44 Inch Chest

Archie:
Are you hearing this? What you've done? What you're responsible for? Are you proud of yourself? Was it worth it? All this pain.

Mal:
F***ed his wife. F***ed his f***ing wife. You f***ing wife-f***er, you. You f***ed his f***ing wife, you wife-f***ing c*nt. Another man's wife. Are you stupid, are you f***ing thick, you c*nt? F*** another man's wife? You don't do that. It ends in this. This. This is where it ends. You listening, you hearing me? Shitter? Little shitter?

Archie:
You should have got your own f***ing wife to f***!

Mal:
You're in deep sh*t mate. You're in the worst possible place a man could find himself.

Colin Diamond:
I want you dead. I think you owe me that. I do. Because that's what you've done to me. You've f***ing killed me.

Liz:
It's not like that Colin. I don't feel the same as you, I just want to get out.

Colin Diamond:
Well f*** off then. Go on, get. F*** off. I'll be alright. Selfish bastard. I ain't gonna stop you. I'll tell you. You f*** off, you horrible c*nt. You traitor. I hate you.

Liz:
Not if you're going to start calling me names.

Colin Diamond:
Don't you... a nasty, unfaithful cow who sucked another man's bellend, tell me, f***ing tell me, that I'm calling you names. Who is he?

Liz:
Does it matter?

Colin Diamond:
Who is he? Tell me the c*nt's name, I want to know.

Liz:
He's just a guy.

Colin Diamond:
Oh just a guy. Not a bloke, not just a bloke. He's a guy. He's a c*nt. I'll cut his cock off when I find him.

Liz:
Stop it, Colin!

Colin Diamond:
No that's right, stick up for the c*nt. 'Cos you're on his side. Side of the guy. Well let me tell you something Liz, and mark my f***ing words, I will tear the flesh off his face with my teeth and stick it in your f***ing handbag.

Liz:
Right that's it, I'm going. We'll talk later.

Old Man Peanut:
Poof?

Mal:
He's thinking of Farrady. He's been dead for years.

Meredith:
Farraday. He was alright. He was a gentle giant.

Mal:
He was only 5'4''

Meredith:
I f***ed him back in the 80's. I'm telling you, he was a gentle giant.

Mal:
Did you? I didn't know that.

Old Man Peanut:
We do now.

Meredith:
He was a very shy man. I liked him.

Old Man Peanut:
No, it's not that c*nt I'm thinking of. It was that other c*nt. C*nt with the ears. Pen and inked something terrible.

Mal:
That's Dougie Clark. The Human Stinkbomb.

Old Man Peanut:
I've got a bone to pick with that c*nt.

Mal:
You can't get close enough though, can you?

Old Man Peanut:
I wouldn't give her the pickings out of my handkerchief.

Tippi:
[cutting huge lines of cocaine] I like a line the size of a Tobleron?.

Meredith:
With me it's the five Fs. Find 'em, follow 'em, finger 'em, f*** 'em, and forget 'em.

Colin Diamond:
I bet she's never farted in front of you, has she? Has she? No- I thought not. I mean, that's not romantic, is it? You just want the perfume clouds, the romance, the magicalness of it all- the false crap. Well, I've got news for you, Sonny Jim- that's not love. Love's hard work, hard graft. Love can be murder. Love is watching what she wants to watch on the tely, taking her the papers and a cup of tea on a Sunday morning in bed and inquiring to how she might be feeling, "You all right, Liz?" whilst plumping up her pillows. And she might get irritated by that, but you gotta take it on the chin and broad shoulders, because she's the queen, and you're the bee- the Dad. And so what if you cook the dinner and you get no thanks for it? Don't do it if you expect thanks. That's not why you do it. And yes, you forgot the dripping tap for ten years, and then one day- for whatever reason, f*** knows why- you get off your fat ass and you find yourself under the sink with a spanner in your hand and you're smiling like f***- because you know it's gonna please her. And if she don't notice it, she don't notice it- it don't matter. It's fixed. It's plumbed. It's the maintenance of a marriage, the nuts and bolts, the nitty gritty, the reality- that's life, that's love, it ain't easy- nobody ever said it was gonna be easy. It's f***ing hard work. But, you know, love can be... lovely. One day, you'll be in the bathroom, having a shave in front of the mirror, all soap on your face, and you feel her approaching you. She's hung a pair of tights, hanging on the radiator. And as she leaves, she pats you on the bum and gives you a tiny smile- almost not a smile- but a smile nevertheless. And it will mean the world to you- the whole. incredible world- the f***ing universe.

Meredith:
What I choose to do with my nine-and-a-half has f*** all to do with you.