An American Werewolf in London

Jack:
Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you.

David:
Warn me?

Jack:
We were attacked by a werewolf.

David:
I'm not listening to this!

Jack:
On the moors, we were attacked by a lycanthrope, a werewolf. I was murdered, an unnatural death, and now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted.

David:
Shut up!

Jack:
The wolf's bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. It's you David.

David:
How could there have been witnesses, it was so dark. We were running and I fell and Jack went to help me up and this thing came from nowhere. I don't know what they're talking about.

Jack:
Stick to the road.

David:
Beware of the moors.

Jack:
Ooops.

Little boy:
A naked American man stole my balloons.

Jack:
Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring.

David:
I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf!

Dart Player:
Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.

Chess Player:
Beware the moon, lads.

David:
Queen Elizabeth is a man! Prince Charles is a pervert! Winston Churchill was full of sh*t! Shakespeare's French!

Jack:
Can I have a piece of toast?

David:
I'm going completely crazy.

Dart Player:
He'll change, He'll...

Chess Player:
THAT'S ENOUGH!... That's enough

Alex (Nurse Price):
David, Relax.

David:
Relax? I'm a f***ing werewolf!

Alex (Nurse Price):
Benjamin, Have you ever been severely beaten about the face and neck?

Nurse Susan Gallagher:
He's a Jew

Alex (Nurse Price):
How do you know?

Nurse Susan Gallagher:
I've had a look.

Jack:
There is nothing mediocre about Debbie Klein's body.

Jack:
Debbie Klein cried a lot So, so, you know what she does? She's soooo grief-stricken, she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed.

David:
Mark... Levine?

Jack:
An a**hole! Life mocks me even in death!

Gerald Bringsley:
Whereas I, am a victim, of your carnivorous, lunar activities.

Hospital Porter:
Don't ask me, I'm just an orderly. I push things around.

Alex (Nurse Price):
Shall I be forced to feed you, David?

Jack:
Now, I'm really sorry to be upsetting you, but I have to warn you.

David:
Warn me?

Jack:
We were attacked by a werewolf.

David:
[putting his hands over his ears] I'm not listening to this!

Jack:
On the moors, we were attacked by a lycanthrope, a werewolf. I was murdered, an unnatural death, and now I walk the earth in limbo until the werewolf's curse is lifted.

David:
Shut up!

Jack:
The wolf's bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed. It's you, David.

David:
How could there have been witnesses? It was so dark. We were running, and I fell and Jack went to help me up, and this thing came from nowhere. I don't know what they're talking about.

Jack:
It's a full moon...

Jack, David:
[remembering the warning they received] Beware the moon...

David:
And stick to the road. Oops.

Jack:
I vote we go back to the Slaughtered Lamb.

Little boy:
A naked American man stole my balloons.

Jack:
Have you tried talking to a corpse? It's boring.

David:
I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf!

Dart Player:
Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.

Chess Player:
Beware the moon, lads.

[trying to get arrested in Trafalgar Square]

David:
Queen Elizabeth is a man! Prince Charles is a f*ggot! Winston Churchill was full of sh*t! Shakespeare's French!

[Appearing for the first time as the undead]

Jack:
Can I have a piece of toast?

David:
[while transforming] I didn't mean to call you a meat loaf, Jack!

David:
[to himself] I'm going completely crazy.

Dart Player:
[to Dr. Hirsch] He'll change, He'll...

Chess Player:
THAT'S ENOUGH!... That's enough.

Alex:
Benjamin, have you ever been severely beaten about the face and neck?

Nurse Susan Gallagher:
He's a Jew.

Alex:
How do you know?

Nurse Susan Gallagher:
I've had a look.

Jack:
There is nothing mediocre about Debbie Klein's body.

Jack:
[describing his funeral] Debbie Klein cried a lot. So, so, you know what she does? She's soooo grief-stricken, she runs to find solace in Mark Levine's bed.

David:
Mark... Levine?

Jack:
An a**hole! Life mocks me even in death!

Gerald Bringsley:
[accusing David of his murder] Whereas I am a victim of your carnivorous lunar activities.

Hospital Porter:
Don't ask me, I'm just an orderly. I push things around.

Alex:
Shall I be forced to feed you, David?

Sean's Wife:
[looking out the window as the werewolf kills two people] Sean, I think there are some hooligans in the park again.

Jack:
You scared me, you shithead!

Alf:
Here! Who's there?

Ted:
That's not Winston!

Alf:
Look! There!

Joseph:
Mary, mother of God!

Dart Player:
You made me miss.

Jack:
Sorry.

Dart Player:
I've never missed that board before.

Taxi Driver:
Puts you in mind of the days of the old demon barber of Fleet Street, don't it?

Alex:
Sorry?

Taxi Driver:
The murders.

David:
What murders?

Taxi Driver:
Haven't you heard? Last night... six of 'em. All in different parts of the city, all mutilated. He must be a real right maniac, this fella.

David:
Maybe it's a sheep dog... let's keep going.

Mr. Collins:
These dumb ass kids. They never appreciate what you do for them.

[still discussing how David can kill himself in order to lift the curse]

Harry Berman:
A gun is good.

Judith Browns:
You just put the gun to your forehead and pull the trigger.

Gerald Bringsley:
If you put it in your mouth, then you'd be sure not to miss.

David:
Thank you, you're all so thoughtful.

David:
I'm going to the police. Jack was right.

Alex:
Jack is dead!

David:
Jack is dead and six people are dead. There's gonna be a full moon tonight. I'm going to the cops.

Alex:
David, please be rational. Let's go to Dr. Hirsch.

David:
Yeah, be rational, sure. I'm a f***ing werewolf, for Christ's sake!

Jack:
Ah, f***, David... what IS THAT?

Jack:
Those sheep sh*t on my pack.

Jack:
[to the truck driver] You have very beautiful sheep.

Jack:
Did you hear that?

David:
I heard that.

Jack:
What was it?

David:
Could be a lot of things.

Jack:
Yeah?

David:
A coyote.

Jack:
There aren't any coyotes in England.

David:
The Hound of the Baskervilles.

Jack:
Pecos Bill.

David:
Heathcliff.

Jack:
Heathcliff didn't howl!

David:
No, but he was on the moors.

David:
Nurse!

Jack:
Listen to me!

David:
[crying] Nurse!

Jack:
The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It's boring! I'm lonely! Kill yourself, David, before you kill others. [David continues crying] Please don't cry.

David:
I'm a werewolf.

Alex:
Are you alright?

David:
I don't know, I'll let you know the next full moon.

Jack:
David, you are hurting my feelings!

David:
Hurting your feelings? Has it occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you arise from the grave to visit me?

[first lines]

Truck Driver:
That way is Proctor, and over here is the moors. I go this way.

Jack:
Thanks for the ride, sir. You have lovely sheep.

Truck Driver:
Boys, keep off the moors, stick to the roads. The best to ya...

David:
Thanks again. [then to the sheep] We'll miss you.

David:
Bye girls...

Jack:
Beware the moon, David.

[last lines]

Alex:
I love you David.

David:
Maybe its a sheep dog... lets keep going

Chess Player:
There was this airplane over the Atlantic on its way to New York. It was full of men from the United Nations. So halfway over the ocean the engines run low on petrol so they have to lighten the plane. So they heave out all the baggage, but it's still too heavy. So they chuck out the seats, but it's still too heavy! Finally this Froggy steps up and shouts "Viva la France" and leaps out. Then an Englishman steps up and shouts 'God save the Queen!' and leaps out. But the plane is still too heavy. So the Yank delegate from Texas steps up, shouts, 'Remember the Alamo!' and chucks out the Mexican.

Surely I'm not that impressive.

No. No, sir, you're not.