Archie's Funhouse

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Presenting the Fun House Magic Show. And here they are, Mantle the Magnificent and his assistant Moose.

Miss Grundy:
[to Archie, the store clerk] Young man, do you have anything for gray hair?

Archie Andrews:
Nothing but the greatest respect.

Dilton Doiley:
You told me this cat was good for mice, and he doesn't even go near them.

Big Moose:
Duh, well, isn't that good for mice?

Archie Andrews:
Look at that ocean! Did you ever see so much water?

Big Moose:
No, and we're only looking at the top of it.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Just one big family. / Don't you make your brother cry. / We're one big family. / And our daddy's in the sky.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. And here's Reggie, a guy with a really big head.

Big Ethel:
Juggy, what smells best in the bakery?

Jughead Jones:
Your nose!

[he throws a pie in her face]

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Everybody laugh and sing along!

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Here we go with Archie's Amateur Show. Now to get our show off to a flying start, here he is, Mudlark Moose doing his bird call!

Big Moose:
Duh, here, bird! Here, bird!

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Kick off your shoes. / Forget the blues. / Come on, everyone, listen to the sun.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Presenting the Funhouse Rodeo. And to start things off here's that rootin'-tootin' trick-riding bronc-buster, Wranglin' Reggie!

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Let me take you to Love Land. / It's the only place where dreams can grow, yeah. / Let me take you to Love Land.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. It's time for the Fun House County Fair.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] I'm in love with you! / Oh, honey, yes you know it!

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. It's time for the Fun House Trash-a-Thon. We're here to remind you that it's cleaning time all over America. And here's a guy who's been washed up for years, Reggie Mantle.

Betty Cooper:
Fishing may be a man's sport, but we girls know how to cook.

The Archies:
[singing] The air is dark and dirty / When it should be fresh and purty.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] I will give the world to make you mine. / Oh, looks that say I love you.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House. Featuring the Giant Jukebox. And now here it is, kids, "The Early Early Show" with scenes from your all-time favorite movies played by the Archie gang. First, a scene from "Flying Fools," a story of aviation.

Miss Grundy:
[standing on her desk] Oh, Mr. Weatherbee! I just heard a mouse squeaking!

Mr. Weatherbee:
Well, what do you want me to do? Oil it?

[Miss Grundy shoots up to the ceiling like a rocket]

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Somebody likes you. Guess who? / I wanna be with you.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House. Featuring the Giant Jukebox. And now direct from the Riverdale Cultural Center, the Riverdale High Fine Artsy Group presents an uplifting program of high-class entertainment. And here, playing her own composition accompanying herself on the harp, is Big Ethel.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Sunshine, sunshine, sunshine!

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. And now let's get the show on the road.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] You pull the string and I'm a fool for you. / I'll do anything that you want me to.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House. Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Now back by popular demand, "The Early Early Show." Yes! Two letters poured in requesting more scenes from your favorite movies, played by the Archie gang.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] And though it took a month of working real hard, / They made a place of beauty from th'old junkyard.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. And now--

Big Moose:
Duh, Arch. When could I do my duck imitation?

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] I feel those love vibrations, / Happens every time.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Whoops, here it comes, Captain Archie's Fun House Riverboat. And now, doing the latest step, here is that dancing dandy, Jughead.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Kick off your shoes, / Forget the blues. / Come on, everyone, / Listen to the sun.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Once again it's "The Early Early Show" with more highlights from your favorite movies, played by the Archies.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] When I'm down, he sings me a happy song. / When I'm lonely, he always comes along. / Then when my guitar becomes a star, / I'll still be his friend.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Funhouse. Featuring the Giant Jukebox. Presenting the spectacular Funhouse Snowball, featuring the swinging skates of Betty and Veronica. The flashing blades of Reggie and Jughead. And the twinkle-toed titan of the ice rink, Big Moose. And-- and a cast of thousands. Now to start things, here's Mr. Weatherbee and his twisting Tyrolean twirl.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] 'Til Saturday, sweet Saturday night. / Everything is all right!

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox.

[Archie continues inaudibly]

Veronica Lodge:
We can't hear you with that space helmet on.

Archie Andrews:
Huh? Oh, sorry, gang. As I was saying, get ready for the Fun House Space Spectacular.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] Mr. Motorcar, stop awhile. / We can't wait another mile.

[first lines]

Archie Andrews:
Welcome to Archie's Fun House! Featuring the Giant Jukebox. It's the Fun House Vaudeville Show with your own kooky cast of candid characters. And now here they are, for some sassy stepping and snappy patter, Mantle and Moose.

[last lines]

The Archies:
[singing] We're one big family / And our daddy's in the sky. / Just one big family. / Don't you make your brother cry.