American Wedding

Steve Stifler:
Well polish my nuts and serve me a milkshake.

Steve Stifler:
It's time for me to boom-boom with the bridesmaids, Finch-f***er. 'Cause I'm gonna hang out with my wang out, and rock out with my cock out.

Jim's Dad:
Michelle, do you know why they call it "making love"?

Michelle:
No, I just call it boning.

Steve Stifler:
Dick. 'F***ing hate not hating you.

Paul Finch:
I did f*** your mom.

Paul Finch:
Twice...

Steve Stifler:
Hoo... That's better f***er.

Paul Finch:
But, as they say, "We'll always have Paris."

Stifler's Mom:
And the pool table.

Paul Finch:
And the car.

Stifler's Mom:
And the two-room suite I have upstairs.

Paul Finch:
Come on you.

Steve Stifler:
Hey, Finch, what's the capital of Thailand?

Steve Stifler:
Bang-cock.

Michelle:
Love isn't just a feeling. It's shaving your balls.

Jim's Dad:
Son, step away from the animal...

Steve Stifler:
If you'll excuse me, I have some sh*t to attend to.

Michelle:
So Finch, what will you do with your fancy NYU diploma?

Paul Finch:
I'll frame it.

Kevin Myers:
Guys, what are you doing here?

John:
The old b*tch sucked, so we ditched her.

Kevin Myers:
You're a hero.

Steve Stifler:
P*ssy is p*ssy.

Michelle:
Wow, Steve Stifler just gave a rose to a girl and meant it. It's like, monkeys learning to use tools for the first time.

Stifler:
My dick looks like a corn dog and I've got cake all over my balls.

Steve Stifler:
Happy "F*** Day", Ass Mouth.

Grandma:
Focus.

Michelle:
Jim, he's not doing it to be nice; he's doing it to bone Cadence.

Jim:
Look, maybe we should give him a chance. You know, I think - I think that underneath all the "f***s" and "shits" and "blow me's", there's a very sensitive person who's just thirsty for acceptance. That's... that's what I think.

Michelle:
Oh, Jim... you gotta stop masturbating... it's melting your brain.

Stifler:
It's on like Donkey Kong, beeyotch.

Jim:
Honesty, now- Honestly, would you have passed up sex with Nadia?

Jim's Dad:
Why? Did she say something?

Jim:
Hypothetically, Dad.

Jim's Dad:
Oh, hypothetically. Well, I mean, you know, Jim, I'm a married man. I'm...

Jim:
If-If-If you weren't married.

Jim's Dad:
She's a college girl.

Jim:
If you were a college guy.

Jim's Dad:
In a heartbeat. Oh yeah.

Cadence Flaherty:
So, can I see the ring?

Steve Stifler:
Nope. Promised to keep it safe. It's not leaving my pocket.

Cadence Flaherty:
Okay, Frodo.

Steve Stifler:
You hooked up with one other girl for what, ten seconds and you passed up sex with Nadia, f***ing stupid. You're like a blind man picking out his favorite porno.

Steve Stifler:
I eat the sh*t here!

Steve Stifler:
Told ya that guy wanted to f*** me.

Bear:
SO Stiffy, What do you think?

Steve Stifler:
What the f*** Buffalo Bill?

Bear:
What? Too much pink?

Steve Stifler:
It puts the dress in the drawer and does as it's told.

Bear:
Oh now that's f***ed up... THAT'S F***ED UP!

Harold Flaherty:
We're gonna need a mop.

Jim's Dad:
"Boning"? Well, when you"re not..."boning", how does Jim make you feel?

Michelle:
Hmm... horny, like I wanna bone!

Stifler:
Hey, Mr. Party Guy, how ya doin'? Ya havin' a good time? Can I get ya a Gin and Tonic? Ring-Ring, oh hold on. Hello? Yeah? Haha! It's for you, it's GET TO WORK, F***ER!

Steve Stifler:
Shhiittt, I got a frosted ass crack! Hey Finch, you want this for here, or to go?

Paul Finch:
"A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.

Steve Stifler:
"Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Steve Stifler:
Are you saying I'm impolite?

Jim:
"Impolite" would be an improvement.

Fraulein Brandi:
I put mop in fanny.

Steve Stifler:
What is this, a dance off?

Paul Finch:
Voltaire can suck on my balls!

Paul Finch:
Love life, get paid, then get laid. That is the basic philosophy of... The Finch-meister!

Kevin Myers:
Guys, here's to the next step!

Paul Finch:
Would you please shut up with that stepping?! Put your glass down!

Jim's Dad:
Why do you think, uh, Michelle, they call it "making love"?

Michelle:
I don't know. I just call it "boning".

Jim's Dad:
Boning? Well, when-when you're doing other things with Jim, when you're not... um... boning, how does he make you feel?

Michelle:
Horny, like I wanna bone.

Jim's Dad:
But-but, we can't be boning from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Michelle:
Oh, you've never tried it?

Jim's Dad:
I certainly have. I have. I've boned... from sunrise, uh, right through brunch on more than one occasion.

Finch:
Now, Jim, let me handle this. These are my people.

Stifler:
They're gay?

Finch:
No, you bleeding imbecile. They have style, they're cultured, they're sophisticated.

Stifler:
So, they're gay.

Finch:
"A witty saying proves nothing," -Voltaire.

Stifler:
"Suck my dick!" -Ron Jeremy.

Stifler:
Observe the f***ing Stif-meister. What is his defining characteristic?

Jim:
He uses the F-word excessively.

Stifler:
Thanks, man. But I also have confidence. You're one big floppy cock!

Michelle:
How did a little perv like you turn into such a great guy?

Jim:
How did a little nympho like you turn into such a great girl?

Michelle:
I'm still a nympho.

Jim:
Well, I'm still a perv.

Paul Finch:
Grandmother f***er.

Steve Stifler:
You're a motherf***er.

Paul Finch:
[smiling] Yes, I am!

Steve Stifler:
You son of a b*tch.

Stifler:
So, you upset about me and Cadence?

Finch:
Well, let's see. She wasn't into the heavy intellectual stuff; she actually enjoyed me being that imbecile. I don't know, I suppose she's better with you.

Stifler:
[pats Finch on the back and smiles] Thanks sh*t-break. [pauses and scowls] Dick. I f***ing hate not hating you.

Finch:
[grins] I did f*** your Mom...twice.

Stifler:
That's better, f***er.

Stifler's Mom:
If this is your idea of a proposal... Finchy, you've got to know I'm over you now.

Finch:
Well, as they say, we'll always have Paris.

Stifler's Mom:
And the pool table.

Finch:
And the car.

Stifler's Mom:
And the two-room suite I have upstairs...

Jim:
[following Michelle accepting his proposal] I am the happiest man in the world. [His pants fall down to reveal a huge hard-on.]

Jim's Dad:
Well, we should all be so happy.

[Kevin and Finch open the linen cupboard door where Stifler thinks he's having sex with Cadence.]

Finch:
Urgh! Stifler, Granny!

Stifler:
Granny?

[Jim's Grandmother appears, naked.]

Jim's Grandmother:
Focus, FOCUS!!!

Stifler:
Ughhh, it's not what it looks like! Shut the f***ing door!

Finch:
You got it, champ.

[Finch and Kevin immediately shuts the door. Stifler is disgusted over the realization that he had just f***ed Jim's grandmother and not Cadence]

[At the wedding, Finch and Stifler exchange words as Jim's grandmother is much kinder and polite.]

Finch:
Grandmother-f***er.

Stifler:
Yeah, well you're a motherf***er.

Finch:
Yes, I am.

Stifler:
Oh you son of a b*tch.

Someday youll be 40 and have to buy that p*ssy.

Steve Stifler:
Gee, thanks for inviting me to the graduation party, f***er.

Steve Stifler:
"Congratulation, Jism!"

Steve Stifler:
Happy "F*** Day", Ass Mouth! What happened to my invite? Get lost in the mail, Fuckface?

Steve Stifler:
Everyone wants a piece of the Stifmeister.

Steve Stifler:
Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special f***ers. Well, you know what? Im-a gonna get laid Finch-f***er and it's going to be like oh so good. And I'm gonna' be like "You like this sh*t, mama?" and she's gonna be like "F***ing right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!"

Steve Stifler:
Fine. Adios!

Steve Stifler:
Hey, flower-f***ers, you there?!

Steve Stifler:
Save it, d*ckhead, I'm working.

Steve Stifler:
This sucks! [Kevin & Finch look at him] Did I say that out loud? [Whispers to Jim] Keep going, man. It's good.

Steve Stifler:
Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass" do you not under-f***ing-stand?!

Steve Stifler:
Suck my dick. Ron Jeremy

Steve Stifler:
Dear Steve, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar

Steve Stifler:
F*** you Finch, you didn't eat sh*t OK, you didn't prance around here like a ballerina for the whole week. (Cadence appears) Oh wedding this, suck my ass that. I'm special, you're special, we're all just a bunch of special f***ers aren't we? Well, you know what? I'm-a gonna get laid Finch-f***er and it's going to be like "oh so good". It's gonna' be like "Do you like this sh*t, mama?" and she's gonna be like "F***ing right, doggy, give it to me. Suck on my nipples like you're milking a cow!" Like... [sucking noise] Moo (Not amused Cadence)[sucking noise] Moo. [sucking noise] Moo. (Looks at Cadence) You been here long?

Michelle Flaherty:
Jim, I had trouble finding the words to tell you how I feel. And I realized something. Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do. It's a dress, a visit to band camp. A special haircut. Jim, you've given me everything I ever wanted, and it is my solemn vow to give everything I am to you.

Paul Finch:
Oh, Stifler's Mom!

Paul Finch:
I did f*** your Mom... Twice!