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Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations

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A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.

– Steven Wright

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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else

– Steven Wright

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Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

– Steven Wright

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

– Steven Wright

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Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

– Steven Wright

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Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

– Steven Wright

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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

– Steven Wright

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Have you heard the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac , who was pacing & pacing thru the night , wondering if there's really a 'Dog' ?

– Steven Wright

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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

– Steven Wright

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I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.

– Steven Wright

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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

– Steven Wright

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I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

– Steven Wright

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

– Steven Wright

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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

– Steven Wright

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I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.

– Steven Wright

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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know

– Steven Wright

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If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

– Steven Wright

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If God dropped acid, would he see people?

– Steven Wright

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

– Steven Wright

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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer

– Steven Wright

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If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

– Steven Wright

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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

– Steven Wright

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

– Steven Wright

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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

– Steven Wright

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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'

– Steven Wright

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

– Steven Wright

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

– Steven Wright

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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

– Steven Wright

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The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.

– Steven Wright

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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

– Steven Wright

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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

– Steven Wright

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They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

– Steven Wright

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Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

– Steven Wright

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

– Steven Wright

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When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

– Steven Wright

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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

– Steven Wright

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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?!

– Steven Wright

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