Animal House

Flounder:
You guys playing cards?

Katy:
Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.

Boon:
Is he bigger than me?

Otter:
He can't do that do that to our pledges.

Boon:
Only we can do that to our pledges.

Otter:
Let me give you a hint. She's got a couple of major-league yabbos.

Boon:
Norma!

Otter:
No. But you're getting warmer. Here's another: "Oh God, Oh God, OH GOD!"

Boon:
Marlene! You're gonna pork Marlene Desmond!

Otter:
Pork?

Boon:
You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?

Otter:
Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.

Babs:
Greg, honey, is it supposed to be this soft?

Otter:
Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.

Flounder:
Gee Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?

Otter:
It means you have to drive us to the Food King.

Bluto:
Grab a brew. Don't cost nothin'.

Otter:
Mrs. Wormer, I'm so glad you could come.

Marion Wormer:
Cut the crap. Give me a drink.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?

Greg Marmalard:
Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Greg Marmalard:
You're talking about Delta, sir.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!

Bluto:
See if you can guess what I am now.

Bluto:
I'm a zit. Get it?

Boon:
Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude.

Hoover:
We're in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the Jewish house and they said that every one of our answers on the Psych test was wrong.

Boon:
Every one?

Boon:
Those a**holes must have stolen the wrong f***ing exam!

Dean Vernon Wormer:
The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

Bluto:
They took the bar! The whole f***ing bar!

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

D-Day:
War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.

Bluto:
Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Otter:
Germans?

Boon:
Forget it, he's rolling.

Bluto:
And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...

Bluto:
the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!

Bluto:
What the f*** happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...

Otter:
Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Bluto:
We're just the guys to do it.

D-Day:
Let's do it.

Bluto:
LET'S DO IT!

Flounder:
May I have ten thousand marbles, please?

Bluto:
Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f***ing Peace Corps.

Jennings:
Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He's a little bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible.

Jennings:
But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for reports from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!

Pinto:
I won't go schizo, will I?

Jennings:
It's a distinct possibility.

Doug Neidermeyer:
How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?

Boon:
How does it feel to be an a**hole, Neidermeyer?

Bluto:
Holy sh*t!

D-Day:
There were blanks in that gun!

Flounder:
I didn't even point the gun at him!

Bluto:
Holy sh*t!

D-Day:
There WERE blanks in that gun!

Flounder:
Maybe he had a heart attack.

Bluto:
Holy sh*t!

Flounder:
I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Pinto:
Face it, Kent. You threw up ON Dean Wormer.

Hoover:
They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!

Pinto:
I was thinking, maybe we could get some beer.

Clorette De Pasto:
Nah, not tonight. Besides, you might get lucky without it.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!

Otter:
What a tool.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
I didn't get that, son, what was that?

Otter:
Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Put a sock in it, boy, or else you'll be outta here like sh*t through a goose.

Clorette De Pasto:
Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.

Otter:
Point of parliamentary procedure!

Hoover:
Don't screw around, they're serious this time!

Otter:
Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Boon:
I thought you were pre-med.

Otter:
What's the difference?

Otter:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.

Otter:
But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!

Otter:
Mandy, Mandy Pepperidge. I haven't seen you since we...

Mandy Pepperidge:
Go away!

Otter:
I'm sorry, I can only stay a minute. Can I buy you some lunch? Oh, you got your lunch. Well, how about some milk? Got your milk too. Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?

Mandy Pepperidge:
Do I have to leave?

Otter:
Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?

Boon:
I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's got to be a very special girl.

Pinto:
Look, you don't have to...

Boon:
Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude.

Katy:
You mean you want someone who'll screw on the first date.

Boon:
Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.

Pinto:
Hey!

Boon:
What'd I say?

Boon:
Where are you going? We just got here.

Katy:
No, Boon, you just got here. I've been downstairs for an hour entertaining some kid from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.

Boon:
Umm - maybe we could drive up to your folks' place this weekend.

Katy:
Oh, fabulous. My car filled with your beer buddies going up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet. It's too depressing to think about.

Boon:
No! Just gonna be you and me. And Otter and another girl.

Katy:
Is this really what you're gonna do for the rest of your life?

Boon:
What do you mean?

Katy:
I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend.

Boon:
No! After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night.

Boon:
It's not gonna be an orgy! It's a toga party.

Katy:
Honestly, Boon, you're twenty-one years old. In six months you're going to graduate, and tomorrow night you're going to wrap yourself in a bed sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head. It's cute, but I think I'll pass this time.

Boon:
Want me to go alone?

Katy:
Baby, I don't want you to go at all.

Boon:
It's a *fraternity* party, I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?

Katy:
I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend.

Hoover:
Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59, Fred Dorfman.

Flounder:
He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.

Otter:
Oh, well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet-case.

Otter:

D-Day:
We have an old saying in Delta House: don't get mad, get even.

Jennings:
Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.

Boon:
How long you been workin' on it?

Jennings:
Four and a half years.

Pinto:
It must be very good.

Jennings:
It's a piece of sh*t. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?

Neidermeyer:
You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!

Mayor Carmine De Pasto:
If you want this year's homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay for it.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Carmine, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college.

Mayor Carmine De Pasto:
Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken.

Marion Wormer:
You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little sh*t just like you.

Hoover:
Will you tell those a**holes to shut up?

Boon:
Hey! Shut up you a**holes!

Dean Vernon Wormer:
I hate those guys.

D-Day:
Ramming speed!

Greg Marmalard:
But Delta's already on probation.

Dean Vernon Wormer:
They are? Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!

Otter:
Ah, she broke our date.

Boon:
Washing her hair?

Otter:
Dead mother.

Pinto:
What's your major?

Bluto:
Food fight!

Eric 'Otter' Stratton:
You guys up for a toga party?

John 'Bluto' Blutarsky:
Toga! Toga!

Eric 'Otter' Stratton:
Ah, I think they like the idea, Hoov.

Eric 'Otter' Stratton:
Greg, look at my thumb.

Eric 'Otter' Stratton:
Gee, you're dumb.

Doug Neidermeyer:
And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.

Mean dude:
May we dance with your dates?

Flounder:
Oh boy, this is great!

Dean Wormer:
Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?

Greg:
That would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.

Dean Wormer:
Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Greg:
You're talking about Delta, sir.

Dean Wormer:
Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!!! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks off campus.

Greg:
What do you intend to do sir? Delta's already on probation.

Dean Wormer:
They are?

Greg:
Yes, sir.

Dean Wormer:
Oh. Then as of this moment, they're on double secret probation!

Greg:
Double secret probation, sir?

Dean Wormer:
There is a little-known codicil in the Faber College constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of campus emergency. Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little sh*t, just like you, right? [Greg nods] The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.

[Flounder has just fired a blank cartridge into the air, causing Neidermeyer's horse to drop dead.]

Bluto:
Holy sh*t!

D-Day:
There were blanks in that gun!

Flounder:
I didn't even point the gun at him!

Bluto:
Holy sh*t!

[D-Day checks the gun.]

D-Day:
There WERE blanks in that gun!!

Flounder:
Maybe he had a heart attack!

Bluto:
HOLY SH*T!!!

[They scream and run out of the room.]

Neidermeyer:
Dress that line. Dress that line, mister! Dress that line, soldier. Mister, hold my mount. [to Flounder] You fat, disgusting slob! You're a goddamn disgrace!!!

Boon:
[watching from afar] A vicious mother, isn't he?

Otter:
He can't do that to our pledges.

Boon:
Only we can do that to our pledges.

Neidermeyer:
[to Flounder] Redo those buttons! Dress that belt buckle! Straighten that cap! And goddamn it, tuck up those pajamas! Attention! Eyes front! What's that on your chest, mister?

Flounder:
It's a pledge pin, sir.

Neidermeyer:
A PLEDGE PIN?!?! On your UNIFORM?!! Just tell me, mister, what fraternity would pledge a man like you?

Flounder:
It's a Delta pin, sir.

Neidermeyer:
You'll report to the stable tonight and every night at 1900 hours, AND WITHOUT THAT PLEDGE PIN! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!!

Neidermeyer:
You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!

Otter:
Bluto! I think you know everybody here.

Mandy:
Greg, can't you—

Otter:
Don't worry. Just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.

Greg:
Don't you have any respect for yourself?

Babs:
This is absolutely gross! That boy is a P-I-G, pig!

Bluto:
See if you can guess what I am now. [puts mashed potatoes in his mouth, then squeezes his cheeks, spraying them] I'm a zit. Get it?

Greg:
All right, you bastard. Let's go, right here!

Bluto:
Food fight!

Otter:
We need to do something.

Boon:
We do.

Otter:
You know what we need to do?

Otter and Boon:
Toga party.

Hoover:
We're on "double-secret probation," whatever the hell that is. We can't afford to have a toga party.

Otter:
You guys up for a toga party?

Bluto:
TOGA! TOGA!

Otter:
Ah, I think they like the idea, Hoov.

Hoover:
Otter, please don't do this.

Otter:
I've got news for you, pal. They're gonna nail us no matter what we do, so we might as well have a good time.

[Otter and Bluto lead the Deltas in a growing chant of "Toga! Toga! Toga!"]

Note:
the bolded line is ranked #82 in the American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema.

[Pinto looks down and sees Clorette passed out on Hoover's bed nude. He then sees his good and evil conscience perched on either shoulder.]

Pinto's Conscience (Devil):
F*** her! F*** her brains out! Suck her tits. Squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.

Pinto's Conscience (Angel):
For Shame! Lawrence! I'm surprised at you.

Pinto's Conscience (Devil):
Ah! Don't listen to that Jackoff. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.

Pinto's Conscience (Angel):
If you lay one hand on poor sweet, helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever.

[Pinto then covers Clorette up.]

Pinto's Conscience (Angel):
I'm proud of you, Lawrence.

Pinto's Conscience (Devil):
You Homo!

D-Day:
Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.

Otter:
Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You f***ed up. You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.

Flounder:
[crying] That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?!

Otter:
I'll tell you what. I'll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but, you parked it out back last night and this morning, it was gone. D-Day takes care of the wreck. We report it to the police. Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car.

Flounder:
Will that work?

Otter:
Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.

Bluto:
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

Bluto gives Flounder a six-pack.

Otter:
You better listen to him, Flounder. He's in pre-med.

Otter and Bluto shake hands.

D-Day:
There you go now, just leave everything to me.

[D-Day fires up his blow-torch and laughs.]

Dean Wormer:
Where are the other two—Stratton and Schoenstein?

Hoover:
We can't find them, sir. We looked everywhere, but—

Dean Wormer:
Never mind. Did you boys see your midterm grades yet?

Hoover:
They're not posted yet, sir.

Dean Wormer:
I've seen them. Mr. Kroger, two C's, two D's and an F—that's a 1.2 grade point average. Congratulations, Kroger, you're at the top of the Delta pledge class.

[Bluto gives Kroger a congratulatory nudge]

Dean Wormer:
Mr. Dorfman.

Flounder:
Hellooooo.

Dean Wormer:
0.2. Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House—1.6. Four C's and an F. A fine example you set. Daniel Simpson Day has no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu— [looks up to see that Bluto has stuck pencils up his nose] Mr. Blutarsky. [with heavy emphasis] Zero. Point. Zero.[Bluto shrugs.] Now I want you to tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I'm about to tell you right now.

Hoover:
And what's that, sir?

Dean Wormer:
You're out! Finished at Faber! EXPELLED!!! I want you off this campus at 9:00 Monday morning! And I'm sure you'll be happy to know that I have notified your local draft boards and told them that you are now all, all eligible for military service.

[Flounder's mouth flutters]

Dean Wormer:
Well? [Flounder opens his mouth a bit] Well? [Flounder opens his mouth some more] OUT with it!

[Flounder vomits on Dean Wormer]

Bluto:
Great! Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the f***ing Peace Corps!

Pinto:
My mother's gonna kill me.

Hoover:
I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Flounder:
Can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.

Boon:
[puts his arm around Flounder] Face it, Kent. You threw up on Dean Wormer.

[D-Day walks in, supporting an injured Otter.]

D-Day:
Move. Move it.

Boon:
Damn.

[Boon walks over and helps D-Day support Otter.]

Boon:
I got ya. I got ya.

[Otter moans as he, Boon, and D-Day sit on the couch.]

Boon:
Jesus Christ! What happened? You look grotesque.

Otter:
Well, some of the Omegas did a little dance on my face.

Bluto:
Who was it?

Otter:
Uh, it was Greggy and Dougy and some of the other Hitler youth.

Boon:
Why? What ya do?

Otter:
I don't know. They're just animals, I guess. [Otter looks around.] Looks like I missed something.

Boon:
Yeah, you did. We're all officially kicked out of school. Wormer just got our grades.

Otter:
They kicked us out of school? Huh?! That makes sense.

Bluto:
[standing up] HEY!! What's this lying around sh*t?!

Stork:
Well, what the hell we s'posed to do, you moron?!

D-Day:
War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.

Bluto:
What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

Otter:
Germans?

Boon:
Forget it. He's rolling.

Bluto:
And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough . . . the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go! C'mon! [He runs out of the room screaming but then returns.] What the f*** happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh?! This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst! "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well, JUST KISS MY ASS FROM NOW ON!!! Not me! I'm not gonna take this! Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, DEAD! Niedermeyer—

Otter:
Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. [Otter stands up.] We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight 'em with conventional weapons. That could take years and cost millions of lives. Oh no. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Bluto:
And we're just the guys to do it.

[Boon and D-Day stand.]

Boon:
Let's do it.

Bluto:
Let's do it!

[Everybody cheers and starts running out of the room, with Bluto still standing there.]

Bluto:
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[Bluto runs out with them.]

Pinto:
Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.

Clorette De Pasto:
You've never made out with a girl before?

Pinto:
No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk...

Clorette De Pasto:
That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. It's my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.

Pinto:
Oh, yeah? What about?

Clorette De Pasto:
I'm only 13.

"Brother Bluto. Brother D-Day. What are YOU doing here?"