30 Minutes or Less

[from trailer]

Dwayne:
Sometimes fate pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in face.

[from trailer]

Nick:
[unzips a vest to show a bomb strapped to his chest] Guess what? You just brought a gun to a bombfight, officer!

[from trailer]

Dwayne:
I liked the bear, I don't even f***ing know you.

[during the bank robbery, to a man sporting a handlebar moustache]

Chet:
Quit lookin' at me, moustache!

Nick:
I taught myself how to do this sh*t. Went online, looked all this up!

Dwayne:
Oh I hear ya. I taught myself how to eat p*ssy and cut my own hair!

Chet:
[singing] Painting our guns, painting our guns for the bank robbery, 'cause if we go in with our plastic guns then the cops will shoot us in our face...

Chet:
You wanna f*** my sister?

Nick:
I said your sister was sexually attractive.

Chet:
Uh, my twin sister? Which is basically like f***ing me?

Dwayne:
F***ing victory tacos!

Chet:
[gasp as Nick shows the bomb vest] What the f***? Is that thing real?

Nick:
Chet, if I don't get to the money in time. This thing gonna blow.

Chet:
[angry] And your first though was to come to a school, filled with young children

Nick:
Remember graduation night?

Chet:
When you were nailing Tina Scotto?

Nick:
Actually, I was having the best night of my life with your sister.

Chet:
Okay, climb through the window.

Nick:
You climb through the window!

Chet:
No, I'm holding the bag.

Nick:
I'm holding the bomb!

Nick:
[to Mr. Fisher] Now, listen to me... We're obviously, uh, stealing the car! And you won't report it stolen until later tonight, let's say... 5 o'clock. Or 6, to be safe!

Chet:
6:15!

Nick:
Yeah, right! 6:15.

Chet:
Don't even bother calling the cops! We own the cops!

Nick:
Now, give me the f***ing code.

Dwayne:
Alright. 69-69-69.

Nick:
[pauses] You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

Kate:
Why did that engine explode?

Nick:
Remember that bomb I was telling you about? I kind of typed in the code, reactivated it and put in the back of that guy's van.

Chet:
What? That's some John McClane sh*t! Yes!

Kate:
How did you remember the code?

Nick:
[hesitates] It doesn't matter. We are alive, and we are rich.

Dwayne:
You're a cold son of a b*tch, dad.

The Major:
That's what it takes, boy. In the Corps, pussies like you wore dresses to keep us entertained.

Dwayne:
That's really f***in' disturbing.

Kate:
You're late.

Nick:
No, no, I'm 45 minutes late, which is, like 10 minutes early for me.

Dwayne:
What is the one thing this town is missing? I'll give you a hint. It's cash business and it's crawling with sexy b*tches.

Travis:
Chinese food restaurant?

Dwayne:
No.

Travis:
Abortion clinic.

Dwayne:
Sometimes faith pulls out its big ol' cock and slaps you right in the face.

Chet:
Okay, what if we saw off both of your arms, slip the vest over your head, than go to the hospital, they'll re-attach your arms. We'll just keep your arms on ice the whole time.

Nick:
F*** that!

Chet:
I don't know what to do, man. All these sites have different sh*t. There's not a lot of consensus in the bomb disarming community. What did they do in the Hurt Locker?

Travis:
If wanting a lot of money is gay, then, yeah, I'm Elton John.

Chet:
[trying to pick out the right toy gun to buy and use in the robbery by practicing with it in the store] EVERYBODY! GET DOWN ON THE GR...

Nick:
Shhh! Jesus!

Chet:
[more quietly] Everybody! Get down on the ground NOW and go get us our money!

Nick:
Uh, how are they supposed to get the money when you just told them...

Chet:
Go get us our money and THEN everybody get down on the ground!

Dwayne:
I've been thinking a lot about the 'polishing the scepter' deal. I know that's really not for polishing the scepter, you're just talking about sucking my dick. But I just want you to know that it's going to be mutual. You won't just have to polish my scepter, I will also lick your crown, which is a euphemism for eating your p*ssy. Ok, well give me a call when you get a chance. Goodbye.

Nick:
[fighting with Chet] You're twins. Did you feel it when I was f***ing her?

Chet:
Maybe I should just become a bank robber. I'm pretty good at it. Teachers don't make sh*t. Bank robbers make bank.

Dwayne:
This is like the Marines. If you hesitate, if you f*** around, I will leave you behind.

Dwayne:
[watching Friday the 13th Part III] I'm not afraid of Jason. Look at me. I'm f***ing Jason. In his f***ing mask hole.