A Voyage Round My Father

Clifford Mortimer:
This coffee's frozen, like a sort of Arctic mud.

John Mortimer:
You think of how people tell you it's meant to feel: sudden freedom, the end of dependance. You walk into the sun and no-one is taller than you, and you are in no-one else's shadow. But I know how I felt. Lonely.

John Mortimer:
Don't be angry.

Clifford Mortimer:
I'm always angry! When I'm dying...

Clifford Mortimer:
If they ever give us another War, avoid the temptation to do anything Heroic! That's my advice to you.

Clifford Mortimer:
You're alone in this world, and there's nothing anyone can tell you about it!

Sons as a Boy:
Wah!

Mother:
Oh, never crying!

Clifford Mortimer:
Say "Rats!" It's impossible to cry if you say "Rats!", it's something to do with the muscles of the face.

Sons as a Boy:
[Walking to the car, off to boarding school] Rats! Rats! Rrrrrats!

Clifford Mortimer:
Never let anyone deceive you into thinking that the world was created in six days. Six days labour wouldn't produce one primitive earthworm! The evolution of the horse was a most torturous process! [Shakes head] So, none of this "six days" nonsense.

Headmaster:
You shall refer to us all by nicknames. I am Noah. My wife is Mrs. Noah. You are the animals. This is Ham and Japhet. Matron is Matey. And Mr. Bingo Ollard... Mr. Bingo Ollard is Mr. Bingo Ollard.

Headmaster:
Ah, now that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. Dreams. You'll have them. Oh, certain you'll have them. The trick is always to sleep on your right side. Never on your left, stops the heart. Never on your back, encourages dreams. And you must always think to yourself "You Rotter to have had a dream!" Of course if you're awake, you can do something about it. Go for a run, or have a cold shower. Always tell the Housemaster, he'll understand. "Sir," you say, "That is what I felt the need to do!"

Clifford Mortimer:
[From the Fortress-Garden] HAVEN'T THOSE VISITORS LEFT YET?

John Mortimer:
Why did he not blaspheme? Beat his head against the pitch-black walls around him. Why didn't he curse God?

Clifford Mortimer:
[From bedroom] My tie! Oh God, where's my tie? If only you knew the loneliness of getting dressed!

Clifford Mortimer:
When I rise to cross-question I will not be interrupted!

Judge:
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Now, what was your question?

Clifford Mortimer:
I have forgotten it. My learned friend's remark had the effect he no doubt intended and I have forgotten my question!

Boustead:
Sir, this is absurd!

Clifford Mortimer:
Wait! I've remembered it again...

Reigate:
I'll tell you something about your father. He can't see. He's blind, isn't he?

John Mortimer:
[Voice Over as Boy looks out of the car window] It was a question our family never asked. Naturally, I didn't answer.

John Mortimer:
Did you ever smoke opium?

Clifford Mortimer:
Certainly not! Gives you constipation. Ever see a portrait of that rogue Coleridge? Green around the gills and a stranger to the lavatory!

Clifford Mortimer:
[At tea] Sex! Sex has been incredibly over-rated by the poets. I don't recall having many Mistresses with thighs like white marble...

Clifford Mortimer:
[Drowning Earwigs] Just think, if we did this all over the world for a million years, would we cause a tiny dent in evolution? Would we produce an earwig that can swim?

Clifford Mortimer:
Within six months he'd married this hard-hearted girl. But he was not a Wicount and he was not a Nearl! He was not a baronite or a saviour to us, but the Bow-Legged conductor of a tuppenny bus!

John Mortimer:
He sent words into the darkness like soldiers to battle.