American Outlaws

Jim:
What are we going to do?

Bob:
He's smiling.

Jim:
Is that bad?

Frank:
Very.

Cole:
Let's Ride!

Bob:
Now I would sound just stupid sayin' that.

Cole:
Everyone keeps callin' us the James Younger gang, why aren't we the Younger James gang, I mean, there are three Younger Brothers and two James brothers.

Bob:
The Younger-James gang is confusing. If we bust into a bank and yell "Hey we're the Younger-James gang", people'll be thinging the YOUNGER-James gang? Is there an older James gang? then poeple'll be thinkin' bout that instead of raisin' their arms.

Jesse James:
Can't argue with that Cole.

Cole:
Sadie was a beautiful woman, Sadie was not a man!

Jesse James:
She had a mustache, a nice mustache.

Frank:
I think she had more than a mustache!

Cole:
Well, she was European.

Jesse James:
Hey stupid, yeah you. Glad you know your name you dumb sh*t!

Loni Packwood:
This is the last straw. I came back from the war and my house was burned down, my cows were dead. My wife's run off with my cousin Jeb. That son of a b*tch, he took my dog.

Cole:
Gatling! They got a Gatling gun!

Bob:
Goddamn it Cole, this stopped bein' fun about two years ago!

Head Teller:
Why sir, this bill is counterfeit!

Jesse James:
No, I don't think so. And I'll have to see the rest of your money to compare.

Frank:
Its a scientific method, I hear it all the rage!.

Man:
But the Younger gang rides with Jesse James.

Bob:
Hey, You wanna die?

Man:
No.

Jesse James:
You got big. I mean, you aged. What I mean to say is you got big and older.

Jesse James:
Your to young to drink whiskey

Jim:
If I'm old enough to shoot a man, I'm old enough to drink whiskey!

Jesse James:
Hands off your hip Cole.

Cole:
Ain't scared are ya Jesse?

Jesse James:
Pick your fights cousin, you taught me that.

Jesse James:
You got a plan.

Bob:
My plan of lying here pissing myself is working mighty fine, thank you very much.

Cole:
Some Indian tracker you turned out to be, Tom.

Comanche Tom:
You wanted me to find you Bluecoats and there they are.

Bob:
Well someone better go tell the damn Yankees!

Ma James:
The Lord says we can bury outback in the orchard. No one will ever find him.

Jesse James:
Somebody sure is in a vengeful mood today.

Frank:
Why don't we let 'em go for today, Ma? Well bury 'em outback next time.

Ma James:
*sad* Aww... All right.

Ma James:
Well, wadda ya know. The Lord is a lot shorter than I reckoned.

Allan Pinkerton:
It's going to be a long spring.

Zee Mimms:
If you don't see it, then it's not real.

Cole:
Ma'am can ya turn around and cover your face with your hands please.

Woman:
Why?

Cole:
Cuz I'm gonna shoot this man and I don't think you wanna see it.

Cole:
Thanks.

Cole:
Why are we called the James-Younger gang? I think it should be the Younger-James gang, seeing as we got three Younger brothers and only two James.

Jim:
I kinda like the sound of the James-Younger gang.

Cole:
Jim, stay out of this.

Bob:
Oh, Jimmy's got a point, Cole. The Younger-James gang is confusing.

Cole:
How's that, Bob?

Bob:
If we run into a bank and yell, "We're the Younger-James gang!" People will start thinkin', "The Younger-James gang? Is there an Older-James gang? How come I've never heard of the Old-James gang?" And they'll be too busy figurein' that out instead of raisin' their arms.

Cole:
Do we even have the same mama? Do we? I got an idea, if shoot Bob and Jim I won't have anymore arguments.

Frank:
That Zerelda turn into one hell of a women eh?

Jesse James:
Oh yea.

Frank:
"Big and Older"?

Jesse James:
You can shut up now, Frank.

Frank:
You are a charmer.

Jesse James:
I swear to god I will shoot you in your sleep.

Frank:
Next time try "Fat and Haggard"!

Bob:
Whats that?

Loni Packwood:
It's my lucky rabbit's foot. I got it off that dead guy over there.

Bob:
Yeah, I don't think that ones worth it Loni.

Cole:
Hey! Just because Frank reads all them books and uses all them big fancy words don't make him smart!

Bob:
Uh, yes it does.

Frank:
From women's eyes this doctrine I derive, they sparkle still the right promethean fire. They are the books, the arts, the acedemes that show, contain and nourish all the world.

Cole:
I have no clue what you just said, but it sure sounded nice.

Frank:
That's Shakespeare, now he's European.

Tom:
Jesse?

Tom:

Bob:
FRANK!

Cole:
Where you been buddy?

Jesse James:
What's going on?

Cole:
Well, nothin' really.

Frank:
...I just need a distraction.

Jesse James:
A distraction?

Jesse James:
Well why the hell didn't you just say so?

Bob:
...He's smilin'!

Cole:
That's never a good thing.

Jesse James:
Distracting enough for ya'?

Frank:
Aw, they hardly even noticed you.

Jesse James:
So your saying I could have done more to attact their attention?

Frank:
Uh-uh.

Jesse James:
Such as?

Frank:
Well you coulda' worn one of those floppy women's Easter bonnets.

Jesse James:
Yea, that would've made an impression.

Frank:
I figure.

Jesse James:
See that's your problem Frank, by the time your done figurin' out stuff, I'm already finished doin' it.

Frank:
No Jesse, YOUR problem is you're always doin' stuff before I'm finished figurin' it out.

Jesse James:
Alright, settle down. Not all this money is ours.

Bob:
Uh, well... no Jesse, it's the bank's... see that's why we had to go through all the trouble of stealing' it.

Jesse James:
Let's go home, back to our farms.

Cole:
Platin' corn, harvesting corn... and eatin' corn.

Bob:
The corn gonna shoot at me?

Cole:
Nope

Bob:
Then I love it.

Cole:
You tell anyone I said this... and I'll have to kill you cause everyone knows I'm the toughest man in this town, but you... are one terrifying son of a b*tch with them guns.

Frank:
Well, she's still talking to Jesus.

Jesse James:
What worries me is that Jesus is talkin' back!

Ma James:
I heard that.

Ma James:
You're alive!

Frank:
Not if you don't ease up a bit ma!

Rollin H Parker:
As you no doubt heard from your neighbors, our railroad is moving west...

Jesse James:
Yea, that makes sense cause, see, movin' east would put you underwater.

Rollin H Parker:
Howdy folks, how you doin' today.

Cole:
Howdy?

Jesse James:
Yea, easterners.

Clell:
What'll we do?

Jesse James:
Nothin'! You folks are gonna do nothin'! You're gonna go home right now, you too Doc, so you can swear on a Bible you don't know anything about what's gonna happen tomorrow!

Doc Mimms:
Boys...

Jesse James:
DOC! Go home. They ain't gonna hang no more Liberty boys

Zee Mimms:
Tennessee?

Jesse James:
I'll explain on the way.

Zee Mimms:
When were you planin' on telling me?

Jesse James:
I just did!

Zee Mimms:
Only cause I asked!

Jesse James:
Damn, am I ever gonna win with you?

Zee Mimms:
Don't change the subject!

Zee Mimms:
I can't believe I had to blow up a train for you!

Jesse James:
Well you are a hell of a woman...

Zee Mimms:
Don't swear!

Cole:
WHOO! Goddamn, boy! When we get back to Missouri, I'ma' tell all them little gals 'bout how little Jesse James charged the entire Union army by hisself!

Cole:
Well I'll still be better lookin', won't I?

Cole:
I'm the better soldier Jesse!

Jesse James:
And I'm the better outlaw!

Cole:
The one time that one of us comes up with an idea...

Jesse James:
A BAD idea.

Cole:
Hey, I got us through the war all right.

Jesse James:
And nearly got hanged at peace time.

Bob:
They got Cole!

Jesse James:
What happened, Bob?

Bob:
Well, those railroad men came to our place and offered to buy for two dollars an acre. And Cole - well - he kinda lost his temper.

Frank:
Oh, Lord.

Bob:
He just lost his temper a little bit!

Frank:
How many did he kill?

Frank:
Any ideas little brother?

Frank:
Oh, Lord.

Cole:
Bob, get me some bandages.

Jesse James:
And some whiskey, Bob.

Jesse James:
I think we'll make an exception this time, Jim.

Frank:
The railroad burned him out, too, you couldn't have stopped him.

Jesse James:
You're a piss-poor liar for the smartest man I know.

Jesse James:
A war against the railroad... what the hell was I thinking?

Frank:
Well, I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Jesse James:
Awww... but I like the presidential suite.

Jesse James:
Oh, but I'll get a fair trial with a jury bought off by Thaddeus Reins?

Jesse James:
I should've just killed Thaddeus Reins.

Jesse James:
I'm not hanged yet.

Jesse James:
Oh, you'll miss me.

Thaddeus Reins:
We'll speak again in Washington.

Jesse James:
Oh, you're coming on the same train? Well, I'll tell you what, I'm gonna have to pay you a visit.

Thaddeus Reins:
Big words.

Jesse James:
That's a promise.

Man:
He's chained up!

Thaddeus Reins:
What the hell is that noise?

Jesse James:
If I could get you today, then you damn sure know that I can get you anytime I want now that I'm free. You sleep on that for the next twenty years.

Jesse James:
Thank you.

Zee Mimms:
There are a few things that have to wait until after we're married.

Jesse James:
Driver, change of plans. Can you take us to the nearest church?