Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Police Officer:
Identify yourself!

Alan Partridge:
Alan Partridge! Who the f- Alan Partridge! You know who I am, I've not been off TV for that long! Identify yourself.

Alan Partridge:
People sack people, people people please people.

Alan Partridge:
He's got a shooter!

Alan Partridge:
Go to your muster stations... it's Bryan Ferry.

Alan Partridge:
We're asking, what is the worst monger? Iron, fish... rumour... or war?

Alan Partridge:
You can keep Jesus Christ. That was Neil Diamond... truly the 'King of the Jews'.

Police Officer:
[reading from transcript of radio conversation] 01:00 Partridge: I wish this was abroad because it would make a brilliant 'Banged Up Abroad'

Police Officer:
Farrell: What's 'Banged Up Abroad'?

Police Officer:
Partridge: You don't know 'Banged Up Abroad'?

Police Officer:
Farrell: No

Police Officer:
Partridge: Everyone knows 'Banged Up Abroad'

Police Officer:
Farrell: I don't, what is 'Banged Up Abroad'

Police Officer:
Partridge: You seriously don't know 'Banged Up Abroad'? You have to be shitting me

Police Officer:
Farrell: I've never even heard of 'Banged Up Abroad'

Policewoman:
Just get to the bit where they stop saying 'Banged Up Abroad'

Police Officer:
Sidekick Simon: I once banged up a broad

Police Officer:
Partridge: That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?

Policewoman:
He's got a gun to his head?

Alan Partridge:
I would've taken it off sooner, but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child... just passed his details on to the social services...

Pat Farrell:
I came to this pier once with Molly...

Alan Partridge:
Happy times!

Pat Farrell:
...I came to scatter her ashes.

Alan Partridge:
Maybe not so happy.

Pat Farrell:
The angels came and carried Molly away.

Simon:
[looks at photo of Molly] There must have been quite a few angels.

Police Officer:
And do you suffer from any nervous conditions such as panic attacks?

Alan Partridge:
(snorts) Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks? I had one panic attack at the car wash, it was a perfect storm of no sleep, uh no wife and angry brushes whirling towards me and by the time the hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.

Alan Partridge:
[hiding in a bus' septic tank] Yes, Pat, is it bizarre. It is, and was, a failed escape attempt. A sort of, 'Sh*t-Shank Redemption', if you will.

Alan Partridge:
Get rid of her, Lynn, she's a drunk and a racist! I'll tolerate one, but not both.

Alan Partridge:
Never, never criticize Muslims; only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Steve Stubbs:
Alan! Read my lips. Now, if you jeopardize the safety of any of my men, or any of those hostages inside that building because you've not been listening to me; I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

Alan Partridge:
You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

Side Kick Simon:
We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says "An easy way to solve the problems in Israel"

Alan Partridge:
A thorny issue

Side Kick Simon:
"would be for Judaism and Islam to merge."

Alan Partridge:
Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.

Side Kick Simon:
Well, they both hate pigs.

Alan Partridge:
True enough.

Side Kick Simon:
You could call it Jislam.