Animal Crackers

Capt. Spaulding:
How much would you charge to run into an open manhole?

Ravelli:
Just the cover charge.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, drop in sometime.

Ravelli:
Sewer.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

Capt. Spaulding:
You left out a Hoongadoonga. The most important one, too.

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
Captain, this leaves me speechless.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, see that you remain that way.

Capt. Spaulding:
Africa is God's country, and he can have it.

Capt. Spaulding:
Take the marriage problem. Take the foreign problem. Take Abyssinia. Say, you take Abyssinia and I'll take a hot fudge sundae on rye bread.

Capt. Spaulding:
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

Capt. Spaulding:
You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

Capt. Spaulding:
Signor Ravelli's first selection will be "Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping" with a male chorus.

Capt. Spaulding:
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west, and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Capt. Spaulding:
Gentlemen... question mark.

Capt. Spaulding:
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.

Capt. Spaulding:
Have you met Conductor Hennessey?

Inspector Hennessey:
Inspector.

Capt. Spaulding:
*You* inspect her.

Capt. Spaulding:
When you come near a song, let me know.

Capt. Spaulding:
Living with your folks... living with your folks... the beginning of the end... drab, dead yesterdays shutting out beautiful tomorrows... hideous, stumbling footsteps creaking along the misty corridors of time... and in those corridors I see figures... straaange figures... weeeird figures: Steel 186, Anaconda 74, American Can 138.

Capt. Spaulding:
Pardon me while I have a strange interlude.

Capt. Spaulding:
Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast?

Capt. Spaulding:
Play that song about the Irish chiropodist.

Ravelli:
Irish chiropodist?

Capt. Spaulding:
"My Fate Is In Your Hands".

Capt. Spaulding:
Did someone call me schnorrer?

Horatio Jamison:
He went into the jungle where all the monkeys throw nuts.

Capt. Spaulding:
If I stay here, I'll go nuts.

Capt. Spaulding:
Hey, hey!

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
He is the only white man who covered every acre...

Capt. Spaulding:
I think I'll try and make her...

Capt. Spaulding:
I'm sick of these conventional marriages. One woman and one man was good enough for your grandmother, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Nobody, not even your grandfather.

Capt. Spaulding:
A party. I came here for a party. And what happened? Nothing. Not even ice cream.

Guests:
Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer!

Spaulding:
Did someone call me schnorrer?

Guests:
Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Guests: He put all his reliance In courage and defiance And risked his life for science.

Spaulding:
Hey, hey!

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
He is the only white man who covered every acre...

Spaulding:
I think I'll try and make her...

Guests:
Hooray, hooray, hooray!

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
You are one of the musicians, but you were not due until tomorrow.

Ravelli:
Couldn't come tomorrow, that's too quick.

Spaulding:
Say, you're lucky he didn't come yesterday.

Ravelli:
We were busy yesterday. But we charge just the same.

Spaulding:
This is better than exploring. What do you fellas get an hour?

Ravelli:
Oh, for playing, we get ten dollars an hour.

Spaulding:
I see. What do you get for not playing?

Ravelli:
Twelve dollars an hour.

Spaulding:
Well, clip me off a piece of that.

Ravelli:
Now for rehearsing, we make special rate: that's'a fifteen dollars an hour.

Spaulding:
That's for rehearsing?

Ravelli:
That's for rehearsing.

Spaulding:
And what do you get for not rehearsing?

Ravelli:
You couldn't afford it. You see, if we don't rehearse, we don't play. And if we don't play [snaps fingers], that runs into money.

Spaulding:
How much would you want to run into an open manhole?

Ravelli:
Just the cover charge. [Laughs with Mrs. Rittenhouse.]

Spaulding:
Well, drop in some time.

Ravelli:
Sewer.

Spaulding:
Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.

Ravelli:
Well, let's see how we stand.

Spaulding:
Flat-footed.

Ravelli:
Yesterday, we didn't come. [to Mrs. Rittenhouse] You remember, yesterday, we didn't come.

Spaulding:
Oh, I remember.

Ravelli:
Yeah, that's three hundred dollars.

Spaulding:
Yesterday, you didn't come, that's three hundred dollars.

Ravelli:
Yes, that's three hundred dollars.

Spaulding:
Well, that's reasonable, I can see that all right.

Ravelli:
Now today, we did come. That's, uh...

Spaulding:
That's a hundred you owe us.

Ravelli:
Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal. Tomorrow, we leave. That's worth about...

Spaulding:
A million dollars.

Ravelli:
Yeah, that's all right for me, but I gotta partner.

Spaulding:
A partner?!

Hives:
(announcing) The Professor!

[the paintings have all been recovered]

Hennessy:
[to the Professor] You'd better come with me, young fellow!

Spaulding:
Don't take him away, Officer! He returned the paintings. [the Professor shakes Spaulding's hand] Pardon me, my name is Spaulding, and I've always wanted to meet you.

Hennessy:
...All right. I'll let him go this time. [the Professor shakes his hand] But I want to give you some advice: you're running around with the wrong kind of people! Do you want to be a crook? [the Professor grins and nods, startling Hennesy; Ravelli and Spaulding both roll their eyes] Now, why don't you go home?

Ravelli:
He's got no home.

Hennessy:
Go home for a few nights, and stay home. [the Professor nods, removing his left hand from his belt and letting it hang, Hennessy claps him on the right shoulder gently] Don't you know your poor old mother sits there-

[he is interrupted by clanging noises as stolen silverware falls from the Professor's sleeve]

Hennessy:
Sits there, night af- [more silverware] Night after night. [more silverware] Waiting to hear your steps on the stairs.

Ravelli:
He's got no stairs.

Hennessy:
And I can see a little light, burn- [more silverware] Burning in the window.

Spaulding:
No you can't, the gas company turned it off.

Hennessy:
Now, what I'm telling you is for your own good- [more silverware] And if you listen to me- [more silverware] You can't go wrong- [he is cut off completely by a crash as a particularly large bunch of silverware hits the floor]

Spaulding:
This may go on for years.

Hennessy:
Now, there's just one th- [He is once again cut off by the silverware]

Spaulding:
I can't understand what's delaying that coffeepot. [the Professor shifts his arm, and a coffeepot falls out of his sleeve] Where's the cream?

Hennessy:
Well, you've certainly surprised me!

Spaulding:
Me too; I thought he had more than that!

Ravelli:
I've got Ace-a spades. He’s got Ace-a spades! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's what you called quinsidenses.

Mrs. Rittenhouse:
Two Aces of spades?

Ravelli:
Yeah, he's got thousands of them.

Ravelli:
How did you get to be Roscoe W.Chandler?

Chandler:
How did you get to be an Italian?

Ravelli:
Never mind! Whose confession is this?

[Ravelli's monotonous piano playing]

Spaulding:
When you get near a song, play it.

Ravelli:
I think I went past it.

Spaulding:
When you come around again, jump off.

Ravelli:
I once kept this up for three days.

Ravelli:
The motive for the theft was robbery. That's my solution!

Spaulding:
Yeah, and I wish you were in it! You ought to lie down for a couple of years.