?

Lloyd Haythe:
Um... because I have herpes?

Hillary:
Um, so what? I - I do too! Everybody does!

Lloyd Haythe:
I know - but, um, you know what? You're an R.A., I'm a student... I mean, what if someone was to see us?

Hillary:
I'll go fast, like a man! Just give it!

Rachel Lindquist:
Have you ever dumped anyone?

Marshall Nesbitt:
Almost. But we never actually, like, went out, or talked, or anything.

[Ron has made several thousand dollars trading stocks online]

Ron Garner:
I could buy a decent used car right now; or an amazingly thorough prostitute.

[Lizzie's phone rings]

Ron Garner:
Hi, Eric.

Eric:
Who the hell is this? Why are you answering Lizzie's phone?

Ron Garner:
She left it in our room. It's Ron. Hey.

Eric:
Well, what the hell was Lizzie doing in your room?

Ron Garner:
Uh, we were making sloppy love, Eric. It was heavenly.

[Lloyd thinks life is meaningless]

Perry:
Oh, what's the matter, dollface? Down in the dumps? Sucks to be you, huh? What's the matter, Lloyd's of London? You take one "mind-blowing" philosophy class, and all of a sudden you're Jean-Paul Sartre? Oh, so now you've got this existentialist-hook-thing too? Well, that's great, because all you need is a little more mystique! Now you've got a chance with all the freaky chicks I was gonna get! I've taken so much acne medication, MY LIPS ARE SPLITTING IN HALF! This might cheer you up: YOU'RE HOTTER THAN MOST CHICKS! What are you doing in college anyway? People like you don't even need to know how to read! Nice nose.

[Lloyd pushes him]

Lloyd Haythe:
Man, you Americans are such nancies about fighting. Back in the East End, you can't even finish a Yorkshire pudding without some guy - BWAMM! - to the back of the head.

[Ron and Marshall look confused]

Lloyd Haythe:
All right. Are you two men, or pretty little ladies?

Ron Garner:
Pretty lady right here.

Marshall Nesbitt:
I'm a pretty lady.

[Lizzie's boyfriend wants to fight Steven]

Steven Karp:
If I could just explain stuff to him, he really wouldn't be so mad! I know he wouldn't!

Lloyd Haythe:
It's true. If he knew *why* you had sex with Lizzie, he'd be fine with it. In fact, he'd *probably* let you do it again.

Rachel Lindquist:
Yeah. See, these remedies are natural, from the earth.

Ron Garner:
Like that time I ate grass like a dog and puked.

Rachel Lindquist:
He doesn't need to go to a doctor, he's getting better.

Ron Garner:
No, he's not. He looks terrible. He looks like death. I almost buried him this morning.

Rachel Lindquist:
That's because his body is releasing all the toxins.

Ron Garner:
He needs a doctor. And not a witch doctor covered in mud, a real doctor with pills and a tongue depressor.

Rachel Lindquist:
Doctors don't know anything. My uncle's stomach hurt once, so doctors took out his kidney, and it turned out there was nothing wrong with it, and now he has to go through life with no kidney.

Ron Garner:
No, because you're born with two kidneys, you moron.

Lizzie Exley:
[everyone has just discovered Steven's Dad nailing his R.A] You want your dad to give you space. Well, you should give him space. How would you feel if he said we couldn't go out?

Steven Karp:
I guess so. God, this sucks.

Ron Garner:
Yeah, man. Let's go back and see if they're doing the hog.

Rachel Lindquist:
[Rachel has just discovered Marshall's new Japanese girlfriend, who doesn't speak English] She's got the b*obs of a six-year-old and she's like, dumb.

Lloyd Haythe:
I don't think a dumb girl is necessarily wrong for him.

Ron Garner:
She's not dumb, she just seems dumb 'cause she's foreign. Ha! Like you, Lloyd.

Lloyd Haythe:
I'm going to hurt you when you least expect it.

Ron Garner:
Sleep don't drink no beer.

Rex:
Oh, you want to talk about your relationship? Huh?

Eric:
Yeah, I would like to.

Rex:
You know what a relationship is? Real Exciting Love Affair that Turns Into Ongoing Nightmare. Sobriety Hangs in Peril. Something like that, I got it tattooed on my back.

Ron Garner:
God wants people to have stomachs! Why can't they see that?

Ron Garner:
All you had to do was get a few hundred dollars! How hard is that? Didn't you see "Oliver"? That little bugger scammed people all over the place!

Lloyd Haythe:
What's your favorite film?

Ron Garner:
"You've Got Mail." Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, a very likable Greg Kinnear... you think you're better than it, like 'Ooh this movie's going to suck' but then you watch it and it becomes a part of you.

Eric:
You are not my girlfriend, you are my girl enemy.

Lloyd Haythe:
Are you two men, or pretty little ladies?

Ron Garner:
Pretty lady right here.

Marshall Nesbitt:
I'm a pretty lady.

Tina Ellroy:
[when she and Lizzie confront Rachel about gaining the "Freshman 15"] It's okay. You know? You're just under stress. You know? Food can be such a comfort.

Rachel Lindquist:
Yeah? Well, then you must be really comfortable, Tina. Why don't I get you a pillow?

Tina Ellroy:
I am not fat! I am voluptuous! I got back!

Rachel Lindquist:
Yeah, well, just don't back into me!

Books:
[after shutting down the elevator the boys are in] You're in hell! You're in my hell!

Ron Garner:
Oh, my God, did you hear that, man? We're in that Boglin's hell!

Marshall Nesbitt:
That little guy scares the crap out of me, you guys.

Lloyd Haythe:
[yells up to Books] Why don't you fight like a man, gnome boy?

Books:
[after the boys steal their "Theta"] I can't believe this! Those guys are so dead!

Taint:
[pushes Books] Oh, really?

Books:
What? Come on! It's not my fault.

Taint:
Of course, it's your fault! The pickles! Nobody can eat that many pickles, it's impossible!

Books:
I ate that many pickles! Even more pickles than they did!

Taint:
What is this obsession with pickles, man? We're a frat! Who cares? We drink beer!

Steven Karp:
Uh, excuse me... we're, like, having a party tonight. Do you, like, wanna come?

Betty:
Oh, I'm a senior.

Steven Karp:
Oh, that's cool ...

Betty:
No, sweetie, that means I'm not coming to your party.

Perry:
[playing a video game] Why doesn't anything happen when you push this button?

Lloyd Haythe:
Because you suck!

Perry:
It's true. I suck at video wrestling. How ever will I tell my parents?

Marshall Nesbitt:
You're smart, and pretty... like a dolphin.

Professor Duggan:
When I'm lecturing, I expect you to listen. This is not high school. You're paying good money for an education.

Marshall Nesbitt:
Well, yeah, that's the whole point. I *am* paying good money and I think you should try being a little less boring.

Professor Duggan:
Excuse me?

Marshall Nesbitt:
What? No . . .

Professor Duggan:
No, no. Please, tell me, you think I'm *boring*?

Marshall Nesbitt:
No, I don't think you're boring. It's . . . You just seem bored, you know, like *you* are bored.

Professor Duggan:
[comes to a realization] You're right, I am bored.

Marshall Nesbitt:
Well, why? Why are you so bored?

Professor Duggan:
I don't know. I just don't like the kids anymore.

Steven Karp:
Dad, the apartment looks good.

Hal Karp:
[sarcastically] I know, it's great. I'm *so* glad your mom is divorcing me.

Steven Karp:
Dad, uh . . .

Hal Karp:
You know, it took me *two hours* to decorate this place. I went to that Swedish place and Beyond the Bathroom. It took your mother *a year* to do the house. I mean, what was she doing all that time?

Hal Karp:
[about pursuing Lizzie] Just don't do it, Steven, okay?

Steven Karp:
Look, she said now that she's away at college, they've both agreed to explore. That includes *me*.

Hal Karp:
Then let her date Magellan. Vasco Da Gama.

Steven Karp:
But I like this girl.

Hal Karp:
Steven, women are crazy. You don't want to enter into a situation that makes them even crazier. Now pardon me, but look at your mother. She seemed completely sane at the beginning. Now this chick you like, she's already starting at halfway nuts.

Steven Karp:
[gets up to leave] Thanks, Dad.

Hal Karp:
Where are you going? Okay, ignore the voice of experience!

Rachel Lindquist:
[gives advice to Steven about Lizzie] All women *are* crazy. That's why I don't have any friends that are girls. Because they're crazy!

Marshall Nesbitt:
Don't say that, because some girls are really great.

Rachel Lindquist:
You are gonna be in hell.

Marshall Nesbitt:
Maybe you like hell, right?

Steven Karp:
[Lizzie approaches] Actually, guys, be quiet, because she's actually . . . here she comes.

Rachel Lindquist:
I've lived with her for one day, and I can already tell she's *crazy*. Have you seen her screensaver? It's a picture of her boyfriend's head.

Marshall Nesbitt:
And one day, it's gonna be a picture of *Steven's* head.

Rachel Lindquist:
I think it could be my head.