Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd

Capt. Bonney:
If I weren't a pirate, I'd cry.

Capt. William Kidd:
I hate fat men!

Capt. Bonney:
But you're a fat man.

Capt. William Kidd:
I hate myself too!

Pub Owner:
[as Puddin' and Rocky are entering the tavern] Wait a minute! The front doors are for gentlemen! The back door's for swine!

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
I'm no pig! [Rocky shoves him toward the back door]

Pub Owner:
Are you stupid?

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
No.

Pub Owner:
A nincompoop? [Puddin' shakes his head 'no.']

Pub Owner:
Moronic? [He again shakes his head]

Pub Owner:
Idiotic? [He again shakes his head and smiles]

Pub Owner:
Imbecilic? [Puddin' snickers]

Pub Owner:
What are you laughing at?

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
You went right by me and didn't even know it.

Capt. William Kidd:
[In a self-deprecating manner] The things I have to do to go down in history!

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
[after serving Kidd some soup] Is it good, sir?

Capt. William Kidd:
It's just like Mother used to make. It stinks!

Capt. Bonney:
[Romantically sighing] Oh, Puddin'!

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
Call me by my last name - "Head!"

Captain 'Puddin' head' Feathergill:
[In hole holding skull] Alas, poor Yorick, I knew well, a fellow of infinite...

Capt. William Kidd:
That's the wrong play. Now, dig.