A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa

Miss Piggy:
How long does it take to mail a stinking letter?

Kermit the Frog:
Piggy, you have to be patient.

Miss Piggy:
Well, I'm going to talk to the mayor.

Michael Bloomberg:
Yes, Miss Piggy?

Miss Piggy:
Oh, Mayor Bloomberg! Take me to the front of this line.

Michael Bloomberg:
Sorry, Miss Piggy, but that would be rude, and one thing New York is known for is niceness.

Miss Piggy:
What has he done to this city?

Claire's Mom:
Look what I found.

The Great Gonzo:
What's that?

Claire's Mom:
It's an inflatable Santa. Can someone help me blow it up?

Crazy Harry:
Did someone say "blow it up"? [Detonates explosives]

Claire's Mom:
That's why you have to choose your words carefully around here.

Kermit the Frog:
This post office is going postal!

Waldorf:
[as the Muppets are dropped off by the postman] Look at what the post office sent.

Statler:
Yeah. Return to sender!

Mobster:
Hey, it's that looney shrimp that called us earlier.

Pepe the Prawn:
They call me the Prawn.

Mobster:
Hey! Are you correcting my friend over here? Because if you are, I'm gonna dip you in cocktail sauce and bite your tasty little head off!

Pepe the Prawn:
Shrimp is fine.

Miss Piggy:
Kermit, if you really want to go to the North Pole, then go ahead.

Kermit the Frog:
Oh, thank you, Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
And do me a favor. When you get there... stay there!

Pepe the Prawn:
We'd love to help you take those letters to Santa.

Rizzo the Rat:
But our flying unicorns are at the shop.

Joy:
Welcome to North Pole Airlines. We have more flights to the North Pole than any other airline: one.

Fozzie Bear:
Hey, guys, here's a joke for ya. Who delivers presents to baby sharks? Santa Jaws! [Alarm goes off]

Bobo the Bear:
All right, step aside. Did you know that telling jokes at an airport terminal is a federal offense? Especially jokes that are that bad.

Fozzie Bear:
Well, if you didn't like that one, I've got a hundred more. [takes out index cards]

Bobo the Bear:
He's got cards! [Tackles Fozzie]

Statler:
This is my favorite Christmas tradition.

Waldorf:
Carolers?

Statler:
No, heckling them! [both laugh] Hey, how about you do Silent Night?

Waldorf:
Not sing it, just stay silent all night!