A Guide for the Married Man

Ed Stander:
Basic Principle number one: Never, NEVER say you'll be where you can be found not to be.

Ed Stander:
Basic principle number one - never say you'll be where you can be proved not to be.

Paul Manning:
Boy oh boy it just gets more complicated.

Ed Stander:
Protecting your loved ones is hard work.

Paul Manning:
Do all married guys do it Ed?

Ed Stander:
No, maybe there comes a time in every marriage when a guy considers it but not all of them give in to it, only 43%. Which I think is about to go up to 44%.

Paul Manning:
That's the trouble with Ruth, she's such a wonderful wife.

Ed Stander:
Look Paul, if you care enough for your wife you can always find something about her you can't stand.

Paul Manning:
[to wife] Well if you think I'm going to stick about here just watching you be cheerful you've got another think coming!

Technical Adviser:
[after losing her bra in "the heat of battle"] It's all right, Tiger. I've got another one at home.

Technical Adviser:
That is not what's worrying me. What is worrying me is my wife coming home and finding it.

Technical Adviser:
She'll just think it's hers.

Technical Adviser:
Don't be ridiculous.

Ed Stander:
Deny, Deny, Deny!

Technical Adviser:
Joe?

Technical Adviser:
Yeah. Hi, baby.

Technical Adviser:
Hi, honey.

Technical Adviser:
How are the kids?

Technical Adviser:
Fine.

Technical Adviser:
Good. What's for dinner?

Technical Adviser:
Chicken.

Technical Adviser:
Chicken? We just had that two days ago.

Technical Adviser:
No, that was last Thursday we had chicken.

Technical Adviser:
Are you calling me a liar?

Technical Adviser:
No, honey...

Technical Adviser:
A man kills himself working for his wife and family all day long. What does he get when he gets home? Chicken and insults!

Technical Adviser:
Honey!

Technical Adviser:
Well, it's not bad enough we have chicken every day...

Technical Adviser:
We do not have chicken every day!

Technical Adviser:
Why don't you learn how to cook something else for a change?

Technical Adviser:
I do. Yesterday we had pot roast.

Technical Adviser:
Pot roast? It tasted more like the pot than the roast.

Technical Adviser:
Are you complaining about my cooking?

Technical Adviser:
Yes.

Technical Adviser:
Well, if you don't like it why don't you go someplace else?

Technical Adviser:
All right, I will!

Technical Adviser:
All right, go ahead!

Technical Adviser:
Baby, I'm sorry.

Technical Adviser:
Well, you ought to be.

Technical Adviser:
Yeah, yeah, I feel terrible, baby. I don't know why you put up with me.

Technical Adviser:
Neither do I. Did you eat?

Technical Adviser:
Yeah, I caught a hamburger in some joint, then I sort of just drove around. I feel terrible, honey.

Technical Adviser:
Well, maybe we do have chicken a little too often.

Technical Adviser:
No, honey, it's not that. It's just this crazy temper of mine. I don't know why I keep taking it out on you.

Technical Adviser:
Maybe that's what a wife is for.

Technical Adviser:
No, honey - I love your chicken.

Technical Adviser:
Really, honey?

Technical Adviser:
Most of all I love you, honey.

Technical Adviser:
I love you, honey.

Technical Adviser:
See you tonight, baby.