An American Carol

Michael Malone:
Who are these people?

General George S. Patton:
They're not people, they're the ACLU!

Josh:
Oh, grandpa fell asleep again.

Timm:
No, he's dead.

Timm:
[upon Michael Malone arriving] Oh, look, it's Uncle A**hole.

Michael Malone:
[John F. Kennedy, George S. Patton and Bill O'Reilly slap Michael Malone]

[to Bill O'Reilly]

Michael Malone:
Hey, wait a minute, you're not a ghost!

Bill O'Reilly:
I know! I just enjoy slapping you.

Mohammed:
It is getting harder and harder to find suicide bombers. And all the really good ones are gone.

Bacon Stains Malone:
Don't you worry Mas'sa Malone we got dem bacon stains out of the upholstry, just like you asked. Take over Lebron, I'll do the limo.

Michael Malone:
Look can you make them stop singing.

Rastus Malone:
Hey, Mas'sa don't wanna hear that slave sh*t, kick something in the fo fo.

Michael Malone:
[misunderstanding his appearance] I always stood up for gay rights.

Angel of Death:
I am the angel of freakin' death, you turdhead.

Michael Malone:
I love America. That's why it needs to be destroyed. So that it can come to it's senses.

George Mulrooney:
[Accepting an award for a film about McCarthyism] Thank you. I dedicate this award to all the courageous filmmakers who take on tough issues like, well, McCarthyism, even though it no longer exists. Or like slavery or Nazism, even though they ended too. But you know, evil exists today like, uh, well, Islamic terrorism, but like I'm gonna make *that* movie, right? Like I wanna get beheaded! [laughs and mimics being beheaded]

[By order of the head terrorist, Aziz, a terrorist was attempting to go biking down a hill on a lightly smashed up bicycle with a large grenade like bomb tied to his back to blow up a group of insurgents. As he succeeds in going down the hill, he crashes his bicycle and flies through the air on to a car and nothing happens. Another terrorist goes down to inspect the error, realizing that he forgot to pull the pin while in the air, and in that case carelessly pulls it only to blow only him and himself up with the car]

Terrorist:
We have at least destroyed an infidel's car.

Aziz:
That was my car.