Around the World Under the Sea

Hank Stahl:
[disgustedly] People. Sharks, animals: they kill for a reason: because they're hungry. People kill each other for nothing.

Jack Smith, mining platform superintendant:
Anything the matter?

Dr. Doug Standish:
What? Oh, no. I... could've sworn I'd seen those legs somewhere before.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Our mission is to plant warning sensors...

Dr. Philip Volker:
I know that. We take care of *my* mission when we've completed yours.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Well, I can't commit the rest of the crew!

Dr. Philip Volker:
Well don't worry, I'll, I'll - how you say? - cut them in.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Well what makes you think they'll go along with you?

Dr. Philip Volker:
Well haven't you heard? It's better to be a rich scientist than a poor one.

Hank Stahl:
Well, we're all loaded. Where's the dame?

Dr. Philip Volker:
The "dame" is exercising her rights as a lady: She's late.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
Excuse me, I have to get my hat box.

Hank Stahl:
Hat box?

Dr. Philip Volker:
Hat box?

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Hat box.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
You'll love it. It's absolutely adorable. [opens the hat box to show it contains two guinea pigs] Itty and Bitty.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Itty and... Bitty?

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
For oxygen analysis.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Oh.

Hank Stahl:
*Now*... if I could find me a mermaid built just like *that*...! [Volker ascends the ladder to meet Maggie] For once that guy and I agree on what would make a really tasty dish.

Hank Stahl:
*Well*...! Looks like something topless is going on topside. [Mosby slams down a scuba tank in anger] Hey, hey, hey! Take it easy! You'll blow a gasket!

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Uh, what's the matter with *her*?

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
Eh, well we got a phone message for you from Dr. Boren. Your first choice for a medic is unavailable, and there's no time to shop around.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
You mean they're getting new tremors.

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
Oh yeah, big ones.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Oh, boy.

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
Uh, Boren says you've *got* to take Maggie, even if you *don't* want her, and um, unfortunately, that was the part of the conversation she overheard.

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
Stahl? He lives at the bottom of the Caribbean bay like a hermit crab, studying underwater survival. You'll never get *him*.

Hank Stahl:
I couldn't care less. I got it made down here. I got my research, my books, my music. Why should I leave all this for a bunch of idiots who're going to blow themselves up?

Hank Stahl:
Let me tell ya: That's not an ocean out there! That's a veritable minestrone!

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
What?

Hank Stahl:
You've never seen such food! Enough to feed a *billion* fish! Look at that!

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
What is it?

Hank Stahl:
It's food! It's food!

Dr. Craig Mosby:
What's with *him*?

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
Uh, he found some minestrone.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Looks like Hell itself.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
Be quiet! They're not rats, they're guinea pigs. Hold these. [hands guinea pigs to Dr. Mosby]

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
You Americans. Always in such a hurry.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Uh, Mr. Vice President... If we plant these sensors, around the world under the sea, in pressure points along here, and through here, and *anchor* them in the crust of the earth, we'll have the early warning system we need.

Vice President:
Well this means a great deal of risk, doesn't it?

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
We know less about the deep oceans than we do the surface of the moon.

Vice President:
And you're willing to take on this risk?

Dr. Doug Standish:
Well, that's why we're here.

Vice President:
Well gentleman, I'd like you to proceed on the assumption that I can get the necessary appropriation for the voyage of the Hydronaut.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Great!

Dr. Craig Mosby:
What the hell's going on around here?

Deckhand:
Swing him over. Set him right on the deck. Easy, now.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Well who's the idiot in this diving suit?

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
[emerging from the diving suit] Dr. Mosby, I presume.

Dr. Philip Volker:
Margaret Hanford is as handy with a skillet as a scalpel.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
We're the whole crew?

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Well the Gemini capsule only had two.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Man your stations.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
I thought we were a civilian boat.

Dr. Doug Standish:
Man your stations, *please*.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
Doug, I'm adding negative ions to our atmosphere. Make you feel a little better first time down.

Hank Stahl:
Mmm! Take a whiff of this. I feel better already.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
What is this? Big Brother is watching?

Dr. Philip Volker:
Well, it's better than what you get on the television.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
[into the loudspeaker microphone] Alright, clear the deck! Stand by to dive! On the double!

Dr. Philip Volker:
Well, how do you do, Captain Bligh?

Dr. Doug Standish:
Yeah, he's done some very impressive research in marine biology. M.E. Hanford from England. Well I'm sure you've read for some of his published material in the last couple of years.

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
*Her* material.

Dr. Doug Standish:
What?

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
The "M.E." stands for "Margaret Elizabeth." Very attractive, too. As a matter of fact, she just finished doing some research for me.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Well, shall we make it Johnson?

Dr. Doug Standish:
Why, because Hanford's a woman? Half the doctors in Russia are women. Not a bad example for us to follow.

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
He's got a point.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
You wanna put a woman in that submarine for three or four months?

Dr. Doug Standish:
She's also a scientist, and so are we.

Dr. August 'Gus' Boren:
Brinkman says you met her in the science building. Under a desk.

Dr. Craig Mosby:
Her?

Dr. Doug Standish:
That was M.E. Hanford? Well what d'you say now, boss?

Dr. Craig Mosby:
No, more than ever, no.

Hank Stahl:
I'm on this ride for Dr. Hamaru, not for him.

Dr. Doug Standish:
You can at least listen to him, can't you?

Hank Stahl:
Anything that he's in on, I'm on the outside of.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
The guinea pigs. What about the guinea pigs?

Hank Stahl:
Guinea pigs? Women and men first. We'll need every cubic inch of air we've got. [Maggie stares at Hank] There's a spare mattress down in the lab.

Dr. Orin Hillyard:
Maggie, you know, according to maritime law, Doug could perform a marriage.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
Oh, Orin. Can you imagine spending a honeymoon on a submarine with four other men?

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
Yes, well I have to admit it's far from ideal.

Dr. Margaret E. 'Maggie' Hanford:
But thanks anyway.

Female Technician:
Have you got the answer to Hydronaut's question?

Technician:
I'm just sending it out now.

Dr. Philip Volker:
ANFSQ7. Answer my request. Top priority reply. Computer analysis as follows: rook takes queen, check.

Hank Stahl:
I couldn't care less, doctor, let 'em all go.

Dr. Doug Standish:
You don't mean that.

Hank Stahl:
Well, maybe there are a few human beings up there: Dr. Hamaru, Gus Boren, Dimitri, my crazy, Russian, chess-playing friend...