An Idiot Abroad

[first lines]

Narrator:
The seven wonders of the world. Christ the Redeemer. The Taj Mahal. The Great Pyramids. Truly man's greatest achievements. But there's one man who sees them differently.

Himself - Presenter:
[viewing a picture of the pyramids] If that was on my road, the counsel would be on it to go get that down. It's a death trap.

Himself - Executive Producer:
Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick.

Himself - Presenter:
Great place to live. If you're deaf.

Himself - Presenter:
[finding the garlic] I've heard that cockroaches are, like, the toughest thing that's on the planet. They say, like, there's a nuclear bomb, they'll carry on living. Yet in Celso's kitchen, dead.

Himself - Presenter:
From a distance, Jesus, top of a hill, looking like he's about to bungee jump. You pass it, you go, there he is. Great, what else are we doing? That's enough, really for me.

Himself - Presenter:
[after being fitted into an extravagant, blue carnival costume] Andy Pandy on crack.

Himself - Presenter:
[Looking at the Great Wall of China] You know, you can see it for miles - goes on for miles, over the hills and everything. But, so does the M6. Do you know what I mean? You can see that for miles. And you go great. And that does a job. You can drive on that.

Himself - Presenter:
To be honest with you, it's not the "great" wall, it's an "all right" wall. It's the All Right Wall of China.

Himself - Presenter:
You see, I don't know where it stops. Where's the line between food and insect. If she gets up in the morning and sees a spider in the bath, what does she do? Oh, of course, I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow, I'll eat this now. [disconcerted sigh]

[last lines]

Himself - Presenter:
There's an old Chinese proverb, by this Mao fellow, that says a toad in a well only gets to see some of the sky. And if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world. Which, you know, is a bit like me in a way. I've seen more of the world just from doing this. I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying it is. He's saying that if you get out of the well and see the bigger picture, it's good for you. But I say it isn't. And the thing is, it's not even worth getting out to see more sky, 'cause of all the pollution. And definitely, if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of it any old way, 'cause they'll grab you and cut your head off and they'll eat you.

Karl:
It's not even a skill that I want to learn, really - Sumo. What training do they have to do? It's just pure... it's just eating innit? That's the workout. It's just something for fat people to do, which is good, 'cause fat people haven't got many sports, you know. I suppose it gets them off their ass. I just don't want to be under it.

Karl:
[about special fish dish] It's a lovely box. I'm not moaning about the delivery, the tray is lovely. Nice little bowls it comes with - beautiful. But that should be on there [puts the cover back on] , should be nailed shut, and buried.

Karl:
[having been criticized for his raking not being straight enough] That's OCD. That's not Buddhism, that's OCD. It won't surprise me, he's probably... he'll finish his raking and he'll go in and just separate all his Smarties, 'cuz he only eats red ones or something. He's got a problem there.

Karl:
I never liked to travel. I didn't go abroad 'til I was 21, 22, and now I've been all over the shop. And I don't know if it's changed me that much, really. When I go home I still like a biscuit and a cup of tea. Cup of tea, and you know, dunking a biscuit, I'm well happy. And that's the right way to be, isn't it? 'Cuz you can be into traveling, but the world's only so big, isn't it? So eventually you're gonna run out of places to visit. Whereas biscuits, there's loads of them.

Karl:
My feet haven't touched the ground. I can't believe I'm getting in another plane. I've been in the air more than some pigeons. Pigeons seem to walk about more than I've been doing the last two days.

Karl:
I've always thought it'd be handy having a volcano close to hand. Just to get rid of, you know, old mattresses, old chest of drawers you don't want. It's a pain in the ass, though, isn't it, when you've got to call the council 25 quid at a time. Chuck it in that big hole. I'd love that at home. Some sort of big burning hole that you just chuck stuff in.

Karl:
I say happiness is like having a cake. If you have a cake every day, you get sick of that cake. If you're happy all the time, you get sick of being happy. That's a good saying actually. Happiness is like a cake - have too much of it, you get sick of it.

Karl:
Typical isn't it? The day I'm leaving, the sun comes out. It's the Pilkington luck.

Himself - Executive Producer:
Okay, spend a night on your own desert island, in your pants. Yeah?

Karl:
You could go a bit mad though, yeah?

Himself - Executive Producer, Himself - Executive Producer:
Not in a day!

Himself - Executive Producer:
If I was there you could.

Himself - Executive Producer:
[goading him] I think you're taking a piss, mate.

Karl:
What do you mean taking a piss? I mean, if you could see where I am, I'm not taking a piss. This no decent holiday, this. I'm sacked with a load of luggage here, with my knees in the back of the pilot.

Himself - Executive Producer:
It's supposed to be things to do before you die.

Karl:
You are! I've got to try and just control this, otherwise you're gonna end up killing me.

Karl:
[eating gourmet food on a classy pier over clear blue water] I'm not enjoying it as much as I normally would. 'Cause Ricky and Steve have sorted it out, and a bit of me's thinking, why are they doing this? It's almost like being in a private hospital. Yeah, you're getting a comfy bed, you're getting good food - tomorrow you're having a leg off. You know what mean?

Karl Pilkington:
[looking at pyramid] It's like a game of Jenga that's got out of hand.

Ricky Gervais:
I think you've got to blend in. When in Rome...

Karl Pilkington:
Yeah, but I told you, when in Rome, I'm happy to go along with it. I'll eat pasta.

[Ricky laughs raucously]

Karl Pilkington:
But when in Egypt, they don't say do they? When in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch.

Karl Pilkington:
[looking at bits of rubbish flying around in the wind] Yeah, you don't see that in the brochure, do you? Shitty old nappy whizzing through the air. They tend to leave that out.

Himself - Presenter:
[looking at the Taj Mahal] Did he treat her well when she was knockin' around?

Himself - Interviewer:
Well, she was one of four wives.

Himself - Presenter:
Know what I mean? One of four wives... "Ya know, I had three other wives. I shouldn't o' done that, really. Let's stick her in something that's nice."... Now she's dead, it's too late. It's too late, mate. Can't come crawling back once she's dead.

Karl Pilkington:
Camels have been around for years. The ships of the desert. That's what they're known as. We've ended up with Titanic.

Karl Pilkington:
I've not seen any cows, so I don't know where's it's come from. I'm not fond of milk any way. It's not being rude, I just don't want to eat it. I don't want to get ill. I'm surprised they don't want me to get ill, 'cause we're all sharing that little toilet. [points at the make shift outhouse]

Ricky Gervais:
Why did you do it again? You swore you'd never do it again. You swore *on camera*.

Karl Pilkington:
It's a job, innit? Just got to earn a livin'. I'm on a programme called "Idiot Abroad" - job offers aren't, you know, whizzin' in.

Karl Pilkington:
Me taste buds have just been mugged.

Karl:
Give loads to charity. Helping old people. Deaf kids. Save the kids. If anything, I'd say I'm single-handedly causing the world's population problem, 'cause I'm saving everyone. I'm like Superman.

Karl:
[watching hippo leave] That's Suzzane from the back... [to cameraman] Can't use that.

Guide:
You don't want to follow the wrong foot prints, do we?

Karl:
No. How often a week are you licking sh*t?

Himself - Presenter:
[about native woman with axe] It's mad, isn't it? No matter where you live there's a nutter.

Himself - Presenter:
[about the high altitude] They didn't tell you that, do they. Come see the wonder, and suffocate to death.

[last lines]

Himself - Presenter:
[viewing Machu Picchu] I'm struggling here, if I'm honest with you. I don't know how to sell it with... Do you like llamas?

Karl:
Aren't the Amish meant to be great believers in sharing and all that? Not being selfish? T-This might be a good place to get Suzanne a gift... for free.

Karl:
If you're living the dream, how do you know if you're awake or if you're asleep?

Karl:
She's going, "are you having fun now?" Eh, no I'm not. Or is it just an American thing? Do they have fun? The word fun and all, it's almost as if you're going around, "are you having some fun?" Er, no I rather not, actually. I don't want fun. It's a word I just don't use.

Karl:
I like Jim, though. Had his vest on, ready for action. Three guns, a rifle. We're only having a barbeque.

Karl:
The fact that we have to take medics with us says to me we shouldn't be going there.

Karl:
Sharks are always dangerous. Jaws, Shark Attack One, Two, and Three. Three films there. There was a chance for him to get friendly. Didn't. An angry shark for three films.

Rodney:
[showing pictures of himself after getting attacked by a shark] They took a photograph of me before they stitched me up. See those individual teeth marks? The chances of this happening to you or anybody else are so small...

Himself - Presenter:
But, someone would have said that to you, before it happened to you.

Rodney:
That's right. But records are meant to be broken.

Karl:
[about to meet a ladyboy] Well, it's kind of like a, like a trany person, isn't it. It's like a, a bloke who prefers to be more like a woman. But I don't know if it's like gay, or is it like Eddie Izzard where it's just, ya know, oh I like wearing bras and knickers and stuff, and then you take them off and you're a bloke again. I don't know how committed they are. I don't know if you get different levels of commitment. But at the end of the day, how much, ya know, I suppose I'll be looking for little signs of blokage.

Karl:
[watching monkeys] That's like, that one's me. And that's Ricky and Steve there. That's Ricky on top of my, winding me up. And then I'm sick of it.

Luke:
Which one's Steve?

Karl:
The one in the corner playing itself. There's Ricky again: "Let's do another Series. I'd rather not. Well, come on then."

[last lines]

Karl:
[in shark cage] This is like when you're driving and you get a wasp in the car, you can't relax. Good God, that's a biggie. He's coming towards us. That - is - massive. [as it bites the cage] It's the size of a sofa!

Karl Pilkington:
You see, I don't know where it stops. Where's the line between food and insect. If she gets up in the morning and sees a spider in the bath, what does she do? Oh, of course, I'll leave the croissant for tomorrow, I'll eat this now. [disconcerted sigh]

Karl Pilkington:
To be honest with you, it's not the "great" wall, it's an "all right" wall. It's the All Right Wall of China.

[last lines]

Karl Pilkington:
There's an old Chinese proverb, by this Mao fellow, that says a toad in a well only gets to see some of the sky. And if the toad came up, he'd see more of the world. Which, you know, is a bit like me in a way. I've seen more of the world just from doing this. I don't know if it's made me a better person or not, but he's saying it is. He's saying that if you get out of the well and see the bigger picture, it's good for you. But I say it isn't. And the thing is, it's not even worth getting out to see more sky, 'cause of all the pollution. And definitely, if you're a toad, I wouldn't get out of it any old way, 'cause they'll grab you and cut your head off and they'll eat you.

Karl:
That's probably why they put those domes on the Taj Mahal, innit, to stop people from putting sh*t on his roof.

[first lines]

Himself - Executive Producer:
They're going to have the adventure of a lifetime. Whether they like it or not.

Taxi Driver:
I hope you do not value your life too much and got good life insurance. The brakes on this car just failed. It's the worst car I ever bought. It's British and I never thought a car could be made that bad.

Karl:
Right.

Taxi Driver:
What brings you here?

Karl:
Well, I'm going on the train, the Trans-Siberian Railway. It's things to do before you die. Have you been on it?

Taxi Driver:
Why would I want to do something that's totally predictable? I'll leave it to you British. You will be packed in a smelly carriage with Russians who will not wash for a week but they will drink a lot. Siberia is nothing, just one huge field.

Karl:
You're not selling it to me.

Taxi Driver:
Anyway, what did you want to see? The Red Square?

Karl:
Whatever you think is worth seeing here.

Taxi Driver:
Nothing.

Interviewer:
What superpower would you like, then?

Karl:
I can't help you with one. I'd be bullshit man. There's so many meetings going on where, you know people are bullshitting. I'd just like to walk in. I wouldn't need a special costume, just dressed like this and I would fly in and I'd go, "Bullshit. He's talking bullshit." And they'd go, "Oh. He's Bullshit Man." And I'd go, "Yea. It is Bullshit Man. You're talking bullshit." And eventually, people would stop talking bullshit. Anything that's going on in the world: A bloke selling a car that's knackered, and he's going to say it's a great one, and it's [whoosh] "Bullshit!"

Ricky Gervais:
You can't miss him. He has cutlery stuck to his face.

Karl Pilkington:
I look like an acorn.

Ricky Gervais:
How long are you on the toilet?

Karl:
Ages. I sit there loads.

Ricky Gervais:
Why?

Karl:
It's just me time, isn't it. I like to sit in there. It's me, there's no one else coming in there annoying me in there. Everywhere else I go in the house, Suzzane is there. "You haven't do this yet, have you called them yet? That needs fixing." She doesn't come in there. Shut the door, sit there, me legs go numb. That's, that's a thing for me that I got to get off in a minute. Because otherwise she'll have to come in there and help me off.

Karl:
[getting strapped into the G-force centrifuge] Have I ever done anything like this before? What, gone in a tumble dryer?

Karl:
Me brain is always against me. Me brain is never on my side. The brain will make me panic. It'll be going, what are you doing? There's worms in here. You could die here.

Karl:
I've seen a lot of whale bones knocking about. Everywhere you look. They're just dotted around. Big massive whale bones. I mean, that's the problem with eating whale when you think about it. It's not like a chicken where you can just give the bones to a cat or stick it in the bin. You've got a big massive bone about the size of a Ford Fiesta. Everyone knows what you've had for your tea. It's out in the garden. Big massive bone. Can't get shut off.

Karl:
[standing in snow-covered landscape] What's the point in this program being in HD? It's a waste of time being in colour. It's giving me a headache.

Richard:
He wants you to appreciate the damage that global warming is doing.

Karl:
It's not me who wants to be told. It's Suzanne at home. She's into wasting energy. Hair dryer. Doing her hair all the time. No, I don't do that. I am energy efficient 'cause I'm bald. I'm not wasting hot water washing me hair. No hair dryer. If she cared so much, shave her head.

Talent:
You alright?

Karl:
[exhausted] Yeah. You're using all me breath up. You keep saying, "you alright," I've got to say yeah, then I use my breath up.

Talent:
Okay. You sure?

Talent:
I wrote this song, you ready? It goes like this.

Talent:
[strumming his guitar] I really caribou you. I'm a loon when you're a whale. It's hard for me to bear, 'cuz I love you so dear. I really caribou you. You're salmon special to me.

Talent:
Anything up there that moves or smells is food to the polar bear. Anything.

Karl:
They actually dig you out?

Talent:
If you're in a shelter, yeah. They dig you right out of there.

Karl:
Maybe that's why not many people stay in igloos now, isn't it? I mean, that's like a fridge full of food.

Woman:
[handing him a ziplock bag] We eat it fresh, or eat it frozen.

Karl:
It's just that when I said I came here to see a whale, I meant swimming. Not in a carrier bag.

[last lines]

Himself - Executive Producer:
[on voice message] Alright, um, I hope you enjoyed the whales. Amazing. I just wanted to put your mind at rest. I know you missed that prostate exam. But do not worry, I've arranged for you to have one as soon as you get back in England. So, um, yeah, relax. Alright buddy, see ya later.