All Quiet on the Preston Front

[Hodge's reaction when Eric brings him a video of "Zulu Dawn" for his night in with Laura, instead of "When Harry Met Sally"]

Hodge:
Eric, am I likely to invite Laura round for a meal to snuggle up with a glass of wine and watch 20,000 Zulus slaughter Peter O'Toole?

[Dawn explains to Ally why she joined the TA]

Dawn:
I don't really like students.

Ally:
College was a bit of a bad move then.

Lloydy:
[on television] Spock's a tall git with glasses who teaches history.

Spock:
I was wondering what to put on my business card.

[Lloydy introduces Diesel to his Cadillac]

Lloydy:
They don't make cars like this any more.

Diesel:
That's probably because they ran out of metal making this one.

[Lloydy introduces the board game that he has invented]

Lloydy:
It's sort of a mixture of chess, Mah-Jong and contract bridge.

Diesel:
What's it called?

Lloydy:
Gurkha Tank Battle.

[to Hodge]

Jeanetta Scarry:
Please don't think that having a daughter automatically makes someone a father.

[Lloydy advises Eric on filling in job application forms]

Lloydy:
Just lie - they never check... My last CV, I put I were a Grade 3 BLT. That's a sandwich. Sounds like an engineering certificate.

Spock:
You got the job?

Diesel:
Nah, tragically they were looking for a cheese bap or upwards.

[Lloydy describes his experiences with a dating agency]

Lloydy:
I sent off to that Dateline computer once. I sent in my name and address and a photo of Burt Reynolds. Computer matched me with some woman from Morecambe who'd sent in a photo of Meryl Streep.

[Ally makes an observation about Lloydy]

Ally:
You know Lloydy, you can tell a lot about a bloke from the word he uses to describe procreation. Love-making: kind of extended and creative. Shag: over very quickly and a lot to do with carpets.

Spock:
We could play a game... A lateral thinking game.

Lloydy:
Lateral thinking?

Diesel:
He hasn't managed it vertically yet.

[Spock doesn't think that the TA is toughening him up, the reason he joined]

Spock:
You know what will happen. I'll train and train and train, and just end up this nice bloke who can run eight miles and kill people with an SA-80.

[Jeanetta's advice to her new child minder]

Jeanetta Scarry:
As a parent, you will come to dread the word "why", Ross. It is an endless vortex from which the only escape is the magic phrase "Because I say so".

[Ally and Rundle discuss the executives arriving for the outward bound weekend]

Ally:
Team C. Apparently we've got two assistant project planners, three systems managers and two special operations advisors... These people all work in offices - why do they make it sound like they work in the cockpit of a spaceship?

Rundle:
Because they all work in offices.

[Aspinall's opinion of his employer]

Aspo:
Mitch Maddox is not a farmer. He is a man with a farm. The 'er' bit takes years of working for.

[Lloydy turns to Hodge when he needs a replacement koi carp]

Lloydy:
You've got to help me, Hodge. I need a fish.

Hodge:
You know the rules, Lloydy. You've got to do a trick first.

(Mel, Deisel and Lloydy steal an Ostrich and leave it in Hodge's holiday cottage garage for the weekend)

Hodge (as his daughter walks in on the argument)

"Not a word, i don't want her to know we have bloody satan's chicken in the shed"