A Touch of Frost

[Contractors' signs outside derelict houses]

Frost:
"Gas off". "Water off". "Electricity off". All that's missing is "Sod off"!

Frost:
Yeah, well, I just wish Horn-rimmed Harry would be a little more choosy about his jargon. I mean anyone who spends all day with their pen stuck up their a-aah, there you are, sir!

Desk Sgt.:
Mr Mullet wants to see you as soon as you come in.

Frost:
I'll let you know when that is.

Frost:
I went to London once, to see the Queen. She was a bit smaller than I imagined, but as we both know size isn't everything.

Frost:
I'd like to stay and talk, but I've got to be in church in ten minutes.

Frost:
Why don't you get a television like everyone else?

Supt. Mullett:
One of these days you'll realize you need more than your well-known intuition in order to get results.

Frost:
I used more than my well-known intuition, sir, at least in one of the cases I did - I used my charm.

[pause]

Frost:
It's a joke, sir, don't bother to work it out.

[on Mullett's orders to catch graveyard vandals]

Frost:
I've only got three blokes who can barely stand up, let alone chase a box of black magic!

[examining murder victim]

Dr McKenzie:
I'd guess from the obstruction in his throat that he probably choked on his own vomit.

Frost:
Better than choking on someone else's vomit, I suppose.

Supt. Mullett:
I've had a telephone call from the vicar of St. Paul's. He's very concerned about this outbreak of vandalism in the old churchyard.

Frost:
I'm not surprised, sir. It's a very grave business.

Frost:
No, it's not him. He's too stupid.

Supt. Mullett:
[on radio] Although it's only a matter of some three days since the girl's body was discovered in the church crypt, my officers have been working around the clock to bring the perpetrator of this appalling crime to justice, and I can assure your listeners that an arrest will be made very shortly.

Frost:
[listening at home] Oh, yeah?

Frost:
Were any of the others here on Sunday? Children? And a simple yes or no will do, Annie. I don't want a bloody lecture!

Frost:
Times are hard, Clive, my son. Try and be a bit more charitable. You sell what you got available. Tell you what, though, she's nicked my bloody fags! Should have turned right there, by the way. Didn't I say?

[Frost's wife has just died]

Frost:
The other night I sat there. All night I sat there, trying to feel something. She was my wife, and she was dying, and I couldn't feel anything for her. Things started to go wrong for us God knows how many years ago. When we found out she couldn't have kids, I don't know, she just changed. We changed. She suddenly became all house proud. Everything had to be clean and neat and tidy. Well, you've only got to take one look at me. With my job. I'm a street copper, that's where I belong. But that wasn't good enough for her now. She wanted me to go for promotion, to be ambitious, to make something of myself. She wanted something to be proud of, you see. And what the poor cow got was me. She came to despise me in the end. I know she did. I used to dread going home, to see that look of disappointment in her face. So I stopped going home. You know, it was any excuse. Anyway, I, uh... I met someone else. When don't you? I made up my mind to leave her. On the very day that I plucked up the courage to tell her, her doctor phoned me at the station. "She's got cancer. Eighteen months to live", so they reckon. She always had trouble with her stomach. She thought it was nerves, or one thing or another. Anyway, she wanted to know. She hoped she could cope. She went to pieces. She clung to me for the first time in years, her whole body shaking. "You will look after me, Billy? You will look after me, Billy? You'll look after me, won't you?" I said, of course I'll look after you. Of course I'll stay and take care of you. I went out and I got so drunk, and I was still drunk when this call came through about this nutter with a gun. And before they could stop me, I was moving in on him. Do you know what I was thinking? All I was thinking was, "Go on, you bugger, shoot me. 'Cause I don't give a damn one way or the other." And for this outstanding act of heroism, I got a medal. I think that was the happiest day of her life, you know. She was standing next to me in my top hat at Buckingham Palace. At last I'd done something to make her proud of me. And I wasn't even there when she died. She would have liked that. "You even let me down on that, Billy. Can't trust you to do anything."

DS George Toolan:
Mr Mullett's in a flap!

Frost:
I know! I'm still pulling feathers out of my hair!

[Frost has rushed to a river to rescue a teenage boy]

Supt. Mullett:
Don't, Jack - You'll drown!

Frost:
Yes, anything to please you, sir!

DI Frost:
[Self-reproaching] All I did was use that poor little girl like I use everyone... for the sake of the job. This poxy job is all I got.

DI Frost:
[Introducing Tanner to his office] Let's have a quick rundown on the filing system, shall we? [Pointing out three piles of papers] In... out... LBW

DC Carl Tanner:
LBW?

DI Frost:
Let the buggers wait!

D.C.I. Allen:
All you got is the uncorroburated word of a three year old.

DI Frost:
Then I'll corroborate it.

DI Frost:
Sandy, you're in the finest traditions of journalism. You know, I've always saidthis about you... you never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

P.C. Ernie Trigg:
You got a minute?

DI Frost:
[Sardonically] Decades.

Supt. Mullett:
I think I might call a press conference to take the heat out of the situation.

DI Frost:
[Sarcastically] The fire department's already done that.

[Frost is questioning a pharmaceutical worker and has toothache. The worker notices, and puts some pills into an envelope]

Tristate Pharmaceutical Worker:
My private reserve. Don't do anything stupid with them.

[Frost takes one out and looks at it. It is very big, about the size of a pound coin]

Frost:
What, like try to swallow one?

Dentist:
[Frost is in obvious pain in the dentist's chair] It's the little vices that cause us the most pain.

Frost:
[His mouth full] Unh-huh, yeah.

Dentist:
I'm forever parking in the wrong place.

Dentist:
[With a sadistic tone] Toffee lollipops are a bit like parking tickets.

Frost:
Are they?

Dentist:
[Obviously enjoying Frost's discomfort] Stick like hell...

Frost:
Yeah.

Dentist:
...and a bugger to get off sometimes.

Frost:
[In pain] Uh, oh, oh, I suppose.

Frost:
Right, Doc, what have we got here?

Dr McKenzie:
A dismembered corpse, Inspector.

Frost:
[Sarcastically] Oh, well, not the kind of thing you want to find in your fridge when you come home from the holidays, is it, Doc?

D.S. Lawson:
What are you going to do?

Frost:
Me? Well, sewer rats come out at night, and there's one particular rat I want to get hold of before he goes down his hole.

Frost:
He was a bigamist all right, I suppose. Just thinking about it makes me tired.

Frost:
When in doubt, shout. It scares the horses. Bring Dr. Knight in for questioning.

Dr McKenzie:
[to Mullet after he's been reinstated] I suppose I should be getting back to the outlaws and sundry scum of Denton who'll be wanting my undivided attention.

Dentist:
[to Frost about the damage caused by the lollipop] It's the little vices that cause us the most pain.

Supt Mullett:
I've had the press calling me non-stop. Having a demented killer on the loose is doing us no good at all.

Frost:
Mmm, that's true. Not much fun for the victims either, is it?

Frost:
[to Toolan a thy are walking through the junkyard with thousands of discarded refrigerators] Pyaw! Uh, it's like an elephants' graveyard here! What's this all about?

Amanda Chase:
There's no sign of drug or alcohol abuse.

Frost:
Oh. so he died from boredom, did he?

D.I. Frost:
Billy likes playin' with children then, does he?

Dave Conrad:
The children take him at face value. A lot of people can't do that.

Mrs. Tenant:
What I do know is, the less the mentally handicapped expect from life, the easier their lives are. The less they have to do with sex, the better.

D.I. Frost:
[Walking out the door] No different than you and me really, Mrs. Tenant. Thank you for your help.

Dr. McKenzie:
[to Frost] I'm a police surgeon, not a bloody smorgasbord waiter!

DI Jack Frost:
Well done, Reid! I love it when I'm right!

DI Jack Frost:
Coincidences like this I don't like.

Supt. Mullett:
Of course, the irony of it all is that if the girl's mother had been twenty minutes earlier, that body probably would have remained in those woods for another thirty years.

Frost:
That's the first thing that struck me, sir, is the irony of it all. I remember saying to DC Barnard as they carted Powell and his wife off to the morgue..."How ironic", I said.

Frost:
[to Barnard] A word of advice, son - well, two words. One, never tell Mr. Mullett that I'm in the office; and, two, never wear a suit that you wouldn't be happy letting a drunk be sick over.

Dr. McKenzie:
[Sarcastically examining the skeletal hand they've found] You called me a little late, I'm afraid. An hour earlier I could have saved him.

Frost:
Hmmm... I know - I tried to give him the kiss of life, but he stuck his fingers up my nose.

Frost:
Well, you can't keep anything hidden, at least not forever.

[sarcastically, to Mullett, talking about the slow progress of the investigations in to the missing girl, the skeleton and missing money]

Frost:
Just dwell on the thought: in a couple of weeks' time, Detective Inspector Allen will be back. Which means the girl will be miraculously found alive and well; the skeleton will walk into the nick, bringing with it the missing ?40,000 and brandishing a signed confession to the murder of Garwood; rain will stop; poverty will vanish; and peace will break out all over the world. In the meantime, yours truly will attempt to stick his fingers up the dyke as per.

[Frost's wife has just died; Frost is having a drink with Shirley who nursed her to the end]

Frost:
The other night I sat there. All night I sat there. Trying to feel something. She was my wife and she was dying and I couldn't feel anything for her. Things started to go wrong for us, God knows how many years ago. When we found out she couldn't have kids, overnight she just changed. We changed. She suddenly became all house-proud: everything had to be clean and neat and tidy. Well, you only have to take one look at me. My job. I'm a street copper - it's where I belong. That wasn't good enough for her now. She wanted me to go for promotion - be ambitious, to make something of myself. She wanted something to be proud of, you see. All the poor cow got was me. She came to despise me in the end - I know she did. I used to dread going home, to see that look of disappointment on her face. So I stopped going home - you know, it was any excuse. Anyway, I, er... I met someone else. When don't you? I made up my mind to leave her. On the very day that I plucked up courage to tell her, the doctor phoned me at the station - she'd got cancer. Eighteen months to live, so they reckoned. She always had trouble with her stomach - thought it was nerves. Anyway, she wanted to know. She thought she could cope. She went to pieces. She clung to me for the first time in years, her whole body shaking. "You will look after me, Billy." I said "Course I'll look after you. Course I'll stay and take care of you." I went out and I got so drunk, I was still drunk when the call came though about this nutter with a gun. And before they could stop me, I was moving in on him. All I was thinking was "Go on you bugger. Shoot me. Cos I don't give a damn one way or the other." And for this act of outstanding heroism, I got a medal. It was the happiest day of her life. She was standing next to me in my top hat at Buckingham Palace. At last I'd done something to make her proud of me. And I wasn't even there when she died. She would have liked that: "You even let me down on that, Billy. I can't trust you to do anything."

Dr. McKenzie:
There's one odd thing.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Odd? That's what I like!

Frost:
This is Detective Constable Webster, and he thinks gambling's a mug's game.

Phyllis Bowman:
Oh, yeah, well as you can see, I've really suffered.

Frost:
Yeah. Worst thing that could have happened to you, wasn't it, Phyllis? The old man having a heart attack and popping off like that.

Phyllis Bowman:
The medical profession was dumbfounded, and that was just the private sector. He had the body of a twenty-year-old.

Frost:
Mmm, a bit too often, by all accounts.

Phyllis Bowman:
You know the story, I've been robbed.

Frost:
Yeah, sad. Isn't that sad, Constable?

Stella Massie:
Oh, come now, Inspector! Twice in the past...

Frost:
Twice in the past, your son has been charged with reckless driving. And twice in the past, he's got away with it- Sorry, he's been proved not guilty.

Stella Massie:
He *was* not guilty.

Frost:
And if he's not guilty this time, I shall be the first one to give him a lollipop.

[Frost shows his ID to the doorman at Phyllis Bowman's gambling club]

Frost:
[sarcastically] Armenian Express! Tell Mrs. Bowman the Sheriff of Nottingham has arrived.

Frost:
[Referring to a photo of Massie and his mother] Here's him with Mummy.

Frost:
[Sarcastically] If you look, you can still see the umbilical cord.

Frost:
[Rhetorically] Who knows what goes through your mind when you blow someone's head off?

Frost:
You know what I think, Miss... ?

Sophie:
...Hamilton.

Frost:
Hamilton, I've got this theory - for every bit of bad luck you get compensated by a bit of good.

Sophie:
[Disinterested] Is that what they call lateral thinking?

Frost:
How'd you like me to buy you a cheeseburger?

Sophie:
Yuck! [She walks away]

Frost:
You change your tune more times than a Barry Manilow recording!

[PC Wallace has admitted that PC Shelby had chatted her up several times and offered to show her his "special photos" of previous women he had slept with]

Frost:
A lousy copper, a pervert, but not a thief. Not too bad an epitaph, is it, Constable?

Dr. Mckenzie:
And it looks like he choked on his own vomit?

Insp. Jack Frost:
Well better than choking on someone else's vomit.

Dr. Mckenzie:
And it appears that his underpants were put on backwards

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Surprised] Backwards?

Dr. Mckenzie:
Yes Inspector. Back to front.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Makes it a bit tricky after a curry that.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[On leaving a strip club after speaking to one of the foreign Dancers] Oh, by the way. Where do you come from?

Dancer:
Ruislip and before that Warsaw.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Oh? So you're a proper Pole Dancer then.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Walking into his office and meeting his new partner] You are either a tailor's dummy, or you are Speedy Fitz-Tranter, and you're sitting in my chair!

Insp. Jack Frost:
Did you study electronics at university?

D.C. Tranter:
No, sir, geography actually.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Really? Well, that's very handy, because you'll be able to get to the canteen and get me a bacon and egg sandwich. Chop-chop.

Edward D'arblay:
You don't want to get involved with things you don't know about. Trust me.

Heather Wills:
Trust the man who persuaded me to go on the game for my eighteenth birthday? I don't think so!

Julie Brown:
[Questioning his enrollment in the exercise program] Why are you really doing this?

Insp. Jack Frost:
Well, I thought it might be rather ice to hear the sound of heavy breathing once again.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Look, just get me the cheapest. Thank you. [He's given another pair of sneakers] How much are these?

Kenny:
30.

Insp. Jack Frost:
That's more like it.

Kenny:
They're unique.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Unique? Why do you say that?

Kenny:
Because you're the only person that's ever bought a pair.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Looking at the photos on the office wall] Are all these greyhounds yours?

Edward D'arblay:
Not that it's any of your business, but yes.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Annoyed] Everything is my business. [shouting] I'm conducting a murder inquiry!

Stephen Richford:
[Shocked that Heather's turned to prostitution] Why are you doing this?

Heather Wills:
I need the money.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[to Tranter] Don't call me 'sir.' 'Guv' will do.

[DS Toolan has discovered the body of a clown wearing a red nose, a red wig and white make-up]

Insp Jack Frost:
Who the hell is that?

DS Toolan:
[reading the clown's badge] That's Charlie the Chuckling Clown.

Insp Jack Frost:
Well he ain't got much to laugh at now, has he?

[later, at the police station]

Supt Mullett:
Who would kill a clown?

Insp Jack Frost:
Oh, I dunno. Punch and Judy, maybe?

DS Annie Marsh:
You can't win them all... not every case.

Insp Jack Frost:
I can try.

Insp Jack Frost:
Even a clown has a mother and father,

D.I. Frost:
As you said, you're still alive, but the man who isn't you isn't so lucky.

D.I. Frost:
Fingerprints? Not a CID problem. No, I want to know who he is... was.

D.I. Frost:
Terrible thing... unmissed... unidentified. Yes, but suppose he isn't missing. see what you're sayin'? I mean to be missing. I mean think about it. You live and you die, and the difference doesn't affect a single person in the whole world. It's as if you hadn't been here in the first place

D.I. Frost:
I'm wondering if your lads are playin' out of their heads as well as out of their skins.

D.I. Frost:
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! Nasty things seem to be happenin' all over the place.

D.I. Frost:
I think that you two are the lowest forms of animal life I have ever met.

D.I. Frost:
[to Mullett] Oh, I'm a lucky man, sir. I get paid for bein' lucky.

[Frost is slowly and silently going through a suspect's records]

Gareth King:
Look, are you going to tell me what this is about or what?

Frost:
You're not under arrest, Mr. King. You're free to leave whenever you like.

[King gets up to leave]

Frost:
What time did you get back today?

D.S. Toolan:
[to Frost] Alleged assault on a first year student - Helen Tudor by name, stunning by nature. Brains, beauty, and modest with it. Just the sort you'd kill for.

Dr. Keith Michaelson:
[to Frost] To be precise because I wouldn't want to misinform you on what is clearly a crucial matter - water's not keen on me! My skin's allergic to chlorine and salt, which makes anything more watery than a shower a distinctly unpleasant experience... rather like being in the same room with you!

Sandy Longford:
If there was a faculty of Discreet Sexual Harrassment, Michaelson would be head of the department.

Sandy Longford:
[Having a drink at the bar] Are you willing to engage in casual sex?

Frost:
Not with you I'm not.

Sandy Longford:
Would you consider having an affair with a married man?

Frost:
Are you all right, Sandy, or what?

Sandy Longford:
Never better. [Motioning for them to sit down at a table] Spare a minute?

Frost:
I'm not sure I dare.

Supt. Mullett:
...and, Jack, can we stay one step ahead of the press from now on?

Frost:
Mrs. Jarvis, if your son is a fruitcake, I need to know about it.

Kiran Desai:
[Speaking about trafficking in rare animals] Well, they don't kill for the bushmeat to feed some poor starving tribe. It's for the ivory, the rhino horn, the jewelry, the aphrodisiacs. Every single inch of the tiger is used from its whiskers to its penis.

D.S. Toolan:
Our art teacher put himself out of it, lucky man. Chased the music teacher, bored housewives, long school holidays. Why did I join the police?

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Sardonically] Because you can't draw.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Picking up a white gavel from Edwards' desk] Oh, by the way, is this ivory?

Supt. Mullett:
[Defensively] It was a gift, Jack.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Sarcastically] Not from the elephant!

Supt. Mullett:
All right, just send young Presley there.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Oh, I can't. He's busy. He's got a body in the bed and a body in the croc.

Sgt. Brady:
Sir, are you sure we don't need backup?

Insp. Jack Frost:
No, no, our greatest weapon lies right here one inch beneath my nose.

Sgt. Brady:
Your mustache?

Insp. Jack Frost:
Mustache? Jerky sod!

Sgt. Brady:
We think your partners found out you and Lahn Luc were doin' a bit on the side. Who are they?

Kevin Flannagan:
I can't! They'll kill me!

Insp. Jack Frost:
Well, that's a chance I'm prepared to take.

Insp. Jack Frost:
There must be something. I mean he was beaten, eaten, and shot!

Insp. Jack Frost:
I won't be long.

Julie Brown:
Make sure you're not, Jack. I need an early night.

Insp. Jack Frost:
So do I, Julie. So do I.

Kevin Flannagan:
I want you to take me in for protection.

Insp. Jack Frost:
I can do better than that. I'm thinking of arresting you for murder and attempted murder. Will that do?

Colin Edwards:
I'd like to do a deal.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Do a deal? What do you think I am, a croupier or something?

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Walking through a truck trailer filled with cages of dead and dying rare animals and clearly upset by what he sees] Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. I mean, what is a dead tiger doing in the back of a lorry in Denton? I mean, who's got the right? We can still manufacture drugs for people to stick in their arms, but we can't manufacture any more of these, can we?

Insp. Jack Frost:
[Seeing the beautiful music teacher coaching fencing in the gym] Miss Haymarsh, is there no end to your talents?

D.I. Frost:
[Looking at the body of a victim who has jumped to her death from a parking garage] Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear! Such a mess on the pavement!

D.I. Frost:
Smells like murder to me... bloody murder!

D.I. Frost:
[Speaking about a dead gigolo] What I can't understand, though, is what did he get out of it? Apart from her pickin' up the bills, I mean. I mean, you know, young good-lookin' fella like that with a good body like that would want younger flesh, wouldn't he? What would he find in a middle-aged woman?

D.S. Prentice:
If I knew the answer to that, sir, I'd still be married.

Insp. Jack Frost:
I think if anything has happened to that little boy, we should cast off any pretense of civilization and bring back the death penalty.

[first lines]

Insp. Jack Frost:
It's Berland, right on time. That's his van, with the star attraction of some kind. How long should we give 'em?

Christine Moorhead:
Let them start. Ten minutes.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Right.

Supt Mullett:
It frightens me, Jack.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Hm?

Supt Mullett:
I won't pretend it doesn't. Times like this you're fortunate you don't have any children or grandchildren.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Oh, uh, well, there's always an up-side to every down-side, isn't it, so they say.

Carolyn Viner:
It's not just a mistake, is it?

Sally Berland:
If my husband says it's a mistake, it is. Haven't you got that yet?

Carolyn Viner:
What are you talking about?

Sally Berland:
The truth, as decided by Gerry.

Gerry Berland:
[to Sean and Neal as they just miss getting caught in a police raid] Well, boys, they say it's much better bein' born lucky than to be born rich.

Gerry Berland:
[to Sean] That's what friends are for, son, yeah? And you will find there's no shortage of people willing to swear that you were somewhere else.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[to Ernie] A coincidence! Coincidences make me uncomfortable - not as uncomfortable as remembering a mistake that cost a woman her life.

Sally Berland:
[to Carolyn] I've lived in Gery's world for a long time, and now we're all in it, Carolyn, and we do what he says.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[to Christine] For a man who spends his life asking questions, I choose the wrong one sometimes.

[first lines]

Insp. Jack Frost:
George! George! Come here! I suppose there is no doubt that it was arson.

D.S. Toolan:
Well, the Chief Fire Officer thinks so, yes.

Insp. Jack Frost:
Call me Jack, please.

Sophie Moorhead:
Is that your real name?

Insp. Jack Frost:
No, my real name is, uh, William, but, uh, don't tell your mother because she'll be using it.

Daffyd Mansell-Smith:
According to Darwin it's what a billion years of life is all about: survival of the bastards.

Insp. Jack Frost:
I can't tell you how many years I've been watching terrible things happen to people's children. And they always blame themselves. And too many times they're right to.

[last lines]

Insp. Jack Frost:
Denton police station has always been a refuge, as well as a job for me. Stopped my thinking about anything else. I don't think I feel that any more. And I often thought that I'd left it too late to be anything other than a policeman. Now I don't think that. George had a life that wasn't just about being a policeman. In fact I think it was most of his life. And I know that sometimes he felt sorry for me because I hadn't... You know I hadn't had what he had. But now, we've got a life to live. And we've got an awful lot to cram in. Come on, let's go.

Gerry Berland:
So listen up! Here's the scoop. There ar a lot of things that are difficult in this world, but you just have to deal with 'em. There's two kinds of people. There's scum and there's us. Scum do drugs. Nobody in my family goes near drugs!

Sean Berland:
You sell the bloody stuff!

Gerry Berland:
Yeah, but this is my business, Sean. Nobody questions me about that.

Insp. Jack Frost:
[to Salmond about giving information] Forget ethics. Think of survival.

[first lines]

DS Toolan:
[on mobile] OK, panic over. He's here.

Officer - offscreen:
Morning, Sir.

Insp Jack Frost:
Good morning.

DS Toolan:
Morning, Jack.

Insp Jack Frost:
Morning, George. What've we got?

DS Toolan:
Mass grave.

Insp Jack Frost:
How many?

DS Toolan:
Three. So far, anyway.

Insp Jack Frost:
Three! It's hardly a *mass* grave then, is it?

DS Toolan:
How many do you want?

Mr Patel:
[as Toolan starts to pay him] Mr Frost usually makes it sixty.

DS Toolan:
No, Mr Frost usually claims for sixty; Mr Frost usually gives you forty.

DS Toolan:
You're cutting things a bit fine, Jack.

Insp Jack Frost:
You can say that again. [finds recorder] Ah. You scared?

DS Toolan:
Me? No.

Insp Jack Frost:
I'm glad someone isn't.

[last lines]

DS Toolan:
I had no option but to let him go, Jack, believe me.

Insp Jack Frost:
No, I know; neither did I. But he has forgotten one or two little things.

DS Toolan:
Hm?

Insp Jack Frost:
Well... coroner's inquiry, they'll tear him apart, won't they. Limb from limb.

DS Toolan:
Who?

Insp Jack Frost:
Well, the press; who else? And even if they don't, they will after they receive a copy of this.

James Callum:
[on recorder] No witnesses. The perfect confessional.

Insp Jack Frost:
Sent anonymously, of course.

[last lines]

Assistant Chief Constable Anne Cremond:
Inspector, I can't find it easy to admit this, but I have to say...

DI Jack Frost:
I know what you're going to say, ma'am. If you'll excuse me, I could do with a bloody good cup of tea.

DI Jack Frost:
Corruption leaves a nasty taste, doesn't it? You never know where in starts and where it stops.

DI Jack Frost:
Once you get the scent of what human beings do to each other in your nostrils, you'll never get rid of it.

DI Jack Frost:
[Motioning toward the station house] If you go in there, you'll find sgt. Brady by the front desk. You cant miss him... he's the one with the dead cat.

Shirley Fisher:
You're still getting into trouble, Jack?

DI Jack Frost:
Why stop the habits of a lifetime?

[Frost and Shirley are having a blazing row]

Shirley Fisher:
You want the shoulder to cry on. You want the sex. But you don't want to give *anything* in return. You're scared.

DI Jack Frost:
[shouts] What the *hell* did you expect? What did you want? Me as I am? No? What then? Some nine-till-fiver who doesn't give a toss about his job? Someone who just wants to come home, go shopping and have a curry every Friday night? Did you think I've *ever* been that? Do think it's just lacking a good woman that keeps me working all hours? No. What's in here, Shirl, is what I am.

Shirley Fisher:
It is not just your job. I can handle that.

DI Jack Frost:
Can you? Can you? I wish *I* could!

Vicar Lucy Daniels:
I've got up the noses of most of my parishioners. I wouldn't lose any sleep if I got up yours, Mr. Frost.

Supt Mullett:
If you ever forget your mistakes, you're in the wrong job.

[first lines]

Supt Mullett:
Uh, ninety percent of the form consists of questions requiring a simple yes/no answer; uh, a, a tick in the box. I-i-it couldn't be simpler. [audience laughs] Where no answer is possible or the section is irrelevant, you simply jump to the next, um, next, uh, relevant question. Uh, now I know there may appear to be rather a lot of pages...

Insp Jack Frost:
This doesn't mean that we won't want to question you again, you and Mr Ray.

Jason Cohu:
All Josh did was keep watch. I didn't want him to be involved.

Insp Jack Frost:
He got involved the moment you decided to play policeman.

Jason Cohu:
Well, you know how it is, Inspector. You can never find one when you need one.

[last lines]

Insp Jack Frost:
There was just so much evidence. I should have had doubts. It's my job.

Supt Mullett:
When I was a constable I was called to a domestic. Husband and wife row. I asked the wife if she wanted to leave, but, uh, they'd made up. He said sorry; she seemed all right. I don't know if I saw fear in her eyes as I left or if I imagined it afterwards. She was dead the next day. Husband set the house on fire. I can still see her face. If you ever forget your mistakes, I think you're in the wrong job. I'll be here if you need a lift.

Supt. Mullett:
I won't have any investigation against the church that cannot be supported by a reasonable suspicion. A priest... You can't seriously suspect him.

Frost:
I'm not prejudiced. I'll suspect anyone. Anyway, you know what the old saying is, don't you. The closer the faith, the closer the Devil.

Frost:
Mullet's out there cluckin' like a mother hen.

D.S. Toolan:
[In his hospital bed] Oh, God! Don't let him in! Tell him I've died and gone to Heaven.

Frost:
Heaven is not going to be an option for the people the likes of you and I, George.

Frost:
If I don't get a cup of tea soon, the day will be unbearable.

Frost:
Why do you get involved in cases like this?

Martine Phillips:
It's my professional life, Inspector.

Frost:
What? Gettin' inside the head of a vicious killer?

Martine Phillips:
I suppose it's a bit like going down a dark alley without a torch.

Frost:
So you get a bit of a thrill out of it, do you?

Frost:
[Sarcastically referring to Sharpe's obvious attraction to Martine Phillips] Only I was wondering if it was your moody enigmatic personality with its scintilating wit that she fancied or whether it was something more basic like sex.

D.S. Sharpe:
It's sex, I hope.

Frost:
Oh, well, we all live in hope.

Frost:
I know he's tellin' porkies, and priests shouldn't do that.

Martine Phillips:
I think in this case the knifing's down to pure male anger and rage. Your killer is living an emotionally shut down life.

Frost:
That could apply to half the male population in the country.

Frost:
You don't know anything about goin' to church, do you?

D.S. Sharpe:
Weddings and funerals mostly. I've had the one and I'm waitin' for the other.

D.S. Toolan:
[to Frost] Your hand - it's really bad, is it?

Frost:
Yeah, well, you know, it's one of those things. When it happens, you don't feel a thing, and afterward it's just incessant pain.

D.S. Sharpe:
[Dryly] Like workin' for you then?

[to WPC Holland, a new recruit]

Frost:
Were you *born* cold-blooded? Or is there some sort of transfusion you can get on the NHS these days?

Shirley Fisher:
[to Frost] You can't handle sickness and death. Murder - okay, but not sickness and death.

Stella Boxley:
Just because we're loyal to each other, doesn't mean we have to be faithful. It's only sex, Kevin.

Constable:
[in a cautionary tone] Sir, shouldn't we wait for armed support?

D.I. Frost:
[Sarcastically, while continuing to walk into the crime scene] Good point.

[woman protesting she had nothing to do with her husband's death]

Frost:
I believe you. Or at least, I would have done had I not read the pathologist's report. Your husband suffered a severe blow to the back of the head, and according to the pathologist, he was unconscious *before* the fire started. So, apart from the imaginary Mr. Lawrence Tidyman, who else stood to gain by knocking your husband unconscious and leaving him to die in that fire? You think about it, Mrs. Compton!

Frost:
Do you know what gets right up my nose?

Sgt. Bill Wells:
[Dryly] Hey, hang on. I've got a list here somewhere. Hey, hang on.

Frost:
No, I tell you what gets right up my nose and that is people who go and live in America and after ten minutes end up talkin' like Katharine flippin' Hepburn. What's on? That's what I like about Scotch people, you know - emigrate all over the world as long as you like and still end up talkin' like Scotch people.

Frost:
[Sarcastically to Compton] Well, should we go inside, sir, or shall we have the interview al fresco?

Frost:
[Sarcastically to his co-workers] Cover up your animal's eyes and lock up your children - Mr. Mullett's makin' another one of his television appearances.

Frost:
[Sarcastically, to Mrs. Compton] You know what common people are like. Give us a drop of caviar and we're yellin' for rock salmon.

Frost:
Get on the radio to the station, son. Tell Sergeant Wells we've found a body in the churchyard.

[Frost's bossy sister-in-law has come over from America to attend his wife's funeral]

Marion:
You're not eating your broccoli.

Frost:
I don't like broccoli.

Marion:
It's good for you.

Frost:
Just so you know - I don't like anything green.

Marion:
Well what vegetables *do* you like?

Frost:
Grey ones.

DI Frost:
Wait, Costello, we all know you've had trouble settling in here, but don't you shake your beads at me, hey, son, because I'm inclined to get ever so irritable.

Supt. Mullett:
[Slightly inebriated] Look, Jack, we've had our differences... of course, we have. You're a street cop. I'm one of those boring old farts who thinks about nothing but keeping the books straight. No, no, no need to deny it. I know what you chaps think of me, and to some extent, it's true. I've spent more time in college than I have on the street, and I'm...

DS Toolan:
[Handing him a vodka and tonic] Sir!

Supt. Mullett:
...and I'll have to admit that when it comes to the practical side of policing, sometimes I'm out of my depth. Will you take my point, Jack?

DI Frost:
[Humoring him] Yes, yes, I do... absolutely, sir.

DC Costello:
[Looking around at the dirty public washroom where the body was found] Not the sort of place you come to for the holidays, is it?

Walter Peters:
Did you know that more people die at 4 o"clock in the mornin' than at any other time? Except in China.

Eileen Grant:
[to Frost] You're not exactly Warren Beatty.

Sgt Wells:
Who's nicked my crime prevention stickers

D.I. Frost:
Is it true what they say, George?

D.S. Toolan:
Yeah?

D.I. Frost:
The more you know about people, the more you appreciate dogs.

D.S. Toolan:
Questions are raised; we have to answer them.

Allen Deering:
What kind of gobbledygook is that?

D.I. Frost:
[Angrily] The correct gobbledygook!

D.I. Frost:
I tell you what, I don't know much about this business, but there are those who say that if you eat meat, then you shouldn't be squeamish about watching an animal being killed and cut up. Perhaps you'd like to show me round.

Gerry Ryan:
I've got work to do, Inspector.

D.I. Frost:
[Angrily] So have I! That's why I'm here!

Graham McArdy:
[to Linda] Don't worry about the police. They're not in control. I am... of Sue, of Pauline, and of you.

D.S. Toolan:
Does anyone know where DI Frost is?

Sgt. Don Brady:
[holding up PR] No, but I know that he left his radio.

D.S. Toolan:
[taking radio] Oh, shhhhhh- sugar!

Sir Richard Cordwell:
You're a bastard, frost!

D.I. Frost:
Takes one to know one.

Supt. Mullett:
[Testily] You have no business giving him your word!

D.I. Frost:
That's all right, sir. I have no intention of keeping it. I'm a bit like Tricky Dickie in there. I do things my way.

Kitty Rayford:
I couldn't send you back to your wife in that state.

D.I. Frost:
You'd have a job, Kitty. She's dead.

Kitty Rayford:
[after a pause] Sorry.

D.I. Frost:
Yeah, that's all right.

Kitty Rayford:
Must ne lonely without her.

D.I. Frost:
It was lonely with her, to tell you the truth.

Supt. Mullett:
[as Frost is wading into a stream] Jack! You'll drown yourself!

D.I. Frost:
[Sarcastically] Anything for you, sir.

DI Frost:
Years I've been in the job. You can't believe the secrets that people keep.

Supt. Mullett:
Eccentrics are only tolerated so long as they come up with the goods. Bear that in mind.

DI Jack Frost:
So I will, sir. [pause] Eccentric? Huh.

D.C. Clive Barnard:
I was out of order yesterday. Losing my rag.

DI Jack Frost:
Forget it. I'll just tell your uncle, the Chief Constable.

D.C. Clive Barnard:
I'm sorry.

DI Jack Frost:
That's all right. I'll tell you one little trick, though. Out of order is no good to anyone. Out of step is much better. That way you tread on the bits the other people miss.

DI Jack Frost:
I'm not scared of dogs. It's women that frighten me.

DI Jack Frost:
[Looking at a red-stained sweatshirt] Look at that. It's either blood or he's a messy eater.

Tony Walder:
We need the money.

DI Jack Frost:
A lot of people need the money. They don't become contract killers.

Shirley Fisher:
[to Jack] Well, what makes you think you're such a wonderful catch? Sruffy, middle-aged copper who only comes home when he feels like it.

DI Jack Frost:
I'll sleep on it, sir.

Supt. Mullett:
[Sarcastically] Do that. Perhaps the answer will come to you in a dream.

Sgt. Arthur Hanlon:
Is Jack up there, George?

DS George Toolan:
No, he's nipped out to see Tara Holdsworth. Shouldn't be long. Anything important?

Sgt. Arthur Hanlon:
Oh, Mullett's beating around for his crime report from last night and he hasn't signed it, that's all.

DS George Toolan:
Oh well. Here goes.

[Toolan forges Frost's signature]

Sgt. Arthur Hanlon:
You're getting quite good. Should try banknotes.

DS George Toolan:
Ssh!

D.I. Frost:
[to Tara] I'll catch him. No one controls me. Ask my superintendent.

Les Wingham:
[Indignantly] I don't leap out at women in the woods. That's a pervert job.

D.I. Frost:
I was called away on urgent inquiries.

Supt. Mullett:
I've heard that one from you too often to believe it. Frankly, your attitude on these occasions does you no credit. You're a little old to play the errant schoolboy.

D.I. Frost:
[to Wallace during car chase] If you get frightened, just close your eyes like 'm doin'.

Sgt. Hanlon:
Can't win 'em all.

D.I. Frost:
Why not?

D.I. Frost:
[Angrily] Then why are you letting Mullett take me off the case?

D.C.I. Allen:
Because at the end of the day you're just a detective inspector, not King of Denton.

Supt. Mullett:
He doesn't look like a rapist.

D.I. Frost:
They never do, do they?

[Det. Sgt. Frank Nash has been given a message to phone his wife]

Frost:
Bit young to be married.

Det. Sgt. Frank Nash:
How old were you?

Frost:
I asked first. Twenty Four.

Det. Sgt. Frank Nash:
Same as me.

Frost:
Okay, lets drop it.

Det. Sgt. Frank Nash:
[Looking at two messy piles of files] Can I move this stuff, Guv?

Frost:
That's Sgt. Pierson's. He had a two tier system... unsolved and unsolvable.

Det. Sgt. Frank Nash:
I can't imagine you livin' down here, Guv.

Frost:
Why? Not crummy enough?

Frost:
I went to London once. Had to go and meet the Queen. She's a lot smaller than I thought she'd be, but, then again, size isn't eveything as we both know.

Frost:
I'm Detective Inspector Frost. This is Detective Sergeant Nash.

Boris Ivanovich:
You don't look like police.

Frost:
When you get to CID, they let you wear your own clothes.

Frost:
One of the golden rules of detection is if you don't find anything, keep looking.

Mrs. Charteris:
[Refering to a neighbor's apartment across the street] Sometimes they leave the curtain open.

Frost:
[Sarcastically] Why don't you get a television like everyone else?

Charlie Fairclough:
Takes a lot for a woman to bake a cake these days. You must be fitter than you look.

Kitty Rayford:
Of all the cars in all the world, you had to bump into mine.

D.I. Frost:
Yes, and that's the worst Peter Lorre impression I've ever heard.

Kitty Rayford:
Yes. It's Bogart.

D.I. Frost:
[to Mullett] If I read every piece of paper that landed on my desk, I'd never get out from behind it. [Sarcastically] I't's the rain forests I'm worried about.

D.I. Frost:
I'v had nothin' but guns since I got up this morning.

Barry Hockey:
[Ironically] Honesty is a hard habit to break.

D.C.I. Allen:
[Talking about DI Lawson] She's a good-looker. I hope you don't find yourself tempted.

D.I. Frost:
What? Sleep with a junior officer? Gawd dear! Mullet would love that, wouldn't he? Actually, Jim, I've lost the, henh, urge. You know... women. What's that... growin' up or growin' old?

D.I. Frost:
[to Bernard] Now, listen. We've had quite a run on these burglaries, and what I want to know is, are they down to you? Now, a simple yes or no will suffice, and this is Police Brutality Week, so think carefully.

D.I. Frost:
I got a season ticket to the late night laundrette.