Addams Family Values

Young Girl:
...and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!

Pugsley:
Our parents are having a baby too.

Wednesday:
They had sex.

Debbie:
What a lady killer!

Gomez:
Acquitted.

Gary Granger:
Now, one of you will be the drowning victim, and the other will be... our life saver!

Amanda Buckman:
I'll be the victim!

Wednesday:
All your life.

Amanda Buckman:
I'm going to be an actress.

Gary Granger:
Brava! Now, Amanda, jump in, swim out a few yards, and start drowning.

Amanda Buckman:
Help me! Help me! I'm drowning! Help me, I'm dying!

Amanda Buckman:
Is that your bathing suit?

Wednesday:
Is that your overbite?

Morticia:
You have enslaved him. You have placed him under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?

Wednesday:
I don't want to be in the pageant.

Gary:
Don't you want me to realize my vision?

Wednesday:
Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, or the Aristotelian unities.

Gary:
Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

Wednesday:
I'm not perky.

Amanda Buckman:
Well, that's for damn sure.

Debbie:
These Addams men, where do you find them?

Morticia:
It has to be damp.

Pugsley:
We don't hug.

Gary:
Oh, you're just shy.

Wednesday:
We're not shy, we're contagious.

Amanda Buckman:
Why are you dressed like somebody died?

Wednesday:
Wait.

Gomez:
He has my father's eyes.

Morticia:
Gomez, take those out of his mouth.

Gomez:
Children, why do you hate the baby?

Pugsley:
We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.

Wednesday:
Especially his head.

Debbie:
I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't enjoy hurting anybody. I don't like guns or bombs or electric chairs, but sometimes people just won't listen and so I have to use persuasion, and slides.

Debbie:
My parents, Sharon and Dave. Generous, doting, or were they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday, I was 10 and do you know what they got me? Malibu Barbie. That's not what I wanted, that's not who I was. I was a ballerina. Graceful. Delicate! They had to go.

Debbie:
My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long, coronaries, transplants. "Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold."

Debbie:
Husband number 2: the senator. He loved his state. He loved his country. Sorry Debbie. No Mercedes this year. We have to set an example." Oh yeah. Set this!

Debbie:
My latest husband. My late, late husband Fester, and his adorable family. You took me in. You accepted me. But did any of you love me? I mean, really love me? So I killed. So I maimed. So I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren't I a human being? Don't I yearn and ache... and shop? Don't I deserve love... and jewelry? Good-bye everybody. Wish me luck.

Debbie:
Would you die for me?

Uncle Fester:
Yes.

Debbie:
Promise?

Wednesday:
Wait, we can not break bread with you. You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, and you will play golf, and eat hot h'ors d'ourves. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They said do not trust the pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller. And for all of these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Delivery Room Doctor:
Would you like some anesthesia?

Morticia:
No, but do ask the children.

Gomez:
Was she in the cake before you baked it?

Morticia:
I'm just like every modern woman trying to have it all: a loving husband, a family. I only wish I had more time to see out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.

Wednesday:
You sent us to camp. They made us sing.

Debbie Jellinsky:
I'll get you - and your little hand, too!

Uncle Fester:
Dementia, what a beautiful name.

Dementia:
It means "insanity."

Uncle Fester:
My name is Fester. It means "to rot."

Joel Glicker:
You know what happens if my mother uses fabric softener? I die.

Wednesday:
Hello, Polly. I will clean my room... in exchange for your immortal soul.

Morticia:
Wednesday's at that age when a young girl has only one thing on her mind.

Ellen Buckman:
Boys?

Wednesday:
Homicide.

Pugsley:
What does chippewa mean?

Gomez:
It's an old Indian word.

Wednesday:
It means orphan.

Gomez:
At his request, I would crawl on my belly through hot coals and broken glass.

Morticia:
Why wait?

Becky Martin-Granger:
It's an American Bald Eagle!

Gary Granger:
Aren't they extinct?

Wednesday:
They are now.

Morticia:
Where are we?

Grandma:
Looks familiar... of course, the gates of hell.

Debbie Jellinsky:
I'll be leaving the country very soon.

Debbie Jellinsky:
Yes, I'll be a widow.

Morticia:
My baby is sick and my husband is dying. Oh, Mama, What shall I do?

Grandma:
Well, you have a black dress.

Grandma:
An axe. That takes me back...

Gary:
Yes indeed, Bambi.

Becky:
Lassie Come Home.

Gary:
The Little Mermaid.

Wednesday:
Stoppit.

Joel:
He's only a child.

Grandma:
Luxor, nexor, burst and BURN!

Debbie Jellinsky:
What is she doing?

Grandma:
Just a curse. Have a nice day.

Gomez:
Has the planet gone mad? My brother... passion's hostage. I seek justice? Denied! I shall not submit. I shall conquer! I shall rise! My name is Gomez Addams, and I have seen evil!

Gomez:
I have seen horror!

Gomez:
I have seen the unholy maggots which feast in the dark recesses of the human soul!

Morticia:
They're at camp.

Gomez:
I have seen all this officer. But until today, I have never seen... YOU!

Desk sergeant:
Hook him, book him, cook him. NOW!

Margaret Addams:
What.

Debbie Jellinsky:
Oh, I didn't say anything.

Margaret Addams:
No, that's the baby's nickname. "What."

Debbie:
FREEZE!

Uncle Fester:
Pookie?

Debbie:
I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.

Uncle Fester:
What are you saying?

Debbie:
I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.

Uncle Fester:
But... but... don't you love me?

Debbie:
AH HA HA HA!

Uncle Fester:
Is that a no?

Uncle Fester:
I'm her husband.

Debbie:
Fester!

Uncle Fester:
Gimme a kiss.

Debbie:
Gimme a twenty.

Wednesday:
Be afraid, be very afraid.

Joel Glicker:
How do I look?

Wednesday:
Disturbing

Uncle Fester:
I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jesus, Fester, go back to your room!"

Morticia:
Children, do you think that we love the baby more than we love you?

Wednesday:

Morticia:
Do you think that when there's a new baby in the house, one of the other children has to die?

Wednesday:

Grandma:
Well that's just not true - not anymore.

Morticia:
Gomez wonderful news, I'm going to have a child. Right now