A Hard Day's Night

George:
That's not your grandfather.

Paul:
It is, you know.

George:
But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.

Paul:
Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather, as well.

John:
How do you reckon that one out?

Paul:
Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they?

Grandfather:
Hullo.

John:
He can talk then, can he?

Paul:
'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he?

Ringo:
Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!

Man on train:
Don't take that tone with me young man. I fought the war for your sort.

Ringo:
I bet you're sorry you won.

Man On Train:
I shall call the guard.

Paul:
Ah, but what? They don't take kindly to insults you know.

George:
What's the matter with you, then?

Ringo:
It's his grandfather. I can tell he doesn't like me. It's cause I'm little.

George:
Ah, you've got an inferiority complex, you have.

Ringo:
Yeah, I know, that's why I play the drums - it's me active compensatory factor.

Norm:
The place is surging with girls.

John:
Please sir, sir, can I have one to surge me sir, please sir?

Norm:
No, you can't!

Grandfather:
It's your nose you know. Fans are funny that way, they take a dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose.

Ringo:
Aw... you pick on your own.

John:
Must have cost you a fortune in stamps Ringo.

George:
He comes from a large family.

Ringo:
Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?

George:
Nah!

Paul:
Don't be soft!

George:
He's right you know

John:
There you go.

George:
Honestly! Me mind boggles at the very idea, a grown man and you haven't shaved with a safety razor.

Shake:
It's not my fault. I come from a long line of electricians.

Reporter:
How did you find America?

John:
Turned left at Greenland.

Reporter:
Has success changed your life?

George:
Yes.

Reporter:
Are you a mod, or a rocker?

Ringo:
Um, no. I'm a mocker.

Reporter:
Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?

Ringo:
Well, this one has. You know, it's stuck on good and proper now.

Reporter:
What would you call that hairstyle you're wearing?

George:
Arthur.

Reporter:
What do you call that collar?

Ringo:
A collar.

Reporter:
Do you often see you father?

Paul:
No, actually were just close friends.

Ringo:
There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois cliches.

George:
He's very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.

T.V. Director:
Get me a bottle of milk and some tranquilizers. I see it all now... It's a plot... a plot.

George:
Sorry we hurt your field mister.

Shake:
It's not my fault.

Norm:
What?

Shake:
I'm not taller than you. You're shorter than I am.

John:
I bet he hasn't even got a wife. Look at his sweater.

Paul:
You never know, she might have knitted it.

John:
She knitted him.

John:
Standin' about, eh? Some people have it dead easy.

Norm:
Shake, take that wig off! It suits you.

Norm:
Ringo, what are you up to?

Ringo:
Page five!

Paul:
Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt... Zap!

George:
Hey, you won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of me personality, will you madam?

Grandfather:
I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery. But so far I've been in a train and a room, a car and a room, and a room and a room.

John:
We know how to behave! We've had lessons.

George:
Hey, do you know what happened to me?

Ringo:
No I don't.

Norm:
God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.

John:
Control yourself. You'll spurt.

Police Inspector:
What's his name?

Ringo:
Well, if you're gonna get technical about it.

T.V. Director:
You don't know what this means to me. If you hadn't come back it would have meant... the epilogue or the news... in Welsh... for life!

George:
Aye, but don't rush. None of your five bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.

Paul:
What's that supposed to mean?

George:
I don't know, I just thought that it sounded distinguished-like.

Ringo:
I'm going out parading before it's too late!

Shake:
Well, he just asked if he could have those photos, and Norm said no and I said, "Well why don't you be big about it?"

Paul:
Yeah, and?

Norm:
And your grandfather pointed out that shake was always being taller than me just to spite me.

T.V. Director:
We are on in twenty minutes.

George:
Can I say something?

T.V. Director:
What?

George:
I don't think it's very likely that we will go on. The law of averages is against it.

Norm:
Stop being taller than me!

Shake:
I can't help it.

Norm:
This is a battle of nerves between John and me.

Shake:
John hasn't got any.

Norm:
Any what?

Shake:
Nerves.

Norm:
That's the trouble. I've toyed with the idea of a ball and chain, but he'd probably just rattle them at me, and in public, too.

John:
Hey he's reading the Queen... that's an in joke, you know.

John:
You're a swine.

Norm:
I just have one thing to say to you, John Lennon.

John:
What's that?

Norm:
You're a swine.

John:
You're just a lonely old man from Liverpool.

Grandfather:
But I'm clean.

John:
Are you?

Ringo:
Come in number seven, your time's up!

Grandfather:
Well, you got me here so do your worst, but by God, I'll take one of you with me! I know your game. Get me into that tiled room and then out come the rubber hoses!

Police Inspector:
Oh, there's a fire, is there?

Grandfather:
You ugly, great brute. You have sadism stamped all over your bloated British kisser!

Police Inspector:
Eh?

Grandfather:
I'll go on hunger strike! I know your caper. The kidney punch and the rabbit clout. The third degree and the size twelve boot ankle tap.

Police Inspector:
What's he on about?

Grandfather:
I'm a soldier for the Republic! You'll need the mahogany truncheons on this boyo.

Grandfather:
Have they roughed you up yet?

Ringo:
What?

Grandfather:
Oh, they're a desperate crew of drippings, and they've fists like mature hams for pounding poor defenseless lads like you. One of us has got to escape. I'll get the boys. Hold on, son, I'll be back here.

Ringo:
For me?

Grandfather:
And if they get you on the floor, watch out for your brisket.

Ringo:
They seem all right to me.

Grandfather:
Ah, sure, that's what they want you to think. All coppers are villains.

Police Inspector:
Would you two like a cup of tea?

Grandfather:
See, *sly* villains.

George:
Put yer tongue away, it looks disgustin hangin out, all pink and naked.

John:
We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go!

Paul:
Sorry for disturbing you, girls!

John:
I betchya can't guess what I was in for!

George:

John:

John:
He's Paul's grandfather.

John:
Hey, pardon me for asking, but who's the little old man?

Paul:
Uh, what little old man?

John:
That little old man.

Paul:
Oh, that one, that's my grandfather.

George:
Your grandfather?

Paul:
Yes.

George:
That's not your grandfather.

Paul:
It is, you know.

George:
But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.

Paul:
Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather as well.

John:
How do you reckon that one out?

Paul:
Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they, and he's my other one.

John:
We know that. But what's he doing here?

Paul:
Well, my mother thought the trip would do him good.

Ringo:
How's that?

Paul:
He's nursing a broken heart.

John:
[cheerfully] 'Ello, grandfather!

Paul's Grandfather:
Hello.

John:
He can talk, then, can he?

Paul:
Of course, he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he?

Ringo:
Well if he's your grandfather, who knows? [chuckles awkwardly]

John:
And we're looking after him, are we?

Paul's Grandfather:
I'll look after meself!

Paul:
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

John:
He's got you worried, then?

Paul:
Him? He's a villain. A real mixer. And he'll cost you a fortune in Breach of Promise cases.

John:
Gerron!

Paul:
No, straight up!

Norm:
Are you listening to me, Lennon?

John:
[Playing around with a bottle of Coke] You're a swine. Ain't he George?

George:
Yeah, a swine.

Norm:
Thanks. [Sees Paul's grandfather] Hey...

Beatles:
WHO'S THAT LITTLE OLD MAN?

Norm:
Well, who is he?

Ringo:
He belongs to Paul.

Norm:
Oh, well.

Man:
Don't take that tone with me, young man. I fought the war for your sort.

Ringo:
I bet you're sorry you won.

Man:
I shall call the guard!

Paul:
Ah, but what? They don't take kindly to insults you know. Ah, come on, you lot. Let's get a cup of coffee and leave the kennel to Lassie.

Ringo:
I don't snore!

George:
You do, repeatedly!

Ringo:
Do I snore, John?

John:
Yeah, you're a window rattler, son.

Ringo:
That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?

Paul:
With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't.

Grandfather:
Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted.

Paul:
Ah, come off it, it's only a joke!

Grandfather:
Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And the poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!

Ringo:
Hey, any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?

John:
Nah.

George:
Don't be soft!

Ringo:
Well, somebody did.

George:
He's right, you know.

John:
There ya go.

T.V. Director:
[Approaches the Beatles] Now, look. If you think I'm unsuitable, let's have it out in the open. I can't stand these backstage politics.

John:
Aren't you turning to black-and-white the situation somewhat?

T.V. Director:
Well, quite honestly, I wasn't expecting a musical arranger to question my ability, picture-wise.

John:
[To the others] I could listen to him for hours.

[John walks towards some stairs, a woman, Millie, notices him]

Millie:
Hello!

John:
Hello.

Millie:
Oh, no, wait! You are-

John:
I'm not.

Millie:
Yes, you are, I know you are!

John:
I'm not, no.

Millie:
You look just like him.

John:
Do I? You're the first one that's said that, ever.

Millie:
Yes, you do, look! [Shines an overhead light to a mirror on the wall for John to look at]

John:
[After looking in the mirror] Nah, my eyes are lighter. See, me nose...

Millie:
No, I think your nose is very...

John:
Is it?

Millie:
Well, I would have said so.

John:
You know him better, though.

Millie:
I do not. He's only a casual aquaintance.

John:
That's what you say.

Millie:
What have you heard.

John:
[Whispers in her ear] It's all over the place.

Millie:
Is it? Is it really?

John:
Mmmhmm. But I wouldn´t have it. I stuck up for you.

Millie:
I knew I could rely on you.

John:
Thanks.

Millie:
[Looks at John with her glasses, then nods] You don't look like him at all.

[John shyly nods, puts his hat on and walks up the stairs, briefly looking back]

John:
She looks more like him than I do.

Man:
I suppose you realize this is private property!

George:
Sorry we hurt your field, Mister!

Simon Marshall:
We'd like you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.

George:
Oh, by all means. I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.

Simon Marshall:
Well, not your real opinion, naturally. It'll be written out, and you'll learn it. Can he read?

George:
'Course I can.

Simon Marshall:
I mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?

George:
Well, I'll have a bash.

Simon Marshall:
Good. Give him whatever it is they drink, uh, Coke-a-rama?

George:
Ta.

Simon Marshall:
Well, at least he's polite. Show him the shirts, Adrian. [Adrian, Simon's assistant, hands George some shirts] Now, you'll like these. You'll really "dig" them. They're "fab," and all the other pimply hyperboles.

George:
[Gives the shirts to Dolly, the secretary, unimpressed] I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty.

Simon Marshall:
"Grotty"?

George:
Yeah, grotesque.

Simon Marshall:
[To Dolly] Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. It's rather touching, really. Here's this kid, trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion, when I know for a fact that within a month, he'll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status, because he isn't wearing one of these nasty things! Of course they're grotty, you wretched nit. That's why they were designed! But that's what you'll want.

George:
I won't.

Simon Marshall:
You can be replaced, chickie baby.

George:
I don't care.

Simon Marshall:
And that pose is out too, Sonny Jim. The new thing is to care passionately and be right-wing. Anyway, if you don't cooperate, you won't meet Susan.

George:
And who's this Susan when she's at home?

Simon Marshall:
Only Susan Canby, our resident teenager. You'll have to love her, she's your symbol.

George:
Oh, you mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?

Simon Marshall:
I beg your pardon?

George:
Oh, yeah. The lads frequently sit 'round the television and watch her for a giggle. In fact, once, we all sat down and wrote these letters, saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.

Simon Marshall:
She's a trendsetter. It's her profession!

George:
She's a drag - a well-known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.

Simon Marshall:
[horrified] Get him out of here...

George:
Have I said something amiss?

Simon Marshall:
Get him out! He's knocking the program's image!

George:
Sorry about the shirts!

Simon Marshall:
Get him out!

Norm:
Leave him alone, John. Or I'll tell them all the truth about you.

John:
You wouldn't.

Norm:
Oh, I would, though.

Ringo:
I demand to see my soliciter!

Constable:
Oh, what's his name?

Ringo:
Well, if you want to be technical about it...

Paul:
Split up and look for him!

John:
Right.

John:
We've become a limited company!

Norm:
Now, listen, I've got one thing I'm gonna say to you, Lennon!

John:
What's that?

Norm:
[Adopts Liverpudlian accent] You're a swine.

[Ringo has gone missing.]

Paul:
Split up and look for him.

John:
Right.

[Paul goes one way, John and George follow him. Paul turns around, sees them right behind him.]

John:
We've become a limited company.

Paul:
If you lost him I'll cripple ya!

John:
[In a female voice] I now declare this bridge open.

John:
He's sex obsessed. The older generation is leading this country to galloping ruin.

John:
[Wearing a beard, looking into a mirror] My name's Betty.

Paul:
Mister, can we have our ball back?

Paul:
I like to keep Britain tidy.

Paul:
No, actually, we're just good friends.

Shake:
[Trying to follow the Beatles into a casino, past a security guard] I'm with them. I'm, uh, Ringo's sister.