A Chump at Oxford

Stan:
This joint is really screwy! There's a gent over there who just said he wants his salad served undressed!

Ollie:
Well, you heard what he said - serve the salad undressed!

Lord Paddington:
Fatty, lift up your chin. No no no, both of them!

Student:
Pardon me sir, but haven't you come to the wrong college?

Ollie:
This is Oxford isn't it?

Student:
Yes but, you're dressed for Eton

Stan:
Just as well, we haven't eaten since breakfast

[last lines]

Stan:
Ollie, where ya goin'?

Ollie:
Back to America for me!

Stan:
Ollie?

Ollie:
What?

Stan:
[starts to cry] You're going without me...

Ollie:
Stan! You know me!

Stan:
Well, of course I know you... What do you have, one of those dizzy spells?

Stan:
He must have one of those dizzy spells.

Ollie:
Yeah, he's a dizzy dean!

Stan:
Hey, Ollie look... [spans the distance from England to America on a globe with his thumb and forefinger - about two inches] We're only this far from home.

Ollie:
Einstein?... if it wasn't for that bump on the head he wouldn't know Einstein from a beer stein...

Student:
Dirty snitchers.

Lord Paddington:
Repeat that remark again.

Student:
[with entire student group] Dirty snitchers!

Lord Paddington:
[his ears wiggle wildly] Meredith, hold my handkerchief. Now I demand an immediate apology. [a fight ensues]

Lord Paddington:
[looking at Ollie] Meredith, who is this coarse person?

Ollie:
[refering to the Dean] Have you ever seen a face like that anyhwere but in a zoo?

Stan:
Sure... in a monkey house.

Ollie:
A monkey house! [laughs] I never thought of that!

Ollie:
[in the maze] Where are you?

Stan:
I'm over here... where are you?

Ollie:
I'm here.

Stan:
How can you be here if I'm here?

Meredith:
[speaking of Lord Paddington] And when he got angry, he would wiggle his ears in the most extraordinary fashion, and he would fight like a demon.

Ollie:
Fight like demon... [to Stan] Wiggle your ears.

Stan:
Huh?

Ollie:
[sternly] Wiggle your ears!

Stan:
[Stan tries to wiggle his ears] I can't wiggle my ears.

Ollie:
Of course not; it's another rib.

Student:
We're going to run you out of Oxford; and if you don't go, we'll take of your britches and throw you out!

Lord Paddington:
What? Take off my britches? In the presence of Meredith?

Dean Williams:
Professor Einstein of Princeton is having trouble with his theory; could you possible give him just a little time...

Lord Paddington:
Of course... Fatty, hand me my memorandum

[Ollie gives it to him... he leafs through it]

Lord Paddington:
Let's see... Monday, Tuesday... suppose we make it Ash Wednesday... invite him for lunch, I'm having pancakes.

Student:
[with entire student body, marching] Fe, fi,fo,fum. We want the blood of an American. Be he alive, or be he dead, we'll break his bones to make our bread. We'll beat those Yankees like a drum. We'll send them back where they came from [pointing at their window] Fe, fi, fo, fum.

Ollie:
[to Meredith about Stan] Brilliant mind? [laughs] Why, I've known him for years, and he's the dumbest guy I ever saw. Aren't you, Stanley?

Stan:
I certainly am!

Ollie:
Listen, I've had enough of this! Why I knew you when I had more brains in my little finger than you had in your whole carcass... even with your overcoat on!

Lord Paddington:
You're a witty old stick-in-the-mud, aren't you, Fatty?

Ollie:
You bet I am, and don't call me Fatty!

Lord Paddington:
Now don't get excited, old boy...

Ollie:
Who's excited? I'm through. You can take your lordships, your Oxford and your Paddingtons and do what you like with them!

Ollie:
And there's one more thing, too: I didn't like that double chin crack!