A Day at the Races

Dr. Hackenbush:
[giving a pill to a horse] Take one of those every half mile and call me if there's any change.

Dr. Hackenbush:
[after examining Stuffy] Either he's dead or my watch has stopped!

Dr. Hackenbush:
[to Stuffy] Hey, don't drink that poison. That's four dollars an ounce.

Dr. Hackenbush:
Will you have the bellhop hop up some hop scotch?

Dr. Hackenbush:
It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!

Dr. Hackenbush:
Emily, I have a little confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at any other horse.

Tony:
If she wants a Hackenabuss, she's gonna get a Hackenabuss.

Mrs. Upjohn:
I'm going to someone who understands me, I'm going to Dr. Hackenbush!...Why, I didn't know there was a thing the matter with me until I met him.

Hackenbush:
Here boy. Take these bags up to my room, and here's a dime for yourself.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Oh, no, no, no. This is Mr. Whitmore, our business manager.

Hackenbush:
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Here's a quarter!

Hackenbush:
At the age of fifteen I got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions.

Whitmore:
Don't you have to be twenty-one to fill prescriptions?

Hackenbush:
Well, uh, that's for grown-ups. I just fill them for children.

Hackenbush:
Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Vassar? But that's a girls' college.

Hackenbush:
I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.

...

Whitmore:
The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences.

Hackenbush:
Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic.

Whitmore:
Ah, and what happened?

Hackenbush:
I got the flu.

[Dr. Hackenbush hands a large pill to Mrs. Upjohn]

Whitmore:
Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me.

Hackenbush:
Oh, you've taken them before.

Mrs. Upjohn:
Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake?

Hackenbush:
You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby.

Whitmore:
May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill?

Hackenbush:
Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.

Tony:
Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track!

Hackenbush:
I notice he wins all the time.

Tony:
Aw, just because he comes in first.

Hackenbush:
Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.

...

Tony:
Here your ice cream. [offering a hint book for betting on the horses] One dollar and you'll remember me all your life.

Hackenbush:
That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.

[Hackenbush buys the code book])

Tony:
Here your ice cream. Tootsie-frootsie ice cream.

[The code book says that horse Z-V-B-X-R-P-L will win the next race. Tony offers a free code book to decode the letters.]

Tony:
...just a one dollar printing charge.

Hackenbush:
Well, uh, give me one without printing. I'm sick of printing.

Tony:
...just a two dollar delivery charge.

Hackenbush:
What do you mean delivery charge? I'm standing right next to you.

Tony:
Well, for such a short distance, I make it a dollar.

Hackenbush:
Couldn't I move over here and make it uh - fifty cents?

Tony:
Yes, but I'd move over here and make it a dollar just the same.

Hackenbush:
[after buying many guidebooks] All I wanted was a horse, not a public library.

...

Hackenbush:
[after realizing he was swindled by Tony] Get your Tootsie-Frootsie. Nice ice cream. Nice Tootsie-Frootsie ice cream.

Hackenbush:
Record department. Col. Hawkins talkin'.

Whitmore:
Col. Hawkins, did you get a wire for me regarding Dr. Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
[Turns on a fan] I'm sorry sir. There's a hurricane blowin' down here, and you have to talk a little louder. Woo! It's certainly the windiest day we ever had! WOO! Certainly is windy!

Whitmore:
I want to find out about Dr. HACKENBUSH!

Hackenbush:
[turns on the intercom, pulling Whitmore away from the phone] Whitmore you have to cut out that squawking! The patients are all complaining! [on the phone, posing as Colonel Hawkins] ...I hope, sir, that's the information that you require.

Whitmore:
I'm sorry, Colonel. I didn't hear it. I was called to the dictagraph.

Hackenbush:
What was that you said sir?

Whitmore:
[loudly] I was called to the dictagraph....I want to find out something about Hackenbush.

[Whitmore is called to the intercom again.]

Hackenbush:
...And in conclusion, let me say...

Whitmore:
I'm sorry Colonel. What was that you said about Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
You mean, Dr. Hackenbush? Oh no. He's not here.

Whitmore:
I know he's not there. He's here!

Hackenbush:
Then what are you botherin' me for, Yankee?

Whitmore:
But I want to know something about his Florida record...Are you sure you're speaking about Hugo Z. Hackenbush?

Hackenbush:
Who?

Whitmore:
Hugo Z. Hackenbush!

Hackenbush:
Who's calling him?

Whitmore:
The Standish Sanitarium!

Hackenbush:
Yeah. That's where he works. Yeah. I understand he's doing a mighty fine job up there.

Whitmore:
I, I want to get some information regarding his qualifications for the job.

Hackenbush:
What job?

Whitmore:
As head of the sanitarium!

Hackenbush:
Who?

Whitmore:
Hackenbush!

Hackenbush:
[on the intercom] Whitmore, are you calling me?

Whitmore:
No, you sap!

Hackenbush:
[on the phone] Yes, now, uh, now what was that name?

Whitmore:
Hackenbush! Hackenbush!

Hackenbush:
Uh, uh. Well, as soon as he comes in, I'll have him get in touch with you.

Whitmore:
[slamming down the phone: No!

Hackenbush:
[examining Stuffy with an auriscope] I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde.

Tony:
Told you he was sick.

Hackenbush:
[pointing to Stuffy's neck] That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%.

Tony:
That's bad.

Hackenbush:
With a 1% mentality.

[Stuffy grins]

Hackenbush:
He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at.

Tony:
Hey doc. Hey doc!

Hackenbush:
Huh?

Tony:
You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.

Hackenbush:
I knew it all the time. That was a good joke on all of us, wasn't it?

Flo:
Why, I've never been so insulted in my life!

Hackenbush:
[after looking at his watch] Well, it's early yet.

Tony:
Have you got a woman in here?

Hackenbush:
If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.

Flo:
I want you to hold me. Oh, hold me closer! Closer! Closer!

Hackenbush:
If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of ya!

Mrs. Upjohn:
Dr. Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side.

Steinberg:
There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met.

Hackenbush:
You don't look like as though you ever met a healthy woman.