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Ambrose Bierce

(1842-1914) American Civil War soldier, humorist, writer of caustic wit

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Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum

– Ambrose Bierce

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Faith Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Calamities are of two kinds misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.

– Ambrose Bierce

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There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Cabbage A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

– Ambrose Bierce

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Painting The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited.

– Ambrose Bierce

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Pray To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Alien. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

– Ambrose Bierce

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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

– Ambrose Bierce

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An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Brain an apparatus with which we think we think.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Impiety. Your irreverence toward my deity.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Life. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Marriage: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

– Ambrose Bierce

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once a man has tasted strong drink, he finds wine insipid

– Ambrose Bierce

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Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Patience. A minor form of despair disguised as a virtue.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Quotation, n The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.

– Ambrose Bierce

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The covers of this book are too far apart.

– Ambrose Bierce

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To be positive To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Trial. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors.

– Ambrose Bierce

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Vote: The instrument and symbol of a free man's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

– Ambrose Bierce

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