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Paul Hokemeyer

Paul Hokemeyer, PhD (Dr. Paul) is one of America's leading experts on issues relating to behavioral health, addictions and relationships.

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"I see psychotherapy is an art grounded in science. The art consists of connecting with a patient where he or she is, then using solid evidentiary methodologies and interventions to move the patient toward a reparative experience." The Wall Street Journal

– Paul Hokemeyer

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(W)hile challenging, mental health issues can actually make relationships stronger. When addictions or mental health issues exist in the context of a romantic relationship, the couple must learn to set boundaries, communicate painful truths, and tolerate the often imperfect process of recovery."

– Paul Hokemeyer

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A good goal in life is to be intentional. We've got to force ourselves to plug into the voice that tell us we're deserving to claim that richer, fuller life.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Apologizing is a concrete action that deepens trust, respect and intimacy

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Attractiveness demands an ease of being. It's comfortable and relaxed while bearing the mark of individuality.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Change is hard. That's why propelling away from discomfort is easier than moving toward a fantasy goal.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Compassion fatigue is a well-established concept in the realm of health care providers. First observed in nurses who worked in emergency rooms, it describes the sense of helplessness and hopelessness that can overtake a person providing care for someone whose suffering seems never-ending and insurmountable.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Compulsive workers tend to be overly sensitive and suffer from intense emotions including depression and anxiety.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Divorce is a very difficult decision to make and no one makes it lightly.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Human beings are built for connection — it's wired into the depths of our being, It's also complicated and multi-dimensional. This is why we're the healthiest and happiest when we're connected to a group of people rather then depending on a single person for all of our emotional and physical needs

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Human beings are built for relationships. It's in our DNA

– Paul Hokemeyer

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In contrast to those seeking treatment for drug and alcohol addictions, people who suffer from sexual addictions face more obstacles to getting effective care. These include the controversy surrounding the disorder’s existence that prevents treatment from being covered by insurance, the shame and guilt that keeps the people who suffer from asking for help and the scarcity of competent clinicians who can treat it.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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In my experience working with patients, I’ve found that the universe can be an extraordinary beacon, no matter who we are and what our backgrounds are. When we attune ourselves to its frequency, it often answers our expectations and intentions. It also protects us from grave dangers. And, over time, it guides us to powerful places we might never have even imagined.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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In order to get our country back on track, we must focus first and foremost on reducing the gulf between the haves and the have-nots. This can only occur by reinvesting in the emotional and physical well-being of the American family in the full range of its expression.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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In the end, it doesn't matter what people think. Love is a felt experience, not a visible one.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Instead of the personal being political, as was the case in second-generation feminism, today the political has become personal. It adds to, rather than helping solve, the emotional and physical challenges of its citizens.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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It’s important that () treatment be methodically and holistically addressed in a structured and safe frame. (Patients) need to be understood rather than judged, heard rather than preached at. They must be able to lay the weight of their world in the clinician’s hands and trust that he or she won’t drop it.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Leading up to (divorce), the parties have to ry on different ways of being in the world. This means being single, sexually active, emotionally vulnerable with another human being.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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My awareness of myself and my own issues enables me to relate to and feel compassion towards the vulnerability of being human. Its is the thing we share and it gives us a strong foundation to build upon.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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One of the gifts of aging in recovery is the ability to ignore the noise and distractions of life. In long-term sobriety, people are able to focus on the qualitative aspects of their lives, like relationships, meaningful work and peace of mind, and let go of the neurotic pursuit for quantitative fulfillment, such as power, property and prestige.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Over the past decade that I've been working with relational and addictive disorders among America's elite men, women and families, I've seen extraordinary healing occur among the ashes of professional, personal and political wastelands.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Patients who suffer from sexual addictions enter treatment paralyzed by shame and humiliation. They describe themselves as “evil” and “defective.” They desperately want to be liberated from the crush of their destructive behavior, but can’t get out from under it’s demoralizing weight

– Paul Hokemeyer

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People are attracted to authentic beauty that has a human rather than mannequin quality.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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People are human beings, not commercial transactions.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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People who filed for divorce have reached a point in their lives where they are no longer able to honor the commitment they made in their wedding vows.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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People [also] lie because they suffer from an addictive or relational condition like a narcissistic, anti-social or borderline personality disorder. These people lie to manipulate others,

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Perfect people are annoying and off-putting. We connect with people through their cracks. It's what makes them human and, ultimately, attractive.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Really focus on how the person makes you feel. Relationships should compliment you and support you and make you feel good about yourself so try to stay away from people who have a toxic effect on you.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Regardless of where you stood on Trump, his victory disrupted the status quo, brought anger out of the shadows and barbed human relations.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Selfies are about self-admiration. They provide people of all ages constant opportunities to obsess about their looks and their external presentation

– Paul Hokemeyer

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She reads Proust and he watches the Kardashians. Or worse, he wanted Clinton to win and she crows about Trump’s victory. Yes, the second will be much harder to overcome than the first, but relational happiness can prevail

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Sweeping and dramatic changes make for good theater, but in real life, they're not effective.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The goal (of psychotherapy) is for the patient to internalize the reparative relationship with their clinician. The Wall Street Journal

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The key of liberation is to acknowledge that your unhealthy response to other peoples’ behavior is a habit – and most importantly – that it’s a habit you can break.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The key to working through these (relationship) differences is focusing on that which you love, and putting boundaries around that which you don’t. You’ll also need to avoid the temptation to demean and humiliate your mate for their beliefs. It will take practice and incredible self-regulation, but success in these areas will greatly enhance the quality of your relationship.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The most attractive people are those who make others feel attractive. Attractiveness requires an other focus rather than a self-obsession.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The most significant and destructive characteristic of addictions is that they occur in isolation

– Paul Hokemeyer

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The point of therapy is to give you clarity and guidance to go out and live a rich and meaningful life. As such, it should be structured in such a way that has a beginning, middle and end. Each stage should have clearly articulated goals. So the first stage involves getting to your vulnerability. This takes time and the feeling of trust and respect for your therapist. The middle stage involves coming up with a plan of action and the final stage involves implementing the action plan into your life.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Therapy provides you with a frame to sort out... issues. It’s a safe, contained and guided space that enables you put your issues out to the world, analyze and come up with a plan of action to resolve them.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Toxic relationships are crazy-making. In them, we question our truths and doubt our reality.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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We are emotionally and physically healthier when we are meaningfully engaged with other people. This means engaged with others in compassionate and altruistic ways.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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We gain self esteem by doing esteemable acts

– Paul Hokemeyer

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We must use this election as a pushing off point, a fulcrum to channel our individual and societal resiliency.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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We typically think we’re going to find the perfect mate who’s going to solve all our problems and make our life perfect and that is just unrealistic. We fall in love with human beings, and human being have cracks and we actually love people for their vulnerability.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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We're genetically pulled to people who radiate warmth, honesty and compassion. We're repelled by external presentations of perfection…The perfection of others makes us feel inadequate.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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When a parent remarries a much younger spouse, the main dynamic that comes into play with adult children is sibling rivalry

– Paul Hokemeyer

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When human beings feel betrayed and helpless, they either internalize the anger or project it out onto the people around them.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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When the going gets tough, human beings eventually move back towards their higher states of being.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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When we engage in the world through narcissistic acts, we invoke a host of negative reactions from others,

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Whenever a person you care about is acting in a way that diminishes them, an intervention can be appropriate.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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With the proper motivation and a conscious cultivation of resiliency, you'll soon emerge from the pathology of this election.

– Paul Hokemeyer

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Quotes from the news wire:

In this regard, she’s at the top of her class, she might run into some problems after law school when she applies for internships or bar admittance. But I’m certainly not worried about that. Firms and legal bars would be lucky to have her among their colleagues.

– Paul Hokemeyer

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

If I were a betting man, I’d certainly bet on her ability to push through these social forces and become a legal star in the 21stcentury.

– Paul Hokemeyer

Found on FOX News 6 years ago

6 MYTHS ABOUT DATING OVER AGE 50, DEBUNKED Blaming outside factors, including you, does not count as taking responsibility. If they blame their partner or lack insight into their actions, chances are, they'll do it again, Sheri Meyers said. Why stay with a cheating spouse ? Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and couples therapist, told Fox News that couples who stay together after infidelity have compelling reasons to do so. They are invested in Your Relationship and don't want to throw away a history of success, the cheating event is either a one off occurrence or based on an implied understanding between partners. In other words, Sheri Meyers were both taking a break and agreed to date others at that time. 9 SIGNS SHE MAY BE CHEATING ON Sheri Meyers When a cheating spouse admits to being unfaithful, realizes the pain they've caused Sheri Meyers, and is willing to prove their commitment to the relationship every day, it is possible for a couple to heal and move past infidelity. Your Relationship will, no doubt, feel different. Your Relationship can find a new equilibrium, but Your Relationship will never go back to the way Your Relationship was before the cheating occurred. This is because our brain is wired to retain strong emotional experiences, Hokemeyer said. The partners have to find a new normal. One that doesn't ignore that the betrayal occurred while simultaneously finding a place for it in the narrative of Your Relationship. FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK FOR MORE FOX LIFESTYLE NEWS Tammy Nelson said the majority of people will know if Your Relationship is built to last through a breach of trust. Most people ultimately know when Your Relationship has a solid foundation and a loving connection — they know if Your Relationship can survive an affair.

– Paul Hokemeyer

Found on FOX News 7 years ago

Single peopleshouldn't look to simply survive the holidays, but rather, use the reflective time of the season to thrive.

– Paul Hokemeyer

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

People who snoop look for confirmation that their partner is up to no good, just like a successful prosecutor needs hard evidence to convict a person suspected of a crime, a snooper feels they need more than just their intuition to prove their partner is untrustworthy.

– Paul Hokemeyer

Found on FOX News 8 years ago

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