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It’s a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed. (Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre.) Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I’ve seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I wanted to take the dog to obedience class but it wouldn't go. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning - I had my braces caught in the banister Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television - up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
(On his marathon live shows) You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn’t make the sound of a coconut. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows – it’s never been done before. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I always feel at home in theatres like this ... because we're about the same age Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works. Ken Dodd	added by RobertHaigh 4 years ago
Do not be afraid to fail. Most do every day. RJ Intindola – (Gandolfo)	added by RJ Intindola 4 years ago
I cannot love I. I can only love you Mwanandeke Kindembo	added by King_M 4 years ago
The so called 'inner beauty' is simply character. It's your behaviour or attitude towards the world and people around you. Meaning, it can be beautiful and ugly too! Mwanandeke Kindembo	added by King_M 4 years ago
Regardless of many people`s perceived need to be extracautious in this new age, the rise of transparency caused by the social media revolution is rapidly building a far better world. Maxim Behar	added by MaximBehar 4 years ago
Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun. Rudyard Kipling	added by Normando 4 years ago
If your character is strong, you will find a way to succeed and if it is weak, you’ll find an excuse to fail. RJ Intindola – (Gandolfo)	added by RJ Intindola 4 years ago
Government, in my humble opinion, should be formed to secure and to enlarge the exercise of the natural rights of its members; and every government, which has not this in view, as its principal object, is not a government of the legitimate kind. James Wilson	added by Normando 4 years ago
The most precious possessions in life cannot be touched by human hands; foremost, is the fulfillment of inner peace. RJ Intindola – (Gandolfo)	added by RJ Intindola 4 years ago
The 4th Amendment and the personal rights it secures have a long history. At the very core stands the right of a man to retreat into his own home and there be free from unreasonable governmental intrusion. Justice Potter Stewart	added by arizonaborderwriter 4 years ago

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Are you a quotes master?

Who said: "If you have always believed that everyone should play by the same rules and be judged by the same standards, that would have gotten you labeled a radical 60 years ago, a liberal 30 years ago and a racist today."?

A Ron Paul

B Larry Elder

C Thomas Sowell

D Barack Obama