Armed & Dangerous

Rexus:
Ohh, I never liked this place. Scarier than a room full of Germans.

Rexus:
[using a Jedi Mind trick] You don't need to see our papers.

Guards:
[under Rexus's control] We don't need to see your papers.

Rexus:
You're um... you're um...

Guards:
[under Rexus's control] We're um... we're um...

Rexus:
Quick! What should I say to them? I'm running out of power!

Guards:
[under Rexus's control] Quick, what should he say to us? He's running out of power.

Q:
Tell them they're both teapots!

Jonesy:
No, Scottish miners!

Rome:
Look, just tell 'em we're not the ones they're looking for.

Rexus:
Wait, I got it! You're both... *French*!

Guards:
[drop their guns and throw their hands up] We surrender!

[run away]

Rexus:
Now let's get moving, the Lady of the Pond waits.

Rome:
[examining Rexus] He's freezing, we gotta warm him up or he'll die.

Q:
No problem, here's a little trick I learned back in Khalios during the Lime-Dixon War.

Rome:
Good idea, mate.

Jonesy:
What?

Rome:
I've seen this done before. He'll split open the dead beast's stomach and then stick Rexus amongst the warm entrails. Should keep him warm for at least a day.

Jonesy:
Right, I'll be off here vomiting.

Q:
No, that's not necessary. Just, stick 'em in there!

[Q shoves Rexus inside a giant creature's anus. The creature wakes up and runs at fast speed with Rexus still inside]

Q:
Ahh, works better when they're dead.

Shrub Patrol:
DEATH TO THE SALAD EATERS!

Messenger:
I am the King's messenger, Sparks. What is it you want?

Rome:
We have some demands for the King.

Messenger:
Sorry, you're going to have to speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing. Now you're saying you're offering some Lamaze classes for the King?

Rome:
No, no, *demands* for the King!

Messenger:
Right, well tell me what you want and I'll relay the information.

[later, he sees the King]

Messenger:
Your highness.

King:
What is it they want?

Messenger:
Thank you, sir, I made it myself.

King:
[shouts] What do they want?

Rome:
[previously] Tell the King, we want to have a talk with him.

Messenger:
[to the king] They want to walk with you.

Rome:
And that we have his son.

Messenger:
[to the king] They have loads of guns so no worries there.

Rome:
Tell him we want Lilly back.

Messenger:
[to the king] They say they want their willies back.

Rome:
I'm starting to like this. Yeah, yeah, and some yummy food and lodging.

Messenger:
[to the King] And after that they want a bloody lewd rogering.

Rexus:
Friends, I am but an old man. My knees are weak, my back is stiff, and I'm about as incontinent as they come. But there's one thing I do know, upon our shoulders lie the hopes and dreams of an entire nation and I'll be *damned* if I'm not going to do anything about it! [applause]

Jonesy:
Bastard's stealing our thunder.

Rexus:
Wait! Give me another chance! It's been a long time since I've kissed a man! I CAN DO BETTER!

[repeated line]

Rome:
Ah yes, the power of the bullet.

Rome:
[after shooting down a zeppelin] Oh, the humanity!