Andy Barker, P.I.

Andy Barker:
Well, if they're coming tonight, let's be ready for 'em.

Wally:
I'll be there for you, Andy. The enemy of my friend is my enemy, my friend.

Simon:
Oh-hohoho a reverse stakeout! We'll probably be here all night. [suddenly serious] I don't want any cracks about my retainer.

Andy Barker:
Jenny, refridge my rice pudding. I gotta go back to the office.

Andy Barker:
Excuse my French, but I am P.O.'d! And I would like to know what's going on.

Lew Staziak:
I told you about Peter Jacobsmeyer, right?

Andy Barker:
No.

Lew Staziak:
[sighs] Drugs keep my ticker going but my brain's shutting down.

Lew Staziak:
What in hell is that?

Simon:
It's a stakeout, I got coffee.

Lew Staziak:
Coffee? [takes a cup] I'm growing a set of jugs just looking at this thing.

Andy Barker:
Well why do we have to lie about who we are?

Simon:
We need a backstory. Nobody's gonna tell an accountant and a video store manager where she is.

Loretta's Roomate:
[opens door] Yeah?

Andy Barker:
Hi, eh, we're looking for Loretta Crispin. We were hoping that -

Loretta's Roomate:
She went to a bar downtown, the Brunswick House.

Andy Barker:
Oh. Well that's all we want, thanks very much.

Simon:
Hi. We're movie producers. We think she would be perfect on our upcoming film.

Loretta's Roomate:
It's on Figaro or Western Hugh.

Andy Barker:
Yeah, I know that intersection, thank you.

Simon:
Well, it's an underwater action drama about a mutated lion that lives in the ocean and attacks shipping lanes. It's called Sea-Cat!

Loretta's Roomate:
She's wearing a grey silk top, grey skirt, black pearl necklace and matching earings.

Andy Barker:
Sounds like she'll be easy to find, thank you very much.

Simon:
[laughs] I'll bet General Jackson could jog your memory...

Wally:
Finally. I get to administer frontier justice. Today, I am an Americaaaaaaaaan! [charges of brandishing a meat cleaver]

Andy Barker:
This is gonna go down fast. Girls like Loretta have a radar for sniffing out the biggest dork in the place...

Loretta Crispin:
Hi there.

Andy Barker:
Oh! Hi, hey!

Simon:
[quoting from the movie 'Death Blimp'] Somebody call the park ranger, they're gonna slam together. [imitates a girly scream]

Andy Barker:
Oh boy, there you are. With all your lady business out.

Loretta Crispin:
[trying to get Andy's pants off] Don't you wanna have some fun?

Andy Barker:
[pretending to be drugged] More fun with pants done up...

Lew Staziak:
Wanna make a quick two grand?

Andy Barker:
What are you doing here? It's 3 o'clock in the morning.

Lew Staziak:
Not in Hong Kong it's not.

Lew Staziak:
To Andy: "Hey, what's the matter kid? You look lower than the nipples on a wet nurse at the orphanage."

Andy Barker:
[on golf course] Oh fudge! You know, I cannot hit my pitching wedge.

Guy Helverson:
I like to think that I'm 66% not bodyfat.

Jenny Barker:
[about Guy] What do you want me to say, Mr. Detective-man? That I found him attractive? Ok, I did.

Andy Barker:
[shocked] He was so huge! And he, he was kinda dirty...

Jenny Barker:
Back when you and I both worked at Bryson and White, if I knew he was coming in, I'd get a little bit dressed up. And I wasn't the only woman who did, either.

Andy Barker:
He was smelly too, I mean, he was pretty smelly.

Jenny Barker:
Those are called pheromones, Andy! And he was lousy with 'em.

Nicole:
[talking on headset] Andy, it's Nicole your assistant.

Andy Barker:
[on mobile phone] I never hired you. Would you please leave now!

Andy Barker:
[on mobile phone] Look, I ca- [puts on more masculine voice] I can't deal with this right now. I'm on a stakeout.

Nicole:
[talking on headset] You're not coming in? Look, I would appreciate it if you would let me know that type of thing the night before. I busted my ass to get here by 11 o'clock.

Andy Barker:
Guy Helverson was a heart attack waiting to happen. The man kept a thermos of emergency bisc. The affair proves nothing I still don't see how he was murdered.

Lew Staziak:
[entering the premesis] You're right, he wasn't. I got Guy's toxicology report. His pumper crapped out. A heart attack.

Andy Barker:
Hi there, we're wondering if we could take a look at a tape of a lesson that June Park gave to Guy Helverson last Tuesday.

Golf course attendant:
Oh, no problem, let me check.

Lew Staziak:
[grabs the guy by the sweater and pulls half him over the counter] Listen, hippie You take your orders from me, not Charlie Manson, now you get us that tape or I'll shove a hoover -

Andy Barker:
Lew, the guy said he would get us the tape!

Andy Barker:
You read lips?

Nicole:
Fluently.

Andy Barker:
Why do you know how to do that?

Nicole:
I have a deaf brother.

Simon:
I like Stevie Wonder.

Andy Barker:
I enjoyed it. It was a rush.

Jenny Barker:
Andy, are you doing pot?

Andy Barker:
You know that feeling that I get when I hit the equal sign on the calculator and the number on the calculator is the same number that's on the worksheet? It felt like that, honey.

Miss Congeniality 2 doll:
[Sandra Bullock's voice from Miss Congeniality] You think I'm gorgeous, you wanna kiss me.

Andy Barker:
No, seriously, what is that?

Simon:
It's a remote controlled Sandra Bullock doll from Miss Congeniality 2.

Andy Barker:
Oh, score! Man, I didn't think they could top Miss Congeniality, but they came pretty darn close.

Simon:
It's counterfeit. I made it to mock the movie.

Andy Barker:
[getting an error on the internet because a website has expired] Oh cheese and crackers!

Lew Staziak:
Welcome to Stalingrad, kiddo.

Andy Barker:
What do you mean?

Lew Staziak:
You're in with the Cossacks, buddy, the Russian mob. They take their orders straight from Khrushchev.

Andy Barker:
Khrushchev? Hasn't he been out of office...

Andy Barker:
I don't suppose you wanna take over the case?

Lew Staziak:
Me? [coughs] No way. I mean there's nothing I like better than kickin' the brown bread out of a bunch of commies high on potato juice, but I'm out of the game.

Andy Barker:
[having just accepted another case] I got hot links I was gonna grill.

Andy Barker:
I just don't know where to start.

Simon:
You just need to bring... [raises right fist] ...the thunder [raises left fist] '... and the lightning.

Andy Barker:
You got walnut in your teeth.

Simon:
Oh crap.

Andy Barker:
Hey Wally, is that a security camera?

Wally:
Yeah. I tape everything.

Andy Barker:
Does that also tape the parking lot?

Wally:
No. Lincoln watches the store. [snaps fingers] Nixon got the parking lot.

Lew Staziak:
Blond one did it. Probably a Samoan. Those peach eatin' bastards will steal anything you ain't stuffed down your pants.

Lew Staziak:
No disrespect to your wife, but it's amazing you ever got that oven-jockey to uncross her honeysticks for you.

Andy Barker:
[pause] That is disrespectful.

Lew Staziak:
[threatening a small boy] Listen up, punk-ass. You give us Snowball back or I'll step on you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants just to jump on a trampoline. I'll make your little miserable island hoppin' life so hellish you'll wish you never climbed out of your momies babymaker.

Lew Staziak:
[to Andy] Give 'em the bad cop.

Simon:
Andy, it's time to get Snowball.

Andy Barker:
We're gonna bag us an elephant.

Beznik:
[Beznik offers Andy the stuffed toy he's looking for] First my friend, we must do the dance.

Andy Barker:
[totally exhausted] Dance, what dance? We gotta go.

Beznik:
Oh, Andy, it's the [sing song voice] how much do you want this dance. How much do you want this? [starts spinning round and dragging Andy along]

Dr. Cey:
[pointing a gun at Snowball] Stay away or the elephant gets it!

Andy Barker:
Please! Don't hurt that toy.

Dr. Cey:
[laughs] Once again, Barker, I bested you!

Andy Barker:
We just met on Wednesday.

Dr. Cey:
So long, babies!

Beznik:
[arriving on bicycle] Nobody puts babies in the corner!

Andy Barker:
[to Simon] Mmm, this tea is wonderful. [to Wally] Is this chamomile?

Wally:
Yes it is. But I am sorry, it is pronounced Camel Milk.

Wally:
I have combined Americans love of sex, guns and chickpea.

Andy Barker:
That's the big three.

Simon:
[Lew and Andy are off on another case] Alright it's go time! I'll get in back.

Lew Staziak:
Actually it's stay time. [drives off]

Simon:
[shouting] You win this round, Lew Staziac, but when vengeance strikes, it will be swift - [is hit in the head by humus from a humus gun]

Andy Barker:
We go to San Diego. My kids are crazy about Sea World.

Lew Staziak:
They wouldn't be if they knew what was burried under Shamu's tank.

Andy Barker:
[finding a letter stuck in a door] What the helicopter?

Wally:
Excuse me Lew Staziak my friend, I need to speak to my friend Andy my friend.

Rita Spaulding:
Well aren't you just the cat's pajama's. You are aren't you? [puts on thick glasses] Oh, hell yes! [groans suggestively]

Andy Barker:
[Rita has one wooden leg] I'm sorry about your leg...

Rita Spaulding:
Oh, it's no biggie. There's a girl in D-Block who lost the other one. Now we buy shoes together.

Andy Barker:
You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder.

Rita Spaulding:
That's right, couldn't have done that. I was in the Brown Derby at the time.

Andy Barker:
Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove.

Rita Spaulding:
Well, whoever framed me got everybody to done me up.

Andy Barker:
So no one saw you going in?

Rita Spaulding:
No, I was with a married guy. We went in the back door.

Lew Staziak:
[standing in doorframe] We did that a few times, didn't we doll?

Rita Spaulding:
Well Lew Staziak as I live and breathe. Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of the Brown Derby.

Lew Staziak:
So was I.

Rita Spaulding:
No, I mean the back door of the restaurant.

Lew Staziak:
Oh. I didn't go there.

Andy Barker:
Eh, Lew what are you doing here?

Lew Staziak:
I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one. She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands.

Rita Spaulding:
Still got two of those.

Rita Spaulding:
[shouting] Oh, and tell Lew I'm sorry I broke his heart! [quietly] And burned his house.

Wally:
[to one of his two remaining Hoomus Hotties] You, chicken? You're out. Andy says go pull a sled, you dog

John Leibowitz:
I am John Leibowitz.

Andy Barker:
You are?

John Leibowitz:
I changed my name when I came to this country. There was much prejudice against the Chinese people. But who doesn't love a Jew?

Lew Staziak:
You ever had your heart broke by a one legged lady?

Bartender:
Change lady to dude, and yeah.

Lew Staziak:
You gay?

Bartender:
Yeah. This is a gay bar.

Lew Staziak:
Hey, you said you had a visit from Micky. You sure it was him?

Andy Barker:
I got a video of him with my phone.

Lew Staziak:
Yeah, and I just flew over here on my toaster.

Mickey Doyle:
Starting that fire's one of the best moves I ever made. I destroyed the evidence from six different crimes I committed.

Andy Barker:
Where are we going?

Mickey Doyle:
[pressing a gun in Andy's back] Parts of you are going to fifty different places around the city.

Lew Staziak:
So how's your wine, Sweetheart?

Rita Spaulding:
Well, it's better than the stuff we used to make in my toilet.

Jenny Barker:
You guys are adorable!

Lew Staziak:
[Lew finds out his old girlfriend is dead] So long, sweetheart. Somewhere in hell, somebody's putting the wood to a quality broad.

Lew Staziak:
Everybody eats chicken. Some, like me, for revenge.

Simon:
Thanks for letting me come.

Andy Barker:
You were hiding in the back seat of my car.

Simon:
I'm just saying I appreciate it.

Simon:
Hey, this address is right near a girl I used to date. [laughs] Yeah, I can't go within 500 feet of that place.

Lew Staziak:
Take that, Castro! [hits a punching bag]

Lew Staziak:
What is it, take your daughter to work day?

Simon:
It is an honor to be ribbed by you, sir.

Lew Staziak:
I'm not ribbin, I just honestly want to know why you're dressed up in men's clothes.

Lew Staziak:
You don't laugh at a man for screaming at a chicken. They're prehistoric for God's sake!

Andy Barker:
Why did we even go to Lew? Half of what he says is crazy.

Simon:
Unless it's not...

Andy Barker:
Please... a murderous chicken cartel? That doesn't exist.

Simon:
Unless it does...

Andy Barker:
Stop doing that!

Andy Barker:
Honey, once again I am so sorry that I ruined your barbeque. It's just this case I'm working on.

Jenny Barker:
You know what you're working on? My last nerve. Whatever that means. I'm feeling angry.

Andy Barker:
Well, where do I start? I mean, I don't have a lead. What's my way in ?

Jenny Barker:
If I know Andy Barker, you'll find a way in. For Willy.

Andy Barker:
That's Wally.

Jenny Barker:
Yeah, well, he should change that. He's in America now.

Andy Barker:
[Andy's trashbag rips] Oh, Mother Hubbard!

Lew Staziak:
I'm looking for a hot number named Dolores Freeman. Tell her Lew's here.

Federal Office employee:
You can tell her yourself if you got a ouija board. [points to pictures of deceased employees on the wall]

Lew Staziak:
Thanks for the coffee.

Simon:
Oh, you're welcome, Lew.

Lew Staziak:
[grunts after taking a sip] Guess you didn't need to bring sugar, you got plenty in your shoes.

Lew Staziak:
Either they're going to a costume party, or Andy asked Daniel Boone the wrong question.

Simon:
[scared] Lew, are you insane?

Lew Staziak:
[threatening] Yes.

Tom Larivee:
[aiming an antique pistol at Andy] Now get in my Bentley and shut up!

Andy Barker:
Isn't the hostage supposed to drive?

Tom Larivee:
Nobody but me drives Lady Gabrielle.

Tom Larivee:
[Larivee has fired an antique weapon at Andy but missed completely] It's Aaron Burr's, it hasn't been cleaned in 200 years.