Arsenic and Old Lace

Mortimer Brewster:
He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied - the big dope!

Mortimer Brewster:
No, no. I'm not a Brewster. I'm the son of a sea-cook! Ha! Ha! Chaaaaarrrge!

Cab Driver:
I'm not a cab driver. I'm a coffeepot!

Elaine Harper:
But Mortimer, you're going to love me for my mind, too.

Mortimer Brewster:
One thing at a time!

Mortimer Brewster:
This is developing into a very bad habit! I don't know if I can explain it to you. It's not only against the law, it's wrong!

Reverend Harper:
Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn't Teddy Roosevelt?

Abby Brewster:
Oh, no.

Martha Brewster:
Oh, he's so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.

Abby Brewster:
Oh... Do you remember, Martha, once, a long time ago, we thought if he'd be George Washington, it would be a change for him, and we suggested it.

Martha Brewster:
And do you know what happened? He just stayed under his bed for days and wouldn't be anybody.

Dr. Einstein:
You got twelve, they got twelve.

Jonathan Brewster:
I've got thirteen!

Dr. Einstein:
No, Johnny, twelve - don't brag.

Jonathan Brewster:
Thirteen! There's Mr. Spinalzo and the first one in London, two in Johannesburg, one in Sydney, one in Melbourne, two in San Francisco, one in Phoenix, Arizona...

Dr. Einstein:
Phoenix?

Jonathan Brewster:
The filling station...

Dr. Einstein:
Filling station? Oh!

Dr. Einstein:
Yes.

Jonathan Brewster:
Then three in Chicago and one in South Bend.

Dr. Einstein:
You cannot count the one in South Bend. He died of pneumonia!

Jonathan Brewster:
He wouldn't have died of pneumonia if I hadn't shot him!

Dr. Einstein:
No, no, Johnny. You cannot count him. You got twelve, they got twelve. The old ladies is just as good as you are!

Mortimer Brewster:
The name Brewster is code for Roosevelt.

Teddy Brewster:
Code for Roosevelt?

Mortimer Brewster:
Yes. Don't you see? Take the name Brewster, take away the B, and what have you got?

Teddy Brewster:
Rooster!

Mortimer Brewster:
Uh-huh. And what does a rooster do?

Teddy Brewster:
Crows.

Mortimer Brewster:
It crows. And where do you hunt in Africa?

Teddy Brewster:
On the veldt!

Mortimer Brewster:
There you are: crows - veldt!

Teddy Brewster:
Ingenious! My compliments to the boys in the code department.

Mortimer Brewster:
Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops.

Mortimer Brewster:
Aunt Abby, how can I believe you? There are twelve bodies in the cellar and you admit you poisoned them.

Aunt Abby Brewster:
Yes, I did. But you don't think I'd stoop to telling a fib.

Dr. Einstein:
Where am I? Oh, here I am.

Elaine Harper:
Well, that's a fine thing. We're married one minute and you're throwing me out of the house the next.

Mortimer Brewster:
I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house, I am not throwing you out of the house. Will you get out of here?

Mr. Gibbs:
I read that there was a room for rent here...

Elaine Harper:
Oh, shut up!

Mortimer Brewster:
When I come back, I expect to find you gone. Wait for me!

Martha Brewster:
One of our gentlemen found time to say 'How delicious!' before he died.

Dr. Einstein:
We got a hot stiff on our hands!

Teddy Brewster:
Mr. Witherfork!

Mr. Witherspoon:
Spoon!

Mortimer Brewster:
Hello... Operator? Can you hear my voice? You can? Are you sure?

Mortimer Brewster:
Well, then I must not be dreaming.

Elaine Harper:
But, Mortimer - Niagara Falls.

Mortimer Brewster:
It does? Well, let it.

Aunt Martha:
For a gallon of elderberry wine, I take one teaspoon full of arsenic, then add half a teaspoon full of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.

Jonathan Brewster:
Perhaps we should introduce ourselves. This is Dr. Einstein.

Elaine Harper:
Dr. Einstein?

Jonathan Brewster:
Yes, a surgeon of great distinction... and something of a magician.

Elaine Harper:
Now, I suppose you're going to tell me that you're Boris Kar...

Jonathan Brewster:
I am Jonathan Brewster!

Jonathan Brewster:
We better not leave the car parked in the street. It might be against the law.

Police Sgt. Brophy:
They're two of the dearest, sweetest, kindest, old ladies that ever walked the earth. They're out of this world. They're like pressed rose leaves.

Elaine Harper:
We were married today. We were going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Your brother tries to kill me. A taxi is waiting and now you want to sleep on a window seat. You can take the honeymoon, your wedding ring, your taxi, your window seat, and put 'em in a barrel and push 'em all over Niagara Falls!

Jonathan Brewster:
Go to bed, Aunt Abby!

Mortimer Brewster:
Where did you get that face? Hollywood?

Jonathan Brewster:
Teddy, I think it's time for you to go to bed.

Teddy Brewster:
I beg your pardon. Who are you?

Jonathan Brewster:
I'm Woodrow Wilson. Go to bed!

Teddy Brewster:
No, you're not Wilson, but you're face is familiar. Let me see. You're not anyone I know right now - perhaps later on my hunting trip. Yes, you look like someone I might meet in the jungle.

Mortimer Brewster:
Certainly there are thirteen bodies in the cellar and there are hundreds more in the attic!

Dr. Einstein:
You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.

Mortimer Brewster:
You wouldn't want to have children with three heads, would you? I mean, you wouldn't want to set up housekeeping in a padded cell. Oh, it would be bad.

Mortimer Brewster:
All I did was cross the bridge and I was in Brooklyn. Amazing.

Jonathan Brewster:
If you tell O'Hara what's in the window seat, I'll tell him what's in the cellar. There's an elderly gentleman down there who seems to be very dead.

Reporter:
Seems like the same suckers get married everyday.

Mortimer Brewster:
There is a Happydale, far, far away...

Mortimer Brewster:
You didn't want the reverend to see the body?

Aunt Abby:
Well, not at tea. That wouldn't have been very nice.

Dr. Einstein:
Johnny, why did you kill that man? He was being nice to us and gave us a ride.

Jonathan Brewster:
He said I looked like Boris Karloff!

Mortimer Brewster:
Men don't just get into window seats and die!

Abby Brewster:
Of course not, dear. He died first.

Mortimer Brewster:
But how?

Abby Brewster:
The gentleman died because he drank some wine with poison in it. Now, I don't know why you're making such a big deal over this Mortimer. Don't you worry about a thing!

Jonathan Brewster:
This time, I want the face of an absolute non-enity!

Mortimer Brewster:
Pull up a tombstone!

Mortimer Brewster:
Teddy, I'd like to introduce you to a doctor.

Teddy Brewster:
Dr. Livingston?

Dr. Gilchrist:
He thinks I'm Livingstone?

Mortimer Brewster:
Uh, that's what he presumes.

Aunt Abby:
Now Mortimer, you behave. You're too old to be flying off the handle like this!

Mortimer Brewster:
There's a body in the window seat.

Aunt Abby:
Yes, dear, we know.

Mortimer Brewster:
You know?

Aunt Abby:
Of course! We never dreamed you'd peek.

Lt. Rooney:
Who are you? What's your name?

Mortimer Brewster:
Well, usually I'm Mortimer Brewster, but I'm not quite myself today.

Aunt Abby Brewster:
Just the thought of Jonathan frightens me. Do you remember how he used to cut worms in half with his teeth?

Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, Jonathan? He's probably in prison or hanged or something by now.

Mortimer Brewster:
Wait outside.

Dr. Gilchrist:
But it's Halloween!

Mortimer Brewster:
Oh, don't worry about Halloween. The pixies won't be out till after midnight.

Mortimer Brewster:
What is this? Did everyone in Brooklyn know I was getting married but me?

Martha Brewster:
We knew you'd find out in time.

Jonathan Brewster:
The home of my youth... As a child, I wanted to escape it. Now, I want to escape back into it.

Teddy Brewster:
Charge!

Mortimer Brewster:
Even the cat's in on it!

Teddy Brewster:
This is a picture of when I take my hunting trip to Africa. This is me, and this is you.

Dr. Einstein:
My how I've changed.

Dr. Einstein:
At least people in plays act like they've got sense.

Mortimer:
Oh, you think so? Did you ever see anybody in a play act like they got any intelligence?

Dr. Einstein:
[agonizing] How can anybody be so stupid!

Mortimer:
Yeah, yeah, I know that bromide. Something borrowed, something blue - old, new! Rice and old shoes, carry you over the threshold, Niagara Falls — all the silly tripe I've made fun of for years. Is this what I've come to? I can't go through with it. I won't marry you and that's that!

Elaine:
[adoring] Yes, Mortimer.

Mortimer:
What do you mean, "Yes, Mortimer"? Aren't you insulted? Aren't you going to cry? Aren't you going to make a scene?

Elaine:
[adoring] No, Mortimer.

Mortimer:
And don't "No, Mortimer" me either! Don't... Don't you see, marriage is a superstition, it... It's old-fashioned, it's... I... Ohhhh...

[He kisses her and hauls her into the marriage license office]

Teddy Brewster:
I must be catching cold.

Abby Brewster:
No, dear, it was Reverend Harper who sneezed.

[after finding the dead body in the window seat]

Mortimer:
But — what happened to him?

Martha:
[cheerfully] He died.

Teddy:
Mr. Witherfork!

Mr. Witherspoon:
Spoon!

Mortimer:
[hands him spoon] Oh, here you go.

Mortimer:
[Speaking of a character in a play he has seen] He just sits there waiting to be gagged and tied — the big dope! [Jonathan sneaks up from behind and bounds Mortimer up with rope and a mouth gag]

Dr. Einstein:
You know, you were right about that fellow. He wasn't very bright.

Cab Driver:
I knew this would end up in the nuthouse.

Mr. Witherspoon:
[offended] We like to think of it as a rest home!

Mortimer:
Teddy's killed a man, darlings!

Martha:
Oh, nonsense!

Mortimer:
But there's a body in the window seat.

Abby:
Yes, dear, we know.

Mortimer:
You know?

Martha:
Of course.

Abby:
Yes, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.

Mortimer:
But...but...

Abby:
Now, Mortimer, you just forget about it. Forget you ever saw the gentleman.

Mortimer:
Forget?!

Abby:
We never dreamed you'd peek.

Jonathan:
Tonight, we are taking care of Mortimer. And just for him we'll have something special. I plan on using the Melbourne method.

Dr. Einstein:
[cringing] No! Not the Melbourne method, please! Two hours!

Look at that face sarge, he looks like Boris Karloff!

Mortimer Brewster:
[to elderly guest] You... Get out of here! D'ya wanna be poisoned? D'ya wanna be murdered? D'ya wanna be killed?

Mortimer Brewster:
[to Dr. Einstein] Stop underplaying, I can't hear you!

Mortimer Brewster:
[on the telephone] Yes, operator, I'd like the Happy Dale Sanatorium, Happy Dale, New York. Come on, operator, what's taking so long? They're just across the river. I could swim it faster! No, I don't want the Happy Dale Laundry. I want the Happy Dale Sanatorium. Sanatorium, sanatorium, sanatorium. Yes, yes, like a broken record. Hello — what? They're busy? Busy? Look, they're busy and you're dizzy. No, I am not drunk, madam, but you've given me an idea. [throws down the phone in disgust]

Mortimer Brewster:
[trying to make Jonathan leave] Now, here's ten dollars. Why don't you be a good sport and go out and haunt yourself a hotel?

Mortimer Brewster:
[watching the fighting, lighting up a cigarette] I got the papers signed — papers are all signed, what do I care? Go ahead — fight, fight. [watching the police trying to bring down Jonathan with a shoe] Oh, don't do that. It never works. [Jonathan collapses] What do you know? it worked!

Jonathan Brewster:
Who do I look like, Boris Karloff?

Teddy:
CHAAARGE!!!

Teddy:
(when told that his "term of office" is over) Is this March the 4th? (Mortimer: Practically.)

Teddy:
I shall be in my office vetoing some bills.