A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

Hero:
Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus:
Be the first. Start a fashion.

Lycus:
If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

Domina's Mother:
Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

Domina:
But Mother, what can I do?

Domina's Mother:
Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go! [whips Dominia]

Domina:
A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!

Senex:
Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...

Domina:
That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Hysterium:
Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Senex:
Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Hysterium:
I live to grovel.

Hysterium:
Rather than let you down, I would die.

Domina:
That is what I had in mind.

Pseudolus:
An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

Senex:
A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Pseudolus:
I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

Hysterium:
[He's dressed in women's clothing] My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

Pseudolus:
Your father is alive.

Hysterium:
Well... this will kill him.

Erronius:
My daughter, a eunuch?

Hero:
Hysterium, this is Philia.

Hysterium:
Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

Lycus:
Is it contagious?

Pseudolus:
Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

Miles Gloriosus:
Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.

Miles Gloriosus:
Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

Pseudolus:
Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Miles Gloriosus:
What is she like?

Pseudolus:
A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

Miles Gloriosus:
As magnificent as that?

Miles Gloriosus:
You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.

Philia:
That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

Pseudolus:
He raped Thrace?

Philia:
And then he came and did it again! And then again!

Pseudolus:
He raped Thrace thrice?

Pseudolus:
We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

Hysterium:
Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

Pseudolus:
He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

Hysterium:
Uh - what about HIS body?

Pseudolus:
Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead? [He covers his eyes with his hand]

Hysterium:
[sadly] I wish *I* was.

[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]

Domina:
Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.

[Examining a wine bottle]

Pseudolus:
Was 1 a good year?

Roman Sentry:
It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.

Pseudolus:
You must never know what goes on in that house.

Hero:
But I do know.

Pseudolus:
You do? Isn't it amazing.

Pseudolus:
Wait!

Hero:
Yes?

Pseudolus:
A brilliant idea!

Hero:
Yes!

Pseudolus:
That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Hero:
For us there will never be happiness.

Philia:
We must learn to be happy without it.

Pseudolus:
[referring to Hero's being alone with Philia] What can happen in an hour or two?

Hysterium:
At his age, the mind boggles!

Pseudolus:
[disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.

Erronius:
How did you know?

Pseudolus:
I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

Miles Gloriosus:
I cannot afford to offend the gods.

Pseudolus:
Who can?

Senex:
Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

Pseudolus:
[to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

Miles Gloriosus:
[notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!

Pseudolus:
[suddenly filled with dread] It's time.

Miles Gloriosus:
[shouting] Stand aside everyone! [pause] I take large steps.

Pseudolus:
Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

Lycus:
I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Crassus:
Who?

Lycus:
The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!

Crassus:
Oh, Pseudolus.

Pseudolus:
Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

Hysterium:
One of us isn't ready yet.

Lycus:
She was sold just this morning.

Hero:
Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade! [tries to stab himself and misses]

Pseudolus:
[takes the blade] Behave yourself!

Lycus:
[resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.

Hero:
Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade! [takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]

Pseudolus:
Put your bosom away!

Hysterium:
How dare you call me a eunuch?

Pseudolus:
You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

Miles Gloriosus:
[about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.

Pseudolus:
Of course! [kisses him]

Miles Gloriosus:
Not you!

Miles Gloriosus:
Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding - and some slow executions!

Hysterium:
Pseudolus...

Pseudolus:
I'm Lycus!

Hysterium:
But, Pseudolus...

Pseudolus:
I'm Lycus!

Hysterium:
But, Pseudolus - !

Pseudolus:
I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

Hysterium:
Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!

Pseudolus:
[seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia] Sir! You're back!

Senex:
She almost broke it!

Lycus:
This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens. [Exits scene, returns] A new god, but a very hard worker.

Pseudolus:
[Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves] A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

Hero:
Is that bad?

Pseudolus:
There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!

[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]

Fertilla:
My man has come for me!

Pseudolus:
Good. Where is he?

Pseudolus:
[talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!

Pseudolus:
[He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.

Erronius:
These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see...