A Walk in the Woods

Bill Bryson:
[Reading from guidebook] It says to intimidate the bears.

Stephen Katz:
Intimidate the bears? They're f***ing bears!

Bill Bryson:
[Bears in front of them] If they come for us, play dead.

Stephen Katz:
If they come for us, we are dead.

Bill Bryson:
Writers don't retire. We either drink ourselves to death or blow our brains out.

TV Host:
What will it be for you?

Bill Bryson:
After this interview, probably both.

Bill Bryson:
[At night, when a female hiker is loudly singing, in an annoying tone, at a late hour] Tomorrow morning, we get up early, before she's awake, and we get a headstart, and lose her.

Stephen Katz:
That's a good idea. Better than my idea.

Bill Bryson:
What was your idea?

Stephen Katz:
We kill her, and steal her Pop Tarts.

Stephen Katz:
How do you know all this stuff?

Bill Bryson:
Well, there are these things called books.

Stephen Katz:
Oh, No kidding, they're called books?

Bill Bryson:
Yeah, they're like TV for smart people.