American Desi

Eric:
I'm hungry. Did your mom give you some of her spicy balls?

Krishna:
Don't ever say "spicy balls" and "your mom" in the same sentence.

Krishna:
They've decided to try this new policy by housing people by major. It's kinda like when we were in kindergarten.

Krishna:
Remember that, eh? When they grouped us by animals? You're gonna sit at the giraffe table, and-and you're gonna sit at the kangaroo table... Ever notice how every dumb kid always sat at the otter table? Every dumb ass I ever met always say at the otter table. I think they were trying to be nice by not calling them dumb to their face, you know?

Eric:
Hey! I sat at the otter table!

Eric:
Mr. Reddy, so good to see you again!

Eric:
All right.

Krishna:
Oh man!

Eric:
Dude, is that the new one from Third Eye Blind?

Krishna:
I am finally out of the house, man! And I am never going back!

Eric:
Hey Kris, you know that ceremony that your mom performed?

Krishna:
Don't ask me anything about it. I just wait there 'til she finishes.

Eric:
She was blessing us right? We're not married or anything?

Krishna:
What?

Eric:
It's just that I saw this documentary on the Discovery Channel, and it said that the dot was a symbol of marriage.

Krishna:
Look man, whatever it means, If I were you, I'd wipe that sh*t off your forehead before you start attracting Hari Krishnas or something.

Jagjit:
Krishna Gopal Reddy, that is you? But what is this Kris? Oh I get it, Kris with a K. Top Yaar. Make it easy for the Goras.

Jagjit:
You should see how they pronounce my name.

Krishna:
This is your dream, don't ever give up on that.

Salim:
All right, who's hungry? My mummy made some fantastic Chicken Tikka Masala.

Krishna:
Oh god! Get that sh*t out of my face!

Jagjit:
Hey Salim, did you ever see that episode of Gilligan's Island where the personalities got switched?

Salim:
I know what you mean, somewhere in Jersey there is a black man driving around in a Honda Accord and praying to Lord Ganesh.

Krishna:
This place smells worse than my house!

Eric:
You've only been there a couple of hours, how bad can it be?

Krishna:
How bad can it be? Well let's see, Bachelor #1, who hasn't shut up since I got here, thinks we're some long-lost brothers from the old country. Bachelor #2 has managed to permanently stink up the place with his mother's cooking. And Bachelor #3, get this, thinks he's some reincarnation of M.C. Hammer.

Jagjit:
Hey Salim, did you see that movie, Kama Sutra? Rekha was in that one too, wasn't she?

Salim:
Yeah she was so amazing. I hope my wife looks that good when she gets to that age.

Jagjit:
Didn't see play a prostitute in that one, too?

Salim:
Listen, chutiyah, this is the last time I'm going to tell you -

Jagjit:
No, no, no wait, she played a teacher. She taught others how to be prostitutes.

Jagjit:
You wouldn't even consider marrying an Indian girl from here?

Salim:
Who needs all that hassle when you come back from work?

Salim:
"Salim, let's go out to dinner! I'm too tired to cook. I work, too."

Jagjit:
Not all Indian girls are like that.

Salim:
You've seen them with those Goras. I mean when will they learn how to cook a decent home meal?

Jagjit:
I would like to pay for these by credit card

Jagjit:
and these by cash

Jagjit:
.

Ajay:
What's up with the partition? Are those Pakistani brushes?

Jagjit:
Oh wow, a desi T.A., it's going to be tough as sh*t.

Ajay:
Damn nigga. That's your lunch? No wonder people in India are starving, you got all the food!

Jagjit:
Look at this place! Can you believe there's this many freshmen?

Salim:
It's going to be a very tough year, yaar. We're going to have to study much harder to beat the curve.

Ajay:
You're at a goddamn party b*tch! Fa'get about ya curve! Let's go get some desi booty!

Rakesh:
What did I tell you about touching my jacket? Didn't I tell you not to touch it? Do you want to go back to Ramen's in Bombay and get it pressed?

Krishna:
Hi, buy me a pizza?

Nina:
Excuse me?

Krishna:
Buy me a pizza.

Nina:
Buy you a pizza?

Krishna:
Yeah I'm really hungry and I'm totally tapped out of cash and I know this great pizza place around the corner. And I was wondering if you'd buy me a pizza?

Nina:
No are you crazy, I'm not gonna buy you a pizza. I don't know if you know how this works but you're the one buying me a pizza.

Krishna:
Okay.

Nina:
Okay what?

Krishna:
Okay I'll buy you a pizza, all you had to do was ask.

Nina:
Wait a minute, you just said that you were tapped out of cash.

Krishna:
I am, but it's not everyday that beautiful girl, like yourself, asks a guy like me out to pizza. Trust me, I'll find a away to scrap up the money.

Nina:
Cute. Very cute. I never heard a pickup line that devious before. I may have to try it myself sometime.

Jagjit:
Salim, you know I respect your religion and all but one of these days, someone is gonna get hurt!

Krishna:
What?

Gautam Rao:
Jagjit Singh?

Jagjit:
Here.

Gautam Rao:
"Onathan" Scott?

Gautam Rao:
What happened to the silent "J"?

Gautam Rao:
I swear that there are more exceptions than rules in the English grammar.

Gautam Rao:
Oh Sh*t! Does anyone have a rubber? Miss, you must have a little rubber in your purse. I need a little rubber.

Jagjit:
Here we go with the corrupt Indian girl routine.

Salim:
That's right, all Indian girls in America become corrupt. You saw Farah at the party, the way she was dressed. Just imagine if her daddy saw her. The poor guy would have a heart attack.

Jagjit:
Why don't you give her a chance Salim, maybe there is more to her than that?

Salim:
No way. She's been hunting me down like anything. Everywhere I go there she is, in the class, at the hall, at that stupid party. I'm already feeling like I'm married. Pretty soon she's gonna be asking to

Salim:
carry her makeup!

Krishna:
This is driving me crazy!... It's been 10 minutes, aren't we due for another song-and-dance sequence?

Krishna:
Good I was starting to get worried... What is this? The next day? They've all changed clothes!... I've seen porno films with better storylines than this, honestly!

Jagjit:
Good job, yaar. Insulting Hindi films and admitting to watching Porno.

Salim:
Maybe next time you can mention your bout with gonorrhea.

Jagjit:
You go to the grocery store and pick up a couple of things. Ajay, you go back an prepare the kitchen. I'll go deliver the invitations.

Krishna:
How about you get that stuff, and I'll ask out Nina. Huh?

Jagjit:
That's your problem, yaar. You think too much like an American. If you want to get an Indian girl, you have to think like an Indian. You need to use Indian technique. You need a go-between. Now go!

Krishna:
Excuse me sir, can you tell me where I can find the

Krishna:
"nan"?

Nina:
It's an email from Jagjit. Oh listen to this: "Loyal friend seeks suitable alliance for big-mouthed but well-intentioned roommate. Nineteen years, 5'11". Currently pursuing a degree in engineering. US Citizen... Girl should be very open-minded and understanding"

Priya:
Oh that is so cute! Oh my god, you have to go!

Nina:
No way, it's gonna take more than a fungal ad to makeup for last night.

Nina:
"Okay, how about a nice home-cooked dinner?"

Nina:
Jagjit...

Jagjit:
Come by the apartment at 8 o'clock tonight. You will be amazed. AND NO INDIAN STANDARD TIME!

Gautam Rao:
This is one of the things I miss most about India. The Freedom. No bogus rules. No regulations. Just do what you want freely.

Ajay:
Oh man! I paid $60 for these b*tches!

Nina:
Yeah to dance, I figured it would be nice to learn something about your own culture.

Krishna:
My culture? What do you want me to learn? That I come from a country where the concept of toilet paper is still a myth? That kids let their parents decide who their going to marry? What?

Ajay:
What happened? This place looks worse than South Central.

Jagjit:
What man? What'll be all right? That I have to spend the rest of my life designing buildings in a job that I hate? You call that ALL RIGHT? I don't know why I bothered man. I knew he was gonna find out eventually and he never understands! I don't wanna see this stuff, anymore!

Ajay:
It's like Spike Lee says, you know, gotta be making black films, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!

Krishna:
I don't know what happened back there. Maybe I had a little too much to drink.

Nina:
So that's supposed to make it all right? I'm sorry, I just can't accept that as an excuse. Maybe I'm just a little old fashioned and traditional or maybe I'm just a little too Indian for your taste!

Krishna:
Too Indian? Why does it always have to be about Indian culture? You know, Why? Why can't it just be about us?

Nina:
'Cause I am Indian. And if you can't stand anything Indian, there is no us.

Nina:
I was just thinking of how mean I was to you. And I didn't try to see it from your side, I was being selfish and for that, I'm sorry.

Krishna:
No, Nina, I'm the one who should be sorry. I'm the one who was being selfish, insensitive, you were right. I was being an ass! I'm the one who should be saying I'm sorry!

Nina:
Okay.

Krishna:
Okay, what?

Nina:
Okay, I accept your apology. All you had to do was ask.

Krishna:
Wait a minute, I don't get it.

Nina:
It's not every day that a good-looking guy apologizes for his behavior. I mean a girl has got to take it when she can. I mean who knows when it'll happen again, right?

Krishna:
Cute, very cute. That's a clever line, where'd you pick it up?

Nina:
This A.B.C.D. tried to use it on me once, it was so pathetic.

Jagjit:
Shabbash, yaar! Just like in the movies! The hero beats the villain and saves the beautiful heroine! Tip-top! Just like a Hindi film!

Ajay:
Oh my brotha! You are oppressed!

Ajay:
Maybe the coconut bhaisaab is color blind and God stuck your prophet ass here to enlighten him. I mean, you see his face when you whipped out that stank chicken, yo? Nigga went crazy! He was like...

Salim:
My mummy cooked that chicken bhenchod!